Backstory

by Avani Gregg

  If you’re anything like me, you’ve got some work to do because the body negativity is not going to go away on its own. But I think we can do something about this… together. Let’s make a pact, okay? Let’s promise to love and respect the skin we’re in—love handles, cellulite, overbite, zits, and all. Let’s put an end to the opinion shopping and approval seeking, because if you love what you’re wearing and putting out in public, that should be enough. Let’s treat our bodies well—maybe cut out some of the greasy junk food, get some more sleep, go for a walk or run, and just move in general. Let’s try to knock off the negative talk, about our own bodies and others’. Can we appreciate each other not just for how we look, but for how strong, caring, and intelligent we are?

  When I was back in my gymnastics days, this was so much easier to pull off. Whenever I mastered a new skill that took so much strength and ability, I could pat myself on the back. It was physical evidence of how awesome my body was. Now, when I’m lazing around thanks to the pandemic, I don’t feel that way anymore. This “loungewear” phase doesn’t help, either. I’ve been in these sweats and oversize tees for too long, and wearing a messy bun or baseball cap 24/7 messes with your head (literally). Sometimes I may be in the same clothes for several days, and the whole wrinkled/stained/needs-a-shower look is not a good one for me. Guys can pull it off, but I don’t grunge well. That’s the key right there: what makes Anthony feel good about himself might not do the same for me. So you have to figure out how to get comfortable in your body and what clothes, hairstyles, makeup, or none of the above allow you to feel that way. I give you permission to do some shopping or thrifting, borrow from your big sister’s closet, polish your nails, and dye your hair any shade you like. Okay, if you’re young, check with your parents first on that last one—my mom would have freaked if I was a few years younger and dyed my hair purple. Whatever makes you look in that mirror and shout, “Damn, I look good!” is a step in the right direction. So experiment with makeup, play with accessories, and don’t let anything hold you back.

  I’m working on stepping up my body positivity game and I believe we can all be on that journey—for our own mental health and so we can empower others to do the same. First off, surround yourself with people who build you up and tell you how beautiful you are, inside and out (helloooo @luvanthony). It also helps to talk about your feelings with other girls and guys—you’ll be surprised to learn how common body negativity is. When my friend Larray and I sat down on my show, we compared notes: “Same, same, same.” Just hearing from someone who I look up to as a powerhouse of positivity made me feel validated. Even he hates things about his face and body and struggles with body negativity on the daily. It helped to tell each other we looked cute and laugh about how silly our self-doubts were. When I walked away from that chat session, I felt so empowered. No more bad vibes.

  So let me throw some love at you: you’re beautiful. I am not just saying that to be nice; I believe it and I want you to believe it, too. Love your body because it’s the only one you have. Don’t beat up on it. Stop shaming and punishing yourself for being imperfect. Imperfections rock. Why would you want to be a cookie-cutter version of everyone else? I stan a person who wears their differences like a medal of honor. Someone once told me, “You can’t hate yourself happy.” Truth right there. If you want others to love you, you have to love yourself and project the image of how you want to be seen. If you think you’re bootylicious, you’re creating energy for people to see you the same way. Body confidence is contagious.

  That said, I have had total strangers come up to me and say, “Wow, I can’t believe how confident you are.” Their comments are usually in response to how I look, what I’m wearing, or my crazy platform shoes. Sometimes, it’s said with an edge, like being confident is a bad thing. Is “confident” code for “full of yourself”? If so, I’m not having it. As far as I’m concerned, confidence is key. You want to be anything? You want to go anywhere? You want people to take you seriously and not use you as a doormat? You have to buy into your own awesomeness. And you can’t just say it; you have to embody it. I know it’s hard to project body positivity all the time. My own has gone up and down like a yo-yo for years. But if you commit to it and catch yourself every time you start slamming the way you look, confidence will become a habit and you’ll always have it in your back pocket so no one—including yourself—will ever be able to dull your sparkle. The best TikTok dancers have swag. As for those shamers, I wish I could sit them down and spell it out: when you judge someone by how they look, it doesn’t define them, it defines you.

  Run It Back: Say It with Me

  These affirmations will get you on the road to loving yourself, ’cause I love you! Look in the mirror and tell yourself:

  “Dang, I look dope.”

  “I am protected, well respected, I’m a queen, I’m a dream!” (Thank you, Yung Baby Tate.)

  “I will not compare myself to strangers on the internet. Period.”

  “I came, I saw, I slayed.”

  “I am fierce.”

  “I don’t want to look like anyone but myself.”

  “I am who I want to be.”

  “I am beautiful, no matter what they say.” (Yes, Christina A.)

  “I am unstoppable.”

  “Lookin’ hot, smellin’ good…” (Slay, Bey!)

  On Avani

  My friend Madi Monroe says:

  Avani and I met at VidCon 2019. At the time, we had been following each other but we didn’t really know anything about one another. We hung out at VidCon and I asked her to come stay with me in LA! Eventually she signed with my mom, who became her manager, and then stayed in our guesthouse in LA. Ever since then, we have been best friends. We share a lot of the same interests, but at the same time, our personalities are total opposites. I am very outgoing and say whatever is on my mind, while Avani is more introverted and thinks through every situation. I think this is what makes us a perfect pair.

  Traveling is always so fun together. Going to Hawaii and the Bahamas was definitely the highlight of 2019 before the pandemic. We had the most amazing time and made so many crazy memories! It’s been really hard not seeing her face every day. Not being able to hang out with your best friend is the worst, but FaceTime, texting, and social media keep us in touch.

  Avani is definitely one of the most selfless and caring people I know. She always puts others before herself, even in extremely tough situations. She also puts so much time and effort into all her work. I think Avani is 100 percent the most creative person I know. She’s hardworking and passionate, not to mention hilarious!

  chapter seven Besties

  In sixth and seventh grade, I was part of a clique. I’m not proud of it, but it’s a fact. I thought this group of girls was fun and cool, and definitely popular, so I looked the other way when they picked on some poor, unsuspecting girl’s hair, voice, clothes, body… you get the picture. They were pretty toxic. While I was hanging with them, I had mixed feelings. Yes, I loved being part of the clique, but it also made me squirm when they did things I knew were wrong. I wanted them to like and accept me, but I was afraid that if I spoke up and told them to cut it out, they’d cancel me. Well, I was right about that last part. As for the rest, I should have known better because you’re only as good as the people you hang out with. It was the little things they did that showed me their true colors, like not inviting me when they were going somewhere or taking cheap jabs at me. They would say something backhandedly nasty and I would ask them to please stop: “Well, that one actually hurt, and I told you before not to say that.” That incentivized them to keep it up.

  These girls weren’t friends, they were frenemies, and I later found out they were laughing at and mocking me behind my back. Seven years later, I swear I’m still angry with myself for wanting to be part of the group. I was so concerned they would ditch me that I didn’t listen to my gut, which told me I was better than this. Eventually, my friend Lydia and I finally saw the clique for w
hat it was and decided we wanted no part of a pack that was flaming kids for fun. When I finally “unfriended” them, I became a middle school outcast, but it helped me figure out who I could really trust, and who was worthy of my loyalty and friendship. News flash: not the mean girls. Not even close.

  After that, navigating social circles was like crossing a minefield. Gymnastics practice and meets meant I was MIA from all the “normal” social activities of middle and high school. Any friends I had were on my gymnastics team. None of them attended my school, which meant school became a lonely place. Most of my peers pretty much wrote me off and thought I was weird, and anyone I had been friends with before saw how busy I was with training and just stopped asking me to hang. Say “Sorry, I can’t” enough times and that will happen.

  Lydia was the only one who stuck by me. After our stint in that clique, we were always together in school and after, on the outside looking in, until we couldn’t take it anymore. We decided to do online high school for sophomore through senior year. I said it was because I needed to focus on my gymnastics training, but TBH, the isolation was also a factor. It got to a point where I had to leave high school, even though I tried my hardest to reason, “Why should any of this matter to you? You don’t matter to them.”

  That feeling of being betrayed by my so-called besties really stuck with me. It colored the way I saw potential relationships going forward. Once you’ve been burned, how do you know someone won’t suddenly turn on you, ditch you, or dump you? How do you let people in your life if you’re afraid of being lied to all over again? I admit it gave me some serious trust issues. As a result, I don’t let people in easily. I hold back and put up walls. You wanna be my someone, my BFF, my beb? You want me to trust you enough to tell you my deepest secrets? You gotta work for it. Until then, I will fiercely protect my heart from getting torpedoed. It’s taken a lot of fire in the past, and I’m not all that eager to risk it again. You have to convince me you’re worth it because, sadly, not a lot of people are. And I have certainly not shown the best judgment in weeding out the good ones from the bad.

  It’s not always toxic talk or actions that cause besties to break up. I’ve seen how friends simply grow apart. Sometimes it’s sudden, and other times it’s a slow and painful death. I’ve had people come in and out of my life. At first, it makes me incredibly sad when they leave because we’ve laughed and shared so much of our lives together. Then POOF, they’re history. It feels like someone has died. I never existed, we never existed. It’s a really hard lesson to learn, but friends don’t always stay friends, even if the times you spent together were the best. People drift apart for so many reasons: time, distance, disagreements, or distrust. Sometimes your interests change and you just have nothing in common anymore. Lydia left school for seventh and eighth grade and we drifted apart for a while. Then she came back in ninth grade and we saw each other in gym class. We started talking, instantly became best friends again, and from then on, we’ve been ride or die.

  I accept that friendships can go through growing pains, and you can take a pause if you need to. Real friends will find their way back to each other. But when it’s just not working, when you’re compromising yourself to keep the friendship going, when it’s causing you stress and sleepless nights, it’s probably time to cut ties. Try not to agonize. I have spent so much time and energy searching for reasons to stay friends with people and trying to convince myself it was salvageable when I knew it was already over. One of the reasons you may be clinging to a friendship is that you’re afraid of being lonely. I get that because I’ve also considered that a compelling reason to keep holding on. But I’ve given it some serious thought, and I think I’d rather be stranded on a desert island than be tethered to a fake friend. You won’t be lonely for long, I promise. And in the meantime, you got me!

  The good news is that experience has made me an expert at spotting the warning signs when a relationship is about to implode. I have had people say they’re my friends, only to turn around and use me to gain clout. I’ve been ghosted by guys who said they were into me. I’ve had friends who cancel, stick me with a check, start bossing me around, or try to one-up me. Friendships should never be hard work, and (red flag!) they should never hurt.

  I’ve chased people to try and keep them in my life. That’s me—I don’t like conflict, and I always want to make people happy. But after a while, you need to ask yourself if you’re happy. What are you getting out of this? Is the relationship a one-way street? Are you doing all the heavy lifting?

  I love when people try and use me, too, pretending we’re tight when it’s been years and all they want is something I can give them. Case in point: I’ve had so many people text me and Snapchat me on my old account that I don’t use anymore: “Hey, miss you so much.” I’ll answer because I’ve seen people do trends on me where they post screenshots of me “being rude” by not answering them. Doomed if I do, doomed if I don’t. I’ll reply politely but fakely, “Hey! How are you? Oh my gosh, it’s been so long” and they message back, “Yeah, I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

  This conversation could go for thirty minutes before they get to the real reason they’re reaching out: “Does David Dobrik send you merch? If you ever have any merch that you don’t want, just send it over and I’d be so happy to have it.” Or they’ll ask, “You have Addison’s phone number? Charli’s? Can I have it? Do you have this actor’s Snap? I saw you post with him. Please, please tell him I looooove him!” I just sit there for a few minutes, shaking my head in disbelief. Bruh, you do realize you were the one who started all those rumors about me in middle school. You tried to ruin my life, just sayin’. Instead, I take a deep breath: “Sorry, can’t really do that. But have a nice day!”

  Here’s another example: There is this set of people who don’t stop talking about me on social media because when they use my name on a TikTok, they usually gain followers. So they claim we’re BFFs, always have been, always will be. Stuff like, “Storytime: I went to school with Avani and she was my best friend!” It’s delusional. We’re besties, huh? LMAO.

  Real friends don’t expect anything from you. You have to weed out these users and abusers. All I can say is friends are the best… until they’re the worst. When a toxic friendship happens, letting go will set you free. Who needs that in their life? Still, ending a friendship doesn’t necessarily require a big, dramatic confrontation or even a formal letter of dismissal. Save your breath and just slowly let it slip away while you stop texting, calling, or making plans—kind of like a gradual ghosting. Maybe that’s the wimpy way to go about it, but like I said, I hate conflict. So I just phase them out. It might feel weird at first, but if they’re not really noticing (or caring) that you’re out of the picture, it should tell you something: you’re better off without them. I’ve also been on the receiving end of this when a close friend stopped answering my texts. Okay, I can take a hint. Thank you, next.

  Which brings me to a happier subject: good friends, great friends, and friends who mean the world to me because they make me feel loved, whole, and insanely happy. That circle gets smaller and smaller as I get older, just like the collection of vintage clothes in my closet. I’m editing down my friend list. Now I’m more interested in quality over quantity, and my idea of what makes a bestie has evolved, too. It used to be just someone who would invite me to sleepovers or share their Sour Patch Kids. Now it’s someone I can call at three a.m., who is my emotional support animal (LOL), and who would bail me out of jail without asking why I was arrested. I need thoughtful, patient, reliable, real friends who are ready to go to bat for me. Of course, it’s a two-way street. I’ve been there for my peeps as well. Case in point: Lydia was going through a hard time with personal issues a while back, so I decided to fly her out to LA for a couple days. We didn’t even go anywhere. We just sat in my room watching TV and talked that whole time.

  Lately I’ve been feeling lonely, so my friend Riley and I constantly talk and text to pass the time
. We tell each other, “Okay, it’s just another day. We’re just waiting until we can see each other again.” She was planning on coming down here with her family for a bit to stay at Newport. I told her, “I will drive the two hours to see you just to spend a few hours. I need my Riley fix!” Good friends have that “cure-all” magic that heals your heart. They also help you put things into perspective. Riley and Lydia will tell it to me straight without making me feel bad. They don’t judge me, and they accept me for who I am even if they have different styles, opinions, and stuff going on. They know how to have fun and they love to laugh with me, not at me. They want the best for me, they are protective of me, and they are committed to standing by my side. Even when the going gets tough, they don’t get going.

  To my friends (you know who you are), I say, “Back at ya.” I am so grateful to have you in my life. Finally, my bebs, you are my besties in so many ways. You are the people who follow me, shout out your love, and make me want to be better because you believe in me. If ever I’m feeling lost or lonely, I have you to lift me up. How did I ever get so lucky?