A Corner of My Heart

by Mark Seaman

  “Nelly is an absolute treasure, isn’t she, Robert? I don’t know where we’d be without her. She has such a wonderfully infectious smile doesn’t she dear?”

  Mr Taylor looked slightly embarrassed again, evidently unsure as to how much of a treasure Nelly actually was to the household, and clearly not aware of her smile, infectious or otherwise.

  “Yes dear, as you say an absolute treasure, I’m sure.” He lit his cigarette. “As always I am more than happy to defer to you in all matters appertaining to the day to day staffing requirements.” He nodded towards me. “I’ve already informed Miss Cahn of our differing strengths as to the domestic arrangements within the house, haven’t I, Miss Cahn?” I nodded as Mrs Taylor continued to pour the tea, glancing briefly at her husband and rolling her eyes again in mock disapproval.

  I’d never had tea in a china cup before. As I sat there allowing the hot liquid to soothe my dry and nervous throat my thoughts drifted back to the horrors of Birkenau when we would happily drink what was purported to be our tea from a rusty tin plate or battered tin mug. There were certainly never any cups, china or otherwise to be found, and even the few mugs that did exist were a sought after and much treasured rarity. I remembered one lady though who, envied by many, did manage to smuggle a real cup into the camp. She took it everywhere with her, fearing it would be stolen if she left it in her barracks. Eventually though, even this small luxury was exchanged for a crust of bread with another prisoner following her not having eaten for almost three days.

  As I watched Mrs Taylor, with her long elegant fingers and beautifully painted nails, pour the tea into the other cups from a matching china pot I thought how far I’d come in such a short period of time from those dark days spent scavenging for food and drink in the death camp. On the one hand that terrible existence seemed a dark and distant memory, and yet the reality of my time spent there was never truly far from my mind, especially when I thought about my brother and parents, along with the thousands of others who had lost their lives in that awful place.

  “Would you care for a piece of cake, Ruth? Our household cook Mrs Devlin makes wonderful cakes doesn’t she dear?”

  Mr Taylor smiled and nodded, clearly struggling with such mundane conversation.

  I looked at the freshly made Victoria sponge, which did indeed look delicious and thought once again what I would have given for such a treat just a few short years before. Even so the thought of my attempting to steady a plate of cake along with a cup and saucer whilst trying to maintain any air of self-confidence at such an important moment outweighed my genuine desire to take a piece.

  “No thank you, I’ve not long eaten,” I said, hoping they couldn’t hear the rumble from my stomach in protest to my denying it the opportunity of such a delicious looking treat. In truth I had been far too nervous to eat anything before leaving for my interview. Mr Taylor took a draw on his cigarette.

  “Tells us more about your time with the Blyth’s Miss Cahn and of your duties?”

  Before I could answer Mrs Taylor spoke up as if to reassure her husband and steer him away from this line of questioning; one that, as earlier, she had obviously already made him aware of.

  “They gave, Ruth a glowing reference dear if you remember? Dorothy especially enjoyed having her in the house. She said she was only sorry that Ruth had turned down the opportunity of discovering a new life in America with them and of making the full time position of nanny to Edward and Violet her own. Mrs Temple had already decided not to travel with them for family reasons. We spoke about that as well, dear.” Mrs Taylor smiled broadly at me. “Dorothy also said that their loss would be our gain should Ruth agree to join us here and care for Elizabeth along with the new addition to our family on its arrival.”

  I felt a little embarrassed by such a glowing reference, but equally encouraged that I had been so highly thought of by my previous employer. I hoped it would stand me in good stead should I be offered this new position with the Taylor’s, although I felt from her demeanour towards me that I could already count on Mrs Taylor’s approval. Mr Taylor looked at me for a moment as he took a long draw on his cigarette. Then exhaling a cloud of smoke he addressed his wife with a nod of his head and a smile.

  “Well that all sounds in order to me. And as you will be making the final decision as to the best for Elizabeth, my dear, I will leave you both to have a more detailed discussion about the terms of employment etc. should you decide to offer Miss Cahn the position?” He placed his cup on the table and put his cigarette out in the ashtray next to it. “And of course, presuming she decides to accept?”

  Mr Taylor got to his feet and walked towards me. I put my cup down and rose to meet him.

  “If you’ll excuse me, I have an important phone call to make. It was a pleasure meeting you, Miss Cahn, and I look forward to seeing you again soon should you and my wife come to an appropriate agreement with regards to your joining our household.” He smiled and shook my hand warmly. I felt encouraged to have come through what I had feared might be the most difficult part of my interview relatively unscathed and trusted I might experience an easier time with Mrs Taylor once her husband had left the room. He moved to his wife once more, kissing her briefly on the cheek before turning to leave. “I’ll see you later my dear and you can let me know the outcome of your conversation. Goodbye, Miss Cahn, I wish you well.”

  Mrs Taylor watched him leave before offering me another cup of tea.

  “And this time I insist on you having a piece of cake, it really is delicious.” I think she had sensed my earlier fear of embarrassment at the potential of dropping crumbs on the carpet coupled with my overriding desire to actually take her up on her offer. We exchanged pleasantries for a while as we relaxed in each others company and I became so confident in our conversation that I ended up enjoying a second slice of cake, thankfully without a crumb leaving my plate.

  After a while she moved our discussion onto the role of what might be expected of me should I be appointed as Elizabeth’s nanny, along with the formal duties both she and her husband envisaged me undertaking.

  “I understand you might feel a little nervous at the prospect of taking on the role of full time nanny with us, especially as this would be the first time you will have acted as such? But I should hasten to reassure you that Mr and Mrs Blyth have both emphasised to me that they consider you more than competent in your abilities and entirely ready to take up such a responsible position.” She paused, taking a deep breath as if deciding how best to continue. “If I’m honest with you, Ruth, I also took the opportunity of speaking with Mrs Temple their current nanny whose expertise and counsel I have sought on a number of occasions in the past with matters regarding Elizabeth. She told me that she would have no hesitation in recommending you for the post. She emphasised that, not only were you highly proficient in carrying out your official duties as far as the care of Violet and Edward were concerned but that you also displayed a natural affinity towards them as children, an attribute I also regard highly.

  “That’s very generous of them and of Mrs Temple. I’ve been very fortunate to have worked under her and to have learnt so much in the time we were together. I’ll be sorry to leave.”

  “Now as part of your employment here, should you agree to join us, and to assist in you’re ability to provide the appropriate daily care for Elizabeth we would be offering you your own room. It’s situated at the top of the house and has its own wash basin and associated facilities nearby. This will allow you, not only too fulfil your full time role as nanny to Elizabeth but also provide you with your own space in which to relax when you are not employed with any additional household duties associated with our daughter’s care.”

  “That’s very kind of you, but I do have my own accommodation elsewhere. It is local though and so wouldn’t present a problem in my performing all of the duties you’ve outlined.”

  Mrs Taylor looked at me, her face
displaying a degree of concern. “I’m sorry, Ruth, but Robert and I are very clear in what we are looking for as far as the care and well being of our daughter is concerned, and that most definitely includes her nanny living in. This is not only to meet Elizabeth’s immediate daily needs but also to provide the consistency and continuity of attention such a role demands.” There was a brief but awkward silence between us. “To be honest with you, Ruth, I am not sure how you could hope to undertake the full list of responsibilities associated with the role if you did not live in. What if Elizabeth or I were unwell, what would happen then?” She paused to allow the detail of what she had said to settle fully in my mind.

  “You must remember, Ruth, this is very much a full time position. As household nanny your new duties and hours spent here will far exceed those you have been fulfilling under Mrs Temple’s tutelage.”

  We looked at each other, both recognising perhaps that we had reached some form of impasse. After a few moments Mrs Taylor smiled. “Ruth, I do know a little of your past from conversations I have had privately with Dorothy, she told me about your difficult time during the war.” I could feel myself stiffen, not wanting to open old wounds again, especially with somebody I had only just met.

  “I really do understand your desire to have a space to call your own, along with the associated authority that such an arrangement provides, especially when considering your past.” She took my hand. “I promise Robert and I would respect your room here as very much just that, your space, and I would ask that you might feel able to trust us to honour that agreement. And, in so doing feel able to agree to meeting our request that you live here within our household, not only as part of our staff, but as time progresses we would hope, more as part of the family.”

  I hadn’t thought of myself as truly belonging anywhere since my life on Guernsey and certainly not as part of a family; yet here was someone offering me just that, a chance to belong again and encounter a depth of relationship I had all but forgotten over the past few years. I could feel tears beginning to fill my eyes as Mrs Taylor leant forward and squeezed my hand.

  “The truth is, Ruth, I need someone to help me, not only with Elizabeth but also in many other areas as the time approaches for me to deliver this new baby that I am expecting. If I am to believe Dorothy, as I do, then I can’t think of a better person to have by my side than you, so please say yes?” I swallowed hard, fighting my desire to break down and cry in the presence of such genuine affection being demonstrated towards me. I sat for a moment recalling how many times I had prayed for an opportunity to be a part of a family again, and wondered if this was indeed an answer to those prayers, it certainly appeared as such.

  “Alright, Mrs Taylor, I’ll accept your proposal and move in if that’s what you want and truly believe is for the best.” I prayed again that I was making the right decision.

  Mrs Taylor sat back in her chair, a look of relief spread across her face as she smiled at me. “Thank you so much for that, Ruth. And yes, I truly do believe you have made the right decision, not only for Robert, Elizabeth and I, but also for yourself.” She laughed, and patted her tummy. “And of course for this little one as well once he or she decides to arrive and join the rest of us in the family.”

  We continued to talk for some time about how vital she felt it was for Elizabeth to have someone she could trust to turn to when the new baby was born. How it would be my job to reassure the little girl of her mother’s continuing love despite appearing, at times, in her daughter’s eyes at least, to care more about this latest addition to the family than to her own particular needs and demands. Mrs Taylor emphasised to me again that she didn’t want me to be seen by Elizabeth simply as someone who looked after her when her mummy and daddy were either too tired or seemingly occupied with other things.

  “It’s that natural ability and affinity you possess in engaging with children that I want to encourage, Ruth. I want you to become a friend to Elizabeth, and hopefully to our next child as well every bit as much as I want you to care for them in your official role as nanny. Trust is such an important attribute in life, Ruth, and I want the children to be able to trust you every bit as much as Robert and I will be trusting you in return with their care”.

  Although I still held a few reservations about giving up my own room I also felt that, in Mrs Taylor, I had found more than just an employer, rather perhaps someone with whom I could establish genuine bonds of friendship and personal understanding. These were feelings that had been missing for so long in my life and I hoped were ones she might also envisage developing between us as well.

  Of course, no matter how well Mrs Taylor and I got on, I knew the real test would be in how I related to Elizabeth and so after finishing our tea Mrs Taylor sent Nelly to fetch the little girl and bring her to the study to meet me. Suddenly all of my new found poise and self-confidence drained rapidly away again. What if she didn’t like me or we struggled to get on? Admitting to myself I was nervous about meeting with Elizabeth was also an acknowledgement that, after spending time with Mrs Taylor, I recognised how much I now desperately wanted this job. Here I was being given not only the opportunity of promotion and regular work, work that I enjoyed, but also the chance to be a part of a loving family again. That was something I hadn’t really felt or known for almost longer than I could remember. Whilst I recognised that neither Mr nor Mrs Taylor could ever take the place of my own parents, nor Elizabeth my brother Joseph, I still felt this was a home where I might find love again and that was something I had truly missed and very much wanted back in my life once more.

  As we sat waiting for Elizabeth to arrive we talked about many different things, our conversation warm and relaxed with no hint of the awkward silences I had experienced with her husband.

  She was genuinely moved to hear about my time in Birkenau, although I didn’t go into any great detail so early on in our relationship. Her understanding and genuine sensitivity convinced me just how much I wanted to spend time with both her and her family.

  Suddenly the calm atmosphere of the study was shattered as the door opened and Elizabeth bounced into the room and ran towards her mother with all the confidence of a child clearly loved and cherished by her parents. She was a pretty little girl with long dark curls held in place by a bright red ribbon. She wore a highly patterned dress and red shoes that matched the ribbon in her hair; hair I felt I could happily spend hours brushing through as we grew to know and trust each other in the weeks and months ahead.

  Mrs Taylor introduced Elizabeth to me and, as I had done with Nelly, I held out my hand to greet her. She walked towards me, but instead of taking my hand looked me up and down, then standing right in front of me asked quizzically, “Do you like playing with dolls’ houses?” I was rendered speechless for a moment, having been caught out by the nature of both her question and her greeting. I smiled down at her. “Yes I do, I like playing with dolls houses very much, although it is quite a while since I have done it.”

  Mrs. Taylor burst out laughing. “Elizabeth, really, that’s no way to greet somebody, especially when meeting them for the first time. Now shake hands with Ruth and say hello properly.”

  Elizabeth turned confidently towards her mother. “If she is going to be my new nanny then I only want her to be here if she likes playing with my dollies and my doll’s house like my other nanny did.”

  I smiled at Mrs Taylor and then again at Elizabeth who was staring at me once more as if still unsure whether I should be treated as friend or foe?

  “I really do like playing with dolls Elizabeth, in fact when I was about your age my Daddy made me a doll’s house of my own.”

  “Really,” she said, suddenly becoming very excited. “Tell me about it, was it very big? Mine is a big one and has a red roof; did yours have a red roof?”

  I struggled for a moment trying to recall the exact detail after so many years. “Yes, I think it did have a red roof and a green fr
ont door I seem to remember as well.”

  “Mine has a black door just like Mummy’s and Daddy’s.”

  Following this slightly protracted conversation about our dolls’ houses, Elizabeth eventually asked if I would like to accompany her upstairs to see her room and her dolls house, along with her other toys.

  “I’ve got lots of dolls and I could tell you all their names if you’d like to meet them?”

  “If your mummy says it is alright,” I asked, glancing at Mrs Taylor, not quite knowing how best to answer. Elizabeth turned to her mother. “Is it alright if Ruth comes up to my room, Mummy? Please say it is.” Mrs Taylor looked at me and smiled.

  “It appears you have the royal seal of approval Ruth. Not everyone is allowed to enter Elizabeth’s room and meet with her dolls so early on in their relationship. I am presuming you would be happy to accept her invitation?”

  “Yes please, I’d love to see Elizabeth’s room.” I glanced down at the little girl before me now hopping excitedly on the spot in anticipation. “And her toys, of course. That is providing you’re happy for me to go up with her?”

  “Of course. Off you go the two of you, and play nicely, Elizabeth, we want Ruth to come again remember.” We smiled at each other as Elizabeth took my hand and tugged on it. “Come on, Ruth, let’s go.”

  With that we were released to enjoy the first of many shared adventures together as we began what was to become a very special relationship between the two of us. We quickly developed a genuine bond as I learnt to love this little girl who had been placed in my care and as she grew to trust me, not only with her well being but her innermost thoughts and secrets as well. I knew in those first few minutes we spent playing together I had found someone I could pour my heart and love into again.

  We spent more than half an hour together that first afternoon just talking and playing with her dolls house and toys. Mrs Taylor joined us for part of that time but was happy to simply watch the two of us and in how we related to each other. I didn’t feel under any pressure though, far from it, indeed Elizabeth and I became so lost in each others company we were hardly aware of her presence at times. For me especially the opportunity to play little girl games again after the recent years of darkness was something I relished and happily threw myself into. Mrs Blyth’s children were a little younger than Elizabeth and so the opportunity to engage with them in the same way and on the same level was different. Elizabeth and I got on really well and the time seemed to run away until eventually I said I ought to be leaving as I still had my duties with Mrs. Blyth to attend to. Mrs Taylor apologised.