Backstory

by Avani Gregg

  What have you always wanted to do? Learn sign language (hello!), deep-sea dive, or star in a TV show? Lay the groundwork for your dreams and you will def find your outlet. Enroll in a class, get schooled on YouTube, and read up. Set the wheels in motion and you’ll be on your way.

  What puts you at peace? Makeup makes me chill out. If I’m at my breaking point, I can pick up a brush, start doing my face, and the stress just melts away. An outlet is therapy; it literally lets out all your anxiety, worry, and wound-up feelings. Think about what brings you relief when you’re revved up. There’s a form of creative expression in there somewhere, I promise.

  What gets you fired up? The thing that makes your heart beat a little faster. The thing that gets you excited and gives you butterflies. That’s a great place to start looking. My friend Riley gets a natural high from styling hair, I kid you not. Don’t question it, just go with it, any “it” that amps you up.

  On Avani

  My mom, Anisha Gregg, says:

  Avani has been through so much—more than most eighteen-year-olds. People think her life has always been perfect and easy, but that’s not true. She was so devastated when she had to quit gymnastics. Even to this day, we can’t talk about it, watch videos of her competing, or flip through pictures from her gymnastics meets without tearing up. It’s a wound that’s still healing. Selecting the photos for this book—all those photos of her in leotards on the floor and beam—brought back a lot of those memories. But even though it’s painful to remember, gymnastics is so much a part of who Avani is, it had to be part of her book as well.

  That’s Avani—very strong and very practical. She pushes through any pain or discomfort, knowing there’s something bigger and more important on the other side. She may try to hide it from me, but I’m really in tune with all of my kids’ emotions. I can read them when they’re sad or something’s bothering them. When Avani started getting hate comments on her social media, I noticed right away that it was affecting her, eating at her. I told her, “Just block and delete. Get off the app, get off your phone, distance yourself from the ugliness.” I was ready for her to just give it up altogether and go back home to Indiana if it was too much to take. I couldn’t see why she would want to place herself in the line of fire. Then she looked at me, fiercely determined, and I knew that would be the end of the argument. She was not going to let anything or anyone take away what she had worked so hard to build. It’s very easy to hate when you’re hiding behind a screen. But Avani was going to make her content, and if people didn’t like it, she would have to hear about it and not care. Luckily, Voni has never much cared what people think about her. She’s her own person and she has never once worried about fitting in. She would much rather stand out.

  Avani also has this huge heart, and her generosity truly knows no limits. She rarely spends a cent of the money she makes on herself. What she has, she wants to share. It’s never, “Oh, this is all mine.” She sees herself as working not just for her future, but for her family’s—she wants all of us to be safe and secure. We all feel a little spoiled. Avani doesn’t know how to say no to her siblings, especially Priya. They take advantage. “Voni, can I borrow this?” they ask. By “borrow” they mean can she give it to them, and of course she does, because she delights in making them happy.

  Avani has always been a hard worker and known the value of money. Between gymnastics and school, she never had time for a job during the year, so she worked as a lifeguard one summer. They paid her next to nothing, eight dollars minimum wage, and she was so proud of it. She’s always wanted to be self-sufficient and that hasn’t changed. I see the same little girl in her today. Avani may have blown up on social media, but she’s never lost touch with who she is and where she comes from. You can take the girl out of Indiana, but you can’t take Indiana out of the girl! She’s still quiet and reserved and I have to pry things out of her. My other two, they can just talk away. I could ask one question and they’ll talk for hours. Avani, I ask one question and it’s a yes-or-no answer. With her, I have to look into her eyes or pay attention to her body language to read her, because Avani is not going to tell me if something is bothering her.

  With all she’s got going on, Avani realized she needed an assistant to keep her schedule and organize her life. She wanted to hire a stranger, and I thought, Well, that doesn’t make any sense. I sat her down and asked, “What would you think about me quitting my job? It takes away eight hours of the day that I could be focusing on you and what you need. I could turn my full attention to helping you grow.” As I explained it to her, I could just see how happy she was. She looked so relieved and excited that I could tell it was the right decision for both of us. So I resigned from my job to focus on Avani and see where her career takes her. We make a great team, and neither of us would want it any other way. After all, who knows Avani better or loves her more than me?

  chapter five Haters

  I have this favorite quote that you might have seen on some of my merch: “If you don’t love me, I love you.” It’s basically my way of declaring to all my haters (and there are many) that even if they aren’t feelin’ me, I’m going to still love them, no matter what. I really stand by that. I don’t hate because what you give out is what you receive. So, when people are vicious on social media—when they post horrible, untrue things intended to hurt, embarrass, or cancel me—I do my best not to feed it. Haters gonna hate, that’s the oldest and truest fact in social media. At the very least, I know I’m not alone. All my Hype House OGs and close social media friends have been on the receiving end. However, I think I win the prize when it comes to hate gone wild. I’ll get there in a bit.

  First off, let me explain that there is a difference between hate and bullying. Bullies are a more intense form of haters. They’re the ones who keep coming back, the repeat offenders. They’re relentless, and they seem to draw a big bull’s-eye on your back that makes you the target of all of their internal drama, which is also something you should know: bullying is not about you; it’s about them. Bullies feel the need to knock you down because of their own insecurities and self-loathing. They were looking for a way to feel better about themselves, and then you came along. This can amount to picking on you mentally or physically, or even making snarky comments that cause you to doubt yourself. Bullying can come from a stranger, an acquaintance, or even someone close to you—a kid, an adult, or even a group. Bullying comes in all shapes and forms, but bullies have one thing in common: the pain they inflict on their victims. From what I gather from my parents’ childhood stories, our generation has elevated hate to a whole new level. We have taken it online, given it a worldwide audience of gazillions, and allowed it to hide behind an anonymous handle or a profile pic that looks nothing like you… unless you really do look like the clown from It? Not judging. Cyberbullying has many outlets. It can happen anywhere you interact socially online, like on social media, video games, texting, or group apps. It can be words but also images, like when someone purposely posts an embarrassing picture of you or shares info that was never intended for public view. It spreads lies, gossip, and general garbage about an individual just to cause hurt and harm. It’s aggressive and it can incite more and more people to contribute, creating a mob mentality: “Get her!”

  It’s sad. Online should be a happy place where people are free to celebrate themselves unapologetically, connect, and share, but it’s not. For example, I would post a YouTube video that was over ten minutes long and literally within seconds, there would be a couple of dislikes (thumbs-down). LOL, you haven’t even taken the time to watch it, but you have your notification set on my videos so you can dislike it as soon as I post. That’s just crazy and sad. Unfortunately, hate holds social media hostage, and it’s gotten to a point where we’ve come to expect it. Joining the online community allows total strangers to say obnoxious things about the way you look, the way you talk, how you dance, whatever. It’s totally understandable to me why someone would want to delete all their soci
als and fly under the radar. It’s not a warm and friendly place out there.

  I never used to be this cynical, but I got burned big-time. Now I know you have to be careful, you have to be aware, and you have to take it all with a grain of salt. Fan accounts and hate accounts coexist, and I guess you can’t have one without the other. There are many fake and hate “Avani” accounts out there. I’m over 2 billion likes at the moment, but I’ve learned that the more likes I get, the more reasons bullies have to reach across cyberspace and take aim at me. Comment all the clown emojis you like—I am Clown Girl, after all—but I will do what I want to do without your permission or approval. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you: I’m tougher than I look. You can’t be in the business I’m in without developing a thick skin. If I took everything that people said or wrote about me personally, I’d probably be hiding out on some desert island, all faith in humanity gone. I’d be talking to coconuts and palm trees.

  The source of the hate actually amuses me sometimes. Usually it’s people who are mad at themselves and looking for an easy target. Hey, I am not live, and that show was recorded, so I can’t answer you back. It doesn’t get easier than that. You want to pop off, be my guest. Just recently, some adults actually commented negative stuff about my show, Here For It with Avani Gregg. My mom was so mad: “How could a father say that and post it publicly? Is that what he’s teaching his own kids?” Honestly, I found the whole situation funny. A grown man is sitting there watching my teen content and hating on it. Do you not have something better to do with your time? Are you really that bored?

  Most people feel bullied at some point; it seems to be a universal human experience these days. Personally, I feel like it’s a song on constant repeat in my life. It’s been going on since middle school, and I wish I could say it’s gotten better, but it hasn’t. If anything, it’s gotten more intense because of my following. The thing that has improved, though, is how I look at it and how I tune out the toxic. At least I try to. Shanti will tell me, “Voni, don’t take the bait.” Sometimes I can’t help myself, but I have made the conscious decision to be the better person, to look the other way, to ignore all the attempts to take me down. I envision this shield surrounding me, just repelling all that negative energy, and I practice letting the bullying bounce right off. That’s right: can’t touch this.

  On my show, my friend Charli D’Amelio told me her crazy bullying story. Her first bullies were actually moms of kids she was in dance class with! Those grown-up (I use the term loosely) women told their kids to drop Charli as a friend because she liked to do hip-hop and their kids were all in ballet. I shook my head. Come on! They were anti-hip-hop? Aren’t adults supposed to know better? Aren’t they supposed to show kids how to be kind, inclusive human beings? Aren’t they supposed to be teaching children to respect each other’s differences? Guess not, or at least not with this crew.

  That was a shocker, but I can top it.

  I have gotten death threat DMs from total strangers. Not once, not twice, but countless times. Anthony, too. It started when someone messaged me, “I wish that you did not exist. I wish that you would just die.” As if that wasn’t enough, they sent detailed descriptions of how I should die, like by choking to death, getting hit by a car, or stabbed in the chest. It was a pretty long list. I had to take a deep breath before I responded, which in retrospect, I shouldn’t have done, but I was so furious! I typed back, “I don’t know who taught you this or how bad your life is going right now, but I don’t need to hear it.”

  Anthony and I have both gotten so many of these that it doesn’t even faze us anymore, and that’s sad. Bullying should never be normalized, which is why I have to occasionally clap back. When I do, it’s like a snowball effect and everyone jumps on the comment train. I get tons of people defending me, but probably the same amount (maybe more) say, “Chill! It’s just a comment. It’s not like they’re going to do something.” Well, it is doing something. I’m living a public life, and you can’t just threaten it. Even if you don’t like my hair, my nails, or the sneakers I’m sporting (yes, I’ve gotten hate on my footwear. I know, right?), that doesn’t give you permission to publicly pick on me. You know when your mom told you, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything?” Someone should pin that to all social media feeds as a reminder.

  I also get hate when I choose to not say something on a subject. “Well, you have a huge platform, so you need to talk about the Muslim concentration camps that are happening right now!” I would love to, if I knew more about them, which I don’t. There are so many issues and so many important causes to support, and I need to educate myself so I know about them. But even when I do, I may not be the best person to bring them to light. There are others who are wiser and more eloquent, and I defer to them. I am not an activist, but people think I should be because I have the numbers. They tell me what I should say and when I should say it, and that does not float with me. Push me and I push back. There is a nice way to share information or start a conversation without calling me names or accusing me of being anti this or that. There were times last year I found myself wanting to just give it up, all of it, because it was becoming too hard to please everyone. No matter what I did or said, I was met with meanness. When you keep coming up against that wall, you’re bound to think, Why bother?

  My friends and family rallied around me and reminded me that I couldn’t quit because that would be letting the bullies win—and that’s not going to happen. I have worked so hard to get where I am. It’s my job to be a public figure on social media, but what I go through on the daily is pretty rare. People with normal jobs don’t receive the amount of hate that I do. They don’t have to deal with being attacked all the time. My life isn’t my own because I live in the social media fishbowl, and that makes me question if this is really what I want to do for the long run. Does all the good (like my bebes loving and inspiring me) outweigh the bad (like the haters that come for me about everything)? I love what I do, but sometimes I really don’t like it. Does that make sense? Maybe this will explain why.

  In April 2020, my social media accounts were hacked. I didn’t even know until one of my friends told me that someone was showing an inappropriate video on my TikTok account. Basically, the hacker had called my phone carrier and asked general questions about my bill. Once they got the representative to believe they were talking to me, they said that I had gotten a new phone and needed to switch the SIM card. Then they had free access to all my information. I mean everything from my socials to my parents’ phone numbers. Usually when you get hacked, they spam photos and post stuff like, “Follow this page for a follow back.” This started out like that, but then it got a lot more serious. The hackers posted terrorist videos on my Instagram and then TikTok, and they were sending links on how to sign up to be part of a terrorist group. Then they went live and showed very bad stuff, like videos of people being executed with machine guns. It was horrible, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I had no control. When I finally got my accounts and phone number back, I had to apologize to millions of followers because they saw some pretty disturbing stuff on my accounts: “I’m back & I’m so sorry. I got 17mil [followers] and 1 billion likes on TikTok and I can’t even enjoy that [right now].”

  But it didn’t even end there. My manager got a lot of emails from moms calling me out and asking how dare I post those videos on social media. Like, come on… really? In order to stop the hackers from going live, TikTok had to delete all the videos and drafted videos from my page. I felt so violated, and I really didn’t know how to get back on social media without having this dark cloud hanging over it. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but I couldn’t help feeling responsible for my fans being subjected to this nightmare. It was a while before I was able to post and not be afraid someone else would hack me again. In that way, the hackers terrorized me. They made me fearful to simply go about my business and do what I love. The only person who actually texted and checked in on
me was Charli. “Weren’t you scared they were going to hack your phone if you texted me?” I asked her. Everyone else was, even Anthony.

  “Nope, I just needed to know you were okay,” Charli told me. “I didn’t care about anything else.” She’s one of the few who truly gets it because she’s been there. When you’re swept up in the hate, you feel like you’re drowning. I needed someone to throw me a life preserver, and she did. Baes forever.

  My mom was also amazingly cool about it. “If you’re hurting, we’re all hurting,” she told me. “If they attack you, they attack all of us because we have each other’s backs.” But she was scared, really scared. It was such an invasion of privacy. The hacker was texting her and my dad personal messages that were terrifying, threatening to hurt us all. This went on for two weeks, and we were all so on edge. The doorbell would ring, and it would be the delivery guy, but we’d jump, thinking it was some kidnapper or homicidal maniac. It was that bad. I may be on social media, but I never wanted my family exposed. Despite what my mom says, I think it’s unfair to them. I caused them so much stress with this situation, and I felt helpless. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t fix it. My mom filed a police report, but since the hackers used a burner phone, they couldn’t do any further investigation. She also called our phone carrier and asked them to put us on the highest level of security available. Lesson learned. Then in January 2021, my manager was contacted by an investigator from Canada. They had caught two guys in their early twenties who had hacked a social media influencer in Canada. When they collected the hackers’ laptops and equipment, they found videos and personal information of mine on it. They did the same exact thing to the Canadian influencer as they did to me, so the investigator strongly believed that they were connected to my hacking as well. My mom got in touch with him and shared all the information she had with him in hopes of putting the hackers in jail for a long time.