Sarah's Solace

by Sarah's Solace (epub)

  I had to laugh. “You told your priest?” How much did she tell him?

  Sarah’s response was serious, somewhat sad. “I told him about seeing the light…and I told him about you.”

  “What did he say?” Did she tell him my name?

  I could see tears forming in her eyes. She stayed silent, not wanting to tell me.

  “You OK?” I asked. “What did he tell you, Sarah?”

  “He said that love is a gift even if it doesn’t last, and that I should never give up my faith.”

  My heart ached. I hated to hear the truth just as much as she did. Our love may only be temporary.

  “That’s good advice,” I told her.

  She slammed her locker shut. “Of course you would say that!” she whispered back at me. Her whisper felt like daggers.

  I followed her into the ladies room. She shot me an angry and frustrated look and then checked under the stalls to see if we were alone.

  I spoke first. “Why are you mad at me?”

  “Because you’re just so…OK with it all!”

  “OK?” Now I was pissed. “I’m not OK with any of this? Every moment with you is bitter sweet. It’s destroying me to be with you, knowing that I’ll never really be able to be with you. I don’t understand why God would give me so much pleasure, yet so much pain at the same time. I’m so thankful that we get to be in love, but so angry that I had to die.”

  Sarah calmed down and put her arms around me. “Me too.”

  “I’m also being selfish.”

  She backed up to look at me. “Selfish?”

  “You deserve a normal, living relationship. I want you to fall in love again one day.”

  “I’ll never love anyone like I love you.”

  “I never did love anyone like I love you.” I smiled and held her face in my hands. “You’re my soulmate.”

  I kissed her slowly and softly on the lips. I loved her too much. I was doomed.

  I decided to do something about our impossible situation. The best solution I could think of was to find a way to make Sarah happy in the long run. I had to stop being selfish. I loved her too much to continue making her life worse. We were happy now, but the more we were together, the harder it was becoming for both of us. Our love was addictive, as love should be, but when you know it must inevitably end…

  The best thing for Sarah, I decided, was for her to move on. She needed to realize that she could get over me. Only I could never get over her. I had to do something, though. I would try to make her love someone else.

  I loved watching her as she tried to pay attention in math class, occasionally taking notes, often glancing back at me sitting in the empty seat, with a smile on her face she tried to hide. Occasionally she would toss her hair to the other side, or she would switch her crossed legs. It was an unusually warmer day for November, so she wore a mini skirt. I wasn’t the only one who noticed. I saw the effect she had on the guys around her, but she was oblivious to it.

  One guy in particular, the one with the short brown hair who was sitting to her right, couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. He made it a point to speak with her as soon as the math class ended.

  “Pretty brutal class, huh?” he asked her.

  “Yeah, it was…pretty hard to concentrate,” she said, quickly smiling at me again.

  “I agree,” he answered.

  Yeah, I bet. He had his eyes on Sarah’s legs the whole time.

  “So, how have you been?” he asked as they walked down the hallway.

  “I’m doing good, thanks,” she replied. She seemed a bit uncomfortable around this guy.

  “I’m glad. I’m so sorry again about everything,” he told her.

  “It’s OK, Johnny."

  Johnny. I’d heard that name before.

  “I really mean it, though. I should have never said those things about Alexis. It wasn’t even true. I was just trying to impress some guys who had been giving me a hard time. It was really stupid.”

  I could see Sarah’s demeanor changing. There was forgiveness in her eyes, yet sadness when her sister was mentioned.

  “It wasn’t your fault that I crashed, but thank you. Thanks for the flowers too, by the way.”

  “You’re welcome,” he said, smiling at her. “I’m really glad you’re OK.”

  “Thanks. Well, I better get to my next class.”

  It was obvious he didn’t want to stop talking to her. He seemed like a nice guy, who was trying really hard to no longer be an idiot. I would have to find out for sure, though.

  “Yeah, me too,” he answered. “I’ll see you later, Sarah.”

  I contemplated for the remainder of the day. During Sarah’s last class, I decided to slip out and take a look around the school. There was no way she could object in front of everyone. I felt guilty using that to my advantage, but she also had to learn to let me out of her sight sometimes.

  I had to see what this Johnny guy was all about. I quickly spied on about fifteen classrooms until I finally found him, right before his history class was about to end. I followed closely behind him once the bell rang and overheard him talking about football practice. All I had to do next was convince Sarah to let us spend a short time apart.

  “You’re not riding home with Monica and me?” she asked, her face looking worried as she discretely talked to me behind a bush outside the building.

  “No, I think you and Monica need some time together without me for a change. Then you can really have some girl talk,” I teased. She knew I was bluffing and eyed me suspiciously.

  “You know I hate to be away from you,” she said.

  I kissed her forehead. “Don’t worry. You’re always telling me not to. I miss the football field, so it would be cool to hang out for a while. You have to trust me, Sarah. I promise I’ll meet you at your house later.”

  “You’ve made promises before.” Her voice was stern. I could feel the pain in her tone.

  “I would never go anywhere again without letting you know.” It was the best promise I could make. I couldn’t promise her I would never leave, only that I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

  “OK. Just don’t be too long,” she said hesitantly.

  I kissed her gently on the lips before heading off to the football field. It was a beautiful day, cold enough to remind you that winter was near, but warm enough to make you want to savor the sun. I didn’t realize how much I had missed playing football until I was there again, for the first time since before I died. I closed my eyes for a moment and remembered the smell of the grass and feel of the adrenaline. I wished I could be a part of it again, man against man, slamming full force into another body. If only I could fight back now. I had become an invisible being who could not be heard nor seen by most. I barely existed.

  I spotted Johnny as he walked onto the field and began warming up. He was talking to another guy who was tall with sandy hair. The guy was smiling and appeared to be talking more than Johnny wanted him to.

  “Don’t deny it dude,” he said to Johnny. “I saw you walking down the hall with her today.”

  “Yeah, so,” Johnny answered.

  “So, you got a thing for her, don’t you?”

  “What do you care?”

  “I care about her, man. We did used to date.”

  “Barely.”

  “Well, we became pretty close,” he said, smirking.

  “Yeah? Well, now you’re with Leslie.”

  The guy became suddenly serious as he grabbed Johnny’s arm to hold him back. “Look man, just be careful with her. She’s been through a lot. I heard what you said at the party.”

  Johnny turned around to look at him. “I will, Craig!” Although irritated, he seemed to be sincere.

  “You better,” Craig answered.

  I followed Johnny home. I still had to know more about him. If he was pursuing Sarah, I was determined to find out who he was, especially when he thought nobody was watching.

  He drove an old blue pick-up truck, ful
l of dents and scratches. He didn’t sense me at all when I sat in the passenger seat. The inside was a bit junky as well, some leftover McDonald’s trash, a few empty soda cans, but surprisingly, several paperback books. He didn’t strike me as the avid reader type, but apparently he was.

  I continued to study everything he did. Every mannerism, every look he gave others on the road. He drove in silence, slowly and deep in thought. He was courteous, though, not hesitating to let another vehicle in front of him that was trying to pull out.

  He lived in a modest brick home that was on the outskirts of town. I hesitated before following him inside. It felt so intrusive to go in, but curiosity overpowered me. His home was nice, full of country décor.

  “Johnny, is that you?” yelled a woman from the back of the house.

  “Yeah, it’s me, Mom!” he replied as he put down his bag and headed back to the bedroom.

  He slowly opened the door where his mother was lying in bed in her pajamas. She looked very sick.

  “Hey, honey,” she said to him, smiling, but with a tired voice. “How was practice?”

  “It was good.” I could tell that he was trying to sound cheerful, though it pained him to look at her. “I think we’re ready for Friday’s game.”

  “Hey, Johnny,” another woman smiled as she walked in, bringing a tray of soup to his mother.

  “Hey, Aunt Suzie.”

  Johnny walked over to help his mother sit up, and he propped a pillow behind her back while his aunt sat down the tray.

  “Hey, Johnny, can you turn the TV up for me?” his mother asked.

  “Sure, Mom.”

  He spoke softly to his aunt as they exited the room. “So what did the doctor say today?”

  “Not much change,” she answered with tears in her eyes as she rubbed Johnny’s shoulder to comfort him.

  He abruptly started to walk away, like he was trying not to get too upset. “Well, I’ll be in my room. I have a paper due tomorrow.”

  His aunt exhaled in frustration. “OK. Well, your dad will be home soon, so I’ll see you tomorrow, OK?”

  I followed him into his room. It was filled with books, notebooks, and movie posters. He grabbed one of his notebooks and sat up on his bed, chewing on his pencil. He thought for a few minutes, wrote in his book, then leaned back with his hands behind his head and closed his eyes.

  I took a look in his book that he left open on the bed. It appeared to be a journal. I read his entry.

  I’m not inspired to write too much today. Mom continues to get worse. It looks like she is dying right before my eyes, and it makes me angry at the world. How is it that we are so advanced as a human race but nobody can cure her? How is it that she can so easily accept what is happening to her, choosing to be at home rather than in a hospital? She said she would rather be home with us than allow them to aggressively attack the cancer, but we should be trying everything to save her.

  I was such an ass to Sarah about her sister. I know now how it feels now to lose someone you love. She says she forgives me, but how could she? She’s more forgiving than I deserve. I don’t know how she does it. She’s been through so much too, but seems to be so strong. She inspires me.

  I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I was sure Sarah had no idea who this guy really was.

  Sarah was really upset about my long absence, but she seemed to be getting over it. I told her I lost track of time watching the football players. It wasn’t really a lie.

  I continued to watch Johnny when they had class together the next day. I could feel jealousy, which I convinced myself was ridiculous, but I couldn’t help it. It was going to be really difficult to follow through with my plan, but it was beginning to seem like all I had to do was sit back and watch it happen.

  “So, you ready for tomorrow’s test?” he asked, trying to make conversation with her again after math class.

  “Not really,” she laughed.

  “Me neither. This isn’t my favorite class. I prefer literature.”

  “Really?”

  “Why are you so surprised?” he laughed.

  “I’m sorry. I just thought you preferred the football field.”

  “Just like a dumb jock, right?” he said, smiling.

  “No, I just…didn’t know that you liked to read so much,” she said, her face red.

  “As much as you like to draw,” he said, pointing to the drawings all over her notebook.

  Sarah smiled, but also glanced at me, as if she wondered what I would be thinking of her chatting with him.

  “So,” Johnny said, clearing his throat. “Are you going to the game Friday?”

  “Probably not.”

  “Other plans?”

  She smiled at me and bit her lip. “Yeah, I’m just going to take it easy at home this weekend.”

  “Well, if you change your mind, some of us are going out to a lake house to hang out after the game.”

  “Oh, OK. I’ll keep that in mind.”

  “Cool.” He smiled at her again as they both stood there awkwardly for a moment. “OK, well, I’ll see you later, Sarah.”

  Sarah’s face was still red after Johnny walked away.

  “Did he just ask me out?” she whispered.

  I laughed and shook my head. “Like you can’t tell how much he’s into you?”

  She still looked surprised.

  “Women!” I said, shaking my head.

  The next couple of days were more of the same. Going to school with Sarah, being invisible, watching life take place all around me while I couldn’t be a part of it. Johnny continued to be infatuated with Sarah while trying to pretend he wasn’t.

  The only thing different was a girl in Sarah’s art class who kept looking in my direction. I had been noticing her all week, but she seemed to be looking more directly at me every day. By Friday she was intensely staring at me. I think she noticed Sarah looking at me as well.

  “Who is that girl?” I whispered to Sarah as she worked on her abstract painting.

  “Which girl?” asked Sarah, trying not to move her lips.

  “The one dressed in black, with all the eyeliner.”

  “Oh, that’s Veronica.”

  “Tell me about her.”

  “I don’t know. She’s weird, but nice.”

  We both noticed her staring now, so we stayed silent until class ended.

  I questioned Sarah more at her locker.

  “What do you know about Veronica?”

  “Not much. She’s all into the alternative thing. She seems nice, but I don’t know her too well. Why?”

  “I think she can see me.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t panic.”

  “I’m not. I just…forget that some people can see you."

  “Would it be so bad? It’s not fun always being invisible to everyone.”

  “I know. I’m just not prepared to explain this to anyone.”

  “You’re afraid she’ll think you’re weird too.”

  I understood where Sarah was coming from, but it hurt me at the same time, knowing that she was afraid and embarrassed to tell people about me.

  She could see the hurt look on my face. I could tell by the way she looked into my eyes. “Look, Ethan, I would love to tell everyone about you, but you have to admit, most of them would think I’m a lunatic.”

  I looked away, leaning against the lockers. “I know.”

  “Hey, Sarah!” said Monica as she snuck up on us.

  “Hey,” answered Sarah, hesitantly.

  “What’s wrong?” Monica asked.

  “Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about something,” she answered as she glanced at me.

  “Well, I wanted to ask you if you want to come to the game with me and Phil. Phil told me there’s a cool party at a lake house after the game too! You gotta come with us!”

  Perfect.

  “Uh, sorry, but I don’t think so.”

  “Oh, come on, Sarah. What else are you gonna to do? I feel bad for you no
t having a car.”

  I couldn’t help smiling at Sarah as she struggled to come up with an excuse but couldn’t.

  “OK. I’ll think about it,” she answered.

  I had to tease her after Monica walked away. “See, if she knew you had a boyfriend then she would understand. That’s why you need a real boyfriend.”

  Sarah rolled her eyes. “I have a real boyfriend,” she said, getting angry, “who I wanted to be alone with tonight. My parents are going out of town, remember?”

  “We’ll have the rest of the weekend. I’d like to watch football again.”

  Monica and I pestered Sarah all the way home until she finally agreed to go. It was fun to see a game again, only I wished so badly I could play. I explained everything that was going on in the game, trying to make Sarah more of a fan, but it wasn’t working. She didn’t seem to be enjoying herself, which made me feel guilty.

  She wanted to be at home with me, with the house to ourselves. Normally I would be ecstatic, but I had to admit I was scared and frustrated. It would only make me wish even more that I were alive again, flesh and blood. Sure, going to school and watching football made me long to be normal again, but not as much as when I was alone with Sarah.

  Johnny was a pretty good player, which I pointed out to her, but she didn’t seem to care.

  “That guy’s pretty good too,” I said, pointing to the kicker.

  This made her tense up immediately. “That’s Craig. He’s a jerk,” she said.

  I had already surmised what had happened between them, so I didn’t ask her to explain. I realized that it didn’t matter to me, the details of her past relationships. His concern about Johnny being careful with her told me that he at least cared about her.

  It was a close game, but our team won, which really had everyone in party mode by the time it was over, except for Sarah.