Insatiable

by Lauren Dane

He put his boots in the closet and slid off his various weapons, placing them on a shelf above the shoes. “I suppose I’ll have to break myself of that between now and the baby’s birth. Can’t have weaponry lying around for little fingers to get hold of.”

  Carina watched him as he spoke for the sake of making sounds. There was much there, lurking below the surface, so she waited for him to reveal it.

  “Are you hungry? Warm enough?” he asked as she allowed him to steer her into bed, but she grabbed him, pulling him down with her.

  “I’m glad you’re alive,” she whispered, looking up at the pale blue ceiling.

  He took her hand, her uninjured hand; the other had been broken, and she’d had severe burns on her wrist and lower arm.

  “I’m . . .” His breath choked from him, and alarmed, she rolled to face him, pressing her body to his, nearly crying when he cradled her arm with care, all while he sobbed. She didn’t know what to do. This outpouring was gut deep, and most likely decades built up. A man like him didn’t cry on a regular basis, even at horrible things, and she had no doubt after today that he’d seen more than his share of horrible things.

  The desolation in that sound, the anguish and fear, the rage, sounded as he let it all out in great, shuddering gulps. She held her own tears in check, knowing he needed her to be strong just then, to let him be the one who broke down, if only for this once.

  Some time later, he cleared his throat, dragging the back of his hand over his eyes. She’d held on to him the whole time, trying so hard with her body to tell him he wasn’t alone and she was there and alive. What they had together was there and alive.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” She kept her face buried in him, breathing him in.

  “For everything. Fuck, this is all just fucked sideways.”

  “You do have very strong shoulders,” she mused.

  He paused. “What?”

  “For all that guilt you’ve taken on. You have broad shoulders, so I suppose that must help.”

  “It’s not a joke, Carina. People are dead. My people are dead, civilians, twenty-two children who were waiting to get on a transport with their families who were emigrating to Sanctu.”

  “And so, you’re sorry.”

  He groaned.

  She leaned up, got nose to nose with him. “For saving my life today? For loving me? For saving Abbie and Roman? For getting me through Imperial territory with leagues of Skorpios at our backs? Huh? Sorry for the blaster burn on your calf? For Marame? For taking a young girl with no prospects in life out of a vermin-infested settlement on the Edge and giving her a chance to be one of the finest soldiers in your military? She told me her story, Daniel. So you tell me again, what the seven hells are you sorry for?”

  “It’s my job!” he burst out, sitting up and getting out of bed. “And I failed.”

  She sat, using the pillows behind her back for support as she watched him. “What you do is inherently dangerous! You can’t possibly blame yourself for this.”

  “Of course I can! Don’t you see, Carina? It’s my job to be sure this stuff doesn’t happen. She’s the second operative of mine to be killed on this mission. My orders brought them out, put them in danger, and I did not do my job in protecting them and now they’re dead.”

  “I’m sorry, Daniel. I’m sorry about Marame and your other friend. I’m sorry about those children and the others who were killed today. If anyone is to blame, why not me? If I hadn’t run, no one would have been after me.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “No more than what you’re saying.”

  He paused, his brow furrowed, such a fierce moment as he wrestled with logic and emotion. She hated that he thought he hadn’t done his job. She’d watched him with awe and respect since the moment he’d taken her hand and told her to run. It had been nearly fifteen standard days, and her life had been turned upside down. Her one constant, the thing that anchored her, was Daniel.

  “You’re good at your job. My father is a bad man; you’re trying to stop him for a reason. He doesn’t care that children get caught in the middle of his war. You’re not that. You could never be that. You got me here, and hopefully this information I have will help. All this will be worth something.”

  His eyes widened, and he fell to his knees next to the bed where she knelt. “Do you think this is about that?”

  “What is about what?”

  He took her upper arms and hauled her closer, this time his nose to hers. “You could have died today. If Marame hadn’t thought as fast as she had, you’d be dead. I can’t—” He shook his head.

  It washed over her then, nearly knocking her back. It wasn’t the job—though that was part of it—it was her. It was losing her that scared him so much he’d broken down and wept. She threw her arms around him, sending them both tumbling to the rug.

  “You love me.”

  He growled, sitting up and making quick work of getting her into bed again. “Stay there! You could have injured yourself just now.”

  “Again.”

  He growled again and spun away, pacing.

  “I’m not dying. Just so you know, I have far too much to do to die. Anyway, you love me.”

  “I have to leave in the morning.”

  Her grin fell away. “Why?”

  “Things are very bad. I need to head back to the Edge, just a quick trip.”

  “Someone need killing, or is there another woman you need to smuggle? If it’s the latter, I’m coming along.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

  “You have nothing to worry about in that department. One woman is more than enough worry. And to be frank, it’s rare my job entails human cargo anyway.”

  She nodded once, burning to ask more but seeing on his face that he wouldn’t tell her anyway.

  “I won’t go until I’m sure you’re all right. They’ll remove the data chip when I go in to get my scan. I’ll be as fast as I can to get back to you. Vincenz is here as well, resting. He’ll stay until I return. Perhaps longer, though he’s needed, too. He made it very clear that he wanted time with you, and I think it’s good you two will have it.”

  “At least get naked and in bed with me. Hold me so I have this until you return.”

  His face lost the tension as he moved, quick to divest himself of his clothes. She managed to get her robe off, and he helped her get beneath the blankets, sliding in with her. His heat warmed her skin, made her feel home again. She sighed, breathing him deep, risking a quick lick of the hollow of his throat.

  He started listing off all the safety features, all the procedures in place to keep her unharmed, and she didn’t interrupt. She figured it was his way of controlling what he couldn’t while he was away. She would make sure he had sex with her before he left. His cock was already beginning to show signs of life against her thigh.

  “I’m going to miss you. I don’t want you to go.” She tried not to sound whiny, but she didn’t manage it. She couldn’t get it out of her head: flying backward, Daniel yelling, watching in horror as a ball of flame hit, tossing Marame into a nearby support beam. The beam fell, white-hot, onto Carina’s arm and hand. She tried to crawl to Marame, to see if Vincenz was alive.

  “It was your voice. Today, it was your voice that kept me sane.”

  He held her tighter for a moment.

  “I didn’t know if Vincenz was alive, I didn’t think Marame was. There was all this noise, the smell”—she shuddered violently, remembering the smell of death, of burning flesh, of blood and dust—“choked me. And there was your voice, calm even as you shouted orders. I knew you’d get me out alive. I knew you were alive, and that’s all that mattered to me. I feel sort of guilty about that.”

  “It’s a thought you had after you nearly died. With the stink of death in the air. You’re allowed a selfish thought now and again.”

  “And so are you, Daniel.”

  He flinched, and she knew she’d hit home with her comment.

  Danie
l exhaled. “All I could think about was you. Even as I had to do my job, even as I gave orders and pulled people from the rubble, I was on my way to you. I shouldn’t have been. I should have trusted my men to get you out of there safely. But I had to see you, to know myself, to hold you and get you out of there.”

  It wasn’t his job to do that. He should feel guilty for it, but at the time, he didn’t. Even then, in the pale, fading light, he felt triumph that she lived even as devastation hit that he’d lost a friend like Marame.

  If he’d lost her . . . Though he knew it wasn’t something he should obsess over, he couldn’t quite let go of the fear, the fear in the pit of himself that she was dead. He’d faced his own death more times than he could count, had accepted on some level that his life was more expendable than others. But she was different. Her life wasn’t expendable, and to see her there, crawling from the chaos, pinned by a support beam that had to be pulled from her, all as he made his way over to her, trying to rein in the need to rush, to run over the dead to touch her and know she was real—it had unraveled something within him, a line he’d always held fast on: duty first.

  She changed so many things, and he wasn’t sure how to process it. He’d always had a direction, still did, but love changed things, shifted priorities.

  “I don’t want you to go.”

  Her voice was so small, lonely. He hated to go, but he had to. This target was high-profile, and he couldn’t simply hand it off to another operative. He was the best man for the job, knew all the terrain, the target, and had the best chance of success. Knowing that was academic when he cradled his heart to his body.

  “I don’t want to go either. If it could be avoided, I’d send someone else. I don’t want to leave you so soon after nearly losing you.”

  “I suppose I have to get used to it sometime. This is your job, and you’ll be leaving a lot.”

  He laughed. “You don’t sound very sincere.”

  She held on tight. “I’m working on it. Before you go”—she nuzzled his neck—“I need you.”

  “Knock it off, Carina. You’re hurt. I won’t be gone that long.”

  “Now which one of us doesn’t sound sincere?” she teased, reaching down to grab his cock.

  “You’re hurt! You could have died. Damn it.” He let go of her hand with a groan of surrender.

  “I am, and I could have. But I’m here, and I need you. I need to reconnect with you. I need to feel alive. You make me feel alive when you touch me.”

  “Your arm.”

  “Unless I’m really not catching on to how this sex thing works, you don’t put your penis in my arm.”

  He wasn’t going to push her away. She wanted those memories before he left, wanted him to have her on his skin as he went off to do whatever he needed to.

  “Please,” she said, kissing his throat.

  “You’re a menace.”

  She tried not to smile victoriously when his hand slid down her side, taking her breast into his palm.

  “I am. Apparently I need to be taken in hand.”

  He groaned again, pushing her gently onto her back. “Lie back and let me love you.” He said it softly against the hollow between her breasts. “Close your eyes.” She obeyed on a gasp as he licked and then bit a nipple.

  Behind closed eyes, her senses took over. Each touch of his fingertips, each kiss, every lick and nibble radiated through her with powerful force. That he was so incredibly gentle as he touched her brought the sting of emotion to her. A man who could easily kill with his hands but who’d never done anything but cosset, that was a man worth grabbing and never letting go of. She planned to be with this one until she ceased to draw breath.

  When he parted her legs, slipped inside her in one thrust, she gulped in air and her eyes flew open to catch his gaze lingering on her face with such intensity she felt as if she’d caught him in an intensely private moment.

  “I love you,” she said, because there was nothing else she could say with him so deep inside her, wrapped around her, filling her physically and emotionally.

  He touched his forehead to hers briefly. “I love you.”

  The sound of it, so quiet but rife with emotion, filled her, up and up, up until she felt as if she’d burst with it. She flew apart, and he rebuilt her, each stroke, each press and pull he made, his body over hers, around hers, inside hers, he was everything, and she never wanted to find a time when that wasn’t so.

  Chapter 21

  Daniel had gotten up early, before the light began to wash over the horizon. He filed his trip plan, he took care of some bribes and tributes and he began to dress. He needed to be out of there early. The earlier he went, the quicker he’d return. He needed the space to put that skin back on without her, needed to keep that Daniel away from her presence. There was no room for her, for softness and love, when he had to deal death.

  Before Carina came down, he sought Abbie out. She was where he guessed she’d be, sitting in Mercy’s kitchen, looking through a book of designs for a nursery.

  “I like that one.” He pointed.

  She leaned back into him a moment. “That one is at the top. Roman likes this one better.” She flipped through to another design, and he nodded.

  “That one is nice, too. Abigail, you’ll watch over her?”

  “Of course. I see how you look at her. Why didn’t you tell me you were in love with her?”

  “It wasn’t appropriate conversation via link, Abbie.” He shoved a hand through his hair, frustrated at not having all the words he needed.

  “When I fell in love with Roman, it was when I thought I couldn’t have him. It was the most bittersweet feeling ever. I imagine you worry about the Rank bullshit, which you do know will mean nothing to her.” She laughed. “Or me, and I’m—as Deimos said yesterday—the head bitch of House Lyons now.”

  He grinned at Roman’s oldest son’s words. “You certainly are. Just, you know, she has to make her own choices, but she’s been forced enough. I don’t want her being pushed into anything, and I’m sure the Families will start sniffing around once they all know she’s here.”

  “It’s quite a pity that you don’t know how worth loving you are.”

  “Don’t analyze me; I don’t have the patience for that now.”

  She waved him off. “I don’t care what you think you have time for.” She kissed his cheek. “Come back safe and soon.”

  “I’ll do my best. I have plenty to make me want to.”

  Abbie insisted on accompanying them to military command, where he had his scan done, and then they waited for Carina to finish with the chip extraction.

  One last hug before he left. He needed it to keep him going. “Abbie will protect you, Roman, too. My mother and sister will most likely come over before I get back. You’ll like them. Be safe, and don’t go anywhere without Ellis or Roman knowing. Andrei and Vincenz will be your guards while I’m gone.”

  “I’d rather it was you.” She looked up at him, and he kissed her forehead.

  “I’ll be back by the end of this week. Enjoy yourself, enjoy getting to know Ravena. You and Vincenz have a lot to catch up on. You’ll hardly notice I’m gone.”

  She huffed. “I want to go with you. To see you off.”

  He took her hands, kissed the tips of her fingers. “No more trips to the portal for a while, Carina. I can only take so much before my heart simply gives out.”

  “Your heart? Pfft. Daniel, I hate this,” Carina hissed at him as they began to walk down the stairs and out into the plaza. The complex looked out over the city. It was one of his very favorite spots.

  Carina hadn’t noticed much on her way there that morning, but now she took a moment to look at the city spread out all around them. It was then she realized how very small she felt.

  “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Daniel murmured as he followed her gaze.

  “I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s stunning.”

  And it was. Buildings spired up, dizzyingly high into the
air, all in multihued shades of glass. The sky above was brilliantly blue, as blue as the deepest water. It stretched on to the horizon, and she hungered to see more, to get to know Ravena so she could know more of Daniel.

  “I can’t wait to show you more of it.” He said it sweetly, but he was fully in work mode, his eyes narrowed as he took in everything around them. It was impressive the way he moved with utter confidence, as if to say to anyone even thinking about doing something bad, Think again or I will grind you into a greasy spot.

  He helped her into the conveyance where Abbie already sat with Vincenz. When Daniel stepped back, she grabbed his wrist. “Now? Already?”

  He softened his tone, leaning close so only she could hear. “Sweet, you know this is my job. I can’t turn it off, especially just now. I’ll be back, you know that.”

  She got back out of the conveyance. “Daniel, I love you. Don’t get killed.”

  He laughed and kissed her quickly. “I’ll do my best. You, too.”

  With a last touch on the back of her hand, he melted away, leaving her annoyed.

  She slid back in, this time across from Roman, with Abbie beside her and Vincenz up front in some sort of protection mode.

  “He’s the best at his job, Carina.” Abbie spoke as they finally began to move.

  She took the other woman’s measure. “I understand that. But is it too much to ask that he stay with me? He risked his life over and over to get me here.”

  Roman looked at her for some time before speaking. “He’s one of the most highly ranked officers in the military, higher than those with Family Rank. He is feared for a reason, and that reason is he’s merciless in the pursuit of the goals of this Federation. You can love him, he can love you, but he will be Daniel Haws, solider, just the same. We all have our duties.”

  “Roman, be quiet.” Abbie waved a hand at her husband as she angled herself to better see Carina. “I know he must make you feel safe. I know when I’m frightened or worried, I want Roman.” She laughed. “Or Daniel. I know this is hard for you, leaving everything you knew behind the way you did. I admire that greatly. As you may have noticed, Daniel protects people. It’s who he is. Always has been. Even when he was a small child he took care of us, of my siblings and my mother. That’s why he’s good at what he does, and that’s why you have to find a way to deal with having to share him with his work.”