Triquetra

by Marguerite Labbe

  “Hush. It’s not your fault.” I kissed him and drew him close again, selfishly keeping him with only me for a few minutes. “We’ll figure it out together. Somehow we’ll fix it.”

  Kristair didn’t respond. Deep doubt clouded his mind. I gathered him closer, clinging to him. Ever since I met him, time had sped up and no matter what I did to make it slow down it only moved faster.

  Kayla was still nearby and she was just as worried as me so I forced myself to pull away. “Kayla is here.”

  Kristair’s head popped up. I sensed his dismay, though I wasn’t sure if it was because she was seeing him like this or because he hadn’t realized she was here in the first place. “Kayla?”

  She turned away from the window, her pixie face drawn. “Jesus, Kris, you scared me.”

  He held out his hand. “Come here, little one.”

  Kristair was never comfortable with strong emotions, especially his own, and he was unsettled now. I rose from the couch to give them some privacy.

  I didn’t know what to do. Damn, I wanted to help him but I was useless and lost. Maybe if the three of us put our heads together or, I don’t know… something.

  I opened the fridge and grabbed two beers. I needed something to steel my nerves. I walked back to the couch and handed her one. She took a sip, her nose wrinkling in distaste, but she didn’t give it back.

  Kristair met my eyes as I sat back down. Oh, I hated that expression, fury and fear hitting me. “Don’t you fucking even think about giving up.”

  “I wasn’t considering it,” he responded mildly, running a hand over his scalp. “Tell me everything, Jacob, down to the tiniest detail you can remember. Maybe that will help us pin down another avenue we can try.”

  I nodded, eyeing Kayla on Kristair’s lap, her head nestled on his shoulder in a childlike way. Okay, I was a little jealous. I wanted to be close to him too, but I held my tongue. I had taken most of Kristair’s time in the past several months. If I was her I’d be pretty jealous of me. I sighed and took Kristair’s hand, smiling faintly as he linked our fingers together.

  “Well, I was hanging with the guys when I first began to suspect something was up,” I started, leaning my head on Kristair’s other shoulder.

  “The connection got thin, like it does sometimes when you’re asleep, but I knew you weren’t….” I continued with my story, Kayla and Kristair listening intently to every word. We would find a way to help him. I was determined. I glanced over at Kayla and saw the same flinty unwavering resolve in her eyes. That made me feel better. I wasn’t alone.

  Chapter 29

  I LISTENED to Jacob’s tale with half my attention. Kayla kept interrupting with questions, which helped to distract them both. I wrapped my arm around Jacob’s shoulders and pulled him closer. My Mistress’s journals had left out this aspect of the transformation. Maybe she didn’t want others to think she was going insane. I wasn’t entirely sure myself. How did one know if they were losing their mind? Or maybe she hadn’t been as stubborn as I was being.

  None of my schemes were working. It may have slowed the process down some but it hadn’t stopped it. If I hadn’t done the ritual when I had, I would’ve disappeared weeks ago at the very least. Despite what I had said to Jacob, I knew now we weren’t going to be able to reverse the symptoms. I could feel it in my bones. Whatever this was it was changing every part of me. I could feel it in my physical form, in my mind. It was starting to permeate everything I said or did.

  At first I had only heard the whispering as I was falling asleep or awakening. Then it came whenever I changed form. Now it seemed to have little rhyme or reason when it struck. And the visions. I shuddered as I remembered how I had been drifting without conscious volition in and out of the past. What was really odd was that I’d expect to visit specific moments in my history, significant events that shaped me, but that wasn’t always the case. I’d drop in on a period of time that was known to me, but the specific events were new. Did that mean anything?

  One thing was for certain. I didn’t believe it was a death anymore, or really that I was going insane. I still believed it was just as permanent, though, and that it would be a goodbye. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to be ready. Twenty years ago I might’ve looked on it as a learning experience, but now I merely wanted to stay with my makeshift family.

  When Jacob finally stopped his tale, he lifted his head from my shoulder. “Tell me this gives you some ideas,” he said, trying to smile though the urgency in his voice.

  I shook my head, hating the way hope died in his eyes. “I need to look in my Mistress’s journals. She catalogued everything that happened to her. She was a pedagogue at heart, and couldn’t resist setting everything down.” Maybe she had put something in them referencing this new development, though I didn’t remember. Really though, it would give Jacob something to do, and I suspected he would feel better for having a plan.

  Kayla frowned and I shook my head at her minutely. She pressed her lips together and didn’t say anything.

  Jacob’s face brightened and he sat up. “Where are they?” He looked at Kayla. “Didn’t you say you had them?”

  “No, I gave them back to Kris. Are they still in the special collection or did you have them moved after the explosion?”

  “They’re still there. They’d be safer there than anywhere else since only you and I can get in.” I brushed my lips against Jacob’s temple. “Why don’t you go fetch them for us? Then we can look them over.” I was half-afraid he’d protest, but he merely looked at Kayla, and then nodded.

  I gave him the combination and told him where he would be able to find them. They were among the first pieces I had located in the mess and safely returned to their niche. He hesitated as he arose, his need to do something warring with his desire to stay with me.

  “Are you sure, Kristair? Maybe….” He stopped, pressing his lips together. “I’ll be back soon.”

  “I’ll be right here.”

  “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll be.” He grabbed his coat and looked at me one last time, reluctance written in every line of his body. “I love you.”

  I smiled and a rush of painful poignancy stung my throat. “I love you too, mo chroí.” I think that was the first time I’d said it so plainly. Jacob smiled back and then left, heading toward the elevator at a run. I disguised my emotions and met Kayla’s eyes. Her expression was suspicious, though I could tell my confession to Jacob had touched her. Women were overcome by such sentimentality, and Kayla was terrible about it.

  I touched her cheek, tucking a strand of hair out of her eyes. It was hard to believe she had been a part of my life for seven years. When she had arrived, she had been a skinny little waif, and now she was… I shook my head. Who was getting sentimental now?

  “What gives? There’s nothing in Nerissa’s journals that describes what Jake was talking about. You and I have been over them a hundred times. Do you have an idea?”

  “No, Kayla.” I hesitated. How did I tell her that it was time to accept the truth?

  Her face grew flinty. “Don’t say it, Kris.”

  “I’m not giving up, but we have to be realistic.” I took her hands in mine; they were so cold. They always got that way when she was very upset.

  “I don’t want to be realistic,” she said, her voice quavering, tears filling her dark blue eyes. “Damn it, Father, I don’t want you to leave.”

  I smiled. She hadn’t called me that since she started working in my office. I drew her close, my own eyes stinging. “I promise you, little one, just like I promised Jacob and I meant it, I’m not giving up.” I was coming to realize the futility of my struggle and I wanted in some way to prepare them.

  “Do me a favor.” I waited until she met my eyes again, tears spiking her lashes. “If something happens—”

  “Nothing’s going to happen!” she cried. “I won’t let it.”

  “Hush Kayla, listen to me.” I held her close again, stroking her long hair like I used
to when she would wake up from a nightmare. When she calmed down some I started again, my voice quiet and firm. “If something should happen….” She let out a soft sound of distress. “I want you and Jacob to look after each other.” They both were too headstrong and independent for their own good, but I knew they would protect the other fiercely if I asked them. Maybe somehow they could manage to keep each other out of trouble.

  “God damn it, that’s not fair.” She pounded one fist against my shoulder and glared at me. “If I promise then it’s like admitting I think you’re leaving, and I won’t do it.”

  “Now you’re just being stubborn.” I was experiencing the same pain she was. At first, I had resented the burden she laid on me when she exploded into my life, but now I was very grateful for every unquiet moment. “It would ease this old man’s mind if you did.”

  I held her eyes, my gaze implacable, and refused to let her look away. Tears streamed down her cheeks and then she drew in a long, shuddering breath. “Fine, I’ll keep an eye on Jake. Not because you’re going anywhere; just because he seems like he causes more trouble than he’s worth.”

  I chuckled. “No, he’s worth it, every last moment. Just as you are worth the trouble you’ve caused.”

  Kayla’s eyes grew indignant and she punched my shoulder again. As I had hoped, her tears stopped. “I am not trouble!”

  “Oh, I beg to differ. If I were still human you would’ve given me gray hair a long time ago.” It was good to sit here and banter with her again, even if it was laced with a painful edge. I loved her, as deeply as if she were a child born to me.

  “That’s not funny. Besides, you’re as bald as a baby’s butt.”

  “Yes, it is funny.” I tweaked the end of her nose, smiling as she batted my hand away. “I’ve missed you.”

  “Well if you weren’t so busy with your boy toy I might come around more,” she said crossly, then relented as my brows lifted. “I’m not jealous, not really. I always thought you shouldn’t be alone. It’s just that… now… with everything that’s going on….” Her face grew distressed again.

  I shook my head, regretting again the precious little time I had. I didn’t know what to say to her. “Kayla….”

  “Don’t. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You love him.” An impish smile crossed her lips. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you to say that? Now I have an opportunity for total mockage.”

  “You’re incorrigible.” I tugged her close and she rested her head on my shoulder. There were so many things I wanted to say. I didn’t know how so I remained silent and rocked her. Of all the people I had known in my life and all those that I had let in, Kayla and Jacob were the most precious to me. It was ironic that I found them in the twilight of my existence. Or, maybe it was because my time was so limited that I finally allowed someone to knock down my walls. I smiled a bittersweet smile. Kayla and Jacob were very good at destroying the barriers I hid behind. Each one lived and loved to the fullest and expected no less in return.

  Kayla wept in my arms, something she never did. She clung to me as if her heart were breaking, her tears dampening my shirt. I ached to comfort her. I wanted to gather her and Jacob close and never let them go.

  My mind brushed across his, needing the reminder of our connection. Right now I couldn’t bear there being any distance between us, and he felt the same way. It was almost as if we were together in the same room. Almost, but not quite. Still we shared something special. No matter how far away he was physically we were never alone as long as our minds and emotions were linked.

  My mind meandered through his, examining his thoughts, his feelings, all the hopes and dreams he had stored in that complex psyche of his. For once, he didn’t chastise me or poke back at me. He seemed to sense I needed it somehow. Ahhh, my Jacob. He was so beautiful, more so in the way he felt and lived, his loyalty than his outward appearance.

  He was focused now, intent on getting those books and finding a cure for me no matter what it took. If anybody could achieve the impossible it was him. Gently, I disengaged our deep connection and retreated, still leaving our minds linked on a lighter level so as not to alarm him.

  Kayla’s tears had subsided and I pressed my lips to the top of her head. She would go far one day. I had no doubt. She had all of her ancestress’s intelligence and fire. I had never known anyone with such an indomitable will as my Mistress’s had been. Kayla was like her in many ways, though she was far more agreeable to be around.

  “There are a couple of other things I would like you to see to,” I said gently when I thought she was ready. Oh, I hadn’t imagined this hurting so bad, yet then I had never allowed myself to believe it would really happen at all.

  “Kris, you’re too fucking practical,” Kayla said, her voice catching.

  “Someone has to be, and I certainly know it’s not going to be either you or Jacob.”

  She glared at me. “Don’t you feel anything, damn it?! How can you sit there so cold when you’re talking about orphaning me?”

  “Is that what you think? That I don’t feel anything?” I framed her face between my hands, the force of my emotions erupting from me. Carefully, I blocked them from Jacob, but I couldn’t hold them back from her anymore. “I can’t stop it. Each night it gets worse. What if you or Jacob get hurt because I cannot control myself anymore?”

  I trembled, unable to stop the words flooding from me. She was crying again, her eyes huge on my face. “I don’t care!” she shouted. “Don’t stop fighting. Don’t be such a fucking coward, Father!”

  “I’m NOT, little one. I’m not. I just….” I shut up. She didn’t want to hear me tell her I wanted her to be prepared. All she wanted was for me to tell her everything was going to be all right as I used to do in the middle of the night. I sighed and leaned my head against hers, my chest aching, my eyes stinging.

  “I love you, though you make me crazy. I won’t stop searching, I promise. Do you believe me?”

  She searched my face and then nodded. “No more talk of what I should do if something happens to you?”

  I sighed. She was just as stubborn as ever. “I promise.” I would leave a letter with Mr. Ussier for the both of them, just in case, though neither was likely to appreciate it. It would make me feel better to know that I had a few things in place the way I wanted them. Neither Kayla nor Jacob would ever want for anything, though I doubted they would see it that way. Knowing Jacob, he just might refuse it out of hand.

  “Good. Now I’m going to stay here until Jake returns and then I’m going to give you some alone time with him. I know you have no intention of reading those damned journals.”

  “How well you know me,” I said softly, staring down at my hand on the couch.

  “I should, after all this time.” She leaned her cheek against mine. “Would you sing me a song?”

  “You can’t be serious? I can’t sing.”

  “I know. You sound god-awful, but I want to hear it just the same.”

  I’d never understand her. I don’t care if I lived for another thousand years. However, I couldn’t ignore this request. I wracked my mind, searching for a suitable song. I remembered one from before I was taken from my own home and brought on this strange journey that led me to her and Jacob. I started singing and she relaxed in my arms, the tension leeching away from her body. I held her tighter, singing without conscious thought as I stared spellbound at my hand. Despair filled me as it seemed to fade, the couch showing clearly through my flesh.

  Chapter 30

  I DIDN’T like leaving Kristair behind. I absolutely hated it. At least I knew Kayla cared about him as much as I did, and she was the only one I trusted to be with him right now. So if I had to leave him with anybody, she would be the one I chose. He seemed somewhat stable right now, though his thoughts were moody and dark. I knew he was considering giving up and it both infuriated and terrified me.

  Every once in awhile, Kristair reached out to me, even going so far as to penetr
ate my mind completely. I craved those touches and held onto them as long as possible. Not too long ago I would’ve hated the invasion of my privacy, but now there were no secrets between us. I knew the worst about him and lord knew he knew the worst about me, and we still loved each other. It didn’t get much more secure than that.

  Simmering with impatience, I made my way back to campus, catching the bus since I didn’t have any more money for cabs. As I made my way across the lawn toward the cathedral I eyed it with a groan. Those damn elevators better be working again. What ever possessed Kristair to pick the top floors anyway? He could have picked the thirtieth floor and still had plenty of empty space around him.

  It was late so the place was pretty empty. I headed toward the bank of elevators and noticed with profound relief they were lit up. Halle-fucking-lujah, thank god for small favors. I hurried over and stepped into one, hitting the button for Kristair’s floor. It didn’t light up. I sighed and hit the one below it. Nothing. Wonderful. One-by-one I hit the buttons until the twenty-fifth floor lit up. Oh well. It was better than nothing.

  I scowled when the elevator stopped, and started climbing the stairs. After several flights my thighs started to ache. I guess my body still hadn’t forgiven me for the marathon I had done a week ago when Kristair had been trapped. I gritted my teeth and kept going back and forth between telling myself I was gonna be in excellent shape when football practice started again and reminding myself that those journals might have the clues we needed to figure out what the fuck was happening.

  I was breathing hard by the time I reached the floor Kristair’s office had been on. I leaned against the wall to catch my breath and let my heartbeat slow down. There was a light sheen of sweat on my forehead and the back of my neck.

  When I opened the door into the hallway, the reek of stale smoke stung my nose. I hadn’t let myself go up there since the explosion. I knew it would upset me.

  The door to Kristair’s office was gone and police tape covered the empty hole. Slowly, as if pulled, I walked down to the remains and peeked in. The twisted remnants of his file cabinets lined the walls, his antique desk was destroyed, and the wreckage of the computer was on the floor. The litter crunched under my feet as I made my way back to his private room. Why was I doing this? Maybe it was morbid curiosity, but I couldn’t stop myself.