Liv, in the Moment

by Dale, Tracy

  "Well, it's none of my business anyway, right?" She sounded numb now. "What you do with your girlfriend has nothing to do with me." She turned toward her class but Connor grabbed her again and pulled her close against his chest.

  "Damn it, Liv, don't act like that."

  "Like what? Friends? That's all we are."

  "No it isn't." He almost kissed her. He wanted to so badly, needed to meld her to him even as he felt her slipping away. The taste of Ana's flavored lip gloss on his lips stopped him.

  The bell rang. Liv pulled out of his arms. Students clamored by, noisy and chaotic. Still Connor heard her.

  "When you care about someone you try to fix problems. Not create them."

  Connor watched her until she disappeared into her classroom, and then he punched the lockers so hard his knuckles split.

  He needed to fix this. He just had to figure out how.

  * * * *

  Ditching was looking better and better. By lunchtime, Liv was ready to escape the demands of the teacher in favor of the demands of her thoughts. She almost went to her car instead of the library.

  Instead, she went inside, got the book of available scholarships and started the tedious search. Ten minutes in, Chelsea texted her. Connor wid u?

  No

  Evry1 thnks he is

  Everyone meant Ana and Jackson. Since she still hadn't texted or called Jackson back either, she knew what he must be thinking.

  Liv hurried through the applications, grabbed as many as she could find quickly and went to join her friends.

  David spotted her first. "Where's Connor?"

  Liv nearly winced. "I haven't seen him. I was in the library." She held up the applications.

  Jackson was looking at her with an expression that made her feel painfully guilty. There was suspicion. Doubt. "What's up?" He'd never greeted her so coolly.

  "I'm sorry I didn't call you back. I didn't have my phone yesterday." It was sort of the truth. "I was planning on talking to you this morning, but I forgot something at my house." She held up her applications again. "And my mom insisted I get these, so..."

  He gave her a half smile. "That's cool." He kissed her and held her in the circle of his arms, but there was still tension between them.

  Ana didn't help. "Was Connor with you at all?" Her eyebrows were raised in that way that said she couldn't stand even acknowledging Liv, let alone talking to her.

  "No."

  "Do you know where he is?"

  "Why would I, Ana?"

  "Because you two are always together," she said, too sweetly.

  "He's one of my best friends," Liv said, just as sweetly.

  "I find that hard to believe."

  "Try."

  David's head turned back and forth between them. "Are you guys gonna fight? 'Cuz can we pour water on your t-shirts first? Or mud. Oh man, I'd love to see the mud."

  Brody and Chelsea laughed nervously. Liv didn't know what Jackson was doing but he was tense behind her. "There's nothing to fight about. He's your boyfriend. Why don't you keep track of him."

  She knew Ana almost slapped her. "You're a bitch, Liv," she said instead.

  "Back off, Ana." Chelsea was usually the peace-keeper, but she was clearly angry.

  "Yeah, whose side are you on, Chelsea?" Ana said.

  "My side. What's your problem, anyway? Liv hasn't done anything."

  "Hasn't she?"

  "Hasn't she, what? Spit it out," David said. "Or get to the wet t-shirts. Either way."

  "Shut up, David," Ana snapped. She gave Liv a look of absolute hatred and stormed off.

  Jackson released her. "What was that about?"

  Liv felt shaky. "I don't know."

  "You really have no idea?" Doubt again.

  Chelsea, lord love her, jumped in to help. "Connor broke up with her this weekend--"

  "No way!" David said. He loved juicy gossip. "But this morning she was all over him! Even I was getting embarrassed."

  "Why would she blame you?" Jackson said to Liv.

  "I don't know!" She was feeling cornered.

  "I do." Chelsea jumped in again. "It's because he's so close with your family. She thinks your parents don't like her."

  "Really?" That excuse rang with truth.

  "After she had dinner at your house that one time, she told me she was afraid your parents would tell Connor they didn't approve."

  "Your parents would actually say that?" Jackson said. "Man, I thought my dad was bad."

  "I told you, Connor is a part of my family," she said, absently.

  "Sounds like more than anyone thought," Jackson almost sounded as though he had to decide if it was worth dealing with Connor to be with her. She couldn't blame him, if that's what he was thinking.

  The day was going from worse to worst with each passing minute. And Connor was missing, which didn't help.

  Liv tried desperately to maintain normal for the rest of lunch. Jackson went back to his laid back self, talking and laughing as usual. When it was over, he gave her a hug and kiss but she still felt awkward. She expected to see Connor waiting for her somewhere between classes, but there was no sight of him.

  After school, Liv walked a dejected trail to her car. Her friendship with Ana was officially over. Really, it had ended months ago. Her relationship with Jackson now seemed rocky--with her throwing the rocks. She didn't know what kind of person that made her, or where it would leave her.

  And her relationship with Connor was definitely altered. Weird was going to be the new normal for them. At least for a while.

  Maybe things could go back to the way they were, once she got her emotions in check again. One thing she was certain about. She was absolutely never going to read into anything a guy said or did unless it was so clear, crystal would be jealous of the clarity.

  "Liv, wait up!"

  She turned to see Jackson running after her. "I thought you had practice?"

  "Coach had to do something, so I have fifteen." He walked her the rest of the way to her car. "You okay? Today was kind of rough with Ana."

  His compassion almost broke the dam of tears she'd erected. She nodded, her gaze downcast. "Ah, babe." He pulled her into his arms. He hugged her for a moment before leaning down to kiss her.

  Liv was reluctant.

  He was determined. His tongue slipped into her mouth. He tightened his hand on her waist and pulled her close, until her hips were cradled against him. He slid his hands down her back to cup her bottom and lift her against him.

  Liv gasped. She could feel him. His nylon basketball shorts hid nothing. She tried not to back way, tried to keep kissing him, but he rubbed against her.

  She pulled away. "I'm sorry," she said immediately.

  He kissed her neck before his hold eased. "Why?"

  "I'm really--I've never done anything."

  He laughed softly. "I know."

  "I need to take it slow. I'm sorry."

  He leaned back a bit to look at her. "Don't apologize. It's okay." His smile was a little crooked. "You can't blame a guy for trying though."

  Hers was a bit wobbly. "Okay."

  He hugged her again, kissed her, and then released her. "I better get back. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

  "Thanks."

  "I'll call you." He ran off.

  Liv hated herself.

  * * *

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  The Hard Way

  "I'm having girl troubles," Connor announced at dinner that night.

  After a brief, surprised silence, Dad rumbled with laughter. "Connor, I said the same thing when I was your age and haven't stopped saying it since."

  Mom's expression was so dry it could evaporate a lake. "This may come as a surprise to you, sweetheart, but you aren't always funny." She focused on Connor. "Ana?"

  "I broke up with her."

  "I thought that's where the trouble ended," Dad said.

  "Ignore the man behind the curtain." Mom didn't sound amused.

  Conno
r looked utterly confused. Liv genuinely smiled for the first time since that morning.

  Mom leaned both elbows on the table. "What happened?"

  "I don't think she got that we broke up."

  "Yep, that sounds like trouble," Dad said. "She send you dead animals in the mail yet?"

  Liv clenched her teeth to stop from laughing. She'd bet that if her mom knew foul words in another language she'd be spewing them at Dad.

  Connor's face was a perfect picture of puzzlement. "Um, no. Do you think she's going to?"

  "No," Mom said. "He's...not helpful. Why don't you think she got it?"

  "First thing this morning she--you know--"

  "Was all over him," Liv said. "Even worse than before, and I didn't even think that was possible."

  Mom's gaze flicked rapidly between her and Connor before settling on him again. Oh yes, she had noticed the tension between them. "What did you do about it?"

  Dad's beard twitched. "Enjoy it?" he said under his breath.

  Mom and Liv had a mini explosion at him. Connor repeatedly rubbed his hand over his mouth. "Not really," he finally said, and then was quick to add, "I want her to move on, but I promised I'd still take her to Homecoming."

  "Let's back up. We need to understand why she thinks you're still together." Mom said.

  "Because he said 'take a break'." Liv made air-quotes. "Not, 'we're breaking up.'"

  "It's the same thing," Dad and Connor said at the same time.

  "It really isn't," Liv argued. "One is cooling off, the other is permanent, the end."

  Connor shook his head, as if her words hadn't made sense. "Whatever. I did say break up, but I told you, she was freaking out. But when I said take a break, she freaked out a little less."

  "You didn't stop to wonder why?" Liv said.

  "I didn't want to stop to do anything other than get out of there."

  "We've got to run when they've got the man-eating claws out, Livvy," Dad said sagely.

  Liv stared him down. "Is this really how your man-to-man discussions go?"

  "Only when the audience is so receptive."

  Both Connor and Dad laughed.

  "She told everyone you weren't broken up," Liv said. "In front of you apparently, and you didn't deny it."

  "She did?"

  "That's what Chelsea said."

  "It was..." He flushed. "It was an intense moment. I wasn't really paying attention to what Ana was saying."

  "Why was it intense?" Mom said.

  "Chelsea had just pushed me and called me an A-hole."

  "Really?" Liv gasped.

  "Anyone else hear that? Football is calling my name." Dad pounded Connor on the back. Liv wondered if that was his way of apologizing for not enjoying discussing girl troubles. "Remarkable how clearly I hear it."

  "Just eat your pot roast, dear," Mom said. "Does Chelsea have feelings for you, Connor?"

  "No. She was mad thinking I was being a player."

  "Weren't you?" Liv said.

  Irritation sparked in his eyes. "If anyone was paying attention they would have seen me trying to pull away from Ana, but her arms were wrapped tight around my neck--"

  "Fatal Attraction," Dad sang out in a creepy voice.

  When Dad got on his unserious kicks, he didn't quit until he wore Mom down to a good solid laugh. He achieved his goal.

  Mom still buried her mouth in a napkin to try to hide it. "Is taking her to Homecoming a good idea then?" She tried to get back on track again. "It might be sending mixed signals."

  "I only offered because I felt bad for her. I mean, she was crying so hard. What am I supposed to do with that? I just wanted it to stop."

  "You've got many long, miserable years of tear manipulation ahead of you if you don't get a handle on this now," Dad said. "You need to be up front, Connor. Don't let her go on thinking you've got a relationship going that isn't there. If you don't, then you'll have woman troubles, let me tell you."

  Liv smiled at her dad. "I knew if we stuck with you long enough you'd finally make sense."

  He winked.

  "What about Homecoming?" Connor said.

  Please say don't go with her. Please say it.

  "If she understands where you stand, and says she can handle it then it should be okay," Mom said. "Difficult, but it is noble of you to want to keep your engagements."

  Connor's head ducked to stare at his plate. He picked up his fork and started eating.

  The only sound was of clinking utensils, and it drove Liv crazy because she wanted to hear more, like details about what was he going to do.

  But then Dad brought up a trick play by Arkansas in 2006 that Connor somehow knew about and got just as enthused to discuss.

  Liv had absolutely no idea how they went so easily from such a serious topic to old football trick plays. Mom just smiled and shook her head.

  When dinner was over, Connor helped Liv clear the dishes and even helped wash them.

  Liv didn't feel half so uncomfortable as she had before dinner. Because Connor had talked to her parents about his problem, she had listened, when otherwise she probably wouldn't have.

  The image of them kissing had been seared into her brain all day. Now she remembered how still he'd been while Ana grinded against him. He hadn't even touched her.

  Everything made sense, and Liv immediately wondered if she'd been correct before in reading into--

  Stop! She almost slapped her hands over her ears. If only that could silence her mind. Had she learned nothing? Clearer than crystal, from now on, she reminded herself. Read into nothing!

  "You're off the hook with dress shopping," she said.

  "Why?"

  "Ana confronted me today. Going together as a group isn't a good idea."

  "What do you mean by 'confront'?"

  "She implied I caused a problem with you guys. Chelsea thinks it's my parents or something like that."

  "She did worry about them not liking her," he said. "Man, I'm sorry, Liv. I don't know why she would do that."

  Liv didn't respond. She finished the dishes and as she dried her hands, Connor stood silently watching her.

  He stopped her when she tried to walk away. His hand gently stroked down her hair. "I'll still go dress shopping with you, if you want."

  She shivered at the soft caress. "Why would you do that?"

  "Because it's something I can fix."

  She felt all sorts of flustered. "It's not a problem, if you don't go. I just thought it would be funny and helpful, because you know, you're a guy."

  "Then I'll help."

  "Why?"

  "Because I care about you."

  "Oh. Well, that's nice. Thank you." She tried to move away but he grabbed her arm.

  "Liv--"

  She pulled out of his grasp and stepped back. "I'll be honest, Connor. It really...bothered me seeing you with Ana this morning. It looked like that whole story about breaking up was a complete lie."

  He got a tense look on his face. "I told you what happened."

  "It's a little hard for me to believe. You haven't acted like you wanted to be with her for a while now, but you stayed because of the--" She lowered her voice to a whisper. "--sex. And there she was, practically offering it up in the middle of the quad. Like Dad said, you enjoyed it."

  "I didn't!"

  Liv snorted. "Right. Even I'm not that naÏve."

  When Mom came into the kitchen, Connor said, "Let's take Darcy for a walk."

  Liv didn't think that was a good idea.

  Mom apparently did. She handed the leash to Liv. "He's your dog, Liv."

  They took Darcy out.

  Connor took the leash once they were on the sidewalk. "You're right. I stayed with Ana for the reason you said." Admitting it made him feel like the biggest jerk on the planet and had him wondering anew why on earth Liv would ever want to be with him.

  "It was easy but--" The words wouldn't come. He searched for the right way to say that he realized how much he wanted her, but the t
hought of her laughing at him, of rejecting him, made him mute.

  She was the only girl he'd ever really cared about. He couldn't risk the conversation that would allow her to tell him no.

  "But, what?" she said.

  "Having her act like she did this morning made me angry. I tried to do the right thing, breaking up with her in person. I tried to do it nice, you know. Then to have her just ignore it and tell everyone it never happened? And now you're afraid to trust anything I say. Yeah, I didn't enjoy it, Liv. At all."

  She didn't say anything. As they walked without speaking, Connor wished he could put his arm around her, the way he'd done in the past, but he was almost afraid to. He didn't know what she was thinking and it was driving him crazy.

  He'd only just discovered that he wanted more than friendship with Liv. A part of him wanted to wonder if it was a passing inclination, but his mind rejected that idea with alarming intensity. He felt almost as if he'd been looking at her through frosted glass his entire life, but now the glass was shattered. He could never go back to seeing Liv any other way.

  "What did Jackson do when Ana blamed you?" he said.

  Liv still didn't look at him. "I think he was a little suspicious because I hadn't called or texted him yesterday."

  Connor cringed. His fault. On all fronts he'd caused damage. Yesterday, he would have said that's what he wanted, but today, he'd seen how much hurt his behavior caused her.

  He didn't know what he was supposed to do. Instinct was telling him to fight dirty. Do whatever needed to be done to achieve his goal. But care for her told him to keep her from being hurt.

  "I'll talk to Jackson for you," he said. "I'll tell him it was my fault." The words burned like acid. He couldn't believe he got them out.

  Liv glanced at him, clearly surprised. "But you said I should drop him."

  His shoulders sagged, like he was carrying a heavy load. "I want you to be happy."

  They'd reached her house. She paused at the door. "Thanks for the offer, but he seemed okay when he said goodbye."

  "How okay?"

  "He kissed me as he usually does." She said it almost flippantly.