Undercover: An Out of Line Novel

by McLaughlin, Jennifer

  “If you’d rather be alone like Finn said, then I’ll drop it here on the porch and go. Either way, it’s yours.”

  “I don’t want to be alone,” I admitted, knowing it was true despite my earlier thoughts about wanting to be left to my own devices. It was true, I did. But with Marie…

  I didn’t want her to go.

  “Well, then, open the door and let me in.”

  I rubbed my forehead. “It’s open.”

  I hung up and stayed where I was, watching as the door swung inward and Marie’s head popped through it. When she saw me sitting in the dark alone, she faltered for a second and then closed the door, the bright smile she’d pasted on staying firmly in place. “Hey.”

  I said nothing.

  “Where’s Meggie?” she asked slowly, walking toward me.

  When I saw her hands were full, I stood and hurried to help. After removing it all from her clasp, I headed toward the equally dark kitchen. “In bed. She wanted to be left alone. So, I left her alone.”

  “Good. I—” A loud bang, followed by, “Ow!”

  I stopped walking and turned around. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I just…” She sighed. “I’m just bleeding.”

  “What?” I flicked the lights on. Sure enough, her hand was cut, and blood was seeping out of it. “What happened?”

  She hid her hand behind her back, keeping that damn smile in place. “It’s nothing, I just dragged it across something sharp.”

  I glanced down. The knife Meggie had used to cut an apple was sticking off the kitchen table with a cutting board placed haphazardly on top of it as if she’d started to clean up after herself then got distracted. “Damn it, I told her to clean that up.”

  “It’s fine. Barely hurts.”

  I crossed the room and grabbed her hand, pulling it out from behind her back. Her marred skin sent a rage pumping through my veins that had nothing to do with the cut, and everything to do with the loss of a woman I loved. I knew that, deep down, but it didn’t stop me from stalking toward the stairs and yelling, “Meggie!

  “What?” she called back.

  “It’s fine, I’m fine—” Marie started from behind me.

  “I told you to put your damn knife away!”

  “Sorry, I forgot!” Meggie shouted back. She opened her bedroom door and came stomping down the stairs. “Sorry to have disappointed you yet again.”

  Closing my eyes, I counted to three, reminding myself that I was the adult here, and Meggie was just as upset as I was, if not more so. After all, I didn’t even live in the same school district as Grandma had, and there were going to be a lot of changes in her life, too. Following after her, I softened my tone considerably. “Do you want pizza? It’s pepperoni.”

  “Sure, I…” Meggie stopped at the entry to the kitchen, eyeing Marie. “Who is she?”

  For a second, I’d forgotten Marie was here and bleeding. “This is my…uh…friend…Marie. Marie, meet Meggie, Meggie, meet Marie.”

  Marie smiled. “Hi. It’s nice to meet—”

  “On second thought,” Meggie said, cutting her off. “I don’t want pizza. Tommy is coming to pick me up, and we’re going out.”

  “Tommy?” I frowned. “Who’s Tommy?”

  “My boyfriend.”

  “Your boy—?” My chest tightened. “Hell no, you’re not going out with some boy. I don’t even know this kid. You’re staying here with Marie and me—”

  Meggie rolled her eyes. “Oh my God, stop right there.”

  I stopped, lost in a sea of new obstacles I’d never faced.

  “First of all, I’m not a kid. I’m allowed to have a boyfriend just as you’re allowed to have her.” She gestured at Marie rudely. “At least mine isn’t here in this moment of private family grief, and has actually been around for a few months, unlike this…this…slu—”

  My stomach clenched and that anger came rushing back. “Watch yourself.”

  “Please,” Meggie said, rolling her eyes and typing on her phone. “Like you care. She’ll be gone in a week, just like the rest. Tell me, how will it feel when you realized you missed Grandma’s last days of life to run away with some chick you’ll soon forget?”

  I snatched her phone right out of her hands and put it in my pocket, pain stabbing me in the chest sharper than a knife. “You’re grounded. Go to your room.”

  Meggie crossed her arms. “Not without my phone. Give it to me.”

  “That kind of defeats the purpose of punishing you,” I said dryly. “Grab a piece of the pizza that Marie so kindly offered to bring us, and then get back upstairs.”

  “I’m not eating that pizza. She’s your waste of space, not mine. I don’t have to eat her food.”

  Marie watched, her cheeks pale. I could see it already, the uncertainty in her eyes. The desire to flee. I’d known it was coming—why would she want to stick around when she didn’t need to? She had no ties to me. No real reason to stay. All we’d done was fuck a few times.

  She had every reason to run.

  None to stay.

  I switched to Spanish. “This woman means a lot to me, Meggie, and isn’t just some chick. She’s one of my best friends, and I really care about her. I know you’re upset, and so am I, but if you don’t start treating her with respect, I swear to God I’ll—”

  “You’ll what, Joey?” Meggie cried out in English, tears filling her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. “Ground me? Yell at me? Make me feel worse than I already do? Fine, go ahead, do it. But if you’d been here instead of up in San Francisco with this girl, maybe Grandma would still be here, and I wouldn’t have to be in this shitty house with you!”

  She took off for the stairs with me chasing after her. “Meggie, I—”

  “Just shut up! I hate you! It’s your fault she’s dead!”

  She slammed her door shut, and I stood at the bottom of the stairs, gripping the banister so tight I heard a crack. I stood there, frozen because she wasn’t wrong. If I had been here, maybe I would have seen the signs of her impending heart attack—which the docs said came on fast and took her even faster. Maybe I could have saved her, but instead, I’d been playing house with a woman I stood no chance of ever having anything real with.

  It was my fault she was dead.

  My fault we were here now.

  Marie came up behind me and touched my back. “She didn’t mean it. None of this was because of you, or us. She just—”

  Shrugging her hand off, I brushed past her without a word and headed for my guest bathroom. Opening the medicine cabinet, I pulled out the bandages I’d bought last time I’d gotten too close to a perp’s fist and shut the mirrored cabinet door.

  I stared at myself for a second in the shadows. Tan skin. Dark eyes. Darker shadows under them. I looked like hell, felt like hell, and sort of suspected I actually was in hell.

  Marie watched me from the hallway, biting her lower lip. “Joseph, I hope you don’t believe her. She’s just upset, and mad because I’m here, and she’s lashing out through her pain and fear to the one person she loves most—”

  “Don’t.” I didn’t meet her eyes. “Just don’t.”

  “It’s not your fault—”

  “I said don’t,” I snarled.

  She shut up immediately.

  I turned and grabbed her hand gently, wrapping the gauze around it. She watched me in silence, her eyes seeking something I really didn’t want her to find. It was time to end this before I got even more attached and she actually hurt me when she walked away. At least if I was the one to do it, it would be my choice and my call, and that was something I could live with.

  If I didn’t do this for her, she’d stay and feel like she was stuck by my side because of my dead grandmother. I didn’t want that for her, or for myself. She didn’t like complications, and I was one big complicated mess right now.

  “You should go,” I said, my tone flat.

  Her fingers flexed against my palm where they rested, and she examined
me even closer. I lowered my head, not letting her see my eyes. Not allowing her to see me.

  “Are you sure you want me to?” she finally asked, as if she wanted to stay.

  She didn’t. She just didn’t want to be the dickhead who walked out on a guy who lost his only parent figure. “Honestly, I think it’s just best if we skip to the end of this whole conversation. I’m tired, and I don’t have the energy to play this game anymore.”

  She placed her hand over mine, holding it against the gauze. “What game? What end?”

  “The end where you go home, and we both acknowledge that this was fun for a weekend, but there’s no way we’ll work out long-term.”

  She stepped back, pulling her touch from me. I felt it in places that had nothing to do with our touching hands. “Joseph—”

  I walked past her. “I’ve got my hands full, okay? I appreciate the pizza, and I’m sorry my sister's irresponsibleness cut your hand, but I think it’s best if you just go.” I opened the front door. “Thanks, Marie. Honestly, it was fun. I enjoyed being with you for the short time we had.”

  Something in her eyes called to me, begged for me to stop, but it went away so fast that I may have imagined it. She swallowed and shook her head, forcing a smile. “You’re upset. I get it. I’ll give you space, but I’ll be back. And if you need me, I’ll be here. That’s what friends are for.”

  If she said that damn phrase one more time… “I won’t need you, or anyone. I just need to fix this mess and make Meggie okay. I need to focus on her like I should have been focusing on my grandmother. That’s all that matters now. My family.”

  She cupped my cheeks, locking gazes with me. Something told me she saw everything I hadn’t wanted her to see, and then more. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  I shook my head, dangerously close to losing my shit in front of her. “Marie…”

  “Shh. I know.”

  She brushed her mouth against mine, once, twice. I made a sound—one that sounded way too damn broken to have come out of my mouth—and pulled her close, my mouth conquering hers, devouring everything she gave me. She wrapped herself around me, burying her hands in my hair like she always did, and for a second I forgot everything.

  But then I remembered that I should be sending her away instead of picking her up and slamming her against the wall, so I set her down on her feet, steadied her, and said, “Goodbye, Marie. It’s been…fun.”

  And then I slammed the door in her face.

  It was the hardest thing I’d ever done.

  20

  Marie

  Five days.

  That’s how long it had been since Joseph kissed me, set me down on his porch, and shut the door in my face. Since then, I’d given him what he wanted, leaving him alone to deal with his grief. I texted him every day, asking him how he was doing, and every time he gave me the same generic one-word answers. Fine. Good. Okay. Thanks.

  I was trying to respect his wishes.

  Trying to give him space.

  But as the old saying went, space had indeed made my heart grow fonder, and there was no doubt in my mind now that I wanted to be with Joseph, really be with him, in front of everyone, and I wanted to help him through this. Right now, we were surrounded by people, faces swirling around us, but the only face I saw was his. I dreamt about him. I worried about him. I missed him.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

  Meggie walked by, shooting me a dirty look.

  I wasn’t sure what I’d done to deserve her hatred. Perhaps she blamed me for her grandmother’s death, just as she unfairly blamed Joseph because he’d been away with me instead of home with his family. Perhaps she was lashing out because it was the only way she could cope with it all. Whatever the reason, I was determined to make her like me.

  One way or another.

  “Will you excuse me?” I said to Finn and Carrie, making my way past the sea of black dresses and suits, following Meggie’s bright yellow sundress.

  She must’ve sensed my approach because her shoulders got stiffer with each step. When we reached the bar, I stood back and listened to her order two Cokes. When it became clear that she wasn’t going to acknowledge me, I cleared my throat. “Hey, Meggie.”

  She waved over her shoulder without looking at me. “Hi.”

  “Are you doing okay?” I asked hesitantly.

  Meggie turned around, a fake smile plastered on her face. “I’m great. Wonderful. So happy to be here at this funeral.”

  I flinched because I’d kind of opened myself up to that one. “Are one of those for your brother? I can carry it over to him.”

  “It’s for my sister. My brother is too busy pretending he’s the strong one in the family when deep inside he’s panicking because he’s stuck with me and has no clue what to do.”

  “Your brother loves you both very much, and I’m sure he isn’t panicking.” I hadn’t met his other sister yet, but hopefully she didn’t hate me as much as Meggie did. “I love your dress.”

  “Thanks.” She glanced down and played with the hem. For a second, she looked like a lost little girl, instead of an angry teen. “It was her favorite.”

  That was the first sentence she’s spoken to me without snapping my head off. “It’s lovely. Yellow is your color.”

  “It was hers, too,” she said plainly. She picked up the sodas and walked past me. “While she was still alive that is.”

  I watched her leave, my heart wrenching because she apparently decided she wasn’t going to like me, and that made this all that much harder. I scanned the room out of habit and found him instantly. He’d been watching us, but the second our eyes met, he turned away, as if he didn’t want me to know he’d been looking. I knew. I always knew.

  “What happened between you two in San Francisco?” Finn asked from behind me.

  I jumped. “Jesus.”

  “You met Jesus?”

  “Maybe,” I said, turning and pressing a hand to my racing heart. “You scared the crap out of me.”

  “People usually only get scared when they’re hiding something.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not hiding anything.”

  “Then what happened?” he persisted.

  “We went after a criminal, maybe caught him, and then came home to his dead grandmother. Why in the world would you think something else happened?”

  Finn crossed his arms. “The way you’re avoiding him, for starters.”

  “What?” I stiffened. If anyone was avoiding anyone, it was the other way around, thank you very much. I was just trying to respect his wishes. “I’m not avoiding him.”

  Finn snorted. “Okay.”

  “I’m not,” I said, perhaps a little too defensively.

  Finn’s friend and a somewhat friend of mine, Wallace, came up and threw his arm over Finn’s shoulder. “What are you two whispering about over here?” he asked, his Scottish accent thick. He could lighten it when he wanted, but tended not to around the “lassies” as they liked his accent because it reminded them of “Jamie from that Outlander show.”

  Or so he said.

  “I asked her why she’s avoiding Hernandez,” Finn said a little too cheerfully.

  “Oh, aye, she is.” He winked at me. “Care to avoid him with me?”

  “I’m not avoiding anyone,” I said stiffly. “And I’ll prove it.”

  Without another word, I headed toward Joseph, not stopping until I reached his side. It was the closest I’d been to him since he’d shut me out. His cologne teased my senses, and he smelled slightly of whiskey as if he’d been drinking when no one was looking.

  As I approached, he looked past me toward Finn.

  “Hey,” I said softly.

  “Hey yourself. What did he say to you?”

  “That I was avoiding you. He wanted to know why.” I waved at Finn over my shoulder, shooting him a fake smile before giving Joseph my attention again. “I figured since they were asking questions, it was best to silence them.”

  Hi
s jaw ticked. “Yeah. Can’t have people talking.”

  “Right.” I hesitated. “How have you been?”

  “We’re adjusting.” His gaze fell on his sisters, and his grip on his glass tightened, shifted. “She’s not speaking to me, but she’s also not yelling at me, so I guess that’s a win.”

  I nodded.

  “Are you okay?” he asked slowly.

  “Me?” I blinked. “Yes, I’m fine. Why?”

  “No reason. Just making sure you’re good.”

  I fisted my hands at my sides, feeling as helpless as a flag in a windstorm. “If there’s anything I can do to help…”

  “There’s nothing.” He turned his focus back on me, and the emptiness I saw in those dark brown depths haunted me. “I told you, I’m fine.” He paused. “I’ll be fine.”

  “Like Finn was fine?” I asked quietly.

  After all, we all knew how un-fine he’d been.

  “No, I actually am fine. It’s not the first time I’ve lost someone I care about, and it won’t be the last.” He chugged back the last of his drink and set it down. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he rocked back on his heels. “I’m just trying to focus on my family right now like I said.”

  Inexplicably, unexpectedly, I wanted to be what he considered family. I was ready. The question was…was he? “I miss you, Joseph.”

  “I’ve been right here,” he said softly.

  I licked my lips and stepped closer. “I—”

  “Joey?” Meggie said from behind me. “They’re waiting for us to speak.”

  “All right, I’m coming,” he said, his voice impossibly soft.

  As Meggie walked away, I caught his hand.

  He stared down at it, then up at me with his eyes full of anger and pain and something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Longing maybe?

  “Can we talk tonight?”

  He squared his jaw. “The way I see it, there’s nothing left to talk about.”

  “Joey?” Meggie called angrily.