Anywhere But Here

by Remmy Duchene

  Stopping for a moment, he scratched his head and closed his eyes to reel in his temper. No other man had driven him so close to madness. But Chad was no ordinary man, and coming to that realization made everything much easier.

  “Hi, Mom.” Chad’s voice wafted into the bedroom like a summer breeze. He was speaking low, so John moved a little closer to the door. “No, I’m not fine.”

  There was a pause before Chad began speaking in Marathi. Unfortunately, John didn’t understand the language, so he frowned and went to sit on the side of the bed. He contemplated for a moment but decided to go back out to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water and some cherries. By this point, Chad was on the balcony, shirtless and in deep conversation on the telephone. John watched him for a bit then went back into the bedroom.

  He didn’t bother eating or drinking the water. Suddenly he wasn’t as peckish or as thirsty as he first thought. Instead, he was hollow, sad, and angry.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “So Father goes to temple at this time,” Nimal said. “He is a creature of habit. He remains there for an hour. I believe if you are going to Anu’s place, this is the perfect window.”

  The two continued speaking, and for a while Chad stood by the window, arms folded over his chest staring out. He didn’t like the idea of John going back to Anu’s place. His mother had asked if he was uneasy because he thought John would want to go back to Anu or because it may affect John negatively. He had no answer for her question at the time of the conversation, but as he tried tuning out what was happening between the brothers behind him the response was painfully clear. Though both kept him awake for the past couple of nights, the one that was winning was his fear John would want Anu back. Disgusted with himself he hurried from the room to grab his phone and wallet.

  “Where are you going?” John asked.

  “For a walk.”

  “But Chad, Nimal…”

  Chad stepped through the door and slammed it after him. For a silent breath, he remained there, trying to catch his breath and gather his thoughts, but he couldn’t deal. Quickly, he made his way along the corridor then silently down the elevator. Walking across the lobby, he memorized each face he passed out of sheer habit before exiting into the blistering heat.

  He turned left and made his way slowly along the street. There were no sidewalks, so he spent most of the stroll zigzagging through people and carts. About a minute in, he glanced both ways then dashed across the street at a lovely looking set of small buildings with artwork on the sides.

  Eventually, he wound up sitting by himself on a beach that was deserted except for a few fishermen pulling at their net. A solitary little boy frolicked in the water, but Chad wasn’t really focusing on him. He stared into the horizon wondering if he shouldn’t just let John go now—deep down he knew he should start calling him Dilip, but that would mean it was all over. He knew things would come down to a simple decision—he’d understood that going in, but he still couldn’t stop the strength of the feelings surging through him.

  “Take me back to the hotel and make love to me one last time.”

  “It doesn’t have to be for the last time.”

  “You do not love me.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  Chad winced.

  “And if I have to move to Jaipur and sleep on your front steps until you see it, too, then so be it.”

  “You love him, don’t you?”

  Chad turned and looked up into Nimal’s face.

  “Do not look so shocked. Of course I followed you.”

  “Why?” Chad returned his eyes to the view.

  “Is it not clear? Dilip asked me to.” Nimal sat beside him. “He is worried about you, and from the looks of it he has every right to be.”

  “I just have a lot on my mind. There are so many things I have to sort through. In the end I know I must do what is right.”

  “For who?”

  “Jo—Dilip.”

  “And Dilip is a grown man. He does not need you to protect him from everything. You cannot protect him from everything. Sometimes you are going to have to know you are his lover, but certain things he must face alone. So now that you know what is on his mind, care to share what has been affecting you so deeply?”

  “You asked first if I loved John—er, Dilip.” Chad sank his fingers into the sand between his legs going past the hot upper layer before reaching cooler grains. “If I let myself think about it I would admit it. But I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because then when he chooses to remain here with his family I won’t hurt as much—that’s the plan anyway.”

  Nimal laughed softly. “For a man who is as smart as Dilip says you are, you really are an idiot.”

  “What?” Chad glared at him.

  “A broken heart is a broken heart, is a broken heart—no matter how you put it. You cannot gauge how deeply it will hurt. And even if you could there will still be scarring.” Nimal exhaled loudly. “You are a doctor, Chad. You know how wounds work. All you can do is care for it and hope the scarring will be minor.”

  “I don’t know how that works when it comes to a situation like this.”

  “It took me a second to get over my objection to Dilip’s homosexuality. Because when he came out I realized that I could either take offence to something he had no control over and lose my brother, or I could be grown up about it and show him love. There was no reason to lose my mind over who he slept with. Dilip had always been a good person—a great brother, and I knew, deep down, that would never change. So, I had to get over myself—fast.”

  “What are you saying?”

  Nimal sighed. “I am saying get over yourself. Dilip is in so deep about you he cannot think straight—hell, he realized something was bothering you and sent me to stalk you. If love is not having your baby brother stalk your lover I do not know what is.”

  Chad chuckled. “It’s not. It’s actually quite creepy when you put it that way.”

  “Creepy, sexy, tomato, tomah-to. Look, Chad, you can admit it, you know?”

  “I love him.” Chad exhaled, allowing that soft confession to hang on the air. “But it doesn’t matter. Does it?”

  “Of course it matters!” Nimal sounded incredulous. “How can you even ask that with a straight face? Love is the only thing that matters. It is the only thing that we know for sure means everything.”

  “Trust me. In this case, it doesn’t.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Once this hits the fan, even if his father gets into serious trouble he will not wish for his mother to remain here. I mean, no matter how deeply she’s involved in this. We know your father will want nothing to do with you, for he will then know you were helping Dilip with his schemes.”

  “Then what do you intend on doing?”

  “I could stay—in Sri Lanka.”

  “Like Dilip would allow that. You would not be happy here.”

  “I would have him.”

  “Yes, but we both know Dilip would not be safe here.” Nimal paused. “My father will never be prosecuted for what he has done. That is just how it works here. And most of the crimes he committed were in India, the jurisdictional repercussions and red tape would hang us. The best course of action is for Dilip to leave.”

  “Have you said this to him?”

  Nimal shook his head.

  “Don’t. This is—Dilip’s—decision.”

  “You wince every time you say his name. Why is that?”

  “He’s always been John to me,” Chad said, bowing his head. He dragged his fingers through the sand. “In my bed—um—Dilip will just take some getting used to.”

  “That is only half the truth, is it not?”

  “And what do you think the whole truth is? Since you’re so smart and all.”

  “You are afraid the moment you begin calling him by his real name you will lose him. You are terrified that Dilip is a different man than John is, and that change will break your
heart.”

  Chad said nothing.

  “I may not have known you for months, Dr. Holstrom. But I know men like you.” Nimal coughed. “You always try to do the right thing, even if the world is burning down around you. You know giving Dilip his freedom is the thing to do, and even if it kills you, you will go through with it.”

  “They say if you love someone—”

  “I call bullshit on that.”

  Chad nodded.

  Nimal cleared his throat. “Understand this. My brother is smart. He can get work anywhere he wishes. Before all of this he was receiving letters asking him to work in New Dehli. I’m certain if he played his cards right he can pick up a job in Jaipur or start a whole new career. Work is just that—work. What is more important? A career or love?”

  “Dilip is proud. He complains all the time about me paying for things. He’s not going to want this.”

  “Well, I guess we will just have to find out. Come on.” Nimal stood and brushed off his ass. “He is waiting, and I have to head back so I can prepare for classes for next week. Think about what I said, huh?”

  Chad nodded. “Thank you.”

  “Of course. You are my brother’s heart, believe it or not. I have to protect that.”

  Chad smiled and after hugging Nimal, he turned back for the hotel. His steps were quicker now. He stopped to buy some sweets from one of the vendors on the way. When he opened the door, the suite was eerily quiet. “John?”

  “I thought I would be Dilip from now on?”

  “Any doctor would tell you the safe thing is to start using your name now,” Chad said. “They would say me calling you John is hindering your recovery. That the only reason I would call you John is to keep you with me.”

  “Are we on this again?”

  Chad stopped and tilted his head. He could apologize for saying those words, but it made no sense. John wasn’t ready to be exclusively Dilip yet, and he should encourage John to use his own name. That was what any good doctor would do.

  “Stop thinking like a doctor,” John snapped. “You ceased being that the day I left the hospital, you said so yourself.”

  John folded his arms across his chest.

  “I’m doing the best I can here.”

  “Then your best sucks, Chad. It plain sucks, and I hate it.”

  Chad walked forward and extended the sweets to John. Though John looked down at the bag, he didn’t take it. Instead, he leveled pain-filled eyes to lock with Chad’s gaze. In that instant, Chad was helpless to the series of emotions surging through him. Leading the charge were love and fear. Sighing, he reached forward and caressed John’s neck. “Can’t you understand how much this hurts?”

  “Then make it stop. You have that power.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Of course it is. If Anu is alive he has not once tried finding me. Wherever he is his fear outweighs whatever he felt or feels for me, and I cannot get that from you as well. It would kill me.”

  “Dil—”

  “You promised.”

  “John,” Chad amended. “Please.”

  “You have a choice to make right now, Chad. Me or fear.”

  “I…”

  “Me or fear, Chad. I will not be made to feel alone and useless anymore. I went missing for weeks, and the only person who cared enough to search for me has been my brother.”

  Dropping the sweets to the floor, Chad stepped in, pressing John’s body to the wall. He framed John’s face with his palms and inhaled deeply.

  “It’s always you,” Chad whispered. “It will always be you.”

  “I am not going anywhere.” John leaned forward and kissed Chad’s nose. “My home is wherever you are.”

  “Can you give up your job here?”

  “What job? I am trained as a lawyer, but I do not think I could ever go back to that. My father will never be tried for anything he has done. I do not think I wish to be a part of such a machine. I was thinking perhaps I could teach—in Jaipur.”

  Chad swallowed. “Let’s figure out your family first and then we can decide what’s next.”

  “Can you make love to me now, Chad? Or are we going to keep fighting?”

  The wall Chad was trying to build around his heart crumbled then. It smashed to a million little, insignificant pieces at his feet as he took John’ s mouth roughly under his.

  Chapter Fourteen

  They tumbled through the unit to one of the bedrooms. John wasn’t sure which. All he knew was that he’d waited for Chad’s body against him for an eternity. They tugged at each other’s clothes, and by the time his back it the bed, he was naked. A tube of lube and a condom fell to the pillow beside him. Ignoring them, he reached for Chad to drag his fingers down Chad’s body, over his nipples then lower to cup his balls. Massaging with one hand, he stroked Chad’s hard dick until pre-cum dripped from the head. He caught some on a finger and brought it to his lips.

  Chad growled and eased in to kiss him. At this point their cocks rubbed hard against each other’s, and John arched into Chad’s body, loving the friction that happened between them. Chad pulled away, and kneeling over John, Chad simply stared at him. Then silently, he moved down, trailing his tongue along John’s body as he went. Even though John wasn’t sure how or why, this time when they made love, it was different. The same primal sensations rushed through him and seemed to overwhelm Chad as well. But this time, Chad’s kisses lingered longer, his fingertips burned into John’s flesh a little hotter, and the look in Chad’s eyes was a mixture of desire and sadness.

  When Chad entered him from behind, John couldn’t help letting go of all thoughts, all other emotions, and allowing Chad to be the only center he held on to. John moaned and rested his forehead into the headboard. It was amazing being ridden from behind by this force that seemed to take over every part of John’s very being.

  “Chad,” John whispered. “Chad.”

  “I’m here,” Chad replied, wrapping his arms around John.

  Their bodies rolled together, sweat mingling and breaths racing as if heading to a finish line. For the first time since they began sleeping together, they orgasmed at the same time. John couldn’t think. He merely allowed himself to enjoy Chad and everything Chad was giving him. If all went horribly wrong he probably wouldn’t be able to do this again.

  Chad shifted and brought them down to the bed.

  But John banished all thoughts of saying goodbye. For that space in time, he wrapped his arms around Chad’s neck and rested his head to Chad’s chest. For a forever, neither of them spoke, and John enjoyed the closeness, feeling Chad’s heart beat under him.

  “Were you saying goodbye?” Chad asked.

  “I do not know,” John said. “I do not wish for this to be the last time we are together. Honestly, Chad, I see the pain in your eyes of late whenever the topic comes up. I do not wish to keep seeing that when you look at me. I am sorry if I am breaking your heart, but this is something that must be done or I will never be whole again.”

  “I’m not asking you to give up your quest for normal.” Chad kissed John’s head. “I’m scared.”

  “You are my Superman. You are not afraid of anything.”

  “Superman has a weakness—two weaknesses.”

  “Oh?”

  “Lois Lane and kryptonite.” Chad’s voice cracked. “They are the two things that can bring him to his knees.”

  “And which am I for you?”

  Chad sighed and rubbed his palm up and down John’s arm. “Both.”

  “Maybe I should walk away now,” John said, lifting his head. “I never wish to be that for anyone. You are a strong man, Chad, a good man. Breaking you was never my intention even when I did not even know what my intentions were. From the moment I opened my eyes and saw your face—I felt this…”

  “This what?”

  “Peace. Even then I knew it was new, and I never wanted it to end. We are not going to argue about this anymore. I am going to figure this out, and then
we need to leave Sri Lanka.”

  “And your brother?”

  “Let me talk to him.”

  Another night happened over Negombo, another night where John remained awake long after Chad began breathing evenly beside him. This time, he sat up on the bed, curled his legs beneath him, and stared down into Chad’s face. There was a beautiful way the moon cast shadows over Chad’s face that tugged at John’s heart. Reaching down, he caressed the back of his fingers along Chad’s face, down over his shoulder and arm. Chad was perfection in his eyes. Every muscle was toned and defined.

  “I know you love me, Chad,” John said. “I feel it every time you touch me. Every time you say my name in the throes of passion, every time I touch this bracelet. Is that crazy? I do not remember ever feeling like this before. You have to understand, I do not ever want to lose this. Is that selfish?”

  He sighed and rested his body against Chad’s once more. He tossed an arm across Chad and closed his eyes.

  “I love you, Chad,” John confessed to his sleeping lover. “I love you so desperately, and I can only pray that you will admit the same to me one day.”

  After getting that off his chest, John managed to fall asleep and stayed that way until a nightmare jarred him awake. He instantly reached for his ribs expecting a jarring pain. When none came, he looked up into Chad’s worried eyes, and after a breath he dove across the small space to tangle his arms around Chad’s neck.

  “It was my father and my uncle,” John said, trembling. “They—the doctor shocked me, trying to make me straight, and my uncle and father brought me there. After a few days of it not working, they tried beating me to death. They would have succeeded, but I pretended to be dead. That was when they pushed me from the back of a moving truck.”

  “I’ll kill him.” Chad’s voice was cold and hard.

  “No, I do not wish them dead.”

  Chad released him and moved from the bed. The anger John saw in his eyes scared John. For the first time, he wondered if Chad was capable of actually killing someone.