Sarah's Solace

by Sarah's Solace (epub)

“So, you ready to go?” she asked immediately after the game.

  “Sure, right after we go to the lake house.”

  She wanted to argue, but we were interrupted before she could answer.

  “Man, that was a good game!” said Phil. “I’m ready to party now!” He put his arm around Monica, and she was beaming.

  “Don’t even think about backing out tonight, Sarah,” Monica warned. “You need to have some fun! OK?”

  “Do I really have to?” Sarah asked.

  “Yes,” I told her.

  “Come on, Sarah,” Monica said as she took her hand. “You don’t have a choice anyway. You have no transportation,” she smugly teased.

  The lake house was my kind of place. It was remote, country, and beautiful. I would have actually preferred being alone with Sarah at this point, but I was avoiding it at the same time, so I was grateful for the crowd, kind of.

  The evening air was cool, but not too cold. It was misty, and the lake was eerie yet romantic, with the lights of the nearby lake houses to dimly shine upon the glassy water. Only the serene setting was a sharp contrast to the loud party inside, which was trickling outside around the campfire.

  Sarah was still being a bump on a log. I felt bad for making her come, but I was determined to see how the evening would play out. She needed to be a normal teenager, not stifled by a supernatural relationship.

  “Cool place. I’m going to find the keg,” Phil announced as soon as we went inside.

  “I’m tired of parties,” said Sarah.

  “Don’t think like that. Come on,” Monica urged as she took her by the hand.

  Sarah glared at me. I threw up my hands as if I were innocent.

  I tried to keep my distance as Sarah followed Monica into the kitchen to a big bowl of punch, surrounded by liquor bottles. Monica scooped some into a cup and made a face after tasting it, but she kept drinking. Sarah went to the fridge and found a Coke.

  It didn’t take long for Johnny to spot her. As soon as he did, he excused himself from the group of guys still carrying on about the game. He made a beeline right toward Sarah, causing Monica to smile and walk away.

  He wasn’t at all subtle, and I had to smile, even though I felt jealous again, especially when I saw Sarah smile for the first time all evening. He was saying something that made her laugh. I moved in closer so I could hear.

  “I wasn’t expecting you to actually be here,” he said, smiling at her.

  “Me neither,” she answered. She winked at me.

  “You’re not drinking?” he asked.

  “Uh, no. I’ve seen the harmful effects of alcohol, especially drunk driving.”

  “Oh, yeah,” he said, realizing his blunder as he sighed and scratched his head. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I keep saying the wrong thing, don’t I?”

  “It’s OK.”

  “You wanna take a walk out to the dock?” he asked.

  “Actually I’m here with someone.”

  Oh, come on, Sarah. Give him a chance.

  “Oh. I didn’t realize. Are you, um, seeing someone?” he asked nervously.

  I made a split decision to intervene. I quickly knocked over a half empty glass of punch onto the floor before she could answer. This made them jump back, surprised.

  Sarah gave me a strange look, as if to ask what the heck I was doing. Johnny looked around to see who might have spilled the drink, then shrugged his shoulders with a laugh.

  “It’s getting pretty crazy in here,” he said, still trying to convince her to go outside.

  “Well, it’s not a party until something gets spilled, right?” she laughed.

  “Come on, let’s get some air,” he urged.

  Sarah looked at me as if asking for help and then followed him out the back door.

  I had to ask myself again what I was doing. I still couldn’t fully decide. I wanted to be the one taking a stroll out on the dock with Sarah. I wanted to hold her hand as we walked out to the water. I wanted to look at the moon with her and then look into her beautiful eyes as I held her close. I thought back to our time on the bridge, before we knew the whole truth, before we knew that we were really worlds apart.

  I tried to keep a safe distance behind them. It was too painful to be so close. I hated the feeling of envy, accompanied by the guilt of feeling selfish, and the self-pity I had been feeling since the day I died.

  I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, that I didn’t notice Veronica, the ‘weird but nice’ girl, who I thought could see me at school. She was an attractive girl, but hid her beauty behind a ton of make-up and dark clothing that covered her whole body. She was staring right through me. I had no doubt she could see me. It felt as if she wanted to say something to me, but was afraid to. She just continued to stare.

  I motioned for her to follow me into the woods a bit, behind the biggest tree I could see. She looked hesitant, but she was drawn to me.

  “I won’t hurt you,” I told her.

  She looked around to see if anyone was watching, then followed me slowly.

  “You can see me,” I said. It wasn’t a question, just an affirmation, although I was always surprised when someone could actually see me. So few could, or would refuse to believe their eyes.

  “Yes,” she whispered. I could still hear the fear in her voice.

  “Cool,” I said with a friendly smile.

  This made her chuckle with a bit of relief.

  “Who are you?” she asked.

  “My name is Ethan. Am I the first ghost you’ve seen?”

  “No,” she admitted.

  “I thought so.”

  I could tell she was still scared, and rightly so, but fascinated at the same time. I tried to imagine how I would feel in her shoes. I had never seen a ghost while I was still alive. I didn’t believe in them actually. I had to laugh at myself at the thought.

  “How often do you see us?” I asked.

  “Only sometimes. I’ve seen my grandfather and sometimes people I’ve never known, especially if I’m in an old house or building. I think that they try to communicate with me, but I’m usually too scared to talk to them.”

  “I’m glad you’re talking to me.”

  This made her smile. I could see her relaxing a bit.

  “So,” she said, “I always see you with Sarah. You have a thing for her?”

  I had to laugh. “Yeah, I do.”

  “She sees you too. I can tell.”

  I knew Sarah wouldn’t like this. She was too afraid, and I had to admit I couldn’t blame her. She still lived in a world that was mostly unwilling to believe in the supernatural, except for when they really wanted to believe.

  “She does,” I admitted.

  “She really likes you.”

  I smiled. “Yeah.”

  Veronica looked behind me. “She looks pretty pissed off right now, though.”

  I turned around, startled to see Sarah glaring at me, us, with a confused look on her face. She walked up to us determined, then hesitantly as she got closer, as she suddenly remembered she needed to pretend not to see me.

  “Hi, Veronica,” she said, but she wasn’t smiling.

  “Hi, Sarah.” Veronica was smiling, as if she were elated to not be the only one who could see me, and at the same time she found it amusing to watch Sarah in this situation.

  “How are you?” Sarah asked, glancing at me quickly and then trying to hide it.

  “I’m fine, Sarah, how are you?”

  “Good.”

  After a moment of awkward silence, Veronica finally said, “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I better get back to the party.” She continued to smile and then looked directly at me. “See ya later.”

  Sarah could only stare at her as she walked away, and then she looked back at me, her mouth hanging open.

  “She really can see you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “It’s OK, Sarah. She’s cool.”

  “She’s cool. Really? Does she
know I can see you too?"

  I had to be honest. “She has noticed our relationship."

  “Great. That’s just great!”

  “Calm down. It’s OK.” I put my hand on her shoulder, but there was not consoling her. She was on a rampage.

  “So you’re going to be sneaking off to talk to her now too?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Sarah…”

  “What?”

  “There’s no reason to be jealous.”

  “Jealous?” she laughed.

  “Yes. You don’t see me acting jealous because you were over there with Johnny?”

  “What was I supposed to do, Ethan? I can’t say I’m here with my invisible boyfriend!”

  “I understand that. My point is I don’t have a problem with you talking to him. He’s a nice guy. I feel bad for him for what he’s going through.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Oops. I took a deep breath.

  “What are you talking about, Ethan? What do you know about him?”

  “I’m sorry. I thought he would have told you by now. His mother is really sick, probably dying.”

  Her voice switched from anger to genuine concern. “She is? But how…how do you know that? Have you seen her spirit?” she whispered. “Is she that close?”

  “No, I just could see that she was really sick…when I was at their house.”

  “You were at their house? Why?”

  It was like a tidal wave I couldn’t stop. I had already said too much, and now there was no backing out.

  “I followed him home.”

  Her anger was returning. “Why?”

  “I wanted to see what he was really like.”

  She didn’t have to ask ‘why’ again. I could see it in her face.

  “I could see how much he likes you, so I wanted to see if he was good enough for you.”

  “Are you kidding me?” she said as she backed away from me. “You’re trying to…that’s why you wanted to come here tonight, isn’t it? You were trying to hook me up with Johnny?”

  “I wouldn’t put it in those words…”

  “Screw you, Ethan!”

  “Sarah…”

  There were tears in her eyes now. “You’re unbelievable! You think you can just make me fall out of love with you and in love with someone else that easily? That would make everything so much easier wouldn’t it?”

  There was nothing I could say. She made my plan seem idiotic. And did she think it would really be easy for me to watch her be with someone else? She already knew the real answer to that question, so she decided she would prove it.

  “Well, I see Johnny’s still waiting for me over there,” she said defiantly, but I could see the hurt in her eyes. “I better go.” She stormed away from me, toward Johnny, who was smiling to see her return.

  She didn’t ask me to wait for her. She wasn’t concerned where I would be, because she wasn’t scared I would leave. She knew I wouldn’t. She knew what she was doing.

  17. Craving

  I didn’t know what I was doing as I walked away from Ethan and over to Johnny. I wasn’t in my right mind. Was it out of frustration, anger, or both? I wasn’t sure. Thoughts of jealousy were seeping into my brain too, even though I knew it was stupid. I was afraid of others finding out about Ethan, but also because I enjoyed having him all to myself. Seeing him with Veronica, realizing she could see him, talk to him, and smile at him, well that changed the situation. Now would she be smiling at him in class too? I didn’t want her to know my secret.

  And Johnny. What the hell was Ethan thinking? I could admit to myself that I was beginning to like Johnny, but not in the way that Ethan was hoping I would. Ethan obviously didn’t realize how much I loved him. He didn’t even understand that there could never be anyone else. This wasn’t puppy love that I felt for him. I would never love anyone else like this. I felt it since the first day I saw him in the woods.

  I was out of thinking time for the moment, however. I was now standing in front of Johnny, when I should have been running after Ethan, but I was angry and determined to prove my point. If Ethan loved me as much as I loved him, then he would hate this.

  “Hey.” Johnny smiled when he saw me coming. “Where were you?”

  “Sorry. I got caught up in a conversation with someone.”

  “Well, I’m glad you came back to me,” he said, gently taking my hand.

  What was I doing?

  “You know, I realized you never answered my question earlier,” he said.

  “What question?”

  “Whether or not you’re really seeing someone.”

  I started to speak, although I wasn’t sure what I would say.

  He didn’t give me time to answer before he continued, “But you’re with me now,” he said mischievously.

  I noticed Ethan staring at me, so I smiled at Johnny. I felt terrible, but this was what he wanted, right?

  I could tell Johnny was trying to decide what to say next, and then he asked, “You want to go sit by the fire?”

  I looked at the campfire, which was surrounded by people, mostly couples.

  “Not really,” I answered.

  “Let’s sit down over here then.” He pointed to the wooden swing, close to the water.

  He continued to hold my hand as we slowly walked to the swing and sat down.

  I had to change the subject to lessen the romantic scene before it got any worse. “You played a good game tonight, by the way.”

  He smiled, really happy that I noticed. “Thanks. We kicked their asses, didn’t we?”

  I laughed and then felt him put his arm around me. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to lead him on, but I just couldn’t seem to halt the stupid situation I had put myself into.

  “You’re cold, aren’t you?” he asked, rubbing my arm.

  He pulled me to him, and I started to panic inside. I had to think of an excuse to abruptly leave.

  I looked around for Ethan and then saw him standing at a distance to my right. He was staring at us intensely. I could see that I was upsetting him. I knew he didn’t really want this. He walked toward us, making my heart beat faster. What was he going to do?

  “You OK?” asked Johnny, after realizing I was distracted.

  I didn’t answer. I just sat there like an idiot and watched Ethan walk right in front of us, then right by us, and then he just kept walking.

  “Sarah! There you are!” It was Monica, standing there with Phil. She snuck up on us as I helplessly watched Ethan walk away, clear out of sight. I felt tears in my eyes.

  Monica looked at us, surprised to see Johnny’s arm around me.

  Johnny tried to discretely remove his embrace. “Hi, Monica,” he said, disappointed.

  “Hey, Johnny. Well, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” she said to me, with a smirk, “but we need to get going.”

  Thank God. Only where did Ethan go? I didn’t want to leave without him. What could I do, though? He had walked into the woods and disappeared. I couldn’t just go chasing after him alone. They wouldn’t let me do that. All I could do was pray that he would come back.

  I stayed silent again as I rode home with Monica and Phil. I thought the ride would never end. All I could do was hope that I would see Ethan again soon. Did I make him so angry that he left me for good? He promised me he would never leave again without telling me, but he broke his promise before. Was he trying to punish me?

  Monica questioned me about Johnny of course. I told her the truth. I was really beginning to like him, but not as more than a friend, even though he was making a great effort to make me feel otherwise. I could tell she was frustrated with me, seeing me reject every guy who came along. I still wanted so badly to tell her about Ethan, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I really needed someone to talk to, but most of all I needed Ethan.

  I almost wished my parents were home once I finally arrived. I hated the thought of being alone in the house if Ethan didn’t come back to me. I wouldn’t
be able to take it.

  I slowly turned the key, looking around me and thinking how scary my neighborhood looked at night when my parents weren’t home. I was scared of everything now. I double locked the door behind me and hung up my purse in the foyer, glancing at myself in the mirror above the hook. I couldn’t look at myself, knowing I had just been so childish by trying to make Ethan jealous. What a moron I was.

  I turned around and was startled when I noticed a faint glow from the living room. I was scared and excited as I slowly, hesitantly walked toward it.

  Exhilaration overwhelmed me when I saw Ethan squatting in front of the fireplace, stoking the fire. He didn’t leave me. I wanted to run to him, but I was afraid, remembering how hurt he looked. Was he angry with me still?

  He turned around and looked at me for a moment, then back around to continue tending the fire. Yes, he was still pissed, and rightly so. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I just walked slowly to him.

  “Did you have fun?” he asked, still not facing me.

  “No,” I answered, tearing up.

  He didn’t respond.

  I walked over to him. “Ethan, I’m sorry. I was only…”

  “Don’t apologize,” he said quickly. “You were only with him because of me, because you were angry with me for trying to bring you two together.”

  “Is that what you really want?” I wasn’t being smart or defiant this time. I just wanted to know the real answer.

  “No,” he said firmly. It was the answer I wanted to hear. It was an honest answer, strong and direct.

  His actions said the same thing. He stood up quickly and grabbed my face in his hands. I gasped as he kissed me. It was unlike he had ever kissed me before. It was urgent and self-assured. There was no holding back, except for the fact that I couldn’t feel his flesh. I wanted to feel him completely, skin and muscle. I wanted to feel his weight on me as he led me to the sofa, still kissing me with an intensity that was driving me crazy.

  I lay down and drew him to me gently, wanting to grab him. He was all over me. I felt consumed by his spirit as he was on top of me. I could feel a gentle current that ran through my body with his touch. I could barely feel him on my skin, but it was just enough to make my entire body tingle, craving more. His hand moved slowly from my lips to my neck, then over my breast, where he lingered for a moment, causing my body to draw him nearer.