Losing It All

by Wilde, Kati

Jenny turns to me, takes my hand before drawing me in for a tight hug, then pulling back again. Her pale green gaze searches my face. “I’m so sorry she was hurt. And so glad she’s okay.” A sudden little smile curves her lips. “And Anna says some congratulations are in order, too.”

  Throat feeling rough, I nod. “I was so damn sorry to hear about Red,” I tell her, since I haven’t seen her since it happened. “Your dad was one of the best men I’ve ever known. You all right?”

  Her smile wobbles a bit, but she nods. “I’m doing okay. And…we’ve brought you a present.”

  We. Not her and Anna. Her and Saxon. The prez is standing over by Gunner, obviously waiting for me to finish up talking to Jenny. I head over there, the prez watching me come with steel in his eyes.

  “I don’t like this shit,” he tells me with a muscle working in his jaw. “These fucking feds dragging you into this like you owe them a favor. That’s some goddamn bullshit. They want her as a witness, so they’d have done all this for her regardless—and instead they pulled you in, too. So if you want out, you say the word. We’ll get you and your woman out. And we’ll hunt down this fucker Papa with you.”

  Chest feeling real swollen, I shake my head. “If it was just bringing down Papa, maybe. But they’re going after the whole fucking Cage, all the owners. That’s a whole lotta resources they’ll be pulling in…and I’d rather spend the government’s time and money and blood than my brothers’.” My voice thickens real deep. “What I need from you is to keep my woman safe.”

  Jaw clenched, he nods. “We will, brother. And I swear to you—we won’t fuck up again. They’ll have to go through every goddamn brother to touch her.”

  I know it. And if I didn’t believe it, didn’t trust it, I wouldn’t be leaving her tomorrow. Or ever.

  Throat burning, I nod.

  “And we’ve got something else for you,” he says gruffly. “You might say it’s a present from Blowback. Because he heard they found a whole bunch of shit in the holes out behind those barns.”

  I frown. “The graves?”

  “Yeah.” He turns to Gunner, who hands him a folded leather bundle. “And apparently Creek gave him some shit about tampering with evidence, but Blowback must have had something Creek wanted real bad, because he traded for this.”

  My kutte. That burning in my throat turns into a big fucking lump when I see the vest I’ve worn since patching in. The vest that’s been like a second skin to me ever since.

  “Turn around, brother,” Saxon tells me.

  So the Hellfire Riders’ president can put it back where it belongs. The familiar weight settles on my shoulders. Straight out of a grave. Worn by a man who was all but dead not too long ago. And I sure as fuck can’t leave Maxine yet. I’ll have to wait until she wakes up again, show her this. Let her see the man who’ll be coming back to her. Let her see the man who’ll be destroying every fucker who ever hurt her.

  “All right, then.” Saxon turns me back to face him, gives me a once-over. “Looks real good.”

  Fuck yeah, it does. Looks real fucking good. I’m a sexy motherfucking beast in these colors, and Maxine’s going to cream her little hospital gown when she sees me. Just picturing it makes me grin like a jackass, and Saxon gives a short laugh before regarding me seriously again.

  “You need anything…you just say the fucking word,” he tells me.

  I just need to get this done. Then get back to the club.

  And back to Maxine.

  V

  The Club

  42

  January

  I hope this works! Gunner says he’s been leaving messages this way to tell you how I’m doing. So you probably already know that I’m at your mom and dad’s house…as you can probably also see from the room behind me. They put me in their bedroom for now, because walking up the stairs was… Well, it didn’t happen. Oh, and Daisy says hi! She loves your videos. I do, too, honestly. The way you say ‘good girl’ makes me all tingly.

  Oh, wait. Should I say that I’m tingly while I’m in your parents’ bed? That’s either really weird or really hot. So…yeah.

  Anyway! You probably know about the interviews I already did with Creek, and the sketches they made from my description of Papa. I can’t think of anything I left out…but if I do think of anything, I’ll let you know. I hope you’re safe. Gunner tells me not to worry, that you’re one tough motherfucker, and I know that. But I miss you. And… Oh shit, I’m not going to cry. I swore to myself I wouldn’t cry in these videos. So I’m going to stop now, and I’ll see you again tomorrow.

  February

  Look, I’m finally upstairs! They put me in your old bedroom…and I’m not going to lie, I’ve been going through all your stuff. Your senior yearbook photos are amazing. And I don’t believe for one second that they called you “Stone” because of football. It was probably just that “Stoned Wall” didn’t sound as good. Also I read all the things the girls wrote in your yearbook and you were such a player! So bad! I’d cry for all the hearts you broke except all those hearts were used up dotting the ‘i’ in their names.

  And Daisy says hi! I went for a walk with her today. Not very far, just to the end of the block and back. But I noticed that I had an escort who was wearing a vest just like yours. I’m guessing that was something you arranged, and thank you. I already felt safe…but that does make me feel safer. It’s you I worry about. So I hope you’re okay.

  March

  I’m going to start seeing someone. Just like you said I should. I wasn’t deliberately putting it off, but kind of waiting to see what would heal on its own, and then your mom and I were talking and she gently suggested it, too. Then she gave me the names of a few therapists who she thought would be a good fit for me. So that starts next week.

  Also I told your mom everything! I didn’t mean to. And you warned me. But it happened anyway. I didn’t give her all the sexy details but pretty much everything else. And she said that she’s more proud of you than she’s ever been. Just so you know.

  Oh, and Daisy says hi! She was just up here with me…I should have started recording then so you could see her, too. Crap. Next time. And Matt went back to work today. Maybe you already know, though. He said he’s not going to be in the field right away, so not to worry. But I still do. I miss him, and I miss you. And I’m not going to cry, so I’ll see you tomorrow.

  April

  Ooh, I got flowers delivered to me today! Aren’t they gorgeous? And they smell so good. They were sent by a mysterious handsome stranger, because there wasn’t a name on the card saying who they were from. Just someone who wrote, ‘Happy birthday, angel.’ So I think I have a secret admirer.

  I also went to lunch with Anna today, and I’m happy to report that she’s completely repressed the memory of how she saw me that first time. I like her so much. Gunner, too. And we all miss you.

  And Daisy says hi! Say hi to Daddy! Aw, that’s a good girl. Oh… Oh, wait. No, we don’t eat the pretty flowers. Oh god, hold on.

  Ah, okay—I’m back. I’m not sure if this was a birthday present, too, but I just got the message about the piece of garbage you took out. I know it wasn’t the piece of garbage that you really want to clean up, but any garbage gone is better for everyone. And I suppose it’s selfish of me to hope that you do take out the right one soon, not even because of what he did…but just so you come home.

  May

  So the other day when I mentioned looking at the veterinary programs nearby…I’ve thought about it a little more, and I think I’ll put off applying to school for another year. I’m stronger now, but some of the work will likely involve bigger animals. So I think waiting will be the right thing to do, and in the meantime, maybe just volunteer at the animal shelter or something.

  And Daisy says hi! Aw, she’s sleeping. Look at her. She gets excited whenever I take out my phone because she thinks I’m going to play one of your videos. So when I began recording, she was so disappointed that my face was on the screen instead of yours t
hat she started pouting and then went to sleep. I’ll make it up to her in a bit.

  Oh! This is also important. Since I’m getting around more easily now, Anna asked whether I wanted to move into your place. And I hope it’s okay with you, but I told her that I’d rather we get our own house. I have the money from my grandpa’s farm and all that stuff in storage, so I was thinking about looking around for a property to either rent or buy. I know that’s a big decision for one person to make for the whole team. So if you really hate the idea, will you try to let me know? Otherwise I’ll start looking for a place that will hopefully suit us both.

  June

  Daisy says hi! And look! We found a house off Newberry Road. Here’s a picture of it, if you can make any of that out…but Anna says to just tell you that it’s the old Roberts’ place. I loved all the open space inside and the yard for Daisy, and Gunner says the garage is perfect for you, so I hope you’ll like it.

  Saxon’s arranging for Hashtag to move in to the guest room downstairs, because he says you’ll trust Hashtag to keep his hands to himself. Apparently that’s an issue with some of the brothers? I haven’t noticed. They’ve all been really polite to me and no one’s ever tried anything. So Hashtag will be there every night and then I’ll have my usual rotation of escorts during the day. Plus they’re setting up a security system before they let me and Daisy move in.

  So don’t worry about whether I’ll be safe. Everyone has been taking such good care of me. I just hope that you’re okay, too.

  July

  Gunner moved in all your things from Anna’s today. I didn’t know what to do with some of it, so now you have a mancave. It’s full of boxes that you can sort through when you get back.

  And Daisy would say hi! Except she’s in your mancave sniffing all of your boxes, so I’m guessing that some of the stuff must still smell like you. Which makes me super jealous of a dog, because I sniffed some of your shirts when I was unpacking them and I didn’t smell anything.

  Oh, and there’s other exciting news. I think Gunner and Anna were holding off on announcing a date for their wedding because they weren’t sure when you’d be back, but they’ve finally settled on October. I forgot the exact day that Anna said, but I’ll get it for you next time—so even if you aren’t done, maybe take a few days leave if you can, because they want you to stand up with them as best man.

  August

  So…today is the anniversary of when Matt and I were taken, and of the day that I stopped being Maxine and became Cherry. A whole year gone by.

  And the Cage just doesn’t feel real anymore. Or the barns. Which is stupid, because every day I see the scars on my back. And I have really strong flashbacks sometimes. But most of the time, like right now…it just feels like something that I heard happen to someone else. I guess that means some of what Matt said about extreme situations is true. And that even the most extreme reactions and emotions can fade.

  If I needed an answer about how I feel about you, though…it’s still so real to me, Stone. Nothing’s faded. Instead it’s just a big ache. Like there’s a giant hole inside me where you’re supposed to be. Because I’m happy, and I’m surrounded by your family, your friends—and I love them so much now. But you’re not here, so there’s a huge part of me missing.

  And oh my god, I’m sorry. I should delete this one, because maybe it isn’t fair to dump all these feelings on you, especially if you don’t feel the same way anymore. I just want you to know that there was a point when I’d lost every bit of hope, when I didn’t even dare to hope because then everything would turn to shit, when it seemed like Papa and the others had taken everything from me. But they didn’t. So here I am…truly Maxine again. And when this is done, and you come home, I don’t want you to feel obligated or worried that I won’t be okay. If there’s one thing this year has taught me, it’s that I can survive just about anything.

  But I’m also going to warn you…if you don’t feel the same way as you did when you married me, I will chain you to our bed and rock your world until you fall in love with me again.

  September

  Okay, so…I don’t know why I haven’t done this before. Maybe it’s because I was at your mom’s house for so long and that would have been awkward. But now we’ve got our own place and lookie here! I got a new toy! This part right here is supposed to suck on my clit while this other part is supposed to vibrate my G-spot, so I’m going to pretend this is your tongue and your fingers.

  So, um. Let’s do this. I don’t think this other part can go in until I’m wet, so I’ll start with the clit sucker. Whoa, that’s a bad angle for the camera. Yikes. That is not sexy, either. Oh god, how do people do this? I think I’ll just hold the camera pointed at my face, because otherwise I’m not coordinated enough for this.

  Now I’m supposed to press this button until it starts… Oh. Oh. Oh my god. This was the best idea ever. Oh shit. Sorry, I just dropped the phone on my face. But oh my god, Stone. I should have been doing this every day. It’s not at all like your tongue but it’s… Mmmmm. So I’m going to close my eyes and pretend you’ve got me all tied up and you’re sucking on my clit. Holy shit, it feels so good. Oh god. And then you’re like ‘Open your legs real wide, girl’ and I fight because I know you’re about to hold me down and fuck me with your big cock and make me come and oh my god you’re still sucking my clit and this is so—

  Oh shit. Daisy, no! Off the bed—it’s not a toy for you! No! Give it back! Oh my god, shit. Hahaha, oh my god. Oh, Daisy…oh no. That’s a lot of slobber. No, that’s okay, girl. I don’t want it back now, just let me turn it off first. Yes, you’re still a good girl. It’s okay. You’re such a good girl. It’s Mommy’s fault because I didn’t close the bedroom door all the way.

  Um, okay. I’m back. So…that was fun.

  And Daisy says hi.

  October

  I just got back home after taste-testing so much wedding cake at our girls’ night. And I had some champagne, too. But don’t worry, because Lily brought me home. Should I call her Lily or Zoomie when I’m talking to you? Also Jenny told me the story of how you once set your dick on fire at a party and you would have been a legend except the stench of singed pubic hair made everyone gag and bail.

  And— Oh my god. That made me laugh when she was telling it, but now that I’m thinking about it again… I’m begging you, please please please don’t ever risk your beautiful cock again. I need that cock.

  Oh hey, Hashtag! Wait, where are you going? Hold on a sec, Stone. Hashtag just came into the kitchen and then left again without saying anything. Hey! I brought some cake for you! Do you want to say hi to Stone?

  He doesn’t want to say hi. I guess bikers are too manly and tough for that. Instead you all just punch each other hello. But Daisy wants to say hi! Come here, girl, and say hi to Daddy! Do we miss him? Do we miss him? Yes, we do. We love him so much. You’re such a sweetheart. Yes, I’ll let you out.

  So…Anna was asking if I know whether you’ll make it to the wedding, and I told her that I haven’t heard from you yet. But I really hope you can come. And today I was thinking about how long it’s been since you sent a garbage update. For a while there were so many, it seemed like most of the trash must be gone. Except that one.

  I really hope you get him soon.

  43

  Maxine

  “It doesn’t look like Hashtag is back yet,” Jenny says when she pulls into my driveway.

  “It’s okay,” I tell her, gathering up my purse and turning to glance through the rear window of her pickup. Two Hellfire Riders have tailed us from her house, where we’ve been putting together the last of the decorations before tonight’s rehearsal and dinner. “They’ll hang out until he gets here.”

  Picasso and Beaver again today, but after all these months, I think every club member has been rotated in a few times to serve as my bodyguard. Even Saxon. But some are scheduled in more often than others. I’m a little surprised that they’re still so good-natured about it, but if
any have been complaining or impatient for the guard duty to end, they never let me see it.

  “Thank you so much for your help! And I’ll see you tonight,” Jenny says, then laughs and shakes her head. “We’ll see if we can pull this off.”

  “It’ll be amazing,” I tell her. She’s put so much work into Anna’s wedding, there’s no way it wouldn’t be.

  I head into the house, where Daisy greets me with wild kisses and her tail wagging her entire body. I grin, kissing her back before letting her out. As soon as she’s back inside, I’ll play one of Stone’s videos for her…and for me. They’re the best part of every day—several times a day—when Daisy and I listen to him say she’s such a good girl.

  Because aside from a few brief messages—and the flowers for my birthday—I haven’t heard anything else. Just a “We got Caballo.” Or “We got the Greek.” Stable owners who weren’t Papa. There have been six so far. But it’s been a while since more names have come.

  But it’s got to be soon. It has to be.

  I let Daisy inside again and we head to the kitchen at the back of the house, where she goes wild and dances happily while Stone’s deep voice rumbles from my phone. Maybe I spoil her a bit when I play it a second and third time. But she’s so cute she deserves to be spoiled.

  Especially cute is how she pouts when it’s done, heading over to her favorite bed, and curling up in the late afternoon sunlight that streams through the patio door.

  Then it’s my turn. After so many months, it seems like I’d run out of things to say every day. But the truth is…I’m constantly stopping myself from saying too much. Because this is hard enough for both of us. Stone knows that I miss him. So if every day was just me pouring out my heart, all it would do is lay a heavier burden on him.