More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations

by Melody Beattie

Detachment involves presentmoment living—living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.

  —Codependent No More

  This moment, we are right where we need to be, right where we are meant to be.

  How often we waste our time and energy wishing we were someone else, were doing something else, or were someplace else. We may wish our present circumstances were different.

  We needlessly confuse ourselves and divert our energy by thinking that our present moment is a mistake. But we are right where we need to be for now. Our feelings, thoughts, circumstances, challenges, tasks—all of it is on schedule.

  We spoil the beauty of the present moment by wishing for something else.

  Come back home to yourself. Come back home to the present moment. We will not change things by escaping or leaving the moment. We will change things by surrendering to and accepting the moment.

  Some moments are easier to accept than others.

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  To trust the process, to trust all of it, without hanging on to the past or peering too far into the future, requires a great deal of faith. Surrender to the moment. If you're feeling angry, get mad. If you're setting a boundary, dive into that. If you're grieving, grieve. Get into it. Step where instinct leads. If you're waiting, wait. If you have a task, throw yourself into the work. Get into the moment; the moment is right.

  We are where we are, and it is okay. It is right where we're meant to be to get where we're going tomorrow. And that place will be good.

  It has been planned in love for us.

  God, help me let go of my need to be someone other than who I am today. Help me dive fully into the present moment. I will accept and surrender to my present moments—the difficult ones and the easy ones, trusting the whole process. I will stop trying to control the process; instead, I will relax and let myself experience it.

  August 19

  Letting Go of Shame

  Shame is that dark, powerful feeling that holds us back. Yes, shame can stop us from acting inappropriately. But many of us have learned to attach shame to healthy behaviors that are in our best interest.

  In dysfunctional families, shame can be tagged to healthy behaviors such as talking about feelings, making choices, taking care of ourselves, having fun, being successful, or even feeling good about ourselves.

  Shame may have been attached to asking for what we want and need, to communicating directly and honestly, and to giving and receiving love.

  Sometimes shame disguises itself as fear, rage, indifference, or a need to run and hide, wrote Stephanie E. But if it feels dark and makes us feel bad about being who we are, it's probably shame.

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  In recovery, we are learning to identify shame. When we can recognize it, we can begin to let go of it. We can love and accept ourselves—starting now.

  We have a right to be, to be here, and to be who we are. And we don't ever have to let shame tell us any differently.

  Today, I will attack and conquer the shame in my life.

  August 20

  Honesty in Relationships

  We can be honest and direct about our boundaries in relationships and about the parameters of a particular relationship.

  Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and individuality in recovery more than our relationships. Some of us are in a committed relationship. Some of us are dating. Some of us are not dating. Some of us are living with someone. Some of us wish we were dating. Some of us wish we were in a committed relationship. Some of us get into new relationships after recovery. Some of us stay in the relationship we were in before we began recovering.

  We have other relationships too. We have friendships. Relationships with children, with parents, with extended family. We have professional relationships—

  relationships with people on the job.

  We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. We can define our relationships to people, an idea written about by Charlotte Kasl and others, and we can ask them to be honest and direct about defining their vision of the relationship with us.

  It is confusing to be in relationships and not know where we stand—whether this is on the job, in a friendship, with family members, or in a love relationship. We have a right to be direct about how we define the relationship—what

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  we want it to be. But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship too. We have a right to know, and ask. So do they.

  Honesty is the best policy.

  We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue.

  Whether or not we tell the person is ours.

  We can set boundaries and define friendships when those cause confusion.

  We can even define relationships with children, if those relationships have gotten sticky and exceeded our parameters. We need to define love relationships and what that means to each person. We have a right to ask and receive clear answers. We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own expectations. So does the other person.

  Honesty and directness is the only policy. Sometimes we don't know what we want in a relationship. Sometimes the other person doesn't know. But the sooner we can define a relationship, with the other person's help, the sooner we can decide on an appropriate course of conduct for ourselves.

  The clearer we can become on defining relationships, the more we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have a right to our boundaries, wants, and needs. So does the other person. We can not force someone to be in a relationship or to participate at a level we desire if he or she does not want to. All of us have a right not to be forced.

  Information is a powerful tool, and having the information about what a particular relationship is—the boundaries and definitions of it—will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.

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  Relationships take a while to form, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what that relationship is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash, we are free to make a new decision based on appropriate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

  Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships. If I now have some relationships that are murky and illdefined, and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present relationships. Guide me into clarity—clear, healthy thinking. Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I can't get that from the other person, what I want is still okay, but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forego what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get that.

  August 21

  Detaching in Relationships

  When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don't care.

  We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we're showing how much we care.

  We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don't work. Even when we're right, controlling doesn't work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening.

  As we practice the principle of detachment with the people in our life, we slowly begin to learn the truth. Detaching, preferably detaching with love,
is a relationship behavior that works.

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  We learn something else too. Detachment—letting go of our need to control people—enhances all our relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. It reduces our frustration level, and frees us and others to live in peace and harmony.

  Detachment means we care, about ourselves and others. It frees us to make the best possible decisions. It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people. It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiate a positive course of action. It encourages others to do the same.

  It allows our Higher Power to step in and work.

  Today, I will trust the process of detaching with love. I will understand that I am not just letting go; I am letting go and letting God. I'm loving others, but I'm loving myself too.

  August 22

  Responsibility for Family Members

  I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.

  —Anonymous

  For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.

  We do not have this kind of power over our parents—over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.

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  Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.

  We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.

  Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control us, our feelings, our behaviors, or our life.

  Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any selfdefeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.

  August 23

  SelfCare

  When will we become lovable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving it to ourselves.

  —Beyond Codependency

  The idea of giving ourselves what we want and need can be confusing, especially if we have spent many years not knowing that it's okay to take care of ourselves.

  Taking our energy and focus off others and their responsibilities and placing that energy on to ourselves and our responsibilities is a recovery behavior that can be acquired. We learn it by daily practice.

  We begin by relaxing, by breathing deeply, and letting go of our fears enough to feel as peaceful as we can. Then, we ask ourselves: What do I need to do to take care of myself today, or for this moment?

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  What do I need and want to do?

  What would demonstrate love and selfresponsibility?

  Am I caught up in the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, responsible for me? Then the first thing I need to do is correct my belief system. I am responsible for myself.

  Do I feel anxious and concerned about a responsibility I've been neglecting? Then perhaps I need to let go of my fears and tend to that responsibility.

  Do I feel overwhelmed, out of control? Maybe I need to journey back to the first of the Twelve Steps.

  Have I been working too hard? Maybe what I need to do is take some time off and do something fun.

  Have I been neglecting my work or daily tasks? Then maybe what I need to do is get back to my routine.

  There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for selfcare. We each have a guide, and that guide is within us. We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take loving, responsible care of myself? Then, we need to listen to the answer. Selfcare is not that difficult. The most challenging part is trusting the answer, and having the courage to follow through once we hear it.

  Today, I will focus on taking care of myself. I will trust myself and my Higher Power to guide me in this process.

  August 24

  Step Eight

  Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

  —Step Eight of AlAnon

  The Eighth Step is not meant to punish us; it is meant to set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord.

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  We begin by making a list of everyone we have harmed on our journey, as we have struggled to survive. We have probably done more damage to ourselves than to anyone else, so we put ourselves first on the list.

  Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done, everyone we've come in contact with. That is unearned guilt. Writing helps us clarify whether or not we are punishing ourselves for no reason. But we need to be open to guidance as we work this Step, getting everything out of us and on to paper, so we can be healed.

  Once we have made the list, we strive to become willing to make amends to everyone on it because that is how we will heal. Making amends does not mean feeling guilty and ashamed and punishing ourselves; it means swallowing our pride and defenses, and doing what we can to take care of ourselves. We become ready to improve our selfesteem by taking responsibility for our behaviors. We become willing to have our relationships with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power restored.

  Today, I will open myself to an honest understanding of the people I have harmed. God, help me let go of my defenses and pride. Help me become willing to make amends to those I have harmed, so that I can improve my relationships with myself and others.

  August 25

  Willing to Make Amends

  The Eighth Step is talking about a change of heart, a healing change.

  This attitude can begin a great chain of repair and healing in our relationships with others and ourselves. It means we become willing to let go of our hardheartedness—one of the greatest blocks to our ability to give and receive love.

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  In the Eighth Step, we make a list of all people we have harmed, and we allow ourselves to experience a healing attitude toward them. It is an attitude of love.

  We do not, in this Step, dash madly about and begin yelling, ''Sorry!'' We make our list, not to feel guilty, but to facilitate healing. Before we actually make amends or begin to consider appropriate amends, we allow ourselves to change our attitude. That is where healing begins—within us.

  It can change the energy. It can change the dynamics. It can begin the process, before we ever open our mouths and say sorry.

  It opens the door to love. It opens the door to the energy of love and healing. It enables us to release negative feelings and energy, and opens the door to positive feelings and energy.

  That energy can be felt around the world, and it starts inside us.

  How often have we, after we have been hurt, wished that the person would simply recognize our pain and say, "I'm sorry"? How often have we wished that the person would simply see us, hear us, and turn the energy of love our way? How often have we longed for at least a change of heart, a small dose of reconciliation, in relationships tainted by unfinished business and bad feelings? Often.

  Others do too. It is no secret. The energy of healing begins with us. Our willingness to make amends may or may not benefit the other person; he or she may or may not be willing to put matters to rest.

  But we become healed. We become capable of love.

  Today, I will work on a change of heart if hardheartedness, de
fensiveness, guilt, or bitterness are present. I will become willing to let go of those feelings and have them replaced by the healing energy of love.

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  August 26

  Making Amends

  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

  —Step Nine of AlAnon

  When we make amends we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our amends is taking responsibility for our behavior. We need to be sure that the process itself will not be selfdefeating or hurtful.

  Sometimes, we need to directly apologize for a particular thing we have done or our part in a problem.

  Other times, instead of saying "I'm sorry," what we need to do is work on changing our behavior with a person.

  There are times when bringing up what we have done and apologizing for it will make matters worse.

  We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling.

  Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count here. In peace and harmony, we can strive to clear up our relationships.

  We deserve to be at peace with ourselves and others.

  Today, I will be open to making any amends I need to make with people. I will wait for Divine Guidance in the process of making any amends that are not clear to me. I will act, when led. God, help me let go of my fear about facing people and taking responsibility for my behaviors. Help me know I am not diminishing my selfesteem by doing this; I am improving it.

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  August 27

  Procrastination

  Procrastination—not acting when the time is right—is a selfdefeating behavior. It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony, and a nagging consciousness of the task that life is telling us it's time to do.

  We are not always procrastinating when we put off doing something. Sometimes, doing a thing before the time is right can be as selfdefeating as waiting too long.