Stalemate

by Lisa Suzanne

  “I do love you, Axel. I do.” I can hear the pleading in my own voice, and it nauseates me. I’ve never been the girl who begs, yet I somehow find myself doing exactly that.

  He snorts derisively. “You asked if the fact that you didn’t tell me about the kiss means you don’t care about me as much as I care about you, and I think that’s exactly what our problem is. I care about you so much—too much, maybe, for what I get in return, and if we can’t meet in the middle, if we don’t give the same amount to this relationship…well, then I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue to be together.”

  And there it is.

  The threat to end what we have.

  My stomach rolls, and then the thing that’s always on my mind almost makes its way past my lips—I’M PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABY! I want to scream it. The fact that a baby is growing inside me—a baby made from the love we share, his baby—is always at the forefront of my thoughts, and to hear this baby’s father tell me we shouldn’t be together hurts me everywhere. I rub at the sudden ache in my chest as I will myself to continue to stand here in front of Axel as the strong woman he knows I am. I refuse to run off to some bushes and get sick, because in this moment, I need to stand strong.

  “That’s not what I want.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own; it sounds far away and foreign to me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and the next thing I know, I’m squinting as my eyes try to adjust to a very bright light.

  “Her eyes are opening.”

  I think that’s Axel’s voice, but I can’t be sure. It’s so far away, like I’m underwater and he’s trying to talk to me from the surface.

  “Emme?”

  My eyes focus in on his face, and it’s the man I love. His eyes are full of concern as he gazes down at me.

  I sit up quickly—too quickly, apparently, because I feel dizzy. “What happened?”

  “You passed out.”

  “I did?”

  He nods, but the concern doesn’t go away. “The paramedics are on their way.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine.”

  “Babe, I know.”

  “You know what?”

  “The baby. I know about the baby. We need to get you both checked out.”

  “What baby?” I ask weakly.

  His eyes soften. “Our baby,” he whispers, and my heart balloons in my chest.

  Our baby…our baby…our baby. The chorus plays on repeat in my head.

  When I open my eyes again, I’m in a completely different place. I’m not on the ground, but I am in Axel’s arms, and it feels pretty damn good here.

  “She’s coming to.” That’s definitely Axel’s voice, but it’s so dark out here that I can’t see him.

  “What happened?” I ask.

  “You passed out.”

  “I did?”

  This whole conversation is reminiscent of the one that just took place in my head—the one I thought was real. Our baby. He still doesn’t know.

  I draw in a cleansing breath.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  I nod. “Yeah. I think maybe I just didn’t eat enough today.”

  “Let’s get you something with protein.”

  I push off his chest so I can walk back into the restaurant, but he’s not having that. He scoops me up and carries me in his arms, and even though he just said it might be better if we end things, this feels right. This feels like he still cares, like he still wants to be with me, like there’s a chance we can make this work.

  “I’m okay, Ax. You can put me down.”

  “Babe, you just passed out into my arms. I’m not letting go of you.”

  “At least let me walk. You can still help me.”

  He sets his jaw and basically ignores me.

  “I love you,” I whisper. I run my fingers along his whiskers, and he closes his eyes for just a second as he leans into my touch. He doesn’t say it back, but he’s upset. I get that. He deserved better; he deserved the truth immediately, just like he gave me. “I want to make this work with you.” I’m still whispering, and he’s still not responding, but at least I know he heard me. At least I said what I needed to. I want to say more. I want to tell him that I’m dedicated to us, that I’m intent on proving to him that I’m going to work harder, that maybe I’ll never deserve his love but I want him to love me anyway.

  I don’t say any of that, though, because we’re stepping into the restaurant and Courtney is rushing toward us. “What happened?” she asks, alarmed.

  Axel nods to me. “She just passed out in the parking lot.”

  “Oh my God! The ba—” I cut her off with a look of death before she gets out the full word.

  “The what?” Axel asks, and I shake my head as I plead with her using only my eyes.

  “The, uh…the bacon!”

  “The bacon?” Axel asks. He sets me down but doesn’t remove his arm from around me.

  She nods. “The bacon is all gone. This is a crisis. Emme, I need you. Now.”

  Axel gives Courtney a strange look. “Your best friend just passed out and you’re worried about bacon? Talk about a bridezilla.”

  My head swings to Axel, as does Courtney’s. “Bridezilla?” I ask. “Where did you hear that word?”

  He looks sheepish. “It’s some TV show.”

  I giggle and jab my thumb in his direction. “You leave this guy alone for a week and he’s suddenly an expert on reality television.”

  “Can you give us a minute?” Courtney asks him.

  “Babe, you sure you’re okay?” he asks.

  I nod. “I’m fine.”

  Courtney pulls out her phone and starts tapping away while Axel studies me for a beat. He finally presses a soft kiss to my forehead, and that one gesture tells me everything’s going to be okay.

  Eventually.

  He looks me over once more. “I’ll be in the parking lot with the guys. If you need anything—I mean anything—come get me.”

  “I will. Promise.”

  He looks like he wants to say something, but then he glances over at Courtney, and the moment is broken. He nods once, and then he heads back outside.

  “Are you okay?” she asks once he’s out of earshot. “Did you fall on the ground? Do you need me to call an ambulance to get you checked out?”

  “Court, I’m fine. I just got a little dizzy while Axel and I were talking.”

  She looks at her phone again before she flashes her screen at me. “Fainting is common during the first trimester. See?”

  I glance at the headline on her browser that confirms it’s all normal. “I’m fine. Can you please not give this away to Axel before I get a chance to tell him? I’m supposed to be the one who’s bad at keeping secrets, not you.

  “Fucking tell him,” she hisses.

  “Don’t get mad at me. I just fainted.”

  Courtney rolls her eyes. “How long are you going to use that one?”

  I shrug, because actually I really do feel fine now. “As long as I can.”

  She giggles. “You’re fine.”

  “Told you.”

  CHAPTER 30

  EMME

  I really am kind of ravenous, so I get a cheeseburger to go, figuring I’ll eat it on the thirty-minute drive back to my place. I head out to the parking lot with my food in a bag a few minutes later, ready to just call it a night.

  But that’s not how it all plays out. Axel is still out there with Carter and Carson, and they spot me leaving as I walk over to my car.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” I hear Axel’s voice call to me just as I press my key fob to unlock my doors. He appears beside me.

  “I was planning on going home,” I say dryly.

  “You think I’m going to let you drive home after you just passed out? What if you had been driving when it happened?”

  “Calm down. I’m fine.”

  He sighs heavily. “Ems, I won’t forgive myself if something happens to you when I could’ve just taken you h
ome myself.”

  “But then my car will be here.”

  “So? I’ll get you here tomorrow, too.”

  “Axel, I’m fine.”

  “I know you are. Maybe I’m just using this as an excuse to be locked in a car for thirty minutes with you, so now that you made me admit that, will you just stop and get in my damn Jeep?”

  I think about that for a minute. If my personal vow is to put in the effort he deserves, well, he deserves thirty minutes of my time. He deserves this car ride.

  Besides, I want to spend this time with him. I’m a little terrified I’ll let my secret slip before I’m ready to, but I’ve missed him. I want to be with him, and if a car ride home because he’s trying to protect me allows us time together, it’s in my best interest to jump at the chance.

  “Fine. Are you ready to leave?”

  “Let me just say some quick goodbyes and confirm the agenda for tomorrow.” He fishes in his pocket and tosses his keys to me. “You can wait in the Jeep if you want.” He glances at the bag in my hand. “What’s that?”

  “A burger.”

  “I thought you hated feeling beef bloated.”

  “I’m hungry and I don’t care.”

  He chuckles. “Don’t spill any ketchup in my car.”

  “But mustard’s okay?”

  He nods. “Mustard is perfectly acceptable, but ketchup? People will ask way too many questions.”

  I giggle. “Gotcha.”

  He heads off back to Carter and Carson, and I slide into the front seat of the Jeep and chow down my burger in about three bites. It came with fries, and I’m slowly enjoying those and wishing I had a chocolate shake to dip them in when Axel gets in the car.

  “Ready?” he asks. He glances at my nearly empty Styrofoam food container and then looks at me. “Was I gone that long?”

  “No, I was just really hungry.”

  He chuckles, and then he reaches over and grabs a fry before firing up the Jeep.

  “So how are things at The Port?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “The usual. I hated not having you there.”

  “You did?” My heart unexpectedly warms.

  “I did,” he confirms.

  “But you said you thought we’d be better off apart.”

  “I never said that.”

  “You said you don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue to be together.”

  “If we’re not both invested in this relationship, then I stand by that, but I think we both are, and what’s more important is that I will fight for us. I just need you to as well.”

  “And me fainting is what changed your mind?”

  He shakes his head but his eyes don’t move from the road in front of us. “No. I knew that before you fainted. For the record, Emme, I’m still really mad at you.”

  “That’s okay. I’m a little mad at you, too.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “About James?”

  “Yeah. What happened?”

  “It was honestly nothing. Remember that band Digital Shade?”

  “That kind of eclectic one that played The Port a few weeks ago?”

  I nod.

  “Yeah, Carter and Courtney loved them so much he decided to book them for the wedding.”

  My heart ripples. “What? Did they agree?”

  “Yeah. They had to cancel another gig but Carter gave them a shitload of money to play on short notice. Why?”

  “Fuck,” I mutter, and my hand goes immediately to my stomach. It’s like I’m putting earmuffs on the baby so he doesn’t hear my foul language. I pull my hand away quickly because I don’t want to raise Axel’s suspicions.

  I also don’t quite know how it escaped my attention that Digital Shade is playing my best friend’s wedding. I guess I’ve been in my own little world, but I’ve spent a lot of time helping Courtney plan this wedding. I suppose we’ve mainly focused on the things that weren’t done yet, and if she had a band booked, we wouldn’t have talked too much about it.

  “What?” he asks.

  I clear my throat and go for broke. “My first real boyfriend was a guy named James.” My voice is flat as I tell him the whole truth. “I lost my virginity to him my junior year of high school. His family moved to Germany and we lost touch. I randomly ran into him a few weeks ago when I was picking up Digital Shade for their performance at The Port. He’s the bassist.”

  “Fuck,” Axel mutters.

  I sigh.

  “So when did he kiss you?” he asks.

  “Does it matter?”

  “You made me give you every last detail about what happened with Kasey. Now it’s your turn.” He’s gritting out his words with anger, and I wish he wasn’t driving so I could at least try to read his expression during this conversation.

  “He asked me to lunch the day I met with Courtney’s mom. I declined, and he asked again. I said I could do coffee the next day.”

  “Why did you agree to meet with him?”

  It’s way harder than I thought it would be to admit this to him, but like my accidental post on Courtney’s blog said, I need to give him the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. Maybe this is what he needs to see that I really do love him.

  “I was so mad at you, Axel. You were always pushing me for more, for things I made clear I wasn’t ready for. I just wanted to see him, to see if that spark was still there, to see if I still felt something.”

  I let that hang between us, and all I feel is a whole lot of shame.

  “And did you?”

  “No.” My voice is vehement. “Meeting with him made me realize how I’ve taken you for granted. You’re so good to me. You’re so kind and loving. You treat me better than I deserve. Seeing James made me realize how much I love you.”

  He clears his throat. “And the kiss?”

  “I told him I needed to go, and I stood to throw out my coffee. He stood, too, and he just sort of went for it. It was quick and pointless, and then I told him I was in a relationship.”

  “I’ll fucking kill him,” Axel mutters.

  “Stop. You can’t react to him tomorrow.”

  “If Carter knew, he’d never have hired them.”

  “I know. I wish he hadn’t.”

  “Me too. Is it too late to book a different band?”

  “The wedding is tomorrow, Axel. It’s probably too late.”

  “Did you kiss him back?”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “So did that make you think it was okay not to tell me about it?”

  “No.” My voice is small. “I wanted to tell you. I just…”

  “Just?”

  “I just didn’t. I was too mad about what you did.”

  “Don’t you see the hypocrisy?”

  “I guess I do now.”

  “You guess? Don’t you think what you did was even worse than what I did?”

  “Because I didn’t tell you?”

  “No, because you went with the intention of finding out if you had feelings for someone else.”

  I never thought of it that way. I only allowed myself to feel the hurt of knowing another woman kissed him and he kissed her back. I thought myself the better of us because I didn’t kiss James back.

  But he’s totally right. I gave in to the possibility of feelings and arranged a date, while Axel was blindsided by someone else.

  “I’m sorry. It was wrong of me.”

  “You said before that you love me. You said it in your blog post, too.”

  I nod. “I do, Axel. I love you.”

  “But you hid important things from me. You avoided me. You met with someone else, made time for someone else, and you didn’t make time for me. That’s not love, babe.”

  “I know, but I know better now.”

  “How? What magically happened that proved that to you?”

  The baby.

  I realized my feelings for Axel long before I even had an inkling that I might be pregnant, but my emotions have been magnified over
the past couple of weeks. Sometimes that magnification can drive women crazy, but other times it can drive women to the truth.

  For me…well, maybe it’s a little bit of both.

  “I don’t know. Seeing James didn’t dredge up the old feelings I thought it might. Instead, it just drove me closer to wanting a future I never thought I wanted.”

  “With me?”

  I reach my hand over and touch his leg. “With you.”

  He sighs, and then he covers my hand with his. His is big and warm over my ice-cold one, and this feels right.

  “Do you still…think it would be better if we were apart?” I ask timidly.

  “I never thought it would be better if we were apart, Ems. I thought that’s what you wanted.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Are you coming back to work next week?”

  The abrupt change of subject is startling. “I don’t know.”

  “We need you back. I tried to pretend like we were fine, like we were getting by, but The Port needs you.”

  “I actually came up with a bunch of new ideas I want to talk to you about.”

  “I have some work to do Monday. Stop in and we can talk.”

  “I have a doctor’s appointment Monday.”

  “Everything okay?” he asks.

  Well it’s an appointment to confirm I’m pregnant with your baby, and I’m hoping they let me know how far along I am and when I’m due, but yeah, everything’s great. Instead of saying that, I say, “Yeah. And I, um…I think I need a new job.”

  “What?” He tears his eyes from the road to glance over at me. I stare straight ahead. “Are you serious?”

  “I’ve thought a lot about my job over the past few days. I’m not getting younger, Axel. Spending every night in a bar, drinking with clients, partying…it can’t last forever.”

  “So you think you need a new job? Or you want to redefine your current job?”

  I think about that. The Port is so close to my heart, especially now that Axel is a co-owner. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know how to redefine my position, either.