Their Meant-to-Be Baby

by Caroline Anderson

  ‘Have you ever sailed?’

  She laughed. ‘When? I lived in London, in a succession of foster homes or children’s homes. The longest I was anywhere was five years, and then it all went horribly wrong. Life as a looked-after child isn’t a bed of roses, Sam.’

  ‘No, I’m sure it isn’t. I’m sorry. I wasn’t really implying that. I just wondered if you’d been out in a sailing boat since you’d been here, as you love the sea so much.’

  She shook her head. ‘No. I don’t really know anybody who sails.’

  ‘Well, you do now. When I get the boat fixed, I’ll have to take you out in her.’

  ‘Why are they always female?’ she asked curiously, strolling along beside him with his arm brushing hers, the slight jostle of it against her anchoring her somehow.

  He chuckled. ‘I have no idea. It stems from the Mediterranean languages where inanimate objects have a gender, but boats can be a little capricious and unpredictable, so it’s probably appropriate.’

  ‘What are you saying?’ she asked, joining in his laughter, and he slung his arm around her shoulders and hugged her up against his side, flooding her with warmth.

  ‘Present company excepted, of course.’ He looked down at her, pausing to brush a swift, light-as-a-feather kiss against her lips. ‘Feeling better?’

  ‘Mmm. A bit. It was just a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, really, the scan. Seeing it there, so real—I think I’d been fooling myself, really, until that moment. It hadn’t really sunk in.’

  ‘No. I know what you mean. It did make it suddenly very real, didn’t it? Real, and utterly amazing. Awe-inspiring, really, the start of a life, of a new, tiny little person. And it’s ours, Kate. Some of you, some of me, and yet utterly unique. That’s just incredible. The most amazing thing we can ever do in our lives.’

  He turned her towards him and cupped her shoulders in his hands, his eyes serious suddenly.

  ‘It will be all right, Kate. Together, we’ll make it all right.’

  He bent his head, touching his lips to hers again, but slowly this time, a tender, gentle kiss that felt like a promise. Then he drew her up against him and held her there, his chin resting on her head, her ear against his chest so she could hear the steady thud of his heart against his ribs, solid and reassuring.

  And somewhere deep inside her, a tiny ember of hope began to flicker into life...

  * * *

  They turned back then, his arm still round her shoulders, his heart feeling lighter because something had happened in that moment when he’d kissed her and held her.

  He couldn’t define it, but he knew it was there, and it gave him a little more confidence in his ability to pull this off.

  ‘It’s just gorgeous here, isn’t it?’ he murmured as they strolled back up the track towards the cottage. ‘The sea on one side, the marshes on the other, but it’s this side that’s got the best view, especially in the evening with the birds coming in to roost in the reed beds. I could sit on the veranda for hours watching it. I can’t imagine why James and Connie want to leave.’

  ‘No, nor can I. If I lived here I don’t think I could bring myself to go to work, never mind move!’

  He chuckled, then let out a tired sigh. ‘I just have to get that blasted boat off the drive so they can sell it. And they went to look at a house yesterday, so the pressure’s on a bit.’

  She turned her head, following the direction of his gaze, and her eyes widened. ‘That’s your boat? Crumbs. I thought it was much smaller than that! I thought that must be someone else’s.’

  ‘Nope. That’s the offending article, all twenty-nine feet of her.’ They walked up beside it, standing underneath the stern high above them on the cradle, the keel propped on baulks of timber.

  ‘Gosh. I can see what they mean. It’s really—’

  ‘An eyesore?’

  She laughed softly. ‘Well, you said it, but it’s not going to set the house off very well, is it, when they try and market it, so what will you do? What can you do with it?’

  He shrugged. ‘Sell it? Move it? I don’t know. It all depends if they’ve got room in the boatyard. Otherwise it’ll have to go. I’m sure I can find a buyer.’

  ‘But you really wanted it, Sam.’

  ‘It’s just a sentimental attachment to my youth, to a time before everything got too complicated. And I miss sailing.’

  ‘So keep it.’

  He gave a short huff of laughter and turned to her, taking her hands in his. ‘I want to, but realistically, when the baby comes, what time will I have to work on it? I’ve said I’ll be there for you, and I mean it, Kate. And I’m not just going to pay lip service to it, I intend to be hands-on on a daily basis.’

  ‘If I keep it,’ she said, and the bottom dropped out of his stomach.

  ‘Kate—please. Don’t do that. Even if you decide you can’t cope with motherhood, please, don’t do that. Let me bring the baby up. I can do it. I can get help. I’ll find a way. Just—please, don’t...’

  She swallowed hard and looked away.

  ‘I don’t know if I could, anyway. Not now I’ve seen that brave little heart beating.’

  ‘Then don’t, because there’s no going back. Go through with it, give it and us a chance. Please?’

  She hesitated for an age while he held his breath, and then she nodded slowly.

  ‘OK,’ she said, and he exhaled sharply and dragged her into his arms, crushing her against his chest.

  ‘Thank you,’ he whispered, his voice ragged, his chest heaving with an emotion he couldn’t control, and he felt her arms slide round him and hug him back.

  He held her for an age, then gradually, as his heart slowed and the world settled back onto an even keel, he released his grip and stood back, staring down into her eyes and smiling.

  ‘Thank you,’ he said again, and she bit her lips and blinked hard.

  ‘I can’t do it without you, Sam.’

  ‘I know,’ he said, his voice firming now. ‘I know you can’t, but you won’t have to.’

  ‘You’ve said that already.’

  ‘And I meant it, and I’ll say it again and again if it helps you to believe in me.’

  ‘I believe in you. It’s me I have trouble with.’

  ‘Don’t. Don’t, because I believe in you. You’re a good woman, Kate, and you’ll be a good mother.’

  ‘I wish I had your confidence.’

  He hugged her again, pressing a kiss to her hair, holding her close. ‘It’ll come, you’ll see.’ He looked down into her eyes and smiled. ‘I’m starving, and I’m sure you are. Shall we try the pub for lunch?’

  ‘Do they do fish and chips?’

  He laughed, the weight of the world suddenly off his shoulders.

  ‘I’m almost certain they do fish and chips,’ he said, and, hugging her gently, he wheeled them round and headed back towards the pub.

  CHAPTER SIX

  THE PUB HADN’T started serving lunch when they got there, so they sat outside in the unseasonably lovely sunshine, sipping fizzy water with ice and lemon and watching the world go by.

  There were children crabbing off the little jetty by the ferry, an elderly couple sharing a pot of mussels from the hut, the odd car coming or going from the boatyard, but it was still early in the season so for the most part they were on their own.

  Kate turned her face up to the sun, listened to the keening of the gulls and felt the tension inside her ease a little.

  ‘It’s so peaceful here. My flat’s right in the thick of it—I can hear the ambulance sirens going, the drone of traffic, the dogs over the road barking constantly, people yelling to each other and laughing when they come out of the pubs—sometimes it’s hard to get to sleep it’s so noisy. And it doesn’t help that it’s just single glazed, wi
th that thin old Victorian glass and rattling sash windows that let in every bit of passing breeze.’

  He laughed, his eyes crinkling with wry amusement. ‘You’re really selling it to me,’ he said drily. ‘Considering I was going to suggest that I move in with you, you might need to do a better job.’

  She stared at him, slightly taken aback by that coming out of nowhere. ‘You want to move in?’

  His brows pleated. ‘Well—yes. If we’re going to do this together, don’t you think we should start as we mean to go on? It’s not as if we need to take it slow in case it doesn’t work. We have to make it work. We have to build trust, and learn to compromise and accommodate each other’s needs. And no, it probably won’t be easy, but it’s going to have to happen if we want to make this work, and it’s better we do it before the baby comes.’

  She could feel her heart racing, fluttering against her ribs like a caged bird. ‘Oh. I thought we’d do that after I have the baby.’

  ‘Why wait? Since it’s going to happen, why not just get on with it?’

  Because she wasn’t ready? Because she wasn’t sure she could keep her emotional distance from him and preserve what was left of her sanity if he was there all the time, day and night, by her side?

  ‘I’m not sleeping with you,’ she said bluntly. ‘Not until I’m sure it’s working.’

  He let out a soft huff of laughter. ‘That again? And I haven’t asked you to, Kate, but it’s up to you. It’s not exactly unprecedented, it’s how we ended up where we are now, but if that’s where it took us...’

  She felt his hand cover hers, pick it up, turn it over. Felt the soft graze of stubble, the touch of his lips against her palm, and his fingers folding hers up, closing them over the kiss as if to keep it safe.

  ‘Would it be so bad?’ he asked, and she felt her pulse quicken.

  Bad? Hardly. But—sensible?

  She retrieved her hand, folded it in her lap with the other one to keep it out of trouble. ‘No, of course not, but that doesn’t make it a good idea. Not until we’re sure we can make it work—and I have warned you, I’m a nightmare to live with.’

  She felt him sigh. ‘Maybe you’re right, maybe we should take it slow. There’s no hurry, after all.’

  She felt the sink of disappointment, and told herself not to be ridiculous.

  ‘I just—I don’t think we should take anything for granted. I want to tread carefully, not make any more mistakes. My life’s littered with them, and yes, it would be amazing if we got on and it was all dead easy and we can live together in blissful harmony, but I gave up believing in happy ever after a long time ago, Sam, and I still can’t really believe we’re actually going through with it.’

  ‘No, nor can I, but I can’t tell you how relieved I am that we are. I know that must have taken a lot of courage.’

  She shook her head slowly. ‘I was just scared, Sam. I am scared. I was only thinking about protecting the baby from the hell I went through as a child. I couldn’t bear that on my conscience.’

  A tear trickled down her cheek, and he wiped it gently away with his thumb. ‘You won’t have it on your conscience, Kate, because there’s no way that’s going to happen to our baby, I promise. It’s going to have a stable home, with two parents who love it and care for it. And, yes, things will go wrong from time to time, and it will be hurt, but that’s life, and life hurts. Even when it’s perfect, it can hurt. It can hurt like hell. But you get up, and you dust yourself off, and you move on and find a new way forward. And that’s what we have to do, starting right now. And learning how to share a home is a good first step.’

  She looked at him, at those magnetic blue eyes, so serious now, so intent, so focused on keeping her and her baby safe, and she nodded and leant in to kiss him.

  It was a chaste kiss, not quite fleeting but not lingering either, and before she gave in to temptation she pulled away again and smiled wryly.

  ‘Can we have lunch first, before you move in? I’m starving.’

  After a startled second he began to laugh, and slinging his arm round her shoulders, he hugged her close. ‘Yes, you crazy girl, we can have lunch first. And there’s no hurry, I can stay with James and Connie as long as I want. Come on, let’s go in and find a table by the window. I know you like something other than me to look at.’

  It wasn’t true. She could look at him all day without getting bored, but she wasn’t going to tell him that. Not if their idea of a hands-off getting-to-know-each-other period was going to stand the vaguest chance of working. And as her lips were still tingling from the most innocent kiss on record, she was pretty sure the idea was doomed.

  * * *

  He caught James on the way in that evening.

  He’d dropped Kate home because she said she needed to go shopping, and he’d spent an hour or two on the boat to keep himself busy so Connie wouldn’t be tempted to waylay him with coffee when she got back, but she just smiled up at him, the baby on her hip, the dog sniffing round the bottom of the ladder in the curls of stripped-off old paint, and told him to crack on.

  ‘Just so you know, we want that house we saw yesterday and the agent’s coming tomorrow to value this one, so I’m really going to have to nag you about that heap,’ she said cheerfully, and he went back to the paint stripping without bothering to tell her that there wasn’t a hope in hell of him getting the boat finished and off the drive for months, let alone the sort of timeframe she had in mind.

  He was still up the ladder two hours later when James pulled his car in across the back of Connie’s, and he turned off the blowtorch and climbed down.

  ‘Nice to see you hard at work, but don’t stop on my account,’ James said, giving the boat a jaundiced look.

  He gave James a wry grin. ‘Et tu, Brute? Look, are you in later this evening? There’s something I need to talk to you about.’

  ‘Yes, of course. We want to talk to you, too. Join us for dinner?’

  ‘No, thanks, Kate’s cooking,’ he said, wondering what it was they wanted to talk about. The boat, probably. Almost inevitably. ‘I was thinking of later, after you’ve put Joseph to bed and finished eating. And I’d like to bring Kate, if that’s OK.’

  James opened his mouth, scanned Sam’s face and shut it.

  ‘Eight thirty? We should be done by then.’

  Sam nodded, cleared up the tools and headed for the shower. He wasn’t looking forward to this, but as his boss as well as a friend, James had to know what was going on. Whatever James and Connie wanted to say to him, it couldn’t be as significant as his news. He just hoped they could get over it and add their support.

  * * *

  The shops were useless. Nobody seemed to stock maternity clothes, so she bought some underwear and a couple of long, floaty tops that might gloss over the problem for a little while at least, and went to see Annie.

  She’d had yet another missed call from her during the morning while her phone had been switched off, and as she pulled onto the drive she saw her through the window, sitting in a chair with her feet up and the girls playing quietly on the floor.

  She waved to them, and the girls squealed and ran to the front door, all but dragging her inside. She let them tow her into the sitting room, Chloe on one side, Grace on the other, and she smiled at Annie over their excited chatter.

  ‘Hello, stranger,’ she said softly. ‘I haven’t seen you for over a week. How are you?’

  Kate shrugged, suddenly lost for words. There was so much she wanted to say, to ask, so much she couldn’t say in front of the children, and Annie tutted and got awkwardly to her still-swollen feet.

  ‘Are we going to have cake?’ Chloe asked hopefully.

  ‘I’m going to get us a cup of tea. If you’re good and stay in here and play nicely, I might let you have some. Can you do that?’

  ‘Yes, Mummy,�
�� they chorused, and Annie rolled her eyes.

  ‘Works like a charm,’ she said drily. ‘Come on, let’s go and have five minutes’ peace while the kettle boils.’ And she propelled Kate out of the sitting room and into the kitchen, shutting the door firmly.

  ‘OK, what’s up? I’ve been worrying about you all weekend. Why didn’t you ring me or answer my calls?’

  ‘I didn’t know what to say. It’s been a bit momentous,’ she said, knowing it was the understatement of the year. ‘I had my scan,’ she added, and pulled the envelope out of her bag.

  Annie took it without opening it and met her eyes searchingly. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘I think so. I’m still trying to get my head round it. Well, we both are.’

  ‘Both?’ Her eyes widened. ‘Are you talking about the father? I thought you didn’t have his contact details? Did you manage to find him?’

  She tried to smile. ‘Yes—or rather, he found me, by accident. It turns out he’s actually Connie’s friend. Your locum?’

  ‘The guy with the boat?’ Annie’s jaw dropped, and she recovered herself after a second and shook her head. ‘Wow. So how did you meet him?’

  ‘In a bar. He stayed an extra night to see the boat, I was supposed to meet Petra but she didn’t make it, and—well, I don’t know, he was just there, and...’

  ‘Oh, Kate,’ Annie sighed. ‘So how is he about it?’

  ‘Not thrilled, but actually he’s been amazing, really, considering. He’s talked me into keeping it, telling me I can do it, and he even said if I couldn’t cope, he’d bring the baby up himself on his own.’

  ‘Gosh. That sounds almost too good to be true.’

  ‘That’s because it is. His fiancée died two years ago, just before their wedding, and this is just so far off his radar, but he’s determined that we can do it together. I just hope he’s right because I honestly don’t think I can do it without him, and even with him will be hard enough.’