Carry Your Heart

by K. Ryan

"Hey, Iz," he drawled, one hand curling around the doorframe and those lips curving into that crooked grin.

  Talk about sensory overload.

  My eyes just didn't know where to focus first...the smooth, muscular planes of his chest, the rippled eight-pack that I had the sudden urge to run my tongue down, the black ink tattooed all the way up both taut forearms, the strong, broad set of shoulders...not to mention whatever was tucked away inside those boxers. I think my eyes might've rolled back into my head.

  Luckily for me, Caleb was too busy eradicating both the cigarette and the smoke from the room to notice the way my drool pooled into his carpet and he scrambled around the room, frantically mashing his cigarette into a nearby ashtray and waving his arms around to waft away the smoke.

  "Sorry 'bout that," Caleb called from across the room as he tossed a pile of clothes into a corner. "Aren't you supposed to be at the office right now?"

  To my dismay, he pulled a pair of black Nike shorts on as he spoke. Somewhere, an angel was sobbing. Good thing he didn't see the need to pull on a T-shirt. That really would've been a tragedy.

  "Actually..." I trailed off, holding up the over-sized letters for him to see.

  His eyebrows rose as he realized what I was holding, his eyes glimmering with excitement.

  "So big envelopes are good, right?" he murmured.

  "I hope so."

  After a moment's pause, Caleb blew out a breath and ran a nervous hand through his hair. "I take it they just came in the mail?"

  "Uh huh," I nodded. "Your mom let me take my break a little early so I could open them with you."

  His crystal-clear blue eyes widened in surprise. "Really? You haven't opened them yet?"

  "I guess it didn't feel right to open them up without you," I shrugged. "I mean, I don't think I even would've applied if you hadn't brought it up in the first place."

  Something clouded over Caleb's eyes that I couldn't quite place. If he stared at me like that any longer...I didn't know what I would do. Probably something embarrassing and humiliating.

  "Well, Jesus, Iz," Caleb called out and tugged another anxious hand through his messy hair. "Are you gonna open those or what?"

  I laughed nervously, tucking one of the envelopes underneath my arm and clutched the other in between my shaking hands. God, I felt like I was going to puke. Panic had my throat in a chokehold and now, I couldn't do it. I think I really was going to puke.

  Before I could stop myself, I shoved the letters into Caleb's chest. "I can't...I don't think I can do it. You open them. Please?"

  His fingers curled around my hand, which was still pressed into his chest, and he gently pulled it away from his skin as he slid the letters from underneath my grip. Then, his fingertips caught my hand before it fell away and he brought it up to his mouth, brushing his lips across my knuckles. As he let my fingers slip from his grasp, my heart thundered in my chest now, but not because of the impending reveal. Now, all I could think about was the heady feel of his lips on my skin.

  "Alright, Iz," he winked. "Let's see what's in these damned things, huh?"

  Taking the top letter in one hand and holding the other envelope out for me to take, he held it up for me to see. "This one's the UNC letter."

  "Okay, okay," I swallowed and blew out a deep breath as he tore it open.

  My heart stopped as I watched his eyes skim over the words and slam back up to me. His lips curled up and I knew it before I heard it: "You got in."

  I covered my mouth with a hand, a surge of frenzied disbelief rushing through me. Caleb gestured for the VCU letter in my hand with a wide smile and as I held it out to him, his hand curled around my wrist to pull me closer to him like he didn't want that much distance between us.

  A beat later, his index finger flicked underneath the envelope flap to rip it open and his eyes scanned the contents before both his arms shot up into the air in victory.

  "You're in, Iz!"

  My mouth dropped open. Everything froze and then, before I knew what I was doing, my hands shoved Caleb right in the chest.

  "Shut up!"

  His broad shoulders shook with laughter as his arms crossed over himself in self-defense when I just shoved him again.

  "Watch it!" he laughed. "Don't shoot the messenger, Iz. Come on."

  Both hands covered my mouth now and I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. I got into both schools.

  Both schools wanted me.

  Both schools thought I was good enough.

  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry just from the sheer impact of that truth. It was almost too much. Too many feels...all rushing and twisting and rolling around me at once. My knees buckled and would've sent me tumbling to the ground if not for Caleb's palms closing over my shoulders to steady me.

  "Hey," Caleb laughed. He crouched down to get a better look at me and gave my shoulders a little shake. "You alright, Iz?"

  "Yeah," I murmured. "I just can't believe I got in."

  He grinned. "I can."

  He pulled me into his chest and I leaned into his bare skin, reveling in the way it felt underneath my cheek. Feeling his strong arms enveloping and surrounding me just lifted me up and carried me away. My chin tilted just enough as I stood up on my toes to brush my lips against Caleb's. It happened so fast my mind could barely keep up and then I was on solid ground again, staring up at him as he blinked back at me in surprise.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't—"

  His touch stilled my words as both calloused hands closed around my face and his thumb brushed my cheek and then he leaned forward to press his lips into mine. It started out soft and sweet as his mouth moved over me, tasting and exploring with his hands in my hair, pulling me into him and I wrapped my arms around his neck to somehow draw him in deeper. When my lips parted, his tongue slipped through, and sent me flying into outer space.

  Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion now. The taste of his lips, mint and cigarettes, something I never thought I'd ever actually enjoy—I couldn't get enough. I just wanted more. And I took it, melding my body against his firm chest, tangling my hands in his hair, and slipping down to feel his smooth skin underneath my fingertips. I was barely aware of the fact that he was slowly but surely shuffling us backwards and right towards his bed.

  When the backs of my legs hit the edge of his bed, one of his arms wound around my waist as the other reached out to lower us down to the mattress. He groaned into my mouth and his hands were everywhere, drifting through my hair, down my back, sliding over my waist. As his body settled over me, just feeling him pressing against my thigh, so close to being where I really wanted him, but still so far away, my eyes nearly rolled back into my head.

  That's when I knew it was time to pump the brakes.

  If we kept this up, I was never getting out of this room, which might have been perfectly fine if I also didn't have to go back to the office at some point today.

  "Caleb," I murmured breathlessly, pressing my palms gently into his chest.

  He was leaving a trail of light kisses against my neck and the longer he did that, the more light-headed I felt. It would be a miracle if I'd be able to get up from this bed and not immediately fall back down from dizziness. Caleb had stolen my equilibrium right out from under me.

  "Sorry," he hummed into my skin and lifted his head. "Too fast?"

  His chest muffled my laugh.

  "No, I have to get back to work. Your mom's gonna kill me if I don't go back soon."

  He pushed himself off me and pulled me up with him. His hands trailed down my hips to rearrange my skirt and when he winked at me, I felt it right in between my legs.

  "Can't have that," Caleb smirked. "Just gimme a second to get changed and I'll go with ya."

  My eyes narrowed. "You don't have to be at work for another hour."

  "Ah," he just batted a hand in the air as he sifted through a pile of clothes with the other. "You still gotta eat lunch, don't you? Least I can do is eat with you today, seein' as how w
e're celebratin' and all."

  Celebrating what, exactly, still remained to be seen, but I was all about the celebration today.

  I watched with careful fascination as he slipped a white T-shirt over his head, kicked off his shorts right in front of me, and pulled on a pair of semi-clean work pants. After he buttoned up a blue work shirt, he reached for my hand with one arm and scooped up my art school acceptance letters with the other.

  He led me down the hallway and through the clubhouse's main floor, right past Casey, who lifted his beer bottle up to us in a silent toast with a knowing wink. If I wasn't already so off-kilter, that exchange might have made me uncomfortable, but I was too preoccupied by the feeling of my hand tucked firmly inside Caleb's much larger one to care.

  As we stepped outside into the warm, breezy sunlight, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and tucked me into his side. His lips found the side of my head and when I tilted my head up, his eyes were glittering down at me with all the happiness and excitement I was feeling too.

  We'd barely made it halfway through the parking lot when the office door slapped open to reveal Skyler, watching us with hawk-like dark eyes and just a hint of a smile crossing her face.

  "So?" she called out to us. "Are you in or what?"

  Caleb glanced down at me happily and then lifted my acceptance letters high in the air. "She's in, Ma!"

  Skyler's lips parted in elated surprise. "To both?"

  "Both!" Caleb answered for me and just tucked me in deeper underneath his shoulder.

  Pretty soon I found myself sandwiched between the two Sawyers and honestly, mosh-pit style hugging never felt so good.

  . . .

  "So, which one do you think you're gonna go to?" Caleb asked me as he swung his leg over the side of our picnic table.

  After the initial celebration, Skyler had shooed us away to finish out my lunch break, giving me a whole extra 15 minutes to boot just because she was feeling generous. So now, as I settled onto my bench, preparing to eat, I also hadn't prepared myself for how to answer that question.

  It was an inevitable one, but one I also hadn't really let myself think about for too long. And in light of what had just transpired in Caleb's dorm, my head was still strapped to that roller coaster, rolling and twisting, lucky to somehow still be on the tracks.

  "Well," I sighed. "The programs aren't all that different. I could commute to Winston-Salem no problem and still live here in Claremont, but I'd have to move to Richmond for VCU."

  He nodded carefully, like he'd weighed both statements but hadn't found them as heavy as I did. "So which one is the best?"

  "VCU is the number seven school in the country for drawing and painting programs."

  Caleb nodded again, this time a little more tightly. "What about UNC?"

  "It's the best art school in the state, definitely, but I don't think it even ranks in the top 20 in the country."

  He just lifted a shoulder, clearly having heard everything he needed to hear. "So VCU has gotta be the one then, right?"

  "But it's in Richmond, Virginia, Caleb. That's, like, five hours away from Claremont..." I trailed off, immediately struck by the weight of what that statement meant for me and maybe for us, too.

  Caleb seemed to waver for just a moment as he rubbed a hand across his mouth. Pain flashed across his face—if I blinked, I would've missed it—and then a mask not unlike the one I'd seen for the last four months slipped right back into place.

  "But it's the best one?"

  I nodded, wishing there was a way I could somehow transplant VCU to Claremont, or, at the very least, to North Carolina.

  "I mean, you deserve to go to the best school, don't you?" he went on. "Number seven in the entire country? Iz, that's a once in a lifetime opportunity you might never get again."

  "I don't know," I shrugged. "Best in the state isn't exactly anything to sniff at either."

  "Maybe not," Caleb pointed out, leaning forward on his elbows now as if that would somehow reiterate his point. "But after everything...you deserve the best, Iz. You've earned it. And there's no stoppin' you now, babe, 'cuz you made it. You're in and you can do anything. I know you can. You gotta go to VCU because you deserve to have the best of everything."

  Just because it's the best school doesn't mean it's the right school.

  Aren't you what's best for me too?

  I just can't be that far away from you.

  My thoughts raged in my head, bouncing from one side to the other, and I just couldn't make sense of all this. And I also couldn't make a rash decision based off one hot make-out session in Caleb Sawyer's dorm room at the clubhouse that might not mean anything anyways.

  I wouldn't be the girl that made this kind of life-altering decision because of a boy.

  I would be the girl that made this kind of life-altering decision because it was the right decision for me.

  I just didn't know what that decision was yet.

  So because I didn't know what else to say, I smiled softly and told him: "Thanks, Caleb."

  He grinned right back and took a healthy bite from his sandwich, but after a few chews, his expression turned more thoughtful, more somber.

  "Hey, uh, not tryin' to be a killjoy or anything, but I think we should talk about tomorrow."

  Oh right. That.

  My mom's birthday.

  Just like that, my good mood flushed down the toilet.

  "Yeah," I blew out a deep breath.

  Caleb wiped his hands on his work pants and shot me a quick smile. "I got it all worked out, okay, Iz? You don't have to do anything. I already talked to my mom and she said she could just switch your shift to Monday—"

  "No," I shook my head. "That's not gonna work. I'm the only one in the office tomorrow and you know your mom hasn't left me alone all day very often yet. I'm not switching shifts. If I wanted to be off tomorrow, I would've asked off."

  He winced and his hands jerked up in defense. "Okay, okay. Got it. Sorry, I'm just tryin' to help, Iz."

  I ran a hand over my face, wanting to punch myself. All Caleb was guilty of was having my best interest in mind as usual. Biting his head off wasn't called for.

  "I'm sorry...I know you're trying to help. It's just that if I don't work tomorrow, I'm just gonna sit in that big house all day and drive myself insane."

  He nodded slowly and chewed thoughtfully on his inside of his cheek. Even though I'd clearly thwarted his initial plans, I could already see the wheels in his head forming a new one.

  "So you go to work tomorrow," Caleb tried again, a little more hesitantly this time. "I'll be there too. When you're done at four, you just go straight to Becca's. Bring whatever you need for the night with you to work, but just go right to Becca's. You two can hang out, do whatever girls do, and then when you get that call from your dad, all you gotta do is call me. You don't have do anything else. Me and Dom got it covered tomorrow night."

  My throat tightened again for what seemed like the tenth time today, but this time, it wasn't from panic. This time, it was to keep the tears that pricked my eyes at bay. This time, it was because Caleb's words and his thoughtfulness and just the way he always seemed to know how to take care of me was too much to take.

  So, I just nodded and whispered hoarsely, "Okay."

  This boy meant more to me than I could even begin to comprehend and sooner or later, I was going to have to reconcile what that meant for the course of my life.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Birthday

  Isabelle

  I blew out a deep breath as I stared down at the pile of paperwork. With three hours left to go on my shift, it was more than likely that the pile would be sorted, signed, and dated before four, but then again, I was also moving a little slower today.

  This morning went smoothly enough and I'd been able to keep it together during lunch because Caleb dutifully distracted me, but right now, it was getting harder and harder not to think about my mom today, which would have been her birthday. Thankfully, I had the
office all to myself, so, at the very least, if I was going to wallow, I could wallow without an audience.

  Every time I closed my eyes, all the images I'd suppressed for the last 10 months came flooding back to me. Every cherished memory, every moment in the hospital I'd tried to forget—there was no stopping it now.

  My mom had never made a big deal out of her birthdays, so it was always been up to my dad and me to figure out a way to make it special. We'd surprised her on her 40th birthday by taking her on a trip to New York and other years, it was as simple as making sure we had her favorite cake and went to her favorite restaurant.

  My mom always feigned surprise, but it wasn't a secret she'd come to expect something, if not because my dad refused to let her birthday be just another day.

  But as my mind wandered to that last birthday, the one we'd had to spend in the oncology wing, my eyes fluttered shut to trap in any tears that threatened to splatter right onto my long-forgotten paperwork.

  My mom's frail, pale body had barely been able to stay upright long enough to eat the food we'd brought in and since her stomach couldn't handle much more, we'd had to take the small piece of chocolate cake back home.

  "Forget this one," my mom had whispered into my ear as I leaned down to hug her goodbye. "Just remember the good ones, okay?"

  I wanted to. I really did. But it was just so hard, as painful as it was, to not think about that last one. I couldn't close my eyes and not see my mom, bald from chemo and forcing a pained brave smile on her hollow face, trying so hard not to let us see how exhausted she was and how much of a struggle it was to even breathe.

  And now she was gone. No more birthdays. No more hellos. No more goodbyes.

  It was then that those stupid, traitorous tears slipped down my cheeks. I knew it wouldn't do me any good to sit here, when I was supposed to be working, and ruminate over everything my mom would miss, but I just couldn't help it. Birthdays, Christmases, gallery openings, my wedding someday, babies....and because I just couldn't do anything else, I whirled around in my chair to face the wall as my shoulders heaved with sobs.