Backstory
Page 7
It was a horrible incident that could have torn my family apart. Instead, I think it actually brought us closer together. We all follow each other on social media and share everything. But when this happened, I think it made a lot of people in our friend circle and our larger family circle start to question what I do. They worry about my safety and how this life I’ve chosen will impact not just me but my parents and sisters as well. I think they’ve grown to accept it, and even embrace it, but it’s been a big learning curve for us all.
When I first started getting hate, my mom freaked out: “Oh my gosh, Avani. You need to get off social media, you need to block those comments!” That was just stuff like, “U ugly” or “Hate that fit.” “Mom,” I pleaded with her, “do you know how many of these I get? If I blocked everybody who hated on me, that’s all I would be doing.” She still gets upset when I get hate comments and tries not to read them altogether.
I stopped reading comments for a while because I could get a million positive ones and still focus on the negative one. Some trolls tried to DM my sisters, too, and that is something I will just not take. You can come at me all you want because I chose this career for myself. But my sisters didn’t ask for it, so BACK OFF. Shanti usually has to calm me down because none of this bugs her like it bugs me. She will let it roll, while I’m in full-on warrior mode.
Some people view my profession as an open invitation to say stuff about me. I chose to be a public person, but I never asked for people to hate on me. Bullies feel very bold behind their phones and computer screens. If they didn’t have screens to hide behind, would they be that aggressive? Would they have the guts to say it to my face? Somehow, I don’t think so. That’s why cyberbullying is such an epidemic—it’s bullying for cowards. They can shoot their bullets and we can’t see where they’re coming from.
Social media is a pretty intense line of work to be in. There are days when I want to crawl under the covers and not come out for like a week. Would that really be so wrong? In the beginning, I let it get to me a lot more than I do now. I took the comments to heart and questioned if I really was as ugly, stupid, useless, and untalented as they said. I literally had someone spam my comments like 100 times with “I hate you.” I have no idea why. I never met them and I’m pretty sure that the cute little mirror selfie I posted wearing the teddy bear hoodie did nothing to provoke it. Now, I see it for what it is: jealousy, boredom, or a desperate cry for attention. They see how many people my platforms reach and they’re like, “Yeah, I want a piece of that!” They think that by calling me out, humiliating me, or denouncing what I do, they will gain followers. Fat chance. My bebes will stand by me and shut them down.
Likewise, I will always defend someone who can’t defend themselves. That’s something my mom taught me. I will stand up for anyone. Even if I don’t know them, I will jump in and set that bully straight. I’ve done it for people at my old school, I’ve done it for some some elderly women at the airport, and I’ve done it for friends. One time, these guys were bullying my friend’s brother on the school bus every day. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I stood up and told them to “Shut the F up!” and leave him alone or else.
I can’t stand when people treat others with disrespect. No one is better than anyone else. We all walk this earth. We’re all human beings. You may not agree with someone’s opinions, but they are entitled to them, so don’t try to “cancel” them for being different. I don’t want to think of anyone being hurt the way I have. I don’t want anyone to go through it. It makes my blood boil. What I’d like to tell the haters is this: Please don’t dump your baggage on me. Breaking someone down and getting a reaction is not a cure for your issues. Don’t go there, because if you do… you’re just wasting your time.
Run It Back: When Bullies Strike
On my Facebook show, Charli and I chatted with a therapist named Kati Morton, who took us through the steps of what to do when you’re being bullied. I think our conversation puts things into perspective and explains what you can do to defuse the hate and protect yourself. Give it a watch, and if you need more help, check out these websites as well:
https://www.stompoutbullying.org
https://nobully.org
https://www.thetrevorproject.org
https://www.nami.org
Kati Morton, LMFT, Marriage & Family Therapist at https://www.katimorton.com
Safety check: Are these just words, or are they active threats that you need to take more seriously? Snarky remarks are annoying and kind of pathetic, but threats should never be ignored. Either is cause for telling someone what’s going on, whether it’s a parent, a teacher, a coach, or the authorities. It’s not “tattling” if someone is making you feel unsafe or upset. Bullies rely on you to be too intimidated to talk. They count on your silence; that’s the power they have over you. Never hesitate to speak up. Simply telling someone shifts the control out of the bully’s hands and into yours.
Make real connections with real friends because bullying can make you think you’re all alone and nobody actually cares about you. That’s not true. Surround yourself with a support team because they will remind you of what’s really important. Hint: it’s not the haters!
Build up your confidence (see chapter 10 for how to “do you” fearlessly!). It’s hard for someone to destroy your self-esteem if it’s rock solid. Negative words can only hurt you if you choose to believe them. Sticks and stones, bruh.
Resist the urge to clap back. This is a big one for me, and it’s something I’m still working on. If you give hate energy, it will only grow. Ignore it, block it, delete it. Whatever you do, don’t respond. Your reaction is fuel for the fire. A bully wants to work you up and needs to feel like they own you. If that fails, they move on to another target.
Tune out. If you’re being cyberbullied, get off your phone or your laptop and limit all social media interaction for a few hours or even days. Remove yourself from the hate and don’t check the comments (no matter how much you want to). Let things die down while you pull yourself away from the negativity. You don’t have to hear it. I remember when I first started getting bullied, I handed my phone to my mom and said, “You hold this for safekeeping so I can’t look at it.” That didn’t last very long because I cannot exist without my phone, but at least it proved that I had the power to walk away.
Take the higher road. Don’t bully back and don’t give in to your anger or peer pressure to post something negative in reply. If someone slams you, the best response is to say nothing, I promise. You may be tempted to counterattack with hate, but that won’t make things any better. At some point, we all have to realize how hate destroys everything good in this world. But not to worry, love wins, it always wins, it will always win. You can quote me on that.
On Avani
My little sister, Priya Gregg, says:
How would I describe my sister? Well, for one, her personality is very vivid. She has always been outgoing, whether playing in the backyard or simply interacting with her friends. People say we look alike. Personally, I don’t see it. She looks like a beautiful human with a bright glow constantly radiating off her skin. I kinda look like a human who’s spent time in a wolf den and just awoke from hibernation. I love her personality—the way she acts and how she doesn’t mind what anyone thinks. She’s one of the strongest people I know. Getting hate on the internet is something many people go through, but few know the effect it has on a person. Avani’s been through it multiple times, but she stays the kind, funny person she is. That’s just dope to me.
We have so many silly memories together. I remember she collected these squishy little beads called Orbeez. They grow like ten times larger when you put them in water. We had a huge bucket of them and one time, when she went to pick it up, they spilled everywhere in her bedroom. It was a huge mess. We spent hours picking them up while we were laughing because we kept slipping on the hard floor. In the end, our mom came in and threw them all out. Oh, well…
I spend a
lot of time on video games, and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. It’s my joy, my entertainment, my escape from life. One time I got hacked, though, and I lost everything. I nearly quit the game and my guild because it was hundreds of hours down the drain. When I told Avani, she offered to help me. She bought me my dream item as a gift in the game that I can use all the time to advance, and I started up again. I don’t know if Avani knows this, but her little act of kindness gave me a whole new role in that video game, and I will always be grateful that she didn’t think it was just an unimportant game. She knew it mattered to me.
I’m really proud of Avani, as proud as any little sister can be. I love my sister and I love how far she’s come. She proves that you can be a big success, get a lot of popularity and attention, and still stay the same kind, good person you always were.
chapter six Body-ody-ody
It’s one of those days. I look in the mirror and the inner dialogue starts: Gurl, no amount of makeup is going to cover up the bags under those eyes. Hold up, those pants do not make my waist look snatched. Why am I built like this? Nothing looks good on me. Wait, is that a ZIT on my forehead?
That, bebs, is what goes on in a brain that’s stuck in the dreaded body-shame spiral. Sound familiar? Come on, fess up, you know it does. Where does it come from? Personally, that’s an easy question to answer. Try having millions and millions of eyes on you, and maybe a third of those people have something to say about how you look. There’s lots of “QT” and “SLAYYY” and “Heather” comments that make me smile. But then there are the others, the ones that nitpick every hair out of place. Seriously, I wonder if they’re sitting there looking at my post under a microscope, ’cause that’s what it feels like. You just gotta point out one tiny little flaw (“It’s the greasy hair for me!”) and I’m triggered. It plays with my head, and soon I don’t even need the body shamers to diss me—I can do it all by myself. I thought these shorts were fire, but you tell me they make my legs look weird, and all of a sudden I start believing it.
You don’t have to be in the social media spotlight to have body insecurities. Most people struggle with them, even those sexy models who strut down the runway in underwear and angel wings. I think if I looked like that, I’d feel pretty darn good about myself, but then again, maybe not. I mean, even the most beautiful person on the planet dislikes something about their face or bod. I promise you, not even a supermodel feels confident 24/7; it’s our nature, but the world we live in also creates unreasonable, unrealistic body goals. Distorted body images start on the inside: your mind develops this ideal of what is “attractive” and decides it’s not you. It’s anyone but you because you’re so self-critical and convinced you can’t measure up.
That warped vision can be triggered by almost anything. Maybe you look at magazines that have been heavily Photoshopped and compare yourself to those gorgeously glam models and celebs. Maybe you see people posting on TikTok and their skin is filtered glowingly smooth. Maybe you see this influencer on IG who is super fit with abs of steel, but you don’t know if they edited in those abs by using an app or not. Then on the other side you have people who are completely open about their editing because they are doing it for themselves and not others. I got news for you: perfect human beings do not exist. That’s what makes us human. Perfect is for those mannequins in the store windows—brainless and built of plastic.
When I was training as a gymnast, I felt like I was in good shape. I was getting in tons of cardio, stretching, and strength training, and I was eating right. I felt like my body was lean and mean. When I gave it up, things started to go soft. I wasn’t good with it. That’s when I began to hear a little voice of insecurity whispering in my ear whenever I posted a photo or video, or even when I caught my reflection in the car mirror. I was haunted by it. I would like to say that as I get older, it’s getting a little easier to love myself and stop focusing on my flaws. There are days when I just don’t feel like I look my best and will not film, but they’re fewer and further between. Outfits definitely help. If I’m wearing something dope, it gives me a boost of confidence and swagger.
People on the internet love to call me out about my body shape, but I have to say, I’m liking it at the moment. I’m cool with not being anything but myself, thank you very much. What I don’t like is my overbite. I still haven’t made peace with the way my teeth look when I smile big. When I complain, people tell me I’m crazy, but I feel like it’s so noticeable. I’m also really sensitive about my hip dips, those little curves below your hips and above your thighs, but they are easily erased with a little fashion magic. I’m able to style myself in a way that complements my body, which makes me insanely happy.
Our reasons for hating our bodies run deep, and I believe they need to be open for discussion, not dismissed. There are a million messages floating around in the universe that are just plain lies, and we absorb them day after day. “Your body isn’t good enough.” “If you don’t look like X, you’re ugly.” How many times do we have to hear them and see them before we realize they’re just preying on our insecurities?
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of being the victim. You can reject all that toxic talk, switch the narrative, and create a safe place for everyone where we see each other in a positive light rather than a negative one. It’s not just about you, it’s about future generations. Back in the day, everyone wanted to have an hourglass bod like Marilyn Monroe; she was a huge sex symbol and not a size 0. Then something shifted. This generation has pushed back. Have you seen Barbie dolls lately? They look more like real people, and that’s progress. But change starts with us—the thoughts we think and the words we say, both to ourselves and out loud.
Positive Posting
Every time I glance at my feed and see one of the comments below, I smile. I hold my head up. I feel good about myself, and I carry that feeling around with me the rest of the day. Why not hit that heart icon and add one of these followed by a slew of starstruck emojis? What you put out there, you get back.
Queen! (Correct information has been detected)
Heather wishes she were you
Slay
Okayyyyy
I see you
Ur beautiful
Perf
Will the queen say hi?
So pretty ngl
It’s the confidence for me
No hate, but next time please be careful. I have asthma, and you just took my breath away with your beauty!
Icon
You’re my idol
Prettiest person on the app
Every time I look at you I smile
The award for the prettiest person on the earth goes to…
I’ve figured out a formula for when I need a body confidence boost: I’ll dress up fancy, do my makeup, and make myself look as stylin’ as possible. Outfits that I put a lot of effort into instantly make me see myself in a different light, like a walking piece of art. I also feel empowered when I have my crazy long nails with designs on them. It’s the tiny little details that spice up your look but also lift your mood and mindset. Anytime I’m really hating on myself, I turn my home into a spa and declare an Avani TLC day. I know what I need, and sometimes it’s just a little pampering and primping so I feel pretty.
Love Yourself
Home spa check! Once in a while you need to love on yourself and take care of you.
Here is what I like to do at home to help me relax. Each time is something different, but you get the point:
I like to massage coconut oil on my scalp and work it through the ends of my hair. Then I tie it up until I take a bath and wash it out with shampoo.
I apply Ordinary AHA 30% + BHA 2% Peeling Solution on my face.
I love a lip mask. Gotta have a soft, smooth pucker!
While the peeling solution and lip mask are working their magic, I clean up my eyebrows and run a hot bath.
Once the time is up, I wash off the peeling solution and take off the lip mask.
Then I soak in
my hot bath.
Once I’m done soaking, I use an exfoliating scrub and shave my legs.
After my bath, I use a Hydrogel Exfoliating sheet mask from Zitsticka.
While I’m waiting on the mask, I put on a moisturizer and brush out my hair. Sometimes I like to put braids in it.
Finally, I put on some comfy clothes and curl up in my bed and watch TV. Ultimate at-home spa complete!
* * *
There’s been a lot of talk recently about what body positivity means. There’s no clear-cut definition, so let me try to explain mine. From where I sit, body positivity is celebrating your body and others’ bodies, no matter their color, shape, or size. It’s a social movement that strives to affirm that we are all beautiful in our own way, and we don’t need to change or alter ourselves to fit into some mold. People are even singing about it. In “All About That Bass,” Meghan Trainor sings, “My momma, she told me, ‘Don’t worry about your size…’ ” Preach. Lizzo’s “Juice” spells it out loud and clear: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, don’t say it, ’cause I know I’m cute.” Society should never dictate what we should look like or make us feel bad about ourselves. That’s a power play and it won’t work. We know better, right? You and you alone should set the rules and define what is desirable, hawt, cool, or cute. My definition could be way different from yours, and that’s okay. After all, not everyone likes to rock mom jeans. But I’m positively me, and I own it.
The flip side of body positivity is body negativity, and it can take its toll on your mental health. Body negativity is hating how you look to such a degree that it hijacks your entire self-esteem. Body negativity creates an obsession that’s hard to crack, and it can be triggered by family, peers, or the world in general. These delusions become cemented in your brain and blow things totally out of proportion. You may actually feel bigger than you are or imagine flaws that aren’t evident to anyone but you. They can make you super self-conscious. Trust me, I feel this way when I post bikini pics. In the moment I feel cute, but the photos have to be exactly the right light, the right angle, and the perfect pose. I practically twist myself into a pretzel to look “natural.” I know it’s ridiculous and I look perfectly fine, but I am constantly considering how that pic is going to be scrutinized, shared, and commented on. So yeah, that’s a lotta pressure right there. I shouldn’t care; I should be comfortable and confident enough to just put something on my socials because I like it. Someone else’s thumbs-up or thumbs-down shouldn’t be part of the equation. But sadly, it is.