Redeeming Her Montana Love

by Vella Munn

  He’d finished the day by driving clear to the Bob Marshall Wilderness Complex. Motorized vehicles weren’t allowed in the wilderness but just seeing a fraction of the million and a half acres from the road made him long to hike in it. Maybe that was what it would take to clear his mind.

  It had just been getting light when he’d driven over to Alisha’s cabin this morning, but she hadn’t been there. Even if she had been, he wasn’t sure what he’d say. How could he when he’d never told anyone why he’d ended his old man’s life?

  Maybe she was afraid of him. If so, he couldn’t blame her.

  The best thing would be to leave her alone for a while.

  By the time he’d walked out of the third bathroom at the end of his work day, he’d changed his mind countless times about the wisdom of trying to see her. He might not have gotten into his truck if Shaw hadn’t told him what he’d offered Alisha for the cabin. If she needed to discuss the pros and cons—

  No, he admitted when he spotted her car parked behind her cabin. He wasn’t here to talk about what whether selling was what she wanted to do. It was much more complex than that. The only thing he was sure of was that he’d label himself a coward if he didn’t try to see her. He had no control over what would happen once he did, but he needed to apologize for saying so little. He’d force himself tell her everything he could and what she was willing to listen to followed by dealing with the consequences. As he got out of his truck, Bruce trotted over to him.

  “Where’s your mistress?” he asked. “I missed you, missed her, too, and that’s more complicated.”

  He started toward the front door only to stop when something drew his attention to the lake. She was sitting in a lawn chair on the dock with her back turned to where he was standing. Probably she hadn’t heard him coming.

  “You won’t fit on my bike,” he told Bruce. “Too bad you can’t because you might like it. I went for a ride the other night. Trying to clear my head. Most times the remedy works but it didn’t this time. Be glad your life is uncomplicated.”

  Again second guessing himself, he nevertheless went into the storage shed for another folding chair. As he started toward the lake with it, he couldn’t help but draw meaning from the fact that she’d only gotten out one for herself.

  He could leave.

  Run away.

  Disgusted with himself, he clenched his teeth in an attempt to not relive the times he’d done exactly that. He was trying to decide how to alert her to his presence when Bruce left him and trotted toward his mistress. As Bruce reached the dock, she looked back at the dog.

  Spotted him.

  Her eyes widened. She didn’t speak. Going slow so not to alarm her, he stepped onto the structure he’d repaired and set up the chair a few feet from her. Neither of them talking, they watched as a boat drifted by.

  “What are you doing here?” she finally asked.

  “I talked to Shaw. Are you going to accept his offer?”

  The way her fingers clenched made him regret jumping into the middle of things. He still wanted to stand and walk away, but if he did, that would be the end of them.

  If it wasn’t already.

  “I don’t know.”

  Bruce had rested his head on her lap. Watching her stroke the dog, he wished he was as good at tapping into her emotions as her pet was.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

  “About whether I’m going to sell or keep this place?” Her lack of expression tore him apart. There was no warmth or tenderness, no hint there’d been something between them.

  “Maybe. It’s an incredible offer.”

  “That’s my concern,” she said, “not yours.”

  So that’s how it is going to be. “All right. Got it. Have you thought about what you’ll do with the money?”

  “Some,” she said then sketched out what had happened during the meeting that had taken her away from Lake Serene. She’d presented her recommendations. Whether her clients accepted or rejected them was up to them.

  “So if they go with Kannar’s plan, selling the cabin will make up for what you would have earned from the project.”

  “Yes.”

  She was looking at the lake again, maybe trying to determine how fast the closest fishing boat was going. She’d chewed him out for breaking the speed limit. Funny but he had no interest in doing that again. He’d tell her if he thought it mattered to her, but she wanted him gone.

  “When will you know what your clients have decided?”

  “They said by the end of today.”

  “You haven’t heard anything?”

  She shrugged. “My cell’s in the cabin.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’m in no hurry to get the word.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’ve been thinking about what living and working here year around is like,” she said. “Only having a handful of people to interact with, being stuck together even with all this land around. Maybe the beauty isn’t enough. I love being here, but does living alone in a cabin make any kind of sense? Every time I go inside I remember being here with Mom.”

  “That’ll fade.”

  “Do I want to wait that long?”

  “I can’t answer that for you.”

  “No, you can’t.”

  His mind started to drift. He’d thought about buying a boat, but he wouldn’t have a use for one once his work here was over. There’d be no taking Alisha out on the lake to watch the moon or sun come up. She was done with him.

  Holding his breath, he planted his hands on his knees and leaned forward. “Alisha?”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  NATE’S TONE SAID everything. He was no longer content to let her prattle on. Despite her knotted stomach, she was relieved because she’d no longer have to struggle to find something to talk about.

  “I don’t know whether I’m ready to see you,” she told him. “I’m not…”

  “Not what?”

  She studied him for the first time. He looked weary, like she felt. “I’m still trying to process what you did and didn’t tell me.”

  “Are you afraid of me?” He held out the hands that had killed his father.

  “No. Of course not.”

  “I understand if you are.”

  “How hard was it for you to come here today?”

  He stared first at the dock and then out at the lake. She was sitting here because it had always been easier to get in touch with her emotions when she was out-of-doors. The combination of permanence and constant change anchored her. She couldn’t remember ever needing anything more.

  “Hard,” he said. “But I wouldn’t have been able to face myself if I didn’t.”

  His honesty surprised her.

  “I want you to listen to me,” she said.

  Strange, the tension she’d been battling was no longer there. Instead, she was resigned and ready. It was time for everything to be out in the open. And if he couldn’t give her that—

  “I’m upset.” She went back to studying the lake so she could concentrate. “Confused. Hurt.”

  “Hurt? Why?”

  Didn’t he know? “Nate, I told you everything about the last day of my father’s life. About how our argument blinded me to what was happening to him. After keeping that bottled up inside, I was ready to tell someone—you—about my guilt.”

  “So you could get over it.”

  She vaguely remembered him telling her to bury the past and live for today, but because of him, her present was a mess. He’d asked if she was afraid of him. No, she wanted to repeat, no. A million other emotions but not that.

  “It isn’t that simple,” she said. “Nate, I told you something no other person knows. I exposed myself.”

  “I know.”

  “No, you don’t!”

  She was on her feet before she knew she was going to. Bruce whimpered and pressed against her side. Trembling, she planted herself in front of Nate so he could no longer see the lake.
His expression wary, he leaned back and met her gaze. This would be easier only her emotions weren’t so complex.

  “What I told you was nothing compared to your secret,” she whispered. “You could have just said you understood how hard my confession was because you’d had—the timing was perfect.” This man with his windblown hair, limp shirt, and smudged jeans had seen her naked. He’d touched her heart in ways only someone she’d trusted could have.

  She’d laid herself bare to him and what had he given her in return? Nothing for too long.

  “I don’t understand why you didn’t confide in me after I’d ripped myself open. I’ll never—”

  He held up his hand. “Wait. Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?” He shouldn’t mean so much to her. They’d only had two nights together. It wasn’t as if she’d thought she might be falling in love with him. Wanted to share Lake Serene with him.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re right. You deserved better.”

  Suddenly she was no longer angry, just sad. “Then why didn’t I get it?”

  He stood and walked around her to the end of the dock. If a boat came close enough to create waves, he might not be able to keep his balance.

  “I’d killed my old man.” He kept his back to her. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

  Of course he didn’t. Darn it, she should have thought about it from his perspective. Maybe she would have if his confession, followed by his abrupt leaving, hadn’t been such a blow to her heart.

  Studying his back, she faced more reality. Nate had murdered his father. Had rage driven him? She hadn’t seen any signs of a temper but then in many ways he was a stranger. What weapon had he used? Maybe his fists. How much violence had been involved?

  “I still don’t know how to tell you,” he said, “but I have to try. I can’t live with myself if I don’t. I rode my bike into the back country the other night. Then I stood at the entrance to Bob Marshall Wilderness. Tried to clear my mind.”

  “Did you?”

  “I went slow when I was on my bike. Tried to minimize its sound. The next day I gave serious thought to hiking through the wilderness. Did so much thinking.”

  I’ve been doing the same thing. Finding no resolution.

  He slowly turned so they were looking at each other. “For the first time in my life I have to try to explain instead of keeping everything locked away. Will you listen?”

  Overwhelmed, she nodded.

  His arms hung at his sides as he returned to the lawn chair and sank into it. She did the same.

  “Jeff was always small for his age and not interested in sports.” He stared at the lake. “It’s like glass today. So beautiful. Peaceful. Our old man was ashamed of him. Why couldn’t he have two jocks for sons? What his youngest needed was to be toughened up.”

  Just like that she ached to defend the boy Nate’s younger brother had been.

  “The old man was hard on both of us. Belts, sticks, a fist. His temper—it was always there like something lurking in the dark. I used to hate the dark.”

  She felt sick. “Where was your mother?”

  “Not there.”

  “Your dad was a single parent?”

  “That’s not what I mean. Most of the time she was physically present. Emotionally was another story. I tried asking why she let him do the things he did, but she never answered. She’d shrug and go back to watching TV. She was addicted to TV.”

  “Maybe it was her escape.”

  “It shouldn’t have been! She’d given birth to two children. They needed her.”

  She spotted a flash of what might have been the temper Nate’s father had passed on, but then it was gone, replaced by resignation. A shadow overhead threatened to distract her. Maybe if she drew Nate’s attention to it—

  “Because I did a better job of living up to the old man’s insane expectations, I didn’t get punished as much as Jeff did. I kept telling my brother to lift weights to build up his muscles, but he was only thirteen when…”

  If Jeff had been thirteen that meant Nate had been fifteen when he’d killed his father. In essence, a child.

  “Tell me about it,” she made herself say.

  He threw her a look full of dread then went back to studying the quiet surface. In the middle of the lake people were holding onto fishing poles and occasionally lowering a dip net into the water. It looked so peaceful, something that had been part of Lake Serene’s rhythm long before she was born.

  It was different on the dock—here where an unmoving Nate spoke of a two-bedroom house that served as two boys’ prison. Their mother was locked away in her own world while her husband abused his children. He yelled and belittled, struck and slapped, sometimes deprived them of food. She sensed Nate wasn’t telling her the worst of it, but he was doing the best he was capable of. Keeping certain nightmares locked away.

  “You don’t have to rush this,” she said when he paused. “The sun’s going to be here for a while.”

  “What about you?”

  “I’m here.”

  The way he was looking at her, she knew he wanted more, but she couldn’t give it.

  “One day Jeff brought a note from the principal. He was afraid to give it to our old man. Because it was sealed, we didn’t know what it said. Jeff kept saying he hadn’t gotten into trouble. I believed him.”

  “Because he never did anything out of line?”

  Nate raked his fingers through hair the breeze had tangled. “Jeff was so beaten down. I was too but—I don’t know—maybe worrying about him kept me feeling alive.”

  Feeling. Nate needed to be held. She knew that with every fiber of her being but was afraid to touch him for fear of pulling him away from the story.

  Be there for him. She begged their surroundings. Accept him.

  “The old man must have known we were uptight. He was good at exploiting our weaknesses. Finally, Jeff showed him the envelope.” Nate leaned back only to rock forward.

  Bruce had been sitting next to him. Now the dog placed a paw on Nate’s lap. The overhead shadow returned. Together Nate and she looked up, up at a distant eagle.

  “There,” she whispered.

  “Yes, there.” His mouth softened. “The principal had written that he was concerned about Jeff. He wanted to talk to his parents about ways of increasing his self-confidence. That set the old man off. He yelled he didn’t want the school on his back. His son had to start acting like someone he could be proud of. He took off his belt.”

  You don’t have to do this. She longed to tell Nate. They’d go forward from here, try to build a future. But if he didn’t bring the past into the open and face his demons, he would always be trapped. They’d never have a chance.

  Maybe they didn’t.

  No! She couldn’t believe that, not with spring strong at Lake Serene.

  “It was bad.” He covered Bruce’s paw with his hand. “Real bad. In the past the old man stopped before—this time he couldn’t.”

  Not wouldn’t but couldn’t. A man out of control.

  Give Nate what he needs. She silently encouraged Bruce.

  “Jeff was crying. He never cried so I knew—and he was bleeding.”

  Did Nate see the lake he was staring at? Was he even aware of her presence? Hopefully so, because otherwise the nightmare might overwhelm him.

  “I begged Mom to do something, but she left the room. It was baseball season. My sports bag was in the room. I opened it. Pulled out the bat.”

  Suddenly afraid, she swallowed. “Did you know what you were about to do?”

  “Oh yes.” He handed her a brief tortured look. “The first blow stopped him, but I didn’t.”

  Oh, my god.

  “I kept hitting him until the police came which didn’t take long. Everything boiled out of me—all the years of being scared, being hit, not able to protect my brother…”

  “How did the police know—”

  “The neighbors.”

  Not his worthless mothe
r but people in the neighborhood had finally gotten involved. Even though she kept swallowing, she couldn’t get another word out.

  “I was taken before a juvenile court judge. My name didn’t appear in the paper but I’m sure everyone at school knew. It didn’t matter because I never went there again.”

  “What about Jeff?”

  He gnawed on his lower lip. “Mom moved back with her folks and took him with her. A year later she remarried and took off with her new husband. Jeff stayed with our grandparents.”

  “Oh.”

  He stared up at the trees as if seeing them for the first time. “Are you going to ask what happened to me?”

  “If you want me to.”

  “I’ve never talked about this.”

  “It’s time.”

  He glanced at the water. “I wish I was fishing. Just fishing.”

  I wish you were, too.

  “I was sent to a juvenile detention center where I remained until I turned eighteen. Neither my brother nor I told the court everything the old man had done so…”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  Nate seemed surprised that she’d spoken. “A lot of reasons. I think, even with him dead, we couldn’t shake free of the lessons he’d drummed into us. What happens in the house stays in the house.” He lowered Bruce’s paw from his knee then hugged the dog. “I was ashamed. Why hadn’t I asked for help? That’s what the judge asked. If things were so bad I believed the only way out was by killing him, why hadn’t I said anything?”

  “You were only fifteen.”

  “Yeah, well.”

  He blamed himself for letting the nightmare go on so long. Hopefully they’d be able to talk about that.

  “So—you were eventually let loose?”

  “Yeah. According to the system, the moment I turned eighteen I’d paid for my crime. One day I was locked in a cell. The next I was allowed to walk out.”

  Under her tentative questions, Nate explained he’d gotten his high school diploma while behind bars. He’d become interested in plumbing after watching a plumber deal with frozen pipes at the center. He apprenticed under the man and eventually earned his license.

  “Thank goodness Sancho was there and willing when you needed a place to stay,” she said.