Carry Your Heart

by K. Ryan

  I didn't know how long I sat there like that, quietly sobbing into my hands until I felt my chair swiveling around and rough fingertips pulling my hands away from my face. Those same fingers gently brushed some hair away from my eyes and then curved around my jaw to bring my face up.

  "Hey, Iz," Caleb's quiet voice floated around me and just like that, the tension walling up inside me began to crumble. "Just breathe, okay?"

  I inhaled shakily and when my body seemed to falter, his hand reached out to rub my back.

  "Just breathe."

  My eyes travelled up from the carpet to find Caleb level with me, crouching down so he could get a better look at me, his forehead creased with palpable worry.

  "I'm...I'm fine," I sputtered unconvincingly.

  To his credit, a quick smile crossed his lips before sliding right back into concern. He blew out a deep exhale and anxiously rubbed his hands on his denim work pants.

  "I know, Iz. I just wanted to make sure you were alright in here."

  "How did you know?"

  He shrugged as his lips twisted into a sheepish grin. "When your chair turned around, I figured somethin' was up."

  Of course he'd been keeping an eye on me. I really shouldn't have expected anything less.

  "Look, don't hit me for sayin' this, but maybe you should just take off now and head to Becca's right away. You don't have to stay here if..."

  I didn't need him to finish; it was clear what he was about to say. If it was too much. If it was too hard.

  What was I going to do if I went to Becca's right now anyways? I'd be alone until Becca got home from work and being alone right now was not a position I wanted to put myself in.

  When I started shaking my head, Caleb just exhaled exasperatedly, like he'd already expected that response.

  "I'll be okay," I tried to reassure us both with faltering confidence. "Really. I just had a bad 10 minutes here where it was hard to forget, but look, if I leave now, what am I gonna do?"

  We'd hashed this out already. I needed the normalcy today or as normal as today could be. And I absolutely needed to be around people, especially people that knew what today meant and would understand.

  "And anyways," I continued softly. "If I leave now, Skyler's going to have to come in early to close up the office and I don't want to have to deal with that today either."

  "Don't worry about my mom," Caleb shot back sharply. "I can handle it. But if you need to—"

  "I'm fine," I cut in. My fingers rested around his cheek to reassure him even further and then I quickly let my hand fall to his shoulder.

  He scrubbed a hand over his face and blew out a deep breath. "Alright, if that's what you want."

  "I've got a huge pile of paperwork here to distract me that has to be finished before I leave. It'll be fine, promise."

  He didn't look anymore confident in my words than before, but let it go. While I knew all this concern and worry was coming from a good place, bringing Caleb down with me today wasn't going to help either of us. He leaned forward and pressed a quick, tender kiss on my forehead, letting his lips linger there for a moment as his fingers tucked some hair behind my ear.

  When he finally rose back to his feet, still rubbing his hands anxiously on his pants, I was suddenly struck by the loss of that closeness. He always seemed to know exactly what to do and exactly what I needed—always able to read me so well.

  The rest of my afternoon was much more productive than my morning. With that pile of paperwork beckoning to me, I settled in and whipped through it, probably a little too quickly, but the distraction was a God-send. Once I got into work-mode, it was easier to let everything else slip away. And in about two hours, I'd completely exhausted my workload.

  That was a problem for a number of reasons, mainly that I'd probably done a half-assed job and now, I had nothing to distract me.

  So, in an effort to seek out that necessary distraction, I took a bathroom break. On my way, I squeezed past a long row of cars with various mechanics under the hoods and all the way underneath the engines and as I brushed past the Honda Caleb's head was ducked under, a greasy hand shot out to stop me.

  I'd mentally prepared myself to just pass through the garage on my way to the bathroom. We were both working and this wasn't the time or the place for...whatever this was. But when Caleb pulled me closer to him, I couldn't exactly ignore him either.

  "You okay, Iz?"

  My reassuring grin sure had gotten a lot of practice today and this time, I hoped it actually worked.

  "I'm alright. I'm just going to the bathroom. Promise," I laughed nervously, acutely aware that there were a few sets of eyes on us now.

  Great. Just what I needed today: more attention on myself.

  His thumb smoothed over my cheek and those same lips I'd just kissed yesterday curled up into a lopsided grin.

  "Okay," he grinned. "Just wanted to check."

  He winked at me as he let my hand slip through his fingers. The catcalls and whistles started just as I snuck away and closed the bathroom door behind me. Leaning back against the door, I squeezed my eyes shut and when they flicked open again, my gaze flew up to the mirror.

  The smudge was barely visible from this distance away, but it was still there. Just a tiny streak of grease across my cheek and Caleb put it there. My hand reached up to wipe it away, lingering a little too long over the skin he'd touched.

  It was official. I was pathetic.

  Last night, after we picked my dad up and got him into bed, Caleb crashed on the couch again, but that was pretty much it. We'd watched a movie, but I'd barely paid attention to any of it. Instead, I'd spent the better part of the night waiting for...something. He'd swung an arm over my shoulder and tucked me into his side, just like he'd done countless times before, his lips brushed my forehead a few times, and he'd kissed me goodnight before I went up to my bedroom.

  Part of me had wanted to pull him into my room and at the very least, spend the night curled up in my bed with him. As far as I was concerned, that seemed like a pretty good night. The other part of me was scared shitless.

  And for better or worse, that was the part that won out in the end.

  Something was happening between us.

  If I was being completely honest with myself, that something had been happening for a long time, I'd just been too scared and too stubborn to do anything about it.

  When we sat next to each other in American Lit class, the one thing I'd always been able to count on like clockwork was his low whistle and some sort of double entendre whenever I sat down. I think I'd always known that, deep down, those comments infuriated me because, even though I knew I shouldn't, I'd always secretly liked the attention from him.

  It was like I was always hyper-aware of him when he was in the room, like I could feel his presence before even making eye contact with him and there'd always been an electric charge between us. In reality, we'd been circling each other ever since I started working at the shop. Up until the moment I kissed him in his dorm yesterday, I'd always just chosen to ignore it.

  I couldn't ignore it anymore and I knew he felt it too.

  All my preconceived notions about him got tossed out the window a long time ago. Sure, he was cocky, more than a little self-absorbed, and it was no secret he'd had more than his fair share of conquests. All those girls...all that history...but if he felt the same way I felt about him...

  Whatever this was, it wasn't him rebounding. It wasn't about a whiskey-fueled hook-up in the dark.

  He was more than the cocky, panty-chasing, rough-around-the-edges biker persona he wore so well because he'd come through for me more than anyone else in my life combined. He'd stepped into the tornado that was my life and shrugged off the debris like it was nothing. He'd shouldered the burden of my dad with me and had literally forced me into realizing I'd needed help. He'd defended me and protected me. Hell, he'd even gotten into a bar brawl for me.

  And in the process, he'd become the one person in my life I co
uldn't live without and the best friend I'd ever had. I needed all of him because somehow, he'd become my partner in all this. Somehow, he made me whole.

  That last thought had me skidding to a stop.

  My mom told me once, long before she'd ever gotten sick and before I'd left for college, that love was like a puzzle. While the individual pieces themselves might not seem like part of the puzzle, it was about making all the pieces fit. It was about what made you feel like your best self. It was about what made you feel whole.

  This gut-wrenching, all-encompassing feeling like I might combust right now if he didn't feel the same way...that was love?

  As I looked at myself in the mirror now, looking for some sign of change in me, I knew, without having to look that far, that the answer was simple.

  That was absolutely what this was.

  This was love.

  I was in love with Caleb Sawyer.

  I think a part of me had always been in love with him.

  Even when he annoyed the hell out of me...maybe even because he annoyed the hell out of me. Even when we weren't friends. Even when I had to watch him drink and screw his way through a breakup because of another girl.

  I'd always loved him.

  With this truth came an overwhelming sense of peace. There were so many unknowns that should scare me, starting with his life in the club. I didn't know the first thing about how to really live in that lifestyle, how to wear it and feel comfortable in it, but I could try. With Skyler and Lexie's help, I could learn.

  Everything had changed now.

  We'd kissed. We'd gotten tangled up on his bed. He looked at me like I hung the moon and the stars. He touched me like someone might handle a rare and precious painting. His eyes lit up whenever I came into the room like it was Christmas morning, his birthday, and the day he'd take over the Horsemen all rolled into one.

  For all intents and purposes, we were already acting like a couple. The problem was that we had no boundaries, no parameters, and no conversations about what this actually was. If he wanted to continue touching me and kissing me, we needed to talk about where we stood. It was only fair.

  Given the way his last relationship ended, I couldn't blame him for being a little gunshy about starting something new. Ariel had really messed with his head and...today was Friday...which meant that in a week, Caleb's ex, the one who'd ripped his heart out and stomped on it all the way to California, was going to be back in Claremont for Dominic and Lexie's wedding weekend.

  Suddenly, as I gripped the bathroom counter, I could see with sharp clarity what I needed to do. If there was even a chance that Caleb felt even a little of what I was feeling right now, I needed to know before this Friday. I needed to know if a relationship with him was even possible before Ariel came back into town.

  All the kissing, hugging, touching...none of it mattered if Caleb didn't feel the same way and I needed to know that there was something worth fighting for. I needed to know that if it came down to it, there was a possibility he could still choose me when he faced Ariel for the first time since she left him.

  After a quick glance in the mirror to check my hair and my makeup, I pulled myself together and headed back to the office. As I weaved around the cars, my eyes scanned the room for the one person I was looking for and when I saw him, his chin lifted and his eyes sparkled.

  Yeah.

  I was totally in love with him.

  So now, as I made my way back to the office, I knew I could just sit on my hands and watch Ariel sink her claws back into Caleb or I could be proactive. There was no doubt in my mind that the second Ariel saw Caleb again, she would realize the epic mistake she'd made, if she didn't already. And I'd be an idiot to think he wouldn't at least consider it if Ariel threw herself at him at any point this upcoming weekend.

  The only way I'd even have a shot with Caleb was if I talked to him first and asked him point blank if he was serious about me. Because if I didn't sit him down and talk this out, odds were I would lose him next weekend anyways, regardless if we were still friends or not.

  I didn't have the time to ruminate over what losing him would mean for my life.

  . . .

  At 4:00 on the dot, Skyler arrived to handle the closing paperwork, unceremoniously relieving me of duty. Seeing as how she was all about micro-managing, I couldn't really blame her for not completely trusting me yet to close up shop on my own.

  With my work for the day done, I pushed through the office doors to head out into the garage. Caleb materialized at my side almost immediately and threw an arm around me, tucking me in under his shoulder.

  "Ya made it," he leaned down to whisper in my ear. "Now get outta here and go watch some movies or eat ice cream or whatever you ladies do together."

  "Oh, okay," I laughed. "I think we're having a Project Runway marathon tonight, but sure."

  "And you're gonna call me when you get there, right?"

  He was still smirking down at me, but that familiar worry crept back into his eyes.

  "Yes, Caleb," I tried to toss back. "I promise."

  He was practically pushing me towards the parking lot and I couldn't help but laugh as he playfully nudged me with his elbow. His hand rested on the small of my back as he walked me to my car, careful not to linger too long, but long enough to let me know he was still there, right by my side, giving me whatever I needed.

  As he pulled the Trans Am's driver side door open, his fingers brushed my arm, like they itched to pull me into his arms.

  I really wished he would.

  "Maybe Eli and me will stop by Becca's later?" Caleb was asking me now, a hopeful grin sliding up his lips. "I don't know if I can handle Project Runway, but maybe we'll order a pizza. Eli and me can play poker or somethin' while you ladies are gettin' your fix in, I guess. And then when you get that call, I'll already be right there. You won't even have to call me."

  I didn't know how to tell him that spending time with him tonight would be the one thing that would make me happier than anything. Time with him always seemed to do that and the more time I spent with him, the more I felt like as long as he was there, everything would always be okay.

  "I'd like that," I allowed with a soft smile and I swallowed down a flurry of butterflies when Caleb rested a hand against the door, all but boxing me in against my car. The proximity made my head spin and all I could concentrate on was that intoxicating concoction of musky shampoo and gasoline filling my senses.

  That crooked, sexy grin I loved so much curled up his mouth and I found myself wishing I could somehow get closer to him. So I did.

  "And," I reached out to take a fistful of his work shirt to bring him closer. "I think we should talk tonight."

  Might as well get the conversation started while we had the time.

  Surprise with just a hint of confusion flashed across his ocean-blue eyes and his eyebrows bent into a frown. "Talk about what?"

  Typical guy.

  Whatever would we have to talk about?

  I reached up to pat his scratchy cheek, which was in desperate need of a shave. "Oh," I laughed, arching a coy eyebrow at him and I leaned up on my tiptoes to press a light kiss into his lips. "I'm sure you can figure it out."

  Caleb's eyebrows flew into his forehead as my heels hit the pavement again, but he bounced back impressively, sliding his free hand around my waist to draw me flush against him. He wasn't fighting fair, not with his hands burning into my skin and the way he leaned in to brush his nose across my cheek.

  "Okay, babe," he grinned, his breath tickling my skin. "Let's talk tonight."

  Just as he was leaning forward again, aiming right for my lips, a voice cut through our detour into La La Land.

  "Would you two get a room already? I'm tryin' to run a professional business here, you know," Skyler called out. She was perched on the office's stoop with her hands lodged into her hips, but I still caught the amused grin on her face even from this distance away.

  "Oh yeah?" Caleb called over his shoulder,
barely sparing his mom a glance. "And yelling across the parking lot like a banshee is real professional, Ma."

  Skyler just batted a hand into the air, but she still shot me a sly wink as she turned back to the office.

  When Caleb turned his attention my way again, he grinned down at me as the hand at my waist gently nudged me into the car. "Better get on the road, babe. I'm not outta here for another hour, but I'll get my ass over to Becca's as soon as I can, a'ight?"

  I grinned back to him, feeling like I was surfing on cloud nine and riding the wave of this crazy, stupid love. That wave took me all the way out of the parking lot and straight for Becca's apartment on the other side of town. But the further I got from Caleb, the more a sick sense of dread seeped through my stomach. Even if it might have had something to do with the growing physical distance between Caleb and me, it ran deeper than that.

  With a fun night in ahead of me, I really should've just been focusing on distracting myself from the hole in my own heart, rather than anyone else's. Caleb made sure of that today.

  It stung just as much as it made my heart stutter and skip. The reality that I couldn't spend this day with my dad, that I couldn't mourn with him, cry with him, share memories with him all because Caleb just didn't trust him today—that ache throbbed almost as much as the rest of it. The other side of that, the side that illuminated just how embedded Caleb had become in my life, was more than him just not wanting me to have to see the state my dad would be in today. It was him wanting to protect me from it that flung my heart into new heights.

  It just reaffirmed what I already knew.

  The problem was that the closer I drew to Becca's apartment, the more my guilt multiplied exponentially. There were people who cared enough about me to make sure I'd be looked after today, but who was looking out for my dad? Who was going to be there for him?

  When I'd left the house this morning, I'd known I wouldn't be coming back, at least not for a few days, mainly because Caleb wanted us to keep our distance from each other for awhile to let the dust from this day settle. And while I understood where he was coming from and what he was trying to do, there was something about it that just felt wrong.