The Beat and The Pulse Box Set 1

by Amity Cross

  “And that’s why I want to ask you to keep an eye out for her.”

  I drew in a deep breath. Ash asking me to watch out for Violet? Hell had frozen over and gotten ice skates.

  “She’s afraid, mostly,” Ash said. “Trust is hard for her, especially when she has to place it in a man.”

  “I get it.” I wished I didn’t have to.

  “She likes you,” he went on. “That’s the only reason I’m asking you this. Violet thinks she can handle it now that she’s had time to settle in here, but it’s not a fix.”

  “And you think I can help her with that?”

  “Could do.” He glanced over my shoulder to where I knew Andrea was running on a treadmill. “Keep an eye on that one.”

  I nodded. I’d already seen the look on her face my second morning here. It was the look chicks gave one another when they found someone sniffing around in their territory. Andrea had staked a claim over something that wasn’t hers. If anyone was taking something, it would be me, and I wasn’t grabbing anything any time soon.

  “You can trust me,” I said. I didn’t know if anything was there with Violet despite wanting it, but I wasn’t about to force her into anything she didn’t want to do. It was obvious she wasn’t ready, and I wasn’t that kind of guy. That was the only reason I’d backed out of asking her to lunch yesterday.

  “She’s stubborn as fuck,” Ash went on, practically describing himself. “She mightn’t know she can trust you, but I do.”

  Ash Fuller, fuckin’ trusting me? Strangest shit I ever saw.

  “Fuck with her and you’ll have more to worry about than a fuckin’ shoulder injury, mate.”

  Glancing up at the office window, I knew he had nothing to worry about. I’d look out for her. No problems. I’d wanted more face time with Violet and it looked like I was going to get it.

  The ultimate question was, what was I going to do with it?

  9

  Violet

  “How is the job going?”

  I sat on Dr. Ormond’s plush leather couch, my arms hugging tightly around my chest, hands jammed underneath my armpits. Textbook response to fear.

  “Okay,” I replied.

  “Just okay?” She tilted her head to the side, her lips pulling into a gentle smile. She was wearing her red-rimmed glasses today, her lips stained with crimson lipstick. “Violet?”

  “I’ve been trying,” I squeaked.

  “Trying how?”

  “I went into the kitchen. I had a coffee at work in the morning.”

  “That’s good, spending some time with your coworkers.” She smiled again, trying to reassure me. “Have you made any friends?”

  I shrugged. I wasn’t quite sure what having a friend entailed. I had Ren and Josie to an extent, but they were only there because of Ash. Were they my real friends? I guess they were.

  Squirming, I dropped my hands into my lap and began worrying the hem of my shirt. Should I tell Dr. Ormond about Lincoln? Maybe she would know what to do—it was her job.

  “You can ask me anything, Violet. You know that.”

  Damn, she knew, she always knew.

  “There’s a guy there…” I trailed off, feeling stupid for even bringing it up. He’d walked away from me, and I was blowing it out of proportion.

  “Does he work at the gym, too?”

  I nodded.

  “What’s his name?” she asked, looking pleased. “Tell me about him.”

  “Lincoln,” I whispered, my cheeks heating. Curling my fingers into tight fists, I felt that familiar ache begin to spread through my body at the thought of him. I guess that meant I liked him alright. He was getting me all worked up, and he wasn’t even in the room. “I knew him before.”

  Dr. Ormond knew before meant before the attack. “Were you close then?”

  I shook my head. “Not really. Him and his brother, they’re twins, they fought at the same gym as Ash. We were the same age, sixteen. I had a crush on him back then, but nothing ever came of it.”

  “Did you stay in touch?”

  “No. We didn’t really talk. Then…” I trailed off since she knew what happened next. It was the reason I was here every Thursday.

  “So,” Dr. Ormond murmured, “you took the job at your brother’s gym and found him working there.”

  “He’s a fighter in the AUFC,” I said. “He’s got a shoulder injury keeping him away. Ash gave him a job to tide him over.”

  “So, he’s a fighter…interesting.”

  I glanced up at her. Lincoln was a part of the world that had broken me. Was that why it was so hard? Or was it more than that?

  “Do you like him now?” she asked.

  I nodded. “He’s different. Nicer.”

  Dr. Ormond smiled. “Do you think he might like you too?”

  I raised my eyebrows and thought about it. “As friends? I guess. More than that? I don’t know.”

  “Have you thought about asking him out?”

  The question blindsided me. Coming from Dr. Ormond it seemed like the natural thing to do, just ask Lincoln out for a coffee or lunch or something, but actually doing it? Hell to the no.

  She smiled at my reaction. “Perhaps just starting to talk to him a little more is a good first step. Then, when you’re comfortable, you could ask him.”

  I glanced at my hands, my cheeks reddening. “I think he was going to ask me the other day… But…”

  “But?”

  “He knew.” My throat began to tighten, and I squeezed my eyes shut. It still stung like a bitch.

  “He knows what happened?” Dr. Ormond’s voice was low and calm, soothing.

  I nodded, sucking in a breath that shuddered with suppressed sobs. “So I can’t just ask him,” I blurted. “He knows. He looks at me differently. I didn’t understand until he told me he knew.”

  “How does he look at you, Violet?”

  I opened my eyes, a tear escaping and running down my flushed cheek. “He looks at me like I’m going to break. Like I’m a puzzle that’s too hard to solve. Like being with me would be too much trouble.”

  “You could try being honest with him,” Dr. Ormond declared. “If he’s already aware of your past, then he might be more open to talking with you about your worries.”

  I noted that she didn’t say ‘fears’. Terrifying, humiliating fears.

  I swallowed hard. Now that it was out in the open with her, I could just come out and say it. “How do you talk to a red-blooded man and tell him that you like him in a more than friends kind of way but are too afraid to let him touch you?”

  Dr. Ormond kept her face impassive, a trait that never failed to piss me off. One step forward, a gazillion steps back.

  “Take it one step at a time, Violet.”

  How did I know that would be her answer? I didn’t want to take a little step. I wanted a giant cure-all leap. Too bad one of those didn’t exist, or I’d be leaping right now.

  “I just…” I shook my head, swiping away a tear with the back of my hand. “I’m just tired of feeling this way.”

  “I know,” Dr. Ormond replied. “I know.”

  I stood in the kitchen, staring at my McCain’s Creamy Chicken Carbonara frozen meal as it rotated in the microwave.

  I was lost in my thoughts, wondering about all the things Dr. Ormond had brought up in our appointment. How does he look at you? The microwave beeped, and I took my dinner out and sat it on the bench. Pulling up a stool, I stared out across the empty kitchen, over the empty dining room and into the equally as empty lounge room. The operative word there was empty.

  Digging a fork into the pasta, I mixed the sauce around, steam billowing from the little plastic bowl. How the fuck did I let it get this bad? I was so up and down and pulled side to side, I didn’t know which way to go.

  The more I thought about it, the more my mind wandered to Lincoln. Squeezing my thighs together, I shivered despite the warmth. I was afraid of a man’s touch, but I also hadn’t touched myself since that night. I
f I couldn’t do that to myself, then how could I let someone else?

  I stared at my pasta and let the notion sink into my brain. Touching myself.

  One step at a time. It was a simple thing, yet it had never crossed my mind before. If I could do that, then maybe… I glanced around, feeling self-conscious even though I was home alone, my cheeks flaring like I was about to be caught doing something naughty. It was naughty, but it was normal right? A lot of people touched themselves.

  Leaving my dinner untouched on the kitchen counter, I went upstairs to my room and closed myself inside. Masturbation seemed like a thing to do behind closed doors, even in an empty house.

  Stripping down to my underwear, I took a deep breath. I could do this. It was just a little thing, nothing to be worried about. Lying down on the bed, I stared at the ceiling feeling awkward. Maybe if I closed my eyes… Yeah, that sounded good.

  Closing my eyes, I covered my breasts with my hands and started massaging. Okay, that kind of felt nice. Reaching behind my back, I unclasped my bra, pulled it off and repeated my movements on my bare skin. Better.

  Despite myself, I found my thoughts wandering to Lincoln and imagined my hands were his. Imagining his touch as I rolled my hard nipples between my fingers, heat spiked between my legs, and I squeezed my thighs together. I’d gotten this far, I had to keep going.

  Trailing my hands across my stomach, I let my fingers play along the material of my underwear and circled once over my clit. Instantly, I pulled back with a hiss, images of me on my knees flashing into my mind. Images from before.

  Opening my eyes, I sat up and reached for the singlet I’d slept in the night before. It was shoved underneath my pillow, and I yanked it out hastily, scolding myself. But as I pulled it over my arms, I stilled. I was still letting him win. I had to replace the images of him, the only images I knew, with something else. The more I thought about it, the more I knew this was the only way I’d be able to move forward. Erase his touch with my own, and when I was ready, erase that with the man I loved.

  Tossing the singlet aside, I lay back and closed my eyes. This time, I pushed my fingers underneath the hem of my underwear and teased lightly, testing the waters. Lincoln pressed his fingers against my clit and began circling the little ball of nerves, pleasuring, arousing…

  I delved deeper, my fingers sliding through wetness, and I stroked back and forth, my hips beginning to move. That felt really good. I pressed my palm against my clit and felt pressure begin to build inside me—a good kind of pressure. Could I go deeper?

  Lincoln eased my legs open and raised my knees. He slipped his index finger inside my opening. It felt warm and slick and not at all frightening, so I pressed deeper, imagining the things he would say to me. You feel so tight, so fucking beautiful, Violet you feel so good around me.

  I pulled my finger back and pressed in again slowly, feeling my walls pulse against my skin. When I felt bold enough, I pushed a second in with the first and set up a rhythm, in and out, riding my hand, my palm rubbing my clit back and forth.

  My breathing quickened as I moved, my body tingling, my free hand curling into the blanket below me. That’s it Violet, Lincoln urged, feel it, feel what I’m doing to you.

  “Yes.”

  I gasped as the ache flared, and I moved faster and faster, rubbing against my clit, exploring every inch with my fingers. My thighs began to clench as the sensation began to overwhelm me and I cried out. I came hard against my hand, and it felt like I was waking up. Everything came to life as the feeling ebbed through every nerve ending, and it wasn’t until it began to subside that I realized I’d had my first orgasm in years. I’d done it.

  Pulling my hand away, I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling in a brand new light.

  Holy crap. That’s what I’d been missing?

  10

  Violet

  Lincoln wasn’t at the gym on Friday.

  Just as well because I wouldn’t have had the guts to look him in the eye. Ash said something about him going for a checkup, but I was too busy thinking about my fantasy. Something had changed, something scary and unknown.

  “Vee?”

  I glanced up at Ash, who was perched on the edge of my desk with his arms folded across his chest.

  I blinked hard, trying to clear the daze. “Huh?”

  “What are you fantasizing about?”

  I paused, my eyes widening. “Nothing.”

  He laughed, and I realized that sex was something that never went over his head. He knew more than he let on, but I wasn’t telling.

  “So, you’ll be right come tomorrow?” he asked.

  That’s right, he and Ren were leaving for Thailand. When he’d stayed over on the weekend, he’d been going on and on about it, subjecting me to hours upon hours of travel plans. He was like an overexcited child on Christmas Eve. It was about time he had a break. The Underground Championship and everything he’d had to deal with to get Pulse up and running right after had taken its toll. He was a touchy asshole, but even he needed a break once in a while.

  “I’ll be okay,” I replied. “I’ve got everything under control.”

  “Good. Remember what we discussed?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Are you my dad?”

  He laughed. “Get out into the gym a bit more, squirt. Talk to the guys a little more. That was the whole point of getting a job, wasn’t it?”

  Damn, he had me there. “Yeah.”

  “Then I expect a progress report when I get back.”

  “Sure.”

  “Don’t forget I’ve got the builder coming in next week to get started on the apartment. He knows the score, so just make sure you’re around to let the guy in.”

  I nodded. “Already on the calendar.”

  “I’m glad one of us is organized to the point of obnoxiousness,” he said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

  “Don’t be a dickhead,” I retorted, trying to hide a smile.

  He watched me for a moment before saying, “I trust you, Vee.”

  Standing, I slipped my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. “I’m going to miss you, you big ape.”

  “Me too.”

  It felt strange seeing Ash and Ren off at the house and not going to the airport with them. Didn’t people usually give others a lift and wait with them until they had to go through Passport Control? They waved them off by those frosted doors at Melbourne Airport, and then they went home.

  I stood on the front doorstep as they got into a taxi and drove away with Ren hanging out the window, waving at me like a maniac. Maybe next time.

  When Monday rolled around, I went into the gym early to let the builder into the apartment. It was a middle-aged man and his tradie troop of a young apprentice and two other guys. By the time I sat at my desk, it felt oddly quiet. I mean, the place was alive with noise like usual, but Ash wasn’t there. I didn’t have a lot of time to contemplate it because he’d left me a mountain of work to do in his absence.

  I was totally engrossed in the computer, so when the door opened, I didn’t notice at first. Not until someone cleared their throat to get my attention. Jumping a mile, I clutched my hand to my heart and glanced up wildly, the chair wheeling back and my knee bashing against the edge of the desk.

  “Oh, shit, sorry.” Lincoln stood in the doorway, watching me as I rubbed my aching knee.

  “S’okay,” I mumbled. Oh fuck, I thought about him while touching myself. I was pretty sure I was flushing scarlet.

  “You okay?”

  I waved him off awkwardly, my heart beginning to slow. “You just startled me. I’m okay.” My words ran into each other as I tried to subdue the images my fantasy had conjured.

  “I just wanted to see if you needed anything,” he went on. “With Ash away and all…”

  He wanted to see if I needed help with work. I felt disappointment flare, but I kind of expected it to be nothing more than that.

  “I’m okay,” I muttered again.

  Lincoln grimac
ed, raising a hand to rub at the back of his neck. He’d done that before. Maybe it was a nervous tick he had.

  “What?” I asked, my eyes widening slightly.

  “I mean, if you need anything. Anytime…” He trailed off with a shrug.

  Confusion began to cloud my thoughts. Anytime? What, like a fucking child? Ash had said something to him even after I’d asked him not to, I was sure of it. Annoyance began to replace the confusion.

  “I’m okay,” I said more firmly.

  “Well, I’ll give you my number in case you need anything.” Lincoln grabbed a pen and scrawled on top of a Post-it note before peeling it off and sticking it to the edge of the computer screen. “Just in case.”

  I stared at the little yellow square, a little disappointed that my brother had to put the hard word on the guy to get him to give me his number…and even then it was only to ‘look out’ for me.

  “Thanks.”

  “Hey,” he said like it was an afterthought. “Did you want grab some lunch later?”

  He was asking me to lunch now? Lincoln didn’t want me like that. He’d already dismissed me and that hurt, but to sit there and have lunch with him? He was just asking because of Ash. It was my brother’s MO to make sure I was looked after, and Lincoln wanted to please him. He was his boss after all. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with what he could get out of it professionally.

  I glanced up at him and found him waiting expectantly. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit opposite him and deal with the empty hole inside my chest for a full hour. At least up here I could ignore him and the stupid feelings he’d ignited inside me.

  I shook my head. “No, thank you.”

  Something I didn’t understand flashed through his features. It was so fast I almost didn’t catch it.

  He tapped his hand on the doorframe and shrugged. “Alright.”

  Without saying anything else, he closed the door behind him softly, and I was left alone once more. Alone. It was a cruel word.