When Dawn Breaks

by Melissa Toppen

  “I don’t know. It just kind of happened.”

  “I’ve heard that a lot today.” She chuckles, shaking her head.

  “I know it sounds generic, but it’s true. It really did just happen.”

  “So you are sleeping together then?”

  I give her one look, and she knows the answer without me ever having to say a word.

  “Are you kidding me, Bree? Do you have any idea the magnitude of this situation? We talked about this. You promised me nothing else would happen until you talked to her. Hell, I kept that secret for you and inadvertently made myself an accomplice. Why would you do that? Why would you pursue anything with him, let alone sleep with him, without talking to Courtney first?”

  “I didn’t know what to say to her.”

  “You mean you chickened out, and it was easier to have what you wanted and hide it from her than to give him up or face the situation head-on,” she accuses.

  “I already know how badly I fucked up. You didn’t have to come over here to drive that point home,” I bite.

  “Look, I can tell you’re hurting. I know how much Court means to you, but you’ve got to put yourself in her shoes. She just found out her ex-boyfriend, who she recently hoped to reconnect with, and her best friend of fifteen years were hooking up behind her back. I doubt whatever you’re feeling even comes close to how betrayed and foolish she feels.”

  “I never meant to make her feel that way.”

  “I know you didn’t, but it still happened. And now you have to figure out how to make it right.”

  “How do I do that?” I question, watching her stand.

  “You’re gonna have to figure that out on your own. There isn’t going to be a quick fix here, Bree. What you did to her isn’t something she’ll likely get over soon. She’s gonna need some time.”

  “Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?” I call after her as she pulls open the front door, turning to look up at her.

  “Hard to say. But if I know Courtney, and I’m pretty sure I do, I don’t think there’s any way she will write you off indefinitely. Because even after everything, she was still worried about you tonight. I think that proves the kind of friend she is.”

  “If you’re trying to make me feel worse it’s working.”

  “I don’t need to make you feel worse, you’ve done a good enough job of that on your own.” She steps inside the door and pauses, looking back down at me. “I really hope he was worth it, Bree. For all of our sakes.” With that, she disappears inside, and once again I’m left trying to sift through the pieces that once fit together and now no longer do.

  Walking up to Ant’s mom’s house, I feel this weird sense of calm. My earlier nerves have passed, and I feel almost in a dream-like state where nothing feels entirely real.

  I don’t even make it to the front door before it swings open and Ant steps out, looking like he hasn’t been to bed all night. That would make two of us.

  “Hey,” he says softly, closing the door behind him as he joins me on the porch.

  “Hey,” I say, turning to grip the railing that wraps around the ledge, squeezing the hard plastic in my hands as I look out over the front yard.

  “I thought you’d come back to Liz’s last night,” I say, not looking in his direction.

  “Yeah well, I thought you might need some space. With the way you took off and all.” I feel him settle in next to me, his hands mirroring mine as he grips the railing in front of him.

  “Yeah. I guess I did,” I admit, letting out a nervous breath. “Gave me some time to think. Figure some things out.”

  “And what did you need to figure out exactly?”

  “How to make this right.” I lean forward, pressing more of my weight against the railing.

  “And what did you come up with?” I can tell by his line of questioning that he already knows what is coming next but is trying to delay it just like I am.

  “That we can’t do this anymore, Ant.” I finally release the words that have been eating at me for the past few hours. Words that I never wanted to say, but know that needed to be said just the same.

  “So you’re giving up just like that?” he questions, voice void of any reaction.

  “I’m not giving up.” I finally turn toward him, the air rushing from my body the second I do.

  “You’re walking away before we’ve even really begun, what would you call it?”

  “I’m making a choice. I choose her,” I say, doing my damnedest to stay strong.

  “You could have chosen her weeks ago and saved us all a hell of a lot of time and heartbreak.” His voice has an edge to it I’ve never heard before, and it cuts me so deep I know with complete certainty that I’m moments away from bleeding out right here on the spot.

  “It’s the right thing to do.”

  “Maybe for you it is. Seems like the coward’s way out if you ask me.”

  “Excuse me?” The defensiveness in my voice clear as day.

  “You know what I think?” He turns, resting his hip on the railing as he crosses his arms over his chest.

  “I get the feeling you’re about to tell me,” I whip out, knowing it’s easier to let myself feel anger than the sadness that is eating me alive from the inside out.

  “I think you’re scared,” he says, ignoring my comment. “And not of losing Courtney either. I think you’re scared of how I make you feel. I think you’re afraid that you’re going to let me in, and I’m going to hurt you like every other man has in your life.”

  “I told you those things so you’d understand you weren’t alone. Not so you could use them against me when it suited you to do so.” I can feel tears sting the back of my eyes, but I do my best to keep them at bay.

  “I’m not using anything against you. I’m telling you what you don’t want to hear but know is true. You’re terrified of this.” He uncrosses his arms and takes a full step toward me, closing the small distance between us. “So much so that you’re ready to throw in the towel the second you get the chance.”

  “You’re delusional. This has nothing to do with us. I’m doing this for Courtney.”

  “Bullshit.” He towers over me. “The damage has already been done. She’s not going to forgive you any sooner because you broke things off with us. If anything, she’ll be more pissed that you risked her friendship on something you would so easily discard.”

  “Don’t twist this to your benefit.”

  “I’m not twisting anything, Bree. I’m saying it as it is. Deep down you know I’m right.”

  “I can’t do this, Ant.” I take a full step back, feeling like I can’t breathe with him standing so close.

  “You’ve said that already,” he replies dryly, like he’s bored with the conversation.

  “I’m sorry, about everything. I hope that we can find a way to put this past us and still be friends.”

  “We won’t.”

  “What?” I look up at him, surprised.

  “We won’t get past this. And I can’t ever be just your friend, Bree. Not again. Not after knowing what it feels like to love you the way I do. I’m an all or nothing kind of guy, but then again, I feel like you already knew that about me.”

  “So then what are you saying?” I question, my throat feeling seconds away from closing up.

  All I want to do is rush into his arms tell him I love him, and ask him never to let me go. But I’ve made the selfish move already, and I’ve hurt everyone around me in the process. It’s time I stop putting my wants and needs before everyone else’s, no matter how impossible it feels right now.

  “I’m saying if you walk away from me now it’s over, forever. I won’t go back and forth. I won’t have my heart put through fucking barbwire every time you change your mind.”

  “So you won’t fight for me is what you’re saying?”

  I don’t even know why the statement leaves my mouth, only that I wish like hell I could take it back once it does.

  “I’ve been fighting for you s
ince the moment I saw you outside of Sebastian’s apartment, maybe even before that. I don’t know what else I have to do to prove to you I love you, that I want this.”

  “You don’t have to do anything. I know you love me,” I say, swiping at the tear that slides down my cheek. “And I love you. So much. But I have to do what’s right. And this—you and me.” I gesture between the two of us. “It’s never been right. You were never mine to begin with. You were the first boy she ever loved, did you know that?” I choke back a sob. “And I ruined that. I stole that from her.”

  “You didn’t steal anything from her. I haven’t been hers for years,” he tries to argue, but I can tell by the look on his face he knows it’s a lost cause.

  “But that’s where you’re wrong,” I say, turning and slowly exiting the porch.

  “Bree, please don’t do this.” There’s a hint of panic in his voice, and it takes everything inside of me to keep walking.

  “I’m flying home today.” I turn once I reach the sidewalk, realizing he’s just feet away from me in the middle of the yard. “I’m going home to my son. It’s time I refocus. It was fun pretending for a while, Ant. It really was. But it’s time I get back to my real life.”

  “Please don’t do this, Bree. I’m not just losing you, but I’m losing Jack too. You can’t do that to me.” The sob that manages to escape past my lips sounds borderline hysterical, but I manage to pull myself together. “Call me when you get back to town, and we will work out a time for you to come get your things.”

  “Bree,” he objects again.

  “Bye, Ant.” I give him a sad smile, holding in my tears until I’ve rounded the corner, at which point I completely fall apart.

  I haven’t seen or spoken to Ant in nearly a week. It’s been one of the hardest and loneliest weeks of my life. I’ve laid in bed every night, surrounded by his scent that still lingers on the sheets I refuse to wash, wondering why I made the choice I did.

  It seemed like the right move at the time, walking away from Ant. But if that was how it was going to end all along then why did I risk everything for the chance to be with him? It feels like it was all for nothing, and I ended up worse off after the fact.

  Courtney still got hurt. She hasn’t spoken to me since that evening at Ant’s mom’s house. She’s avoided my calls, left my text messages unanswered, and has made it pretty clear she has no desire to hear me out. I can’t say I blame her. I wouldn’t want to hear what I had to say either.

  But now instead of just Courtney, we’re all hurt. Everyone, including Jackson, can feel the effects of the fallout. It breaks my heart that I did that to him. That I’m the reason that when he wakes every morning looking for Ant that he can’t find him. I’m the reason for the disappointed look on his face every day when he learns that just like yesterday Ant isn’t here.

  I opened my arms to Anthony almost immediately, made him a part of our little family, and then as soon as things got too hard, I bailed, hurting not only myself but my son as well. Someone I never, ever wanted to hurt.

  I thought maybe we could talk when he came to get his things, maybe we could find a way to move past this. That I could tell him that I reacted irrationally and purely on emotion, and I didn’t mean any of it. But given that he too is not answering any of my calls or texts, I think he’s made his stance pretty clear.

  Hell, he waited until I was at work to come get his things. I only knew he had been there because he left his key on the table, which prompted me to search the apartment only to find that all his things were gone. If that doesn’t say ‘I don’t want to see you’ I don’t know what does.

  “How long has it been since you’ve talked to him?” Tess’ voice pulls me from my thoughts, and I look up to see her studying me with a sad look on her face.

  “That obvious?” I sigh, fiddling with the end of my messy ponytail.

  When Tess came over to ‘cheer me up’ after Jackson went to bed, we made a pact that we wouldn’t speak about Ant or Courtney. I’m pretty impressed we’ve lasted this long. An hour without saying one word about the two people I can’t stop thinking about might be a record for me.

  “Why don’t you just call him?”

  “I’ve tried,” I admit. “Several times. I even thought about going over to your place, but I didn’t want to put you and Sebastian in an awkward position.”

  “He’s not there.” Her statement surprises me.

  “What do you mean he’s not there? Where is he?”

  “Not sure. He mentioned to Sebastian that he was taking a family leave from work, and I know he had some things to settle back in Rockfield. Maybe he’s still there.”

  “But he came to get all his things,” I interject.

  “Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe he flew here for a couple days and then flew back. All I know is that we haven’t seen him since the night of the funeral.”

  “God, I’ve made such a mess of things.” I drop my head into my hands.

  “Yes, you have,” Tess agrees, giving me a sad smile when I lift my gaze to hers.

  “Tell me how it is, why don’t you?” I roll my eyes.

  “Hey, you get no sugar coating here. You know you messed up.”

  “I did more than just mess up. I epically fucked everything.”

  “That may be true, but, Bree, you’ve been in tougher spots than this one,” she reminds me, taking a drink of her wine.

  “Yeah, but not when my heart was involved. It’s easy to detach from situations, to push them to the back of your mind and pretend like they don’t exist. But I can’t do that with Ant. I feel the loss of him everywhere. My body physically aches, my chest feels like it weighs a trillion pounds, and my stomach has been knotted so tight that I’m fairly certain I haven’t eaten one day’s worth of food in the last week. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can barely focus at work. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.”

  “That’s how you know it’s real.” She leans forward, patting my leg. “When I lost Sebastian, I swore I would carry that pain with me until the day I died. Nothing had ever hurt so badly before. Hell, there were days I wished I would die just so I could stop thinking about him. Because every time I thought about him my entire world splintered all over again.”

  “Did it get any easier over time?”

  “Yes and no?” She shrugs. “Time made the pain more bearable, but I never truly shook the loss of him. I would walk into a class and see something that would remind me of him, and instantly I would be transported back. I would see his face, his smile, and then the rest of the day I was worthless. But then I would get up the next morning, and I would start all over. Some days I barely thought of him at all. Others he’s all I thought about.”

  “So how did you do it? How did you go five years without him, especially after he showed up wanting you back?”

  “You know, at the time I remember thinking that it was the right thing. I had come so far by that point that opening myself up to the pain I knew would come if I lost him again just didn’t seem worth it. It took everything in me but I knew we weren’t ready, and I wouldn’t—I couldn’t—go through that again. Now, I look back and have no idea how I ever said no to that man.”

  “But it all worked out in the end.”

  “It did. But it’s not all sunshine and roses. There are a lot of wounds from our past that I still feel daily. I’m still afraid that one day something is going to happen that’s going to send him running again. Things feel perfect now but then again, they felt perfect back then too. One day we were happy, in love, the next I was in the most excruciating pain of my life and it came on with no warning. He was there and then he wasn’t.”

  “But Sebastian isn’t the same boy he was back then. I think you’ve both grown and learned from your experience. You know what it feels like to be without each other. I think that’s enough to keep him right where he is.”

  “I know. And a part of me knows he won’t leave me again. But the other part of me will always be waiting for that o
ther shoe to drop. I don’t know if that will ever truly go away. It may lessen with time, but I think it will always be there in the back of my mind.”

  “And yet you’re here. You came back for him knowing you would have to live with that doubt?”

  “Because it’s better to have some doubts and have him in my life than have no doubt and not. He’s worth it. He’s worth the risk. It took me a while to see that, but now I don’t think anything has ever been clearer. My life is better with Sebastian in it. Plain and simple.”

  “My life is better with Ant” I admit out loud, pushing past the sudden tears that burn the back of my eyes. “I didn’t realize what I was missing in my life until he came back into it. He brought a joy with him. He made me laugh every day. Watching him with Jackson was like watching a father and son, because even though he isn’t Jack’s father, I think a part of him wanted to be.”

  “He loves that boy. Anyone can see that.”

  “He begged me not to take Jack from him,” I say, having not yet divulged exactly how everything ended between us, only that it had. “It killed me. It kills me.”

  “You did what you thought was right,” Tess tries to reassure me, but even I can tell it’s for my own benefit and not because it’s true.

  “Did I? And if so, who was it right for? Courtney still hates me. I’m miserable. Jack’s miserable. I thought I was doing what was right, now I’m not sure I know what that is anymore. And now it’s too late to change any of it.”

  I take a deep breath, willing myself not to cry. Leaning forward, I grab my wine glass off the coffee table in front of me and take a long pull.

  “It’s not too late,” Tess disagrees.

  “How do you figure?” My question is laced with defeat. “Ant is… well, who the hell knows where he is. He won’t answer my calls. He won’t text me back. I think it was too late the moment I left him standing on that front porch.”

  “You don’t know that,” she soothes.

  “Yes I do, Tess. You didn’t see the look on his face that day. You didn’t see his heart physically break when I told him it was over. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so hurt in my entire life.”