Undercover: An Out of Line Novel

by McLaughlin, Jennifer

  I saw the sign to the left and made a split second decision. I exited off the ramp, heading west. She noticed right away and frowned. “What are you doing?”

  “You want to avoid them figuring us out, right?”

  She hesitated. “Well—”

  “So let’s have one more outing.” I drove us to the parking lot off the exit, where tourists parked and then trekked their shit to the hot beach. “Let’s get our toes in the ocean. See if it’s colder up here than it is back home.”

  She fidgeted, staring at the water. “Deal, but only if we leave our phones here.”

  “What phones?” I shoved them both in the glovebox. “One more date in the open before it’s all a big secret?”

  A smile played at her lips. “Sure, Pookie.” When I shot her a death glare, she laughed. “What? I have to get it out now. Soon, I won’t be able to call you that.”

  Maybe there were perks to this secrecy thing after all.

  I got out of the truck and came around to her side. A few days ago, she would have rolled her eyes at me and gotten out on her own, but now she sat and patiently waited for me to come open it for her. I don’t know why that made my chest tighten with some unknown emotion, but it did.

  As soon as her feet hit the ground, she slid her hand into mine as if she’d been doing it her whole damn life. I almost wondered if she had because it felt like she was a piece of me that I’d misplaced for a few years, then found hidden under the dresser while deep cleaning my apartment.

  After removing our shoes, we walked toward the water arm in arm in silence.

  Heads turned our way, mostly male, but she didn’t seem to notice. I wondered idly if she knew how gorgeous she was in every way, but something told me she didn’t. She might know of her outer beauty—how could she not when men stared at her all the time?—but it was what was inside that really pulled me in.

  I’d never forgotten the first time I met her.

  Carrie had been upset over something Finn did or didn’t do, and Marie had hovered over her as she cried. There had been a worry in her eyes that colored them a deep blue that warred with the Pacific Ocean itself. As Carrie sobbed, Marie hurried over to her desk drawer to get something. She glanced down and pulled out a chocolate bar, offering it to Carrie who took it and shoved it in her face. I’d found out later that her mother sent them to her special from Switzerland, her favorite kind she only got once or twice every couple of years if she was lucky, and yet she hadn’t hesitated to share because Marie couldn’t stand to see her best friend so upset. She’d shown that same selflessness throughout the time I’d known her.

  Her heart was as pure as the blue of her eyes.

  We stopped just short of the edge of the water. The sand was cold under my toes, and she curled hers inward. Her flip-flops dangled from the tips of her perfectly painted fingers, and the wind blew her hair to the left of us as the sun shone down on her head. Smiling, she closed her eyes and lifted her face toward the sun, just letting herself enjoy the moment, her fingers flexing in mine.

  She had no clue I watched her, and that was probably good because damn it, I couldn’t stop. She was everything I ever wanted, and for the first time ever…

  I stood a chance at having her.

  She turned toward me, catching me in the act of staring. She froze for a second, then laughed shyly. “What?”

  “Huh?” I asked. “I didn’t say anything.”

  “You didn’t have to. You’re looking at me like…”

  I stiffened. “Like what?”

  “I don’t know, you just reminded me of something. Or someone. Like—” The water hit our ankles, and she shrieked, dragging me back from it. “Colder. Definitely colder.”

  Chuckling, I pulled her into my arms and smoothed her wild hair off her cold cheeks. As I brushed my fingertips over her, she shivered and curled up against my chest. “I’m happy we’re giving this a chance, Marie. At the risk of sounding too serious on our little date…I really like being with you.”

  She bit her lower lip, raising up on her tiptoes. “I really like being with you, too, Joseph. It scares me, but mostly, it just feels good.”

  I closed the distance between us, kissing her again. Her mouth lingered as she curled her hands behind my neck in that way that sent a tingling sensation down my spine and through my veins. The water hit our feet again, and she jumped back, dropping a shoe.

  I saved it before the Pacific stole it away, tossing it back at her. She caught it easily, grinning with flushed cheeks as she walked backward toward my parked truck. “That’s enough freezing cold water for me. Ready to return to reality?”

  Nodding, I followed her, smiling as she dodged a kid shoveling a hole in the sand. When we reached the truck, we both settled in, and I started the engine. The second it geared up, my phone rang again. The screen showed it was Finn. I frowned at it. “If he’s calling this much—”

  “Something might be wrong,” she finished for me. I looked at her. She had her phone in her hand. “Carrie called a lot, too. Answer it.”

  I clicked the button, my chest hollowing out because I had a feeling I knew why he was…no. It couldn’t be. I refused to even consider the possibility. “Hey, Finn. What’s up?”

  “Jesus, where have you been? I’ve been calling all morning.”

  I cleared my throat. “We were packing our shit. What’s up?”

  “Well, uh…I…”

  “Dude.” Flexing my jaw, I cut him off. “Just say it.”

  “You should come home, man. We can talk when you—”

  My stomach rolled into a tight knot, my heart stopped beating, and my throat closed. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. “Say it.”

  “It’s your grandmother.” Silence, Marie and I locked eyes, and then: “She passed away this morning. I’m so sorry.”

  18

  Marie

  Ugly chairs. Cold air conditioning. Soft voices. Hushed music. Metallic clanging. Beeping machines. The scent of antiseptic and hand sanitizer mixing with the less sterile scents these places seemed to be unable to entirely shake no matter how much bleach they used. I hated hospitals, but even more than that, I hated the reason we were in one right now.

  Ever since Finn called and broke the news, Joseph had been stone silent, his body tense as he drove down the highway without a word, no rushed or hectic actions showing as he steadily drove us south. He'd been…calm. Cold. Silent. In control. But he wasn’t fooling me.

  There was nothing inside of him that was cold or calm.

  If I’d learned anything these past few days, it was that Joseph was a man who felt things deeply, and whatever he was feeling right now, he was hiding it from us.

  That was fine if that was what he needed to do to get through this, but if he was going to try to keep it going when we were alone, he had another thing coming.

  “Do you think he’s okay?” Carrie asked, nibbling on her nails.

  Finn gently tugged her hand down, stopping her, and closed her smaller fist in his. “He’s not okay, no, but he will be. We’re all okay after a while.”

  They exchanged a long look, and I knew even without them speaking that they were thinking of the time Finn’s father had died, and they’d lost one another in the process as well. That had been a dark time for all of us, especially Finn. Carrie had cried herself to sleep every night, agonizing over whether he was alive, or dead…and Joseph had been there for both of them the whole time, silent and steady.

  It was our turn to be there for him now.

  I spoke for the first time in I didn’t know how long. “He’s going to need us.”

  “Now more than ever,” Carrie agreed.

  “Whatever he needs, we’re here,” Finn said, pulling Carrie close and kissing the top of her head.

  “Of course.” Carrie pulled away from Finn and wiped her hands under her eyes, drying her cheeks. “I’m going to call and check on the kids.”

  “Who’s watching them?” I asked.

  “Noel
le and Riley are in town, so we asked them to sit with them.” She crossed her arms, hugging herself as she stood. “Noelle is huge now. She’s miserable.”

  “Pregnancy will do that to a person, I hear.”

  Finn nodded, watching Carrie closely. “Yeah, it will.”

  “So will death.” She glanced over her shoulder, then turned back toward us. “I’m gonna call.”

  Finn nodded. “Take your time, Ginger. Grab a snack, too. You need food.”

  She offered him a feeble smile and started down the hallway. He stared after her with a look in his eye that stirred something up inside of me. It reminded me of…

  The whooshing sound of an automatic door opening cut that thought off as Joseph came out from behind the double set of blue doors. He had dark bags under his eyes that suggested he hadn’t slept all weekend, even though I knew better. His brown eyes were flat, empty, but I knew that emptiness hid a deeper, darker emotion behind them.

  Pain.

  I stood, trembling slightly as I made my way toward him. I reached for his hand, remembered who we were around, and then stopped mid-way. I didn’t care about our stupid little agreement to keep silent anymore, all that mattered was Joseph, but in case he cared… I wasn’t about to pile on something else for him to be upset about, on top of all this. Unless he visibly reached for me and broke our agreement, I’d stick to it no matter how hard it might be to do so.

  And it was really, really hard.

  “It’s done.” He said, his shoulders tense. He gave me his back and turned toward Finn, his jaw as hard as his tone. “She’s been identified, and we’re free to go now.”

  Finn stood, walking up to Joseph and embracing him without the hints of uncertainty that I had felt while doing the same. Would I have hugged him before we’d slept with one another?

  I think so. Maybe. Ugh.

  “Anything you need, I’m here man.”

  Joseph clapped Finn on the back, nodding. “I know. Thanks.”

  “Same here,” I added.

  He looked at me again. This time, there was something else behind that emptiness, something that pulled at my very soul. “Thanks, Marie.”

  “That’s what friends are for,” I said, reaching out and squeezing his hand.

  He pulled away almost immediately.

  Carrie came out of nowhere and threw herself into his arms with an abandon I couldn’t help but be jealous over. I wanted to do that. I wanted to be his rock. Joseph buried his face in her neck for a second, hugging her back, and Finn watched without any hint of jealousy on his face.

  Why would he be jealous?

  Everyone knew she loved him with all her soul. You could see it every time they looked at one another. They had the kind of love that I had only ever considered a fleeting chance in my life, until recently. The new me, however, felt pretty good about my odds.

  I want to hug him.

  Carrie let go of him, staring deep into his eyes. “Don’t fight the sadness. If you don’t let it run its course, it’ll take over. You have us, and your sisters …”

  I swallowed hard and stepped closer. I hadn’t even thought of his sisters this whole time. How awful did that make me? “Do they know yet?”

  He looked at me over Carrie’s head and nodded. “Meggie’s the one who—” He broke off, his voice cracking. “Shit.”

  “Where are they now?” I asked.

  Joseph ran his hands down his face, letting out a long breath. “Meggie is home with a neighbor, and Lynne is still at college. I’ll pick her up tomorrow. I didn’t want her driving herself while she’s upset.”

  “I could go get her,” I offered weakly. I might not be able to show my feelings for him physically, but I wasn’t about to stand here like I didn’t care when I did. “Or I’ll go with you.”

  Finn looked at me.

  Carrie blinked.

  Joseph pressed his mouth together into a thin line. “Not necessary, but thanks. I’ll be fine.” He looked at his best friends. Funny, I used to think of myself that way. Now I was his…what was I? “I’m fine, guys. Honestly.”

  Carrie nodded, focusing on him again.

  Finn continued to stare at me.

  “I need to go home, though. Meggie will be waiting for me.”

  Finn nodded. “She’ll need you.”

  “And I’ll need her.” Joseph sighed.

  What about me? Do you need me tonight? “We can grab something to eat on the way back. Maybe her favorite food? What does she like? We can all eat dinner together.”

  “Pizza.” Joseph locked eyes with me. “She likes pizza.”

  “Okay, then we’ll grab some pizza and—” I started walking toward him gratefully since he hadn’t shut me down when I offered myself to him like that.

  Carrie caught my hand and tugged me back. “Actually, we’ll take you home.”

  “What?” I glanced at her with narrowed eyes. “No. I’ll go with Joseph.”

  “But you’re out of his way,” Carrie argued, giving me a long look. “Besides, I’m sure he’d rather be alone so he can deal with his emotions before going home.”

  I gaped at her. After years of pushing us together against my will, when I wanted to be with him, she tried to separate us? Like, what? “I’m sure he doesn’t mind me being around him right now. Right, Joseph?”

  “I—” he started.

  Finn cut him off. “He minds. No man wants to lose his shit in front of a woman. He wants to mourn in peace, and then get home to his sister. Let him go.”

  “But I…” I looked at Joseph, looking for guidance. Should I argue? Accept? Were they right? Did he want to be alone? Whatever he wanted, I wanted. This wasn’t about what made me happy. It was about what he needed. “Joseph?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t want to put anyone out.”

  Was that for me, or them? Was he worried about making me take care of him, or them having to take me home? I had no frigging clue. Frustration choked me.

  “It’s fine, we don’t mind taking her for you, right Finn?” Carrie said.

  “Of course not,” Finn said, frowning. “We’ve got her.”

  Joseph looked at me.

  I tried to figure out what he wanted me to do but came up empty.

  “Is there a reason you want to go with him so badly?” Finn asked curiously.

  I froze. “I…”

  “Because if not, then it’s settled. You’re coming with us.”

  “O-Okay,” I said, not wanting to make a scene. “I guess I’ll go with you guys, then.”

  Joseph shoved his hands in his pockets, looking away.

  It took all my self-control not to launch myself into his arms and hug him tight, because, God, he looked like he needed a hug. As soon as I was home and their car turned the corner, I’d hop in my own and drive right back to him. On my way to his place, I’d grab dinner and his favorite beer…and some soda for Meggie. Maybe a movie, too. Anything to make it easier for them.

  Anything to show him I cared.

  19

  Hernandez

  I closed the door to my guest room, leaning against it. Well, guess it wasn’t a guest room anymore, it would just be Meggie’s room, and my office would be Lynne’s. Small sacrifices to make, all things considered. All that mattered to me from here on out was their comfort, safety, and well-being. Anything in my life that didn’t have to do with them had to fade into the background.

  It’s just how it had to be.

  Someone knocked softly on my front door. I’d only been home for an hour, and the visits had been endless. People were bringing food, cards, and well wishes. To be honest?

  I just wanted to be left the fuck alone.

  I sat down on the couch, ignoring the knock, and covered my face with my hands, letting out a long breath. Grandma had been the only parent I had for years, the only parent my sisters had really known, and now I was going to have to be that parent for them.

  Every choice, every decision I made from here on out, had to center around
them…and whether or not it was a good one for their mental health.

  Everything had changed.

  My phone buzzed, and I picked it up. Marie’s name flashed across the screen with a text. I knew, deep down, that this shift in my responsibilities was the beginning of the end for us. There was no way in hell she was going to stick around now that I had two “children” to care for.

  At the hospital, when I was at my lowest point, she kept up the façade. If my dead grandmother had any effect on me besides pain and loss, it was this:

  I didn’t want to play games anymore.

  She either wanted to be with me—all of me and my newly inherited baggage and pain—or she didn’t want to be with me. End of story.

  But knowing that and facing it were two entirely different things.

  I set the phone down without swiping the text open. Yeah, I was going to lose her, but it didn’t have to be on the same night I lost my only parent. It didn’t have to be—

  My phone started ringing, Marie’s smiling face lighting up the darkness of the living room. The sun had set before I got home, yet I hadn’t touched a single switch.

  Flexing my jaw, I picked up the phone and gave up ignoring her. She wouldn’t stop till I answered and let her know I was okay. I wasn’t, but whatever. “Hello.”

  “H-Hey,” she said, her voice faltering. “It’s me.”

  I swallowed. “I know. I saw.”

  “Right, of course.” She laughed nervously. “Are you, uh, home?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  She shifted the phone, making a loud dragging noise across the quietness. “Because I’m at your door and you didn’t answer…”

  Shit. “Oh. I didn’t know it was you.”

  I didn’t move. Didn’t get up.

  After a little bit of silence: “Now that you do, are you going to answer? I have pepperoni pizza, soda, and beer. If you want.”

  I closed my eyes, something in my chest shifting. Something banged upstairs, and I looked behind me. Meggie must’ve gotten out of bed. She’d asked to be alone for a while, so I’d given her what she wanted, but maybe she was hungry. Perhaps she’d like some pizza.