All Things Considered

by Debbie Macomber

  Judd Matthiessen was strong-willed and had complete confidence in himself and his abilities.

  In those brief seconds, Lanni knew nothing had changed about him. Nothing. He was the most devastating male she’d ever known, and every prayer she’d uttered over the last two years had been for naught. She didn’t want to love this man who had ripped her heart from her chest. But she had no option—she would always love him.

  Only she couldn’t allow him back into her life. He’d leave again and she refused to let him drag her and Jenny with him. She wasn’t a camp follower. Seattle was their home; it was where they belonged—all three of them.

  “Why are you here?” she demanded, her voice tight with shock.

  “My father’s dying.”

  Lanni felt her legs go weak. From what Judd had told her, the father and son had never been close. By the time Judd was eighteen he was on his own, supporting himself.

  Lanni had met Judd’s father when she was only a few months’ pregnant with Jenny. Stuart had come to dinner at their home in Seattle. The meeting had been strained and uncomfortable; the older Matthiessen had left early. The entire evening had been spent listening to Stuart tell Judd that the time to make something of his life was now—when he had a wife and a family; he offered to support them if Judd decided to go to college. Instead of being grateful for his father’s generous offer, Judd looked furious. He’d gone pale and quietly asked Stuart if he’d ever learn to accept him as he was.

  After they’d separated, Lanni had written Judd’s father and received a brief note in return, stating his disappointment that the marriage had failed. Conscientiously, Lanni had sent him birthday pictures of Jenny, but had never heard back from the elder Matthiessen. As far as Jenny knew, her only grandfather was Lanni’s father.

  “I—I’m sorry to hear about Stuart,” Lanni murmured, saddened.

  “I didn’t think you knew him well enough to feel any sadness,” Judd retorted.

  Lanni stared at him, biting back angry words. For his own part, Judd’s returning stare contained no emotion. He revealed no sympathy at Stuart’s illness, nor did he appear to feel any great sense of loss.

  “Your father’s illness doesn’t explain why you’re here,” she said again, her voice gaining strength and conviction.

  “Dad’s never seen Jennifer.”

  Automatically, Lanni’s arm closed around the little girl’s shoulders, pressing the child closer to her side. “What has that got to do with anything? I—I’ve sent him pictures.”

  Judd’s mouth thinned. “He wants to see her.”

  “I suppose he can come—”

  “I told you he’s dying. I’m taking Jennifer to him.”

  “No.” The word wobbled out on a note of disbelief. She wouldn’t let Judd take her daughter halfway across the country. Both Judd and his father were strangers to the child.

  Before either of them could say anything more, the doorbell chimed again.

  Jenny shot free of Lanni’s grip and hurried across the room to open the front door. Steve, holding a small bouquet of pink rosebuds, stepped inside. His broad smile quickly faded as he spied the small group standing there awkwardly. Everyone’s attention focused on Steve.

  “Hello,” he greeted everyone cordially, and shot Lanni a questioning glance.

  “Judd Matthiessen,” Judd announced, stepping forward and extending his hand. “I’m Lanni’s husband. Who are you?”

  From the way Steve’s jaw clenched, Lanni could tell that he was experiencing the same shock she’d suffered earlier. In an effort to rescue them all from further embarrassment, she accepted his flowers and smiled appreciatively. “Steve’s a good friend.”

  “How good?” he demanded. Judd’s gaze painfully pinned her to the wall, accusing her with his eyes until Lanni felt the anger swell up inside.

  “That’s none of your business,” Lanni shot back hotly.

  “Lanni and Steve were going out to dinner,” Jade inserted quickly, placing a calming arm around her sister’s shoulders.

  “Were going out,” Judd commented, placing heavy emphasis on the past tense. “We need to talk.”

  “Maybe it would be better if we arranged our dinner another night,” Steve said thoughtfully. The understanding look he shared with Lanni lent her confidence. She was furious with Judd.

  “Steve and I are going out,” she stated with a determination few would question. “I’m ready, as you can see. Judd stopped by unannounced, so there’s no reason for us to cancel our evening.”

  “Let me help you put the flowers in water,” Steve suggested, nodding toward the kitchen.

  Lanni looked blankly at the flowers in her hand, then caught a glimpse of the direction of his gaze.

  “She doesn’t need any help,” Judd announced.

  “As a matter of fact, I do,” Lanni countered quietly. Steve’s hand at her elbow guided her into the kitchen.

  “Steve, I’m so sorry,” Lanni murmured, embarrassed and miserable.

  “Don’t be. It isn’t your fault.” Steve shot a look over his shoulder before he cupped her shoulder with his hands. His dark eyes delved into hers, and without a word spoken, his gaze revealed the depth of his affection. “If the truth be known, I’m glad he’s here.”

  “But how could you, when…”

  “I know it’s a strain on you,” he said softly, encouragingly, “but now you can get those divorce papers signed and go about your life.”

  “I…should, shouldn’t I?” Divorce was such an ugly word—Lanni hated it, but the action was necessary. She would never be emotionally free of Judd until their marriage was legally dissolved.

  “Yes, you most definitely should.” He paused to kiss her forehead. “I’ll leave and we can talk in the morning.”

  “You’re a wonderful friend,” Lanni told him.

  Disappointment flared briefly in his eyes, but he quickly disguised it. “I want to be a whole lot more than your friend, Lanni.”

  “I know.” She dropped her gaze, uncertain about everything at the moment.

  When they returned to the living room, Judd’s look was angry enough to sear a hole through them both. Steve made his excuses and left; it took all of Lanni’s restraint not to whirl on Judd and ask him to leave, but that would solve nothing.

  The screen door closed with hardly a sound, and Jade moved into the center of the room, rubbing the palms of her hands together. “Since I’m not needed here, I’ll head on over to my aerobics class.”

  “It was good to see you again, Jade,” Judd said casually. “You’re looking good.”

  Jade’s soft chuckle filled the stark silence that enveloped the small room. “You always were my favorite brother-in-law.”

  “Jade!” Lanni was horrified by her own sister’s lack of tact.

  For the first time since his arrival, Judd grinned. Lanni couldn’t term it a real smile. Only one corner of his mouth edged upward, as though smiling went against his nature and he didn’t do it often.

  “I’m off,” Jade said, walking toward the door. “I’ll give you a call tomorrow.”

  “Good-bye, Aunt Jade.” Jenny ran to the living room window and waved eagerly to her aunt.

  Judd’s gaze rested on the child and softened perceptively. “You’ve done a good job with her.”

  “Thank you.” Her gaze flew to Jenny and she experienced anew the fierce tug of the maternal bond between mother and child.

  Seeming to feel her parents’ eyes, Jenny turned around. “Are you really my daddy? Mommy never said.”

  “I’m your daddy.”

  “I’ve been waiting to meet you.”

  Judd went down on one knee in front of the little girl. “And I’ve been waiting to see you, too.”

  “You don’t look like your picture.”

  Suddenly, Lanni r
ealized she still had the flowers in her hand. Shaking her head, she carried them into the kitchen and haphazardly placed them in a vase. After filling it with water, she set it in the middle of the kitchen table and returned to the living room.

  Jenny was sitting in her father’s lap and rubbing her small hands over the five-o’clock shadow that covered Judd’s face.

  “What’s this?”

  “Whiskers.”

  “How come I don’t have any?”

  Judd gave another of his almost smiles. “Girls don’t. Your skin will be as soft as your mother’s.”

  “Do you have a daddy, too?”

  Leave it to her astute daughter to have picked up on their earlier conversation.

  “Yes.” As always, whenever Judd mentioned his father, it was done briefly. For a moment Lanni thought she recognized something in those hard, dark eyes. Perhaps regret, or maybe even doubt, but she quickly dismissed the notion.

  “Is your daddy sick?”

  “He’s dying.”

  Lanni wished Judd had been a bit more subtle.

  “I had a goldfish who died once. We prayed over him and Mommy flushed him down the toilet.”

  Momentarily, Judd’s gaze met Lanni’s. She smiled weakly and gestured with her hand, letting him know she hadn’t known what else to do.

  “If your daddy dies, will you get a new one, like I got a new goldfish?” Jenny’s eyes, so like her father’s, stared intently at Judd’s.

  “No, I’m afraid not. I only have one father and you only have one father.”

  “You.”

  “That’s right, Jennifer.”

  Lanni took a step in their direction. “I call her Jenny.” Judd had no right to step into their lives like this and make demands. She regretted that Stuart was dying, but it was unreasonable for Judd to believe that she would just hand over her daughter.

  “I like it when he calls me Jennifer,” Jenny said, contradicting her mother.

  “Right.” Lanni sat on the armrest of the sofa, glaring at Judd. She was the one who was raising their child. He had a lot of nerve to waltz in without notice and start changing the way she did things.

  “What took you so long to get here?” Jenny asked.

  Judd’s gaze fell to his daughter and softened. Although Lanni was confused by the question, Judd appeared to understand. “I was working far, far away.”

  “Mommy showed me on a map.” She scooted off Judd’s lap and raced across the room and down the hallway to her tiny bedroom. Returning a minute later, Jenny fell to her knees on the worn carpet and flipped through the pages of the atlas until she found the pages Lanni had tabbed. The little girl glanced up proudly. “Here.” She pointed to the Middle Eastern country Lanni had outlined in red.

  “No, I was in Mexico.”

  Lanni felt a wave of fresh pain. The last letter she’d received had a foreign postmark showing Saudi Arabia. “You might have let me know.” She couldn’t swallow down the note of bitterness that cut deep into her words.

  “And have you return my letter unopened?” He hurled the angry words at her with all the force of his dominating personality. “Besides, Jade knew.”

  “Jade?”

  “You may not have had the decency to read my letters, but Jade kept in contact with me so I knew what was happening with you and Jenny.”

  “You…Jade?” Lanni was stunned, utterly and completely shocked.

  “You and I didn’t exactly part on the best of terms,” Judd murmured, his tone grim. “And you didn’t seem willing to work toward a reconciliation.”

  “I wasn’t willing to drag my daughter to some hovel while you chased rainbows. If that makes me unreasonable, then fine, I accept it—I’m unreasonable.”

  He recognized the hurt in her eyes and knew that nothing had changed. Several times over the last two years he’d exchanged letters with Jade, hungry for word of his wife and daughter. He couldn’t be what Lanni wanted, or Stuart, either, for that matter, but it didn’t mean he’d stopped caring about them. Without a moment’s hesitation he would have come, had he been needed. Stuart wanted him now, and he was on his way to his father.

  * * *

  —

  Judd watched Lanni as she nervously paced around the room. Jade had sent him long letters every four months or so, but Lanni’s sister had never mentioned this Steve character, so Judd assumed the relationship was fairly recent.

  Equal doses of betrayal and outrage burned through Lanni. Her own sister, whom she adored, had turned on her. Lanni couldn’t believe that Jade would do anything so underhanded.

  Lanni watched Jenny sitting on her father’s lap and her heart constricted. He wanted his daughter with him now, but he hadn’t been around when the child needed him most. From birth, Jenny had been a sickly infant. She suffered from ear infections and frequent bouts of asthmatic bronchitis. Lanni spent more nights in Jenny’s bedroom than she did in her own.

  Soon Judd was traveling, coming home sporadically. The space between his visits lengthened and the time spent with his family became shorter and shorter.

  Finally Lanni couldn’t take it anymore. There was plenty of work in Seattle for a skilled pipefitter. Judd didn’t need to travel—they could find a way to meet expenses as long as he was home and they were together.

  The next time Judd came home, waving the exorbitant paycheck he’d received for working in the Middle East, Lanni was waiting for him. She decided to put everything on the line—their love, their marriage, and their daughter. In her anger and frustration, she’d hurled accusations at him. Lanni burned with humiliation every time she remembered the terrible things she’d said to him. A thousand times since, she’d wished she could have swallowed back every word.

  On that one horrible night, Lanni forced Judd to choose. Either he stay in Seattle with them or everything was over. Judd had walked to the door, turned and asked her to come with him. He wanted her to travel with him—he felt suffocated in Seattle. She had no choice but to refuse. Judd left, and ten days later, Lanni filed for divorce.

  “Where’s Mexico?” Jenny asked, unaware of the undercurrents flowing through the room.

  Judd flipped through the pages and turned the atlas upside down in an effort to find what he wanted.

  “Here.” He knelt beside her and turned to the appropriate page.

  “Can I go there someday, too?”

  “If you want.”

  “What about Mommy?”

  Judd’s eyes sought Lanni’s. “She’d love the sun and the beach. You would, too, sweetheart.”

  “I want to go. Can we, Mommy?”

  Still numb from his announcement that Jade had been involved in any subterfuge, Lanni didn’t hear the question.

  “Can we go, Mommy? Can we?”

  The childishly eager voice forced Lanni into the present. “Go where, darling?”

  “To Mexico with Daddy.”

  “No,” she cried, flashing Judd a look that threatened bodily harm. If he was going to use Jenny against her, she’d throw him out the door. Her eyes told him as much. “There wouldn’t be any place for us to stay.” Silently she dared Judd to contradict her.

  “Is that still your excuse, Lanni?” The words were issued in a low hiss that was barely audible.

  “What’s yours, Judd?” she flared. “You’re the one who walked out on us. Remember? How have you salved your conscience?” She hadn’t meant to accuse him and hated herself for resorting to angry words. It always turned out like this. They couldn’t be civil to each other for more than a few minutes before the bitterness erupted like an open, festering wound.

  He stood, moving close to her. The anger drained from him and he lifted a thick strand of golden hair from the side of her face. When Lanni flinched and stepped away, Judd’s spirits plummeted. He’d tried so hard to reach her an
d had utterly failed. He had walked out, but only when there wasn’t any other option. He hadn’t wanted to leave, but he couldn’t stay. There were plenty of things he regretted in his life, but hurting Lanni would haunt him to his grave.

  It had been a mistake to marry her, he silently reflected, but he couldn’t help himself. He’d wanted her so badly that nothing on earth would have stopped him. She was perfect. Lovely and delicate. Her home and family had radiated more warmth and love than anything he’d ever known.

  Judd knew from the beginning that Lanni was special. With her, he could offer nothing less than marriage. He’d done so gladly, latching onto the elusive promise of happiness for the first time in his life.

  He liked to think that their first year together had been ordained by God. He’d never known what it meant to be part of a family.

  * * *

  —

  Lanni had flinched when Judd’s hand lifted her hair. She feared his touch. Despite all the hurt and bitterness that was between them, she could vividly remember the feel of his smooth skin beneath her fingers and the way her long nails had dug into his powerful muscles when they made love. They may have had their differences, but they were never apparent in bed. Judd had always been a fantastic lover.

  Dragging her eyes away from him, she turned to Jenny, lifting the small girl into her arms. Jenny was like a protective barrier against Judd.

  The glint of knowledge that lurked in his smiling eyes told her that he recognized her ploy.

  “I’m leaving in the morning,” he told her as Jenny squirmed in her arms.

  Unwilling to fight her daughter, Lanni set the child back on the carpet. “What do you mean?”

  “I told you I’m taking Jenny.”

  “Judd, no.” Her voice wobbled with regret. He couldn’t come in and expect her to willingly hand over her daughter. Her eyes sparked in his direction. She’d fight him with everything she had.

  “Listen.” Frustrated, Judd raked his fingers through his hair. “I’ll do everything possible to ensure her safety. I’m her father, for heaven’s sake. Don’t suffocate her the way you did me.”