by Lyn Lowe
“Because sometimes I didn’t,” he answered. “And I need to know which one was right.”
Peren was quiet just long enough to make him worry she was upset. But when she spoke, her voice showed no sign of any emotion at all. “She was very angry. I didn’t understand why. She kept saying I was ruining everything. When I asked what I was doing, she hit me.”
Kaie cringed, the image of such an event far too easy to summon up.
“After that, she calmed down. She said that she would only let you go if I paid for you.”
He cringed again, hearing the words echo in his head. “So you gave her your mirror.”
Peren tilted her head in its spot on his shoulder until she could look into his eyes. Kaie met her gaze reluctantly. The pain he expected wasn’t there, though. All he saw was concern. “Not at first. I said she could have anything. She made me tell her about everything.”
He let out a slow breath of air, wondering what he did to warrant such an offer from a girl who he knew so little about. He wanted to ask but was afraid of the answer. “She didn’t want the tangerine, huh?”
Peren smiled. “I was surprised, too.”
“It was your mirror.”
“My mother’s mirror,” she confirmed. “I told Amorette it was the only thing Vaughan and I had left of her. Then she laughed and said it was a start.”
Kaie couldn’t stand looking at her any more. Bad enough when it was just a pretty trinket. “I’ll get you another. It won’t be enough, I know. But I’ll get you another.”
He could feel her chuckling into his shoulder. “Will you buy it with your smile?”
“I’ll figure something out. I promise.”
“You’re very sweet,” Peren said softly. “But there’s no use worrying about it. It was just an object. The only value was what I decided to give to it.”
“It was your mother’s.”
Her hand stroked the side of his face. She was trying to coax his eyes open. He could deny her nothing. Not anymore.
“I decided its value was you being safe from her. I think my mother would approve.”
Kaie shook his head. “It wasn’t worth it.”
She stuck out her tongue. “You’re here. Walking and talking. So I get to decide, and I say it was.”
He wanted to argue more, because she was wrong. But the way she was looking at him, like his presence set everything right, Kaie couldn’t bring himself to take that from her. “And Samuel? What was he doing here? Who was he? I know he was Luna’s. I saw him, the day before…”
A cloud passed over Peren’s face. Her eyes left his and drifted over to the fire. “Yes, he was Lady Luna’s.”
“But he didn’t have a collar. At least, I didn’t see one.”
“Lady Luna has plenty of experiments. The collar is just her favorite. Samuel wasn’t.” That got filed away. It was important. He just didn’t know why. Yet. “I don’t know what she did to him. But everyone knows he doesn’t talk. And that he hurts people. Especially girls.”
“Why would someone like that be with Amorette?”
Peren shrugged. When she said nothing for several minutes, Kaie realized she wasn’t going to elaborate. Maybe she couldn’t. He didn’t want to ask the next question. It wasn’t one that would rest though. “Why did he hurt you? He was with her, and you gave her what she wanted. So why?”
“I shouldn’t have said it.”
“Said what?”
“He was there from the beginning. He came in with her. I asked her about him, and she said something about a deal with Lady Luna. I didn’t really understand. But he was going to leave with her, before I said it.” He waited. She sighed. “I was worried. He worried me. I told her that if I was paying, you were mine. And that meant she couldn’t hurt you.”
Kaie groaned. He could see it, all of it. Spinning through his head like a horrible play, determined to make him suffer for every blow she took. “Why? Why do good people keep getting hurt to protect me?”
The chuckle came from somewhere deep in Peren’s throat. “You really don’t know the effect you have on the rest of us, do you?”
“I don’t do anything.”
“You do.” Something in the fire shifted, sending up a rain of sparks. The light played off her angles, giving him a glimpse of something truly beautiful. “You give us hope, Kaie. Just being near you. Something about you helps us all remember what we used to be. Before we gave up. My brother thinks it’s something about the way you channel the Jhoda. I think it’s just who you are.”
“Must be why I’m so popular.”
She laughed again. Even now, especially now, it was nice to hear. “Exactly. Even the Mistress likes you.”
It came out before he could stop it. “Amorette didn’t.”
“Not everyone can stand remembering,” she murmured, her fingers tracing a pattern onto his chest. “Some people need to believe that what they’ve become is all they could ever be. That’s not your fault. Not even if you want it to be.”
They lapsed into silence after that. Kaie didn’t want to listen to her find all the different ways to convince him he wasn’t to blame. She believed it. He knew that. But he also knew better.
Sleep was threatening. She was still tracing that pattern on his chest. It was strange and relaxing, in equal parts. Just like everything else about her.
“You want to see Sojun, don’t you?”
“Mmhmm,” he replied, half asleep already.
“He won’t help you figure out if which was right.”
“I know,” Kaie admitted. “But I have to tell him anyway.”
Thirty-Five
The Mistress was due back that night. Vaughan told him that Luna and Josephine were both eager to tell the Lady Autumnsong why two slaves were dead. But while he knew that he might be handed over to Luna’s ministrations as a result of the events of that day, he found it difficult to worry about.
There was no way to plan for anything. He didn’t know what Lady Autumnsong would decide to do with him, and he couldn’t impact that decision in any way now. So it was difficult to spend time with Vaughan, who could do nothing but worry. Peren was better. She never mentioned any concern on the matter. But he still caught her fidgeting with her hair or watching him sadly when she thought he wasn’t looking. Their concern weighed on him, testing his patience and fraying his temper. So his time in the stables became increasingly precious.
It was a better distraction that he expected, giving him large chunks of time where he didn’t think about the dead at all. It wasn’t happiness. Kaie didn’t think that was possible anymore. But it let him slip into a sort of numbed contentment that was just as soothing as the goop Peren used on his hands that first week.
Apparently it showed because Stephen decided to add more responsibilities to his daily routine. Now he was brushing down the horses as well as any of the other men in the stables. He was surprised to discover he genuinely enjoyed the task. Each animal was unique, dealt with him in a different way. Some trusted him without thought. But his favorite, the stallion, was a challenge. He needed to prove himself over and over.
In a rare instance of conversation with Stephen, Kaie learned the dark brown beast was a rescue of sorts. He was mistreated by his former Mistress. Lady Autumnsong was so distressed when she witnessed it that she offered three times what the horse was worth just to get him away from the unworthy owner. But even after a year in the Autumnsong stables, he still expected the pain from his past. Kaie didn’t blame him. Some hurts never healed.
He was caring for the stallion, taking care not to get too close to the teeth that were always eager for unguarded flesh, when Sojun arrived.
The sallow husk that rambled up and watched him without a word was, at first, completely unrecognizable. Kaie continued his work for a while, trying to sort out why he was of such interest to what looked like a corpse. Everyone else in the stable was gone, melted away so completely only the stranger’s presence could account for it. He was just starting to worry ab
out plague when he noticed the thick black collar.
He couldn’t breathe. Gods, where did all the air go?
Vaughan promised to make this happen. It took many mornings and more than a handful of arguments, but the boy finally accepted that Kaie wouldn’t be dissuaded. Still, a part of him didn’t really believe. All Vaughan needed to do was wait him out, after all. In another day or two, the Lady Autumnsong might well be handing him over to Luna and her experiments. Kaie wouldn’t even hold it against him. But he kept his word after all.
A nip on his hand woke him. The stallion, in a very uncharacteristic act of mercy, decided not to take his fingers when he bit. But even the gentle, almost affectionate, press of teeth to skin was enough to draw blood. It was his own fault, forgetting what he was doing and letting his hand hang in easy reach. And, despite the pain, Kaie was relieved. Finishing his work and wrapping his hand gave him a task to occupy himself while he worked on sorting out the cacophony in his head. Sojun seemed content to watch, saying nothing and rocking slightly from one leg to the other.
He finished too quickly. With nothing else to do, there was no reason not to speak. But Kaie still didn’t know what he needed to say. This wasn’t the strong protector from his memories. He was barely a shell of that boy. Kaie couldn’t wrap his mind around this transformation. Even as he noticed features that undeniably belonged to his heart’s brother, he was trying to convince himself he was wrong. Sojun’s hair would never be thinning like this. Those might be his eyes, but they would never be so bloodshot, so vacant. His friend’s shoulders would never be so stooped, his flesh never so loose. But it was Jun. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t, no matter how hard he worked at it.
The silence stretched and pulled taut. Either he needed to speak or leave. It was past the point where he must choose which, and was fast becoming intolerable. Even when he opened his mouth, Kaie wasn’t sure which of the two he was picking. He was so grateful for words coming out, he almost didn’t notice what they were.
“You’re alive.”
Sojun laughed. But the sound was all wrong. Like he was mimicking a laugh he heard from someone else. It didn’t feel fake, not exactly, but displaced.
The next words were harder. Impossible. But if he didn’t get them out now, Kaie knew he wouldn’t. He was too much of a coward. “Amorette is dead.”
The corpse nodded, his eyes darting up and around like a stone ricocheting off walls before finally settling on the stall door Kaie just closed. “Mistress told me.”
“Lady Autumnsong?” He was genuinely confused. The question drew another of those odd laughs.
“Real Mistress. My love. My nightmare. Mistress.” He rubbed at his arms, twitching with every gesture. Kaie couldn’t tell if it was because moving hurt him or because his whole body was shaking slightly. “She says you killed her.”
His words got stuck on something thick in his throat and came out sounding strangled. “I guess I did.”
Sojun nodded. Like they were discussing the weather. “Amorette. Ams. I remember her, sometimes. Pretty like sunshine. She came to see me. Mistress brought her. She said you fucked her.”
Kaie flinched. “Yeah.” He took a deep breath, forcing the words past the blockage developing in his throat. “I’m so sorry, Jun.”
“She wanted me to hurt. Mistress too. Mistress likes it when I hurt. Hurting will make me stronger. But I didn’t. Not then. Not for that. I told her. She got mad, but I told her.”
“Told her?” Kaie wasn’t even sure which ‘her’ they were talking about or if Sojun knew.
“I forgive him. You. I told her. She was mad. Mistress was mad. Said it was weak. I’m not supposed to be weak. But I don’t lie to Mistress, so the girl wasn’t allowed to hit me.”
Kaie rocked backward. “You forgive me?”
“That’s what I told her,” Sojun answered, not seeming to understand what Kaie meant. “The first time she was mad and Mistress was mad. But last time, Mistress said it was okay. That it was good. Because you were going to come see me soon, and we should still be friends.”
“Last time?” He tried to sort out what the man was saying. “Amorette told you we had sex more than once?”
“Sixty-seven times. Counting, counting. Every time it’s not me, she counts. She says you are bigger than me. Better. That you make her scream so loud the people in your house want to move out.”
“What?” Kaie struggled to keep the anger out of his voice. “No! One time, Jun. Just one. It was a mistake. I don’t know why Amorette said that, but I swear it was only the one time.” That was a lie. He knew exactly why she said it. She wanted to hurt them both, as much as she could. Wasn’t that what she told him?
“I told her, I forgive you. Amorette was weak. She had to be weak, to be dead. Only the weak ones die.” He frowned, the right side of his face jerking independently of the rest of the expression. “I was weak, once. Before Mistress taught me how to be strong. I said things. Secrets. Bad secrets, ones that were supposed to stay hidden inside me until they put me in the ground. One about you.”
“I know. It’s ok, Jun. It wasn’t your fault.”
Sojun spat at his feet. “Was! I was weak! Filthy, bad, weak!” His face shifted. Emptied. Like something reached in and yanked out whatever was left inside the husk of his friend. When he looked back to Kaie, there was nothing recognizable in those hollow eyes. “Don’t let her get you, Rosy. Better weak, better dead, better anything, then with Mistress.”
“I don’t get a say in it, Jun.” Needing some excuse to look away, Kaie headed over to where the feed was kept. It was too early. Stephan would be as upset as the stoic man ever got. But better that then stare into that vacant face another second. “All I can do is wait and see what Lady Autumnsong decides to do with me.”
Fingers that were more like claws wrapped around his arm. They dug in so deeply it hurt. “She’ll give you to Mistress. Has to. Mistress said so. But you can’t let her. Take the other way. Promise. Promise you’ll take the other way.”
“There isn’t another way!” He was ashamed to be yelling. But he did it anyway. Better shouts than the tears burning in his eyes. “If I die, they’ll blame Peren! I can’t do that to her! Same thing, if I try to run! There’s nothing I can do that won’t get her killed!”
“Not nothing. Bad, filthy, weak. But not hers. Not dead. Keep your promise. Not nothing. Something. I can help. Keep her from getting you.” Sojun dropped his hold. The stable doors called to Kaie, pleading with him to walk out now. He saw enough, said enough. He wanted to tell Sojun and now that was done. He could walk away and wait for tomorrow with that one thing lifted from his conscious. That could be enough.
He turned around. Sojun’s face split into a grin, the right side still jerking. “What?”
Thirty-Six
“Lord Peter won’t let me see you tomorrow,” Vaughan said miserably, poking at the food in the bowl with a clear lack of interest. “I tried explaining, but… He’s afraid of what Lady Luna would think. He didn’t want to let me come tonight.”
Kaie smiled, secretly relieved. Getting through tonight would be hard enough. He wasn’t sure he could survive a scene tomorrow as well. “It’s ok. Honestly, I think you’re making this too big of a deal. The Lady Autumnsong likes me, remember? And Stephan said he’s going to tell her how invaluable I am at the stables. Everyone knows Samuel hurt girls, right? I bet she decides I get a few lashes and then things go back to normal.”
“Yeah,” Vaughan said, the boy’s tone making it very clear he wasn’t convincing anyone. “You’re probably right. No big deal. I need to get back. Dinner was perfect, Peren. Thanks.”
“Hey,” Kaie regretted the word even as he said it. Better he just let Vaughan go. Anything he said now would make it harder for all of them. But it was too late to stop. The boy was already looking at him with those eyes, every bit as big as Peren’s if not nearly so intense. “Thanks. For everything you’ve done since the minute you walked into that tent and hea
led me.”
Vaughan smiled. “It’s been an honor, Bruhani.”
“What does that mean, anyway?”
The boy blinked. “You don’t know? I thought Peren would have told you.”
Peren giggled, waving her hands frantically. “Don’t you tell him, Auny!” She looked to Kaie and winked. “Ask again after tomorrow.”
He grinned. “When I earn it?”
She nodded. Vaughan rolled his eyes. “Sometimes I feel like you two are speaking another language entirely.”
“We are,” Kaie teased. That won him another giggle. “Get some sleep tonight, Vaughan. I’ll see you on the other side, yeah?”
After a minute of scrutiny, where Kaie feared he tipped his hand, the boy nodded. “Ok, yeah. I’ll see you then.”
The minute the blanket fell back over the door, Peren was tugging the bowl out of his hands and collected Vaughan’s as well. He let it go without much of a fight, most of the food gone already. He didn’t feel particularly inclined to eat the salted pork. Ever again, actually. But that was another matter.
He watched as she arranged the bowls in a neat little triangle in the far corner of the shack. Then, with her back still turned to him, she tugged off her shirt. Kaie choked on the noise coming out of his throat and quickly threw his gaze to the opposite wall. Not before he caught sight of bandages wrapped around her chest and milky white skin. The blush crept up his neck and into his cheeks. Certain she didn’t have any idea how uncomfortable she was making him, he struggled to come up with anything to say that wasn’t about how very topless she was.
“Are you…” He cleared his throat of whatever was making his voice squeak and tried again. “Are you hurt?”
“No.”
“But those bandages…” He bit back a curse. This was Peren. He shouldn’t be this awkward. Not with her. He shouldn’t be thinking about how so much softer the lines of her shoulders and curve of her back looked without a shirt. Or how he was pretty sure she wasn’t twelve.
“I have to hide,” she answered as though he managed to finish the question. “I told you, I’m invisible. If I go around looking too much like a girl, someone is bound to notice and you aren’t hiding if you’re getting noticed. So I wear big clothes and hide all the curvy bits under bandages Vaughan brings me. But I don’t want to hide right now.”