Alien Coffee

by Carroll, John H.

  “Yeah . . . yes,” she responded, standing up abruptly. With a deep breath and a shake of her head, Jillian cleared the cobwebs out and went over to a seat next to Nyxulla. “What do you need?”

  “We need to tell you about the life threatening situation we’re about to drag you into,” Buffy told her before Nyxulla could speak. The green-skinned alien woman glared at the BEM who held its hands out innocently. “What? It’s the truth and it would be foolish to tell her otherwise.”

  “I still want to go,” Jillian said right away. It was foolish, but she had always wanted to do something truly foolish and wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity. “Even if it’s a life threatening situation.”

  “It’s not all that life threatening,” Nyxulla reassured her. “The teens are being held captive in a fortified compound by a Columbian drug lord and his well-armed guerrilla army. The good news is that there are coffee fields nearby and we can get you some fresh beans to try in that roaster you got for Christmas.” She sounded eager.

  A Columbian drug lord and his guerrilla army sounded very life threatening to Jillian. “Oh . . . a Columbian drug . . . wait . . . Raymond said he didn’t get me that roaster and we couldn’t figure out where it came from. How did you know? . . .” She stopped at Nyxulla’s deep green blush. “Did you give me that?”

  “Fresh roasted is the best ever,” Nyxulla responded in a guilty voice. “Sclurp and I both chipped in for that and the bag of coffee beans.”

  “You mean the hundred fifty pound burlap sack of coffee beans!” Jillian said incredulously. “What in the world am I supposed to do with that much coffee? I’ve only used maybe a pound of it.”

  Nyxulla looked back and forth between Jillian and Buffy, who was staring critically with those creepy bug eyes. Finally she folded her hands in her lap. “You’re absolutely right. That is way too much coffee for you to drink by yourself. Sclurp and I will come by every day to help you roast and drink it,” she suggested helpfully.

  “You are absolutely pitiful. How would your parents react if they knew how bad your addiction is?” Buffy challenged. “I can’t imagine they would approve of your behavior.”

  “My parents would only be mad because they can’t get coffee!” Nyxulla yelled suddenly, throwing her hands in the air. “I don’t know why it’s so illegal. Coffee isn’t that bad for you. It helps relax a person and keep their mood level.”

  “It’s also illegal and highly addictive,” Buffy pointed out intensely, leaning forward and jabbing a clawed tip over the table. “The people who distribute it use it as a lure for heavier drugs and they love drawing in pretty girls like you.”

  “Don’t lecture me, you freaky little bug. I’m quite capable of handling myself,” Nyxulla retorted, pointing her own finger in its face. “I can quit anytime I want to. Everybody gives coffee such a hard time. You drink tea and it’s even more addicting and worse for your health!” She sat back and folded her arms. Jillian didn’t interrupt, but was beginning to feel a little bit like an unsuspecting drug pusher. She wondered what coffee did to aliens that made it an illegal drug.

  “Tea is legal unlike coffee and my health is none of your concern. I like drinking tea. It relieves the tension in my shoulders and helps with stress,” Buffy replied defensively.

  The two aliens glared at each other across the small table. The multi-faceted bug eyes made it hard to tell for certain, but it seemed like glaring. The situation was extremely uncomfortable and Jillian was a bit afraid of them. “So we have to rescue the teenagers from a Columbian drug lord. Do we have a plan?” She hoped the question would refocus their attention.

  It worked to a degree. Buffy continued glaring, but Nyxulla turned her attention to a screen and pulled out an image of a fenced compound in the middle of a jungle. The image was brilliant and three dimensional, covering the top of the table. It looked like a digitally rendered scale model of the actual compound. The neatest part was that miniature images of people with guns walked around in real time.

  Nyxulla pointed at one of the smaller buildings. “The teens are kept in this building, which is heavily guarded.” There were two miniature men holding guns in front of the building. One flicked a cigarette on the ground and crushed it with his foot. Another two were walking back and forth along the sides and next to a tall chain link fence behind it. “The drugs are produced in other compounds not far away.”

  Buffy pointed at the largest building, which looked like a large mansion. “This is where the drug lord lives with his wife and children. There are quite a few soldiers in and around it.” Jillian couldn’t see inside, but there were definitely soldiers walking around the exterior. Another was in a tower that rose above the surrounding trees.

  Movement behind a small shed in the in back corner near the building where the teens were being held caught her eye. “What’s that?” she asked, pointing at it over the table.

  They all stared for a moment. Buffy jerked back in repulsion. “Oh! That’s just disgusting! That’s unnecessary. What is it with you inbred mammals that makes you behave like that?”

  Jillian gasped as she realized it was two men having sex over a barrel behind the building. She blushed deeply while sitting up straight and covering her eyes. Nyxulla was the only one that didn’t react negatively. “Oh that looks interesting. I think I’ll record it.” When she caught Jillian looking at her in horror, she justified the action. “What? Humans are extremely compatible with my race. I find humanity’s liberal sexual habits invigorating. We’re not allowed to do those sorts of thing on my world.” Nyxulla pointed at the two men. “I like watching humans having sex.”

  “Yes, we’ve noticed by the fact that you own the most extensive library of pornography in the Amalgamation,” Buffy said sarcastically.

  “It’s not the largest yet,” Nyxulla defended, sticking her tongue out. Jillian idly noticed it was pink like a human’s. What really shocked her most was that Nyxulla seemed almost as flawed as a human in her behavior. The alien woman did drugs in the form of coffee, argued with others and had rather strong sexual drive from all appearances, not that the last was necessarily a flaw.

  “Getting back to the task at hand, all of their weapons are loaded and deadly.” Buffy gestured at the men in the compound, pointedly ignoring the two in the corner that Nyxulla had gone back to staring at. “There are more weapons and ammunition here.” The BEM pointed at a shed on the opposite side of the compound. “There are men at the gate and more positioned up the only road leading to it.” Buffy moved the image in order to show the road with bunkers on either side.

  “We’re in a spaceship. Surely we don’t need to take the road . . .” Jillian suggested.

  “Well of course not,” Buffy replied. “But we need to know what dangers are around. Next is the matter of the ship.” The image moved sideways through deep jungle, bringing into view the crashed spaceship. There were a few armed soldiers as well as other people who were milling around in a makeshift camp nearby. Jillian immediately noticed that it didn’t look like a snail even in its broken condition. Buffy pointed at it. “It’s a nice sports ship their parents likely bought them. We’re to destroy it and any parts that may have been taken off of it.”

  “That’s our first priority,” Nyxulla stated. “It has a self-destruct feature we can activate remotely once we’re certain there’s no one on board. The self-destruct should spread to any parts that have been taken, but we’ll have to scan the area to make certain.”

  “There are thousands of snails in the area, so once we have the teens they can take one back to their parents who will certainly be thrilled to hear how they wrecked an expensive sports ship on a forbidden planet,” Buffy proclaimed haughtily. The image lit up with countless tiny purple dots that Jillian guessed were snails. With a wave of a hand, Buffy made them disappear.

  “So we need to destroy the wreckage, rescue the teens, get them in a snail,” Jillian giggled as she said that out loud, “and then send them off to their parents. Do
es that sound right?”

  “Yes. That’s exactly it,” Nyxulla replied happily. Buffy nodded.

  “Okay. How exactly are we supposed to rescue them from the compound?” Jillian asked. “A bunch of soldiers with deadly weapons seems like a fairly serious obstacle to overcome.”

  “We have invisibility devices,” Nyxulla patted the one on her belt. “We have one you can use too.”

  Buffy stood. “You’re not supposed to have that either. At this point, if anyone finds out, you’ll be executed and the rest of us will go for reconditioning, lose our positions and shame our families. But that’s alright as long as we’re all having fun,” Buffy sniped derisively, patting Jillian on the shoulder. “I’ll go get the device for you.” The crabby alien walked to the back of the ship and disappeared through a door to the shell.

  “Don’t mind Buffy,” Nyxulla told her with a dismissive wave in the direction of the departed BEM. “Everything will be fine.”

  “I am worried about it. It sounds like we could get into a lot of trouble,” Jillian replied. “I’m mostly worried about you. I don’t want you to get into trouble for taking me with.”

  “You’re not worried about dying?” Nyxulla asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “Well . . . maybe a little, but I trust you even though I don’t know why. I honestly don’t think anything bad is going to happen to me,” she answered with a smile and shrug. Jillian didn’t know if she was being overconfident or just didn’t think she could die, but she really did feel that way. “If you don’t mind my asking . . . I don’t know what to ask actually, but . . . what brings you to Earth? Can you tell me anything about yourself?” Jillian was genuinely curious about the alien’s life.

  Nyxulla dialed up two drinks that appeared from an opening in the wall and handed one to Jillian. “I’m the youngest of four children. My parents love me very much . . . providing they don’t have to see or talk to me.” She shrugged and sipped from her cup. Jillian tried her own drink and found it to be delicious. It was some sort of exotic fruit juice from what she could tell. “It’s quxoma juice,” Nyxulla told her. “It’s from my world, but completely safe for humans.”

  “It’s yummy,” Jillian told her, taking another sip. Drinking an alien juice was thrilling and she couldn’t help but smile. She hoped Nyxulla would continue talking.

  “As a child, I received high scores in science and analytical processes, so my parents sent me off to the finest boarding school. I haven’t seen them since.” She frowned and took another sip of her drink. The subject obviously bothered her.

  “I’m sorry to hear that. I thought . . . For some reason I figured life would be wonderful and perfect in a galactic civilization,” Jillian told her, placing an empathetic hand on the alien’s shoulder.

  Nyxulla smiled in response. “No . . . I mean it’s better than the mess you humans are making, but everything is most definitely not perfect.” She looked at the image of the jungle and moved it back to the compound. “The Amalgamation is enormous with thousands of races living on tens of thousands of worlds, but each race brings its own challenges and beliefs. The result is a big, exciting mess.”

  “It sounds fascinating,” Jillian replied, taking another sip. She wanted to see all those worlds and races. Science fiction was her favorite genre and she had dreamed of exploring the universe ever since she was a little child looking up at all the stars in the Milky Way.

  “It really is,” she agreed. “I haven’t been very many places. I went to . . . the equivalent of one of your universities I suppose. Although we learn more in our basic schools than you do in your most advanced institutions,” she stated with a look of embarrassment. “But in many ways, the experiences are similar. I had a lot of fun at University and still managed to graduate at the top of my class even though I spent a great deal of time partying.” She grinned.

  Jillian grinned back. “I did a bit of partying too.” She tilted her head in curiosity and asked. “Is that where you started . . . drinking coffee? I know I experimented with marijuana when I went to college.”

  Nyxulla shook her head, the purple hair flowing back and forth like silk curtains. “I got hooked on coffee when I was in boarding school. Put a lot of rich kids together and they’re bound to test every breakable rule out there.” She sighed and put her feet up on the table, which erased that part of the image. She wore silver boots that matched the rest of her outfit, so Jillian couldn’t see if her feet were like a human’s. “It bothers me that Buffy is so judgmental of these teens we’re going to rescue. Their sports ship was probably some sort of guilt gift given to them by parents who don’t want to be bothered with raising them.”

  It was clear the issue was personal to Nyxulla. Jillian’s parents had struggled at times, but always provided food and shelter for their children. More importantly, they cared. Jillian felt herself fortunate for having a good childhood. Most of the time she didn’t even mention it to people because she felt guilty when people talked about neglect and abuse they experienced as kids. It was extraordinary to her that this alien was saying similar things. “We’ll rescue them,” Jillian told her reassuringly, placing a hand on hers. The alien skin was unbelievably soft and cool to the touch.

  “Yes. We’ll definitely rescue them. I know they’re probably brats.” Nyxulla blushed. “I’ve been a brat most of my life too. Still am.” She put her feet down and looked at the image of the compound that reappeared. “Honestly I don’t really care. I like having fun.”

  “I can’t imagine there’s too much fun for an alien here on Earth . . .” Jillian didn’t know if there was or not. She could think of all sorts of trouble for anyone to get into.

  “There could be, but I would be caught quickly if I tried,” Nyxulla admitted. “It’s easy to go to your house because it’s within immediate range of the station. We can’t go into town though and any further excursions would have to be approved. Our basic locations are tracked at all times, although individual rights laws prohibit the government from paying attention to the details of our lives.”

  “Interesting,” Jillian replied. She sipped on her coffee while listening intently. Buffy had come in quietly, but didn’t say anything as he sat down.

  “Other than that, it is boring here for the most part. The time is worth it because the research is so fascinating.” She crossed her legs and took Jillian’s hand into her lap with both of hers. “I’m a spoiled brat, but I graduated at the top of my class because I’m very good at science and I enjoy it. The data coming in here is extraordinary and I’m spending most of my time studying every detail.”

  “You’re not a spoiled brat, and I’ve never suggested it,” Buffy interjected. “I have the utmost respect for you, but I worry about your drug use and casual disregard for rules.”

  “You’re not my daddy . . . or my mommy, so don’t waste your time,” Nyxulla responded defensively. “Do you have the device?”

  Buffy didn’t respond immediately. The two aliens stared at each other for a moment. Nyxulla blinked first. Jillian thought the BEM had an unfair advantage in the contest with no eyelids to cover the enormous compound eyes. “I have the device.” It turned to Jillian. “Stand up and I’ll attach it.”

  Jillian did so nervously. She held her arms up and remained completely still while the alien deftly put a silver utility belt around the waist of her blouse. The device was on the left side while small pouches lined the rest of it. What shocked Jillian was that there was a ray gun hanging down her right hip. When Buffy stepped back, she tentatively touched it.

  “It’s already set to transform its target into emo bunnies, so all you need to do is pull the trigger. I’m certain that giving a human advanced weaponry won’t turn out badly at all,” Buffy told her sarcastically. “However, it’s unlikely you’ll have to use it and you’re under strict orders not to unless you feel there is no other choice left to you.”

  “Whose orders?” Nyxulla challenged with a raised eyebrow.

  “Mine,” B
uffy told her firmly. “Do you want to explain to Hub Command why we’re letting humans play with ray guns and turn each other into emo bunnies?” Nyxulla shook her head immediately. Buffy turned back to Jillian. “Most of the pouches are empty. There’s a first aid kit with two bandages in it.” He pointed to a pouch on the front of her belt. Then he pointed to another. “This has five ration pills. You can take one per day and it will give you all the nourishment you need in case you get stuck in the jungle for any reason.”

  “Wait, the first aid kit only has two bandages?” Jillian asked incredulously. “So I’m fine if I get a boo boo?

  “They’ll heal most injuries,” Nyxulla replied with a grin. “Just press it anywhere and let it do its job. You can use them on any race. There’s a molecular analyzer in each one.”

  “They’re expensive, so don’t use it for anything less than a life threatening injury,” Buffy warned. “You also have a localized tracer that will enable us to track you in this area, but isn’t strong enough for you to be noticed by anyone who could get us in trouble. The invisibility device enables you to see anyone else using one, an extremely important feature. Another key piece of equipment in one of the pouches on the back of the belt is a universal interpreter that translates all languages recorded by the Amalgamation. Here is an earpiece and button speaker for direct conversation, just put the button on your collar.”

  “Does that include human languages?” Jillian asked. She placed the small blue button that was the speaker against her collar and it fastened itself. Then she put the silver earbud in her left ear. Somehow it stuck in her ear canal without being uncomfortable. Even better, it didn’t interfere with normal sounds.

  “Including many that died out millennia ago,” Buffy answered with a nod.