Backstory
Page 12
It all started in late summer or early fall 2020. I’d already been through several months of the pandemic, watching all my plans for 2020 vanish into thin air. In a nutshell, it was a total washout. I was doing my best to keep on keepin’ on, posting on all my platforms, following through with brand collabs, arranging virtual interviews and shoots, deep diving into this book. On top of all that, I was finishing my online high school courses—graduation at last—and coming up on my eighteenth birthday. I continued putting stuff up on my socials, but something felt wrong. Fake. Phony. Full of it. I was smiling on the outside, but inside, my heart was aching and my brain was struggling to make sense of all the chaos. I looked just fine, but I couldn’t deal with life, which—given what I do and how crazy the world is—was very stressful. It was like I had to separate and become two different people: the one watched by 30 million pairs of eyeballs and the one crying into her pillow at night. Who would want to be around a Debbie Downer? But there I was, even with all the attention my career was bringing me, feeling horribly, desperately alone. The truth is, you can be in the middle of a huge crowd, surrounded by noise, and still be all by yourself.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very, very grateful for everything, but too many times, I’ve thought to myself, It would be so much easier to just quit social media. This is too hard! And when those thoughts come into my head, they send me running to a dark place where I doubt everything. My instinct is to simply check out. I couldn’t tell you why; it’s not like there’s something that specifically triggers it or something I can point to. It’s not linked to a certain activity or time of day or even a conversation. It just happens, and when it does, I am not okay.
There, I said it. I want everyone to know that it’s okay not to be okay. I think we need to normalize it and cut each other some slack. No matter how great your life is—and mine is pretty great—there are times when you just get stuck in your head and it’s hard to get unstuck. Honestly, I’m a person who could probably use therapy, but I hate talking about my issues. I worry that a therapist might give me an answer that I don’t want to hear. So, where does that leave me? Usually wrestling with my problems on my own. When something’s going wrong, I won’t speak about it unless it’s doing an insane amount of harm to me. My stubbornness kicks in and I announce that I can handle it myself: “Thanks, but no, thanks. I got this.” And that’s what I should do, right? I mean, I’m eighteen, and I’m supposed to be “adulting.”
Well, that’s what I used to think. I used to believe that admitting I was struggling made me a weaker, lesser person, and I was “a baby” if I couldn’t figure out how to fix stuff on my own. But talking things out with friends and people I trust made me realize that’s not it at all. It actually takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for help. It takes a lot of strength to want to feel better and take steps to make it happen. Admitting you’re not okay doesn’t make you a baby; it makes you badass.
Many of my influencer friends have been down this same rabbit hole. I think it comes with the social media territory. We want to please our followers and make everyone feel good. But I’ve learned that when I’m not okay, I can’t “put it on” or act like I’m having a party on my posts. I have to express my true feelings in my content, even if it bums some people out or isn’t what they have come to expect from me. You might comment, “wasn’t here for this,” and I guess that’s your right. Just respect that I’m trying to put myself out there and share with you guys. I need your support and understanding just like you need mine. I need to be real.
It took me a long time to figure out that communication is key. If you ask my friends and family, they will tell you I am the worst at returning texts. I leave a lot of people on read. I literally haven’t seen some friends in over a year and I feel like the distance, both physical and emotional, has driven a wedge between us. TBH, it’s mostly my fault. I’ll see the text while I’m editing something, but I hate to get out of my zone and lose my train of thought, so I just put the phone on Do Not Disturb and the text just keeps getting pushed back further and further. Eventually, friends give up on me and stop texting altogether. Then I wonder where everyone went! My mom says relationships are like plants that need watering. You can’t neglect them or they dry up, wither, and die. So I have to remind myself to check in. In a pandemic, absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes people think you’re blowing them off and don’t care. My bad!
When things started to ease up a little over the summer and I could actually meet up with my crew, I was a basket case. I had such social anxiety, and it came out of nowhere. I’m shy, but I’d never felt afraid to walk out on the street. Seeing someone moving toward me had never sent me running. I guess I had been alone and socially distant for too long, and though I wanted to feel connected to human beings again, I had this fight-or-flight response: “Get me out of here!” I remember being in a group of people I had really missed, but all I could feel was anxiety inching up my spine. I wanted to literally leave, not say goodbye, and just be home in my room, safe and solo.
In other social situations, I was totally tuned out, which I now know has its own fancy psychological term: disassociation. It’s kind of like having an out-of-body experience, where I felt like I was watching myself go through the motions while I was somewhere else because, mentally, I was. Gradually, I got used to being around people again. It just took time, patience, and Anthony and my dad standing by me in case I freaked and started to bolt. It was such a weird feeling because all I said for months was, “I can’t wait till this is over! I can’t wait to see my friends and be back living my life again.” Then, when I finally could, I flipped out. My dad said it was like I was opening the shades in a dark room and letting the light in. It was so bright I couldn’t see, and it was really uncomfortable. I guess I needed time for my eyes to adjust, or maybe I just needed a cool pair of shades?
Pandemic aside, being a teen is tough. For starters, we have homework, tests, extracurriculars, dating, peer pressure, parent pressure, college applications, and oh yeah, virtually no sleep. Plus, everything is naturally amplified in our still-developing brains. Sometimes, I wish I could be a little kid again with nothing to worry about—no responsibilities and no way of knowing how messed up the world can be. With everything being so unsettled and uncertain these days, I’m tired of all the brain strain, you know? I am constantly turning things over and over in my mind, overanalyzing everything. Why is this happening? Why do I feel like this? What will go wrong next? So many questions I wish I could answer, but I can’t. If life at this moment was a pre-calc pop quiz, I’d fail. But here is one thing I do know: all of the above can add up to one big mental health headache, and you can’t ignore it. Push it down and it will come bobbing back to the surface.
When I sat down to write this book, I had one clear goal in mind: make publicly talking about mental health unscary. I wanted to fight the stigma and fear around mental health and help make it nothing to hide from. There is nothing—I repeat, nothing—to be ashamed of if you are feeling off-balance, out of sorts, or in over your head. I have learned that anxiety can manifest in so many ways, depending on the individual. For me, it becomes a need to turn inward, to shut the world out and take cover like a turtle hiding in its shell. Some people may feel explosive anger or hyped-up anxiety, while others freeze in their tracks. I’ve had friends describe stress as feeling paralyzed or glued to the spot. Some have scary thoughts that haunt their days and dreams. Others worry about anything they can’t control. There’s no wrong or right way to react, it’s just how you process pain and distress. We all have to figure out what anxiety looks like for us, and how to cope with it, so it doesn’t overshadow everything else.
What I want you to know is I have been there, and I am still there. I have good days and bad days and days when I just want to lie in bed, see no one, and not even check my phone. When one of those rolls around, I allow myself to experience it and I don’t push it away. I tell myself, This is the one bad da
y you’re allowed this month. Take it and then shake it. My friend Charli confessed to me that she has panic attacks—a really scary, heart-racing, can’t-catch-your-breath sensation. She’s working on it and I’m proud of her for that, and also for sharing it with me publicly on my show. Her sister, Dixie, also admitted on her IG that she’s dealt with anxiety and depression, and at times, her mind “just isn’t in the right place.” I guess we all feel things differently and have to search for the right fix for us. What I want to do is give mental health issues a voice so we can begin to break them down and work on them together.
How do you start? I think the best way is to come clean: “My name is Avani and my mental health is hurting!” I guess when I first started being more open about it, I worried people would judge or hold it against me. I didn’t want to seem “broken,” but I figured if millions of followers were going to see my life anyways, why not just let them see all of it? I didn’t want to fake it anymore. I didn’t want to pretend to be this happy-go-lucky girl if that wasn’t my mood or mentality. Faking it is exhausting and wrong. I’m not sure why mental health tends to be an off-limits topic or makes people so uncomfortable. Here are some not-so-fun facts for you: According to NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness), 75 percent of mental illnesses reveal themselves before age 24, and 50 percent show first signs before age 14. Also, according to experts, one out of five young people is dealing with some form of mental illness. What does that mean? That a lot of us are feeling it, and it needs to come out of the shadows.
Why then do so many of us, me included, keep mental health issues buried deep inside? What’s the reason for holding back? I can speak from experience here: there are many. For starters: fear of being judged, labeled, or canceled. I seriously stressed about someone commenting on a post that I was “crazy,” “dramatic,” or “problematic.” I didn’t want to be a trending topic on some gossip site. Then I thought I was somehow “disappointing” my family, my team, or my fans by admitting I had a problem that wouldn’t go away. Along with that, I didn’t want to be a burden or put those around me on edge. The last thing I wanted was for my mom or Anthony to be walking on eggshells, afraid to upset me. I also thought admitting I was struggling would be like announcing, “Hey! Look at me! I’m a failure!” All my success and productivity seemed to hinge on my ability to perform at the top of my game. If I couldn’t do that, what did that say about my career? What did it mean for my future?
But covering things up led me to a place where I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I haven’t been officially diagnosed, but I struggle with attention deficit. I can’t stay focused on any one topic for more than a couple of minutes. I was in the process of getting tested in Indiana right before moving to LA, and then the pandemic happened. I deal with it, it’s a part of me, and it should give you a clue as to where my crazy sense of humor comes from. When I made the difficult choice to open up about my mental health, I knew it wasn’t just going to be to my inner circle, but to the world as a whole. I talked a lot about mental health on my show and asked doctors, experts, and real kids to weigh in. It was eye-opening. I learned that denying it won’t make the problem go away. I learned that staying mentally healthy is just as important as staying physically healthy. If you get sick with the flu, you drink tea and honey, take a Tylenol, and have chicken soup. Isn’t your brain worthy of some TLC when it’s not feeling its best? Most important, I learned that you can gain insight into your own mental health by hearing the experiences of others. Sharing is caring, bebes. After I discussed mental health on my show, I was overwhelmed with support. So many people commented, “Me too!” and that empowered me. It showed me that I could use my platform to make a difference in a big way. I could get through to people who were hurting like I was. I could kickstart the conversation and let all of you take it to the next level. I could take a negative and turn it around into a positive to propel me forward. I’d be lying if I continued to let you think that nothing gets to me, ’cause it does. That’s when I remind myself I have been through this before and I’m still here, still kicking. That’s proof positive that this will blow over and be history one day. Chalk up another one on the scoreboard: Life 0, Avani 1.
Being a public person, I get a lot of people reaching out to ask for my advice. Every time that happens, it’s like a switch goes off in my head and I want to help. But advice is one thing, fixing someone else is taking it too far. I could tell you what I would do, but who am I to say what will work for you? Mental health isn’t one-size-fits-all. You have to do the work, and all anyone can give you, myself included, are the tools to fix yourself. So, with that in mind, let me say that I am a great listener. And you being here, reading these words on these pages, that’s you listening to me. I appreciate it more than you know because it’s freeing me up to acknowledge what I’m going through. If you’re in the midst of figuring out your mess, what I can tell you has really helped me figure out mine is being honest with myself. My go-to reaction used to be to duck and cover, but now I am putting it out there in black and white for everyone to read. It’s a big step for me to share what I’ve gone through and am going through. As little as a year ago, I would have been too terrified to spill. I would have just closed the book on this topic before I ever started writing it. But if my story helps someone, resonates with them, or encourages them to reach out to get the help they need, then I’m happy. Did you hear what I said? H-A-P-P-Y. Imagine that.
Run It Back: If You’re Unhappy and You Know It…
Don’t keep it to yourself. I know, easier said than done. You don’t want to worry your parents, scare off your friends, or make people think you’re messed up. I don’t know anyone whose life is totally unproblematic, so you’re in good company. It might be hard for people to hear it, but it’s even harder for you to keep it bottled up. It feels so good to be real, give voice to my mental struggles, and get people thinking and talking about their own. It’s like this huge weight is lifted and I can finally focus on healing instead of hiding. Yay me.
Distract yourself. I will literally sit and watch cartoons for hours with Anthony, cracking myself up. We will watch a new movie or cartoon every night: Adventure Time, Steven Universe, The Amazing World of Gumball, Family Guy, Rick and Morty, Big City Greens, Gravity Falls, Uncle Grandpa, Phineas and Ferb, Bob’s Burgers, The Simpsons, Clarence, The Regular Show, Sanjay and Craig, and so many more. I think we might’ve watched every single cartoon and kids’ show that there is (we’re definitely trying). It’s really hard to be sad when you’re laughing so hard you can hardly breathe. I also recommend reading a book, listening to music, dancing around your living room, or challenging your siblings to a game of Fortnite. You get the picture: take your mind off your misery.
Separate the sadness. The fancy term for that is “compartmentalizing.” It means you don’t let your upset invade every single nook and cranny of your daily life. If it’s related to a relationship, keep it there instead of letting it take over your time for studying. If it’s school-related, leave it behind when your classes wrap because it doesn’t belong in your dance studio. Compartmentalizing is literally taking a mental break when you need it, and it works wonders.
Make someone’s day. Giving back is a great pick-me-up. I have all these boxes of unused makeup and I’ve finally decided it’s time to go through them and donate them to an organization in LA that helps women who are getting back into the workplace. Studies have shown that helping others makes you feel better about yourself and your situation. Plus, it makes the world a whole lot better.
Things change. My mom likes to rub my back and tell me, “Voni, this too shall pass.” She’s right. Stuff may suck at the moment, but it can and will get better. How do I know? Because I’ve seen it in action. What shook me to my core six months ago doesn’t bother me all that much anymore. Even if the situation stays the same, your feelings can shift, especially when you’ve had some space to breathe and think it through. I have to remind myself of this constantly since
I seem to attract drama like a magnet. The crisis I’m in will blow over, die down, and vanish into thin air. Just knowing that makes me hopeful, and hope is a great healer.
TLC yourself. I see nothing wrong with a little retail therapy, binge-watching sesh, or long bubble bath. You deserve it, especially when you’re not feeling your usual fabulous self. Make it a day that’s “All about Me, Me, Me.” It’s not being indulgent; it’s simply offering self-care to someone (YOU!) who needs to recognize how special they are.
Write it down. Break out your journal and put those feelings down on paper. It’s like an instant stress release—take it from the girl who just wrote herself 200-plus pages in this book! Every time I put my sadness or fear into words, it was like they were no longer a part of me. I set them free. Even if you’re not the greatest writer, I highly recommend a little literary send-off for your troubles. Who knows, you could be the next great novelist and never even know it.
Get help. If you can’t talk to someone close to you, there are so many great groups and helplines ready and waiting to give you emotional support. Don’t hesitate if you’re hurting. Connect, talk, and get some relief. Here are a few organizations to check out: https://teenlineonline.org
https://www.imalive.org
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org