A Corner of My Heart

by Mark Seaman

  “We were so sorry to hear of what happened to your mama and papa, and Joseph of course. You are welcome to stay with us for as long as you want, it is the least we can do.”

  A neighbour, Mrs Stein, was a teacher in a local primary school and helped me to get a part time job there looking after the children in the breaks between lessons, helping to serve the lunches and watching over them at play time, that sort of thing.

  “It’s not a lot, but it will get you started and who knows what might come from it. From little acorns mighty oak trees will grow. You will see, Ruth, my dear, one day God will put a smile back on your face.”

  I still didn’t really have a plan for my life but it was good to be surrounded by the sound of children laughing and playing together once more. I found great pleasure in watching the little ones run around the playground shrieking with glee and gaining such obvious delight from each other’s company in the secure surroundings of the school and with a freedom they would never have been afforded in Birkenau. Even as I watched this new generation of youngsters sharing food and playing happily together my mind was drawn back to the years of despair in the death camp when the only sounds to be heard from the children were their sobs and cries of misery. Even worse, when they made no sound at all, moving around like the living dead as they battled to survive, along with the rest of us, against the brutal and unforgiving regime of our Nazi oppressors. Most of the small children were exterminated on arrival at Birkenau and so to witness the simple pleasure of them playing and laughing together once more proved a joy in itself.

  It felt like such a long time ago since Joseph and I had shared the same freedom and happiness as these youngsters. It was as if we had lived another life altogether and in so many ways we had.

  I was talking to Mrs Goldblum one day expressing how happy I was living with them and working with the children but also how at some point I would need to move on.

  “You have both been so kind and I really do appreciate everything you have done for me but I think I need to look for more full-time work, especially if I am to afford somewhere of my own to live one day.”

  “Please, you don’t need to worry about leaving, my dear. As I told you when you first arrived, you are welcome to stay for as long as you like. I hope you know that?” She smiled at me. “But I also understand why you would like to make a life of your own. Now you have been working at the school for a little while, perhaps with the experience you have gained you could think about finding work at one of the big houses locally and helping to look after the children who live there. It would offer you more of the full time work you would like, and with the right employer there might also be accommodation for you as well. Many of these houses employ a live-in nanny and you could gain further experience in learning from her”

  It was a good idea and certainly one I would think about. Mrs Goldblum smiled again.

  “And as I say, my dear, if you did manage to find such employment nearby but it didn’t work out for any reason, then you would always be welcome to come back here.” I was touched by her offer.

  “Thank you, that’s very kind. You and Mr Goldblum have been very good to me.”

  I was also grateful for the fact that, happy as the Goldblum’s might be for me to stay on as part of their family, they had also recognised I would need to stand on my own two feet at some point and make my way in the world. I also didn’t want to outstay my welcome even though they had assured me otherwise. I think the other thing that concerned me was that if I didn’t move on soon my daily routine and existence would be more associated with my past than with whatever new adventures and challenges lay ahead, no matter how uncertain they might be.

  There were a number of families locally who were doing well again now the war was over and were often seeking help in the shape of reliable housekeepers and other staff to look after their children while they were out at work, or while the lady of the house entertained guests. With the prospect of a truly fresh start I followed Mrs Goldblum’s advice and applied for a number of vacancies in some of the larger houses locally. I was fortunate to gain one or two temporary positions over the next few months, working successfully for a few families and really enjoying my time with them. I learnt many new skills, both in general service and as a nanny’s assistant caring for the children of the house. I also regained much of my personal confidence after years of having all thoughts of self-worth and individual choice stripped away from me. Initially, with this new work being part time I continued to live at the Goldblum’s, saving as much as I could from my wages in the hope of eventually affording my own lodgings. After a few months I had saved enough to make the deposit for a tiny bedsit locally. I was so excited and even though it was only a small room it was still somewhere I could call my own. I was now free to enjoy the luxury of choosing whom I invited in to share my personal space. This was another indulgence I had all but forgotten after living for so long in the overcrowded and claustrophobic conditions of Birkenau where all personal choice was denied and any form of social interaction was forbidden. Being able to close my own door on the rest of the world at the end of the day was an experience I never tired of. Such a simple act of freedom, for so long denied and one that most people accepted as part of their everyday life, always felt fresh and exhilarating to me. Just being able to come and go as and when I pleased after being locked up for so many years was something I knew I would never take for granted again. How could I ever forget those endless days in the death camp when our every move was monitored and dictated by the Nazis?

  It was the late winter of 1947 that I started work for Mr and Mrs Taylor and really thought I’d landed on my feet when entering their employ. Mr Taylor was the Manager of quite a large bank in central London and very well respected by everyone in the area, both professionally and in their social circle. Mrs Taylor was a lovely lady and we got on well from our very first meeting. They invited me round for an interview after a recommendation from some friends of theirs, Mr and Mrs Blyth, who I had been working for but were now heading off to a new life in America. Mr Blyth worked in engineering and following the war he and a number of industrial managers and engineers were offered work in America as the country continued to grow in its perceived role as the “land of opportunity” for so many young families seeking to make a new life for themselves after the war years. They asked if I would like to go with them and take on the full-time roll of nanny for their two young children as they had been more than happy with my work in the time I had been with them. They also thought I deserved the promotion and might enjoy the opportunity to travel to this new and vibrant country and make a truly fresh start for myself after so many years of sadness and uncertainty. Their regular nanny who I had been assisting had decided not to go with them as she had elderly parents living nearby and didn’t want to leave them behind. It was an exciting offer and one I was truly grateful for but in the end I thanked them and said no as I had had enough of moving around myself since the war had ended and I had gained my release from Birkenau. The prospect of making a fresh start in America was of course an attractive one but I also felt, for now at least, that I wanted to be settled and remain in one place for a while. I explained this to Mrs Blyth and she said she would keep an eye out for me as to the potential for a similar role amongst her friends should one present itself.

  “You’ve proved a real treasure to us, Ruth dear, and I would be more than happy to recommend your services to any of our friends.” And so when Mrs Blyth heard that the Taylor’s were looking for a new nanny for their four year old daughter, Elizabeth, true to her word she suggested me for the position. Apparently their current nanny was seeking a return to the north of England to care for her mother who had become sick and the Taylor’s were now desperate to find the right replacement as soon as possible with the other nanny hoping to leave within a fortnight. Mrs Blyth explained this would be my first position as a full time nanny but that she had no hesitation in su
ggesting me for the post when considering the diligence and dedication I had demonstrated during my time with them.

  “You obviously have a gift for this style of work, Ruth, and as far as your care for our children is concerned, well, I think Edward and Violet would happily supply you with a glowing reference of their own if they weren’t so sad about your leaving.” She smiled at me. “You have been a real blessing to me, Ruth, both personally and in your care for my family, and I thank you for that.”

  I felt both humbled and grateful for her kind words and recommendation. Mrs Taylor was more than happy to consider me in her desire to find an alternative nanny quickly as she had recently discovered herself to be pregnant again and so her need for assistance was soon to be doubled. Mrs Blyth assured me if I presented myself well at interview the position could be mine.

  “As I said, Ruth, we are more than happy to recommend you to Helen and Robert, and I have no doubt if you demonstrate the same genuine ardour and enthusiasm for your work with them as you have done with us you will continue to do very well.”

  “Thank you, Mrs Blyth, that’s very kind of you. I will try my best to fulfil the faith you’ve shown in me, although I can’t say I am particularly looking forward to facing another interview. I still suffer with a lack of confidence in those sorts of situations. I never find it easy to talk about myself after everything that has happened over the past few years.”

  “Now don’t you worry, dear, I will speak to Helen again before you meet with her to smooth the path a little for you. She is a lovely lady and a very dear friend of mine. You just be your usual polite and delightful self and I’m sure everything will go swimmingly.”

  I tried to remember Mrs Blyth’s words of encouragement about how nice the Taylor’s were as I approached their large, black and very shiny front door, but I could still feel the butterflies of uncertainty fluttering in my stomach as I rang the bell. I stood back a little and looked up at the tall elegant building in front of me wondering how just one family could live in such a large house. After a few moments a maid opened the door. She was a young girl like myself and dressed in a black skirt and pristine white blouse. I remember thinking the collar looked so starched and stiff I could have probably cut my finger on it, none of which helped to settle my nerves. I offered her my hand as I entered which caused her to smile.

  “Household staff don’t greet each other with a handshake, and certainly not in front of Mr and Mrs Taylor. You’d be advised to remember that if you’re lucky enough to get the job.” She took my coat and showed me through to a large room that I presumed to be a library as there were shelves of books almost floor to ceiling on the walls around me.

  Mr Taylor was the first to enter and I stood fixed to the spot not daring to move in case I knocked something over. He moved towards me and as we shook hands I wished that I’d remembered to wipe mine on my jacket first as I knew it was moist with nervous perspiration. Sensing my unease he smiled and informed me that Mrs Taylor would join us shortly.

  I was immediately impressed by his air of confident authority and his smart blue pin striped suit, the jacket of which was buttoned neatly at the front. I couldn’t help but notice he was a very attractive man with dark brown eyes and a head full of jet black hair cut short and groomed immaculately. As he moved to close the door and as a way of making conversation I remarked that I had rarely seen so many books in a library before.

  Mr Taylor smiled again and informed me the room was actually his study.

  “I spend the majority of the day at the bank where the demands on my time appear never ending and fraught with activity and so I enjoy the calm this room affords me along with the peace I get in being able to work uninterrupted amongst my many reference books.” I smiled, embarrassed that I had already made a wrong assumption and not knowing what to say to in response to redeem myself. He nodded towards two comfortable looking armchairs. “Please do sit down.” I was grateful for the opportunity to rest my legs which were now beginning to shake. There followed a brief awkward silence as we sat opposite each other and with neither of us quite knowing what to say next. After what seemed like an age Mr Taylor leant forward and smiled at me again.

  “Have you had to come far?”

  “No sir, only from Mr. and Mrs Blyth’s house. They recommended I should apply for the position I believe?”

  He nodded and looked down scratching the side of his head.

  “Yes of course, how remiss of me, Helen did mention something.” He looked up at me again. “I apologise. As I said my day is taken up with so many differing responsibilities at the bank that it slipped my mind for a moment.” He paused briefly and then smiled. “That’s not to say our meeting with you is not important, it’s just that usually I leave staffing matters to my wife. She tends to run things more proficiently than I in that department.”

  I smiled back at him as best I could sensing my growing nervousness had now frozen my face into an expression of what I could only imagine must have looked like that of a grinning chimpanzee.

  “I fully understand, sir, you must be very busy. Please don’t apologise.”

  We looked at each other in silence once more, unsure again how best to continue our increasingly stilted conversation. A few moments later a palpable sense of relief swept over the two of us as the door opened and Mrs Taylor entered the room. Mr Taylor rose to his feet, clearly relieved at the arrival of his wife.

  “Ah, Helen darling, there you are. Miss Cahn and I were beginning to think you had got lost.”

  She smiled at me and rolled her eyes.

  “No you weren’t, Robert, you just don’t like having to make polite conversation or indeed any conversation if it hasn’t got something to do with the bank.” She smiled at me again. “Please forgive my husband. Like most men he feels anything to do with domestic arrangements are not of any great importance and should be dealt with by the lady of the house. That is until something goes wrong. Then he will make his views and presence felt in no uncertain terms, similar to that of a bull in a china shop I think is the phrase?” They clearly had a relaxed and happy relationship with her being able to tease him in such an open way and him readily accepting her remarks in the humorous light they were intended. She looked at him lovingly. “That’s fair, isn’t it, darling?”

  He smiled at her knowingly and reaching into his jacket pocket took out a silver cigarette case.

  I warmed to her straight away; her broad smile putting me at ease even before we had been formally introduced. She was dressed in a highly patterned and colourful sleeveless dress with a pale blue cardigan covering her shoulders. Her long blond hair was set up high and swept back to make the most of her natural beauty, and she wore just the right amount of make up to highlight her obvious good looks. She shook my hand warmly and encouraged me to sit again as I had felt myself stand automatically on her entering the room.

  “Please my dear,” she said, motioning towards the chair, “we don’t stand on ceremony around here, do we, darling?” Mrs Taylor smiled at her husband who was clearly relieved at having his wife present despite her light hearted aside regarding his ability to make small talk with their proposed new employee.

  “So darling, have you been keeping Ruth here entertained?” She laughed as he told her about my mistake in thinking his study was the library.

  “It might as well be a library, Ruth, what with so many books and the insistence on quiet whenever any of us enter his special room, especially when he is working, which I might add is something he still appears to take delight in even after a long day at the bank. Isn’t that right, darling?” Mr Taylor looked slightly less amused at her criticism of his work.

  “That’s not entirely true, my dear, I do try to spend as much time as possible with you and Elizabeth when I am at home. It’s just that we are particularly busy at the bank at this time which necessitates my having to work a little longer than we both might like
. My study here provides all the necessary detail I require, along with a little peace and quiet, as you so eloquently put it.”

  Mrs Taylor laughed.

  “Don’t be such a stuffed shirt, Robert, I was teasing you. You’ll make poor Ruth here even more nervous than she probably is already if you carry on like that.” She smiled again and winked at me.

  “We are all aware as to how busy you are in saving the nation’s finances dear and so of course appreciate the small amount of time you are able to afford us as your lowly family.” She walked over to her husband and kissed him lightly on the cheek as if to reassure him that her remarks were intended to be light hearted and not taken seriously. He smiled, first at his wife and then at me as he took a cigarette and placed it between his lips.

  “I’m sorry if I have unnerved you in any way, Miss Cahn. My wife is right of course, I do rather become preoccupied with my work at times.” I smiled back at him but didn’t really know what to say in reply and so was more than grateful when the maid, who had answered the front door, knocked and entered with a tray of tea and cake. She smiled at me as she placed the tray on a side table; her naturally bubbly character visibly lightening the atmosphere in the room.

  “Would you like me to pour the tea, Mam?” She began to take the cups and saucers from the tray and place them on the table.

  Mrs Taylor moved towards her. “No, thank you, Nelly, I’ll do that. We’ll ring if we require anything else.” Nelly turned to leave, smiling briefly at me again as she closed the door behind her.

  Mrs Taylor began to pour the tea. “Milk and sugar, Ruth?”

  “Just milk thank you.”