All Things Considered

by Debbie Macomber

  Standing, he leaned over her and very gently kissed her brow. “I love you, Lanni.”

  “I know.” The moment was poignant, but Lanni couldn’t stifle a yawn. She felt wonderful, but exhausted. Despite her efforts to stay awake and talk to her husband, her eyelids felt as though they had weights tugging them closed. “I’m sorry, Judd”—she paused to yawn again, covering her mouth with the back of her hand—“but I can’t seem to stay awake.”

  “Sleep, little mother,” he whispered close to her ear. “Sleep.”

  Lanni did, for hours and hours. When she stirred, the first thing she noticed was Judd sprawled in the chair by the window. He had slouched down in what appeared to be an unlikely position for anyone to be able to sleep comfortably. His head lolled to one side and a thick thatch of dark hair fell across his wide brow. His arm hung loosely at his side; his knuckles brushed the floor.

  Lanni smiled at the long form draped so haphazardly in the visitor’s chair. His strong features were softened now in sleep. Lovingly, she watched the man who had come to be her world, and was astonished at the swell of emotion that went through her at the memory of the new life their love had created.

  Lanni blinked back her own tears. “Judd,” she whispered, afraid if he slept in that position much longer he’d get a crick in his neck.

  Dazed, Judd looked up and straightened. Their eyes met, and as long as she lived, Lanni would remember the love that radiated from his warm, dark eyes.

  * * *

  —

  The lukewarm bathwater lapped at her skin and Lanni pulled herself from thoughts of the past and into the reality that was her life now. How sad it was that a love so beautiful and pure should ever have gone so wrong.

  Lanni rose from the water and reached for her towel. Judd had been gone two years—and in reality longer than that. The last months before their final separation, he had been home infrequently. He started traveling to help pay the mounting medical expenses following Jenny’s birth. The money in Alaska was good, and there were even better wages, Judd claimed, in the Middle East. Lanni had been forced to admit that they had enough pressing bills to warrant his taking a job elsewhere.

  Dressing in her shimmery robe and fuzzy slippers, she crept quietly into Jenny’s bedroom. The little girl was sound asleep, curled on her side with her doll, Betsy, tucked under her arm. Gently, Lanni brushed the thin wisps of hair from her angelic face. Jenny was everything that had ever been good between her and Judd. She would always be grateful that she had this child. She couldn’t have Judd, but Jenny was all hers.

  The phone pealed impatiently in the distance and Lanni rushed from the room, not wanting the loud ring to wake her daughter.

  “Hello,” she said, somewhat breathlessly.

  “Hi there. It’s Steve. I heard you sold the Rudicelli house.” His low voice revealed his pride in her accomplishment.

  Steve Delaney was an agent in the same office as Lanni. They’d worked together for the last year and had become good friends, often teaming up for broker’s opens and open houses. Lanni wasn’t interested in becoming emotionally involved with any of her coworkers, and she’d avoided any formal dates with Steve. They’d gone on picnics, to a baseball game when the office handed out free tickets, and even a couple of lunches at a restaurant close to the office. Steve knew Lanni was still married, but after he’d questioned her about Judd, the realtor seemed satisfied that the marriage was over in every way but legally.

  They’d continued to see each other over the last three months, and though Lanni enjoyed Steve’s companionship, she wasn’t interested in a deeper relationship.

  Recently, however, Steve had been urging Lanni to do what she could to get the divorce business settled. He felt that she would never be able to face the future until she settled the past. Although he hadn’t told her he was falling in love with her, Lanni could see it in his eyes. He wanted her marriage to Judd to be over so he could pursue her himself.

  “I took the earnest money this afternoon,” Lanni said.

  “Great. It looks like I may have a buyer for the Bailey place,” he said, then added thoughtfully, “Have you noticed what a good team we make?”

  Lanni decided the best answer was to pretend she hadn’t heard the question.

  “The Baileys will be pleased.” They’d made their offer on the Rudicelli house contingent on the sale of their own two-story Colonial. Now it looked like everything was going to work out perfectly.

  “I think we should celebrate.”

  Lanni hesitated. Lately Steve had found more and more excuses for them to be together, so not only did they share the same office during the day, but they were seeing each other in the evenings as well. He was patient with Jenny and the two appeared to get along well.

  “Don’t you think it’s a bit premature to celebrate?” she asked. Steve knew it was common for house deals to fall through for any number of reasons.

  “Maybe, but we deserve it; just you and me, Lanni.” His voice dipped slightly. “I’ll cook dinner for you at my place.”

  Still she hesitated. She liked Steve, but she wasn’t ready for an emotional commitment, and an intimate dinner together could cause problems. “Let me think on it.”

  “Come on, Lanni, loosen up a bit. Enjoy life.”

  Steve was a fun guy; she hated to disappoint him. “I don’t know—we’ve been seeing a lot of each other recently.”

  Lanni could feel him weigh his words. “I haven’t made any secret of how I feel about you. I’m not going to rush you into anything you don’t want. I’m a patient man; you’ve been hurt and the last thing in the world I want to do is cause you any more pain. I enjoy your company, and I promise I’m not going to put any pressure on you. Let me pamper you the way you deserve: champagne, a candlelight dinner, music.”

  “Oh, Steve, I don’t know.” Lanni understood what made him the top salesperson for the firm. He was smooth and sincere and persuasive. And frankly, she was tempted.

  “Jade could watch Jenny for one night,” he coaxed. “What if I promise to have you home before midnight?”

  “I’m not Cinderella.”

  “To me you are.”

  His voice was so warm and enticing that for a moment Lanni wavered. Everything she’d avoided in the last two years was facing her, demanding that she make a decision. She couldn’t spend the rest of her life cooped up, afraid to trust and love again. She worked so hard being the best mother and realtor possible that it seemed her life was void of any real fun and laughter.

  “Come on, Lanni,” he cajoled.

  Lanni squeezed her eyes shut. She thought of Jenny making up stories about her father to impress the other children. The girl needed a male influence. Lanni’s father was wonderful with the child, but Jenny seemed to require someone more than a grandfather.

  “Do this for yourself,” Steve prodded gently.

  “I’ll check with my sister and see if she can babysit,” Lanni murmured, succumbing.

  “That’s my girl,” Steve murmured, obviously pleased.

  They spoke for only a few minutes longer, but by the time Lanni replaced the receiver she was convinced she’d done the wrong thing in accepting Steve’s invitation. The problem with Jenny lying at the preschool had made Lanni vulnerable.

  The following day, Lanni regretted her impulsive acceptance, but not to the point that she was willing to cancel the date. It put everything between her and Steve in a new light. It frightened Lanni, but at the same time she realized she couldn’t torture herself with thoughts of Judd forever.

  But if Lanni was amazed at herself for her willingness to trudge ahead in her relationship with Steve, she was shocked by Jade’s reaction.

  “Are you sure this is what you want?” Jade asked that evening, when Lanni mentioned the dinner with Steve.

  “I think so.” Lanni was nothing
if not honest.

  “Why now, after two long years?”

  Lanni was confused herself. “Because it’s time.” She had come a long way this week in sorting through her feelings for Steve and she wasn’t about to step back because her sister disapproved. It was true that Steve didn’t inspire passion within her, but she’d had that once and now she considered it highly overrated.

  Jade made a rueful sound.

  “What was that all about?”

  “Nothing,” Jade answered with a distracted look.

  Lanni’s green eyes darkened. “You don’t like Steve, do you?”

  “He’s all right.” For emphasis, Jade shrugged one shoulder. “I’m just wondering what Judd would say if he knew you were romantically interested in another man.”

  Lanni’s mouth went dry. “He probably wouldn’t care. I haven’t heard a word from Judd in well over a year.”

  “That doesn’t mean he’s stopped caring. He’s got his pride, too. How long did you expect him to continue reaching out to you only to have you reject every attempt?”

  Color blossomed in Lanni’s cheeks. “He should never have left us the way he did. Believe me, I’m well aware of what Judd thinks and feels.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “I just am.” In an effort to disguise her dismay, Lanni stood and walked to the sliding glass door that opened onto the patio and small yard. Jenny was in her sandbox, playing contentedly with her toys. “I sometimes wonder if he even thinks about Jenny and me.”

  “Oh, Lanni, I’m sure he does.”

  Folding her arms around her waist, Lanni shook her head absently. “I somehow doubt it.”

  “But he sends you support every month—”

  “Money!” The word escaped on the tail end of a long sigh. “I’ll admit he’s been generous. He always was—to a fault.”

  “Lanni, listen.” Jade nodded annoyingly and joined her sister. “I’m convinced you’re wrong. Judd thinks about you all the time. He must.”

  “He doesn’t.” She dropped her hands and moved away. “It’s been two years, Jade. Two years. Time says it all. I’m having dinner with Steve; I deserve an evening out. If you won’t stay with Jenny, then I’ll find someone else who will.”

  Jade’s shoulders sagged in defeat. “Of course I’ll sit with her.”

  Almost immediately, Lanni felt guilty for having snapped at her younger sister. Since Judd had left, Jade had been a godsend; Lanni would never be able to work as many hours as she did without her sister’s help. “I didn’t mean to be so sharp with you.”

  Jade’s smile was instantaneous. “I only want what’s best for you and Jenny.” Making an effort to lighten the mood, Jade reached for a sack with a prominent department store’s name boldly written across the side. “Hey, did I tell you I signed up for an aerobics class?”

  “Not again.” Lanni wasn’t surprised at her sister’s latest effort to lose weight. The last time Jade had signed up for a dance class, she’d convinced Lanni to join her. When her eyebrows started to sweat, Lanni knew it was time to quit.

  “Get this,” Jade added, laughing. “The lady on the phone told me to wear loose clothes. Good heavens, if I had any loose clothes I wouldn’t be taking the class in the first place!”

  “So what’s in the sack?”

  “Bodysuit, leotard, leg warmers, and a disgustingly expensive nylon jacket. The whole bit. I figure that since I spent my monthly food allowance on this outfit, everything will be loose by the time I take the first class.”

  “Honestly, Jade…”

  Jade stopped her by holding up the palm of her hand. “This time I mean it.”

  Lanni had heard it all before, but she nodded as seriously as possible, somehow managing not to laugh. “I know you can do it.”

  “Of course I can. Exercise is the answer. I’m going to stop worrying about what I eat and concentrate on the basic elements of burning calories and expending the proper amount of energy in relation to the amount of food consumed. Sounds good. Right?”

  “Right.”

  “You don’t believe me?” Jade challenged.

  “I already told you I know you can do it.”

  “So says the woman who can live three weeks on a compliment.”

  “You’re exaggerating.”

  “All right, two weeks.”

  “Now, don’t insult me by saying that if I caught a chest cold there wouldn’t be any place to put it.”

  “In addition to no boobs, you’re much too thin.”

  Lanni couldn’t argue. “I’m working on it.”

  “You know what I think?”

  Lanni was beginning to doubt the wisdom of asking. “What?”

  “I think you and Judd should get back together. When you were pregnant with Jenny, you looked wonderful. I’ve never seen you happier.”

  The instant sorrow that engulfed her was so strong that for a moment Lanni couldn’t breathe. What Jade said was true, but that happiness had been so fleeting, so fragile, that it had lasted only a few months. Lanni dropped her gaze and sadly shook her head. “It wouldn’t work again. There’s been too much water under the bridge, as they say. Judd’s not coming back. After all this time, we’d be strangers.” Probably even more so now.

  “How can you be so sure?” Jade questioned softly.

  “Listen,” she mumbled, “do you mind if we don’t talk about Judd anymore?”

  “But it could help you—”

  “Jade, I mean it. Enough. With Jenny bringing up his name every day and you hounding me with questions about him—it’s just too much. I’m about to go crazy. We were married and we failed. I’ve got a fantastic little girl to remember him by, but my husband is gone. It’s over, and I’ve got a life to live.”

  Jade became strangely quiet and left soon after the conversation ended.

  * * *

  —

  As the days progressed, Lanni’s conscience didn’t ease about the dinner date with Steve. A couple of times it was on the tip of her tongue to cancel, but whenever she approached him, Steve would smile and tell her how much he was looking forward to their evening together. His eyes grew tender and Lanni refused to give in to her doubts. Perhaps if she hadn’t made such a big issue of it with Jade, she might have found a way to gracefully extract herself.

  The night of their arranged dinner, Lanni felt as nervous as a teenager on prom night. Her heart pounded with a hundred questions. By the time she was dressed, half her closet had been draped over the top of her bed. Clothes said so much, and the dress she picked was meant to tell Steve that she was not optimistic about this dinner and their relationship.

  “What do you think?” she asked her sister, feeling painfully inadequate.

  “Hey, you look great,” Jade murmured, stepping back to examine Lanni.

  “This isn’t a time to tease. I feel terrible: A hornet’s nest has taken up residence in my stomach. I can’t do a thing with my hair.” For years she’d worn it in the same style, parted in the middle in a smooth, even line. Her honey-gold hair hung loosely, framing her oval face, and tucked in naturally just above the line of her shoulder. Judd had once told her that her hair color resembled moonbeams on a starlit night. What a terrible time to remember something like that.

  “What’s wrong?” Jade gave her an odd look. “You’ve gone pale.”

  Gripping the back of the kitchen chair, Lanni offered her sister a feeble smile. “I don’t know that I’m doing the right thing.”

  “It’s not too late to call it off.”

  The doorbell chimed.

  “It’s too late,” Lanni said evenly. Almost two years too late.

  “I’ll get it.” Jenny rushed past Lanni, toward the front door.

  Lanni cast a panicked glance in that direction. “My makeup isn’t on too heavy,
is it?” Her eyes begged Jade to tell her that everything was perfect.

  Jade, however, appeared more interested in adding sunflower seeds to her yogurt and stirring in fresh fruit.

  “Jade?” she pleaded again.

  “I already told you, you look great.”

  “Yes, but you didn’t say it with any real conviction.”

  Dramatically, Jade placed her hand over her heart. “You look absolutely marvelous, darling.”

  “Mommy, Mommy—” Jenny came racing back into the kitchen. “There’s a man at the door who says he’s my daddy.”

  Two

  Jenny’s words hit Lanni with all the force of a wrecking ball slamming against the side of a brick building. Frantically, her gaze flew to her sister as though asking Jade to tell her it wasn’t true. Jade’s expression was as shocked as Lanni’s.

  “Is he, Mommy? Is he really my daddy?” Jenny began to jump up and down all over the small kitchen. She grabbed Lanni’s hand and literally dragged her into the living room.

  No time was allowed for Lanni to compose herself, or to collect her thoughts. Her lungs felt void of oxygen; her eyes were wide with shock. Distraught, she could find nothing to say.

  “Hello, Lanni.” Judd stood just inside the door, more compelling than she dared remember.

  “Judd.” He hadn’t changed. The range of emotions that seared through her was the same as the first time she’d seen him. He was tall, and as lean as an Arctic fox. His shoulders were wide and his hips narrow. Every inch of him almost shouted of strength, stamina, and experience. There wasn’t a place he hadn’t been or an experience he’d bypassed along the way—including marriage.

  Long hours in the sun had bronzed the angular planes of his face, creasing permanent lines on his forehead. His eyes were dark and bold, glinting with a touch of irony that told her he wouldn’t be easily fooled. He knew the effect he had on her and would use it to his advantage.