You and I Alone

by Melissa Toppen

  I don't know what it is about him that has me fighting every step of the way. He wants to fuck me too, that much he's made clear. But it's everything else that makes me hesitant. I don't like the thought of being another number. I like being different. I like having the power and the control and it's clear he does too.

  Maybe that's my biggest issue of all. Control. I want to be able to control everything around me. I want to know that when I am with a man, I am all he wants. I want to be his sole focus. It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel alive. I think with Bentley, it would be a fight for that power and it's a fight I think I would lose. Having never been in that situation, I'm fearful as to how that would feel.

  “Here we are.” He says, breaking into my thoughts as the car slows to stop next to my beat up old clunker.

  “Thank you for dinner.” I say, turning slightly to face him. The moment I do though, I am pulled into his arms and the next thing I know, his lips are crashing down on mine. I have no time to react as his tongue sweeps inside of my mouth until the only thing that exists in this moment is him.

  Not able to fight against the pull of electricity between us, I kiss him back with just as much force. He may be hell bent on leaving his mark on me, but that doesn't mean that I am not hell bent on doing the exact same thing to him.

  I expect him to make a move. Suggest we go somewhere. Touch me even. So when he does none of those things and abruptly breaks away from my mouth, I am left not only a panting mess of want and need, but also very confused.

  “Goodnight Logan.” He says, turning his eyes forward again. Realizing immediately the turn of events, I can't help but smile and push open the passenger side door.

  “Goodnight Mr. Reed.” I say, peeling myself from the leather bucket seat and not once looking at him as I shut the door and turn towards my car.

  I can't help but laugh as I watch his car pull away. That asshole actually thought that by getting me all worked up and then shutting me down, he was going to change my mind about sleeping with him. And though the thought sounds ridiculous to me, I also can't deny that in a way, it may have worked.

  In some strange way, him being the one to shut down on me makes me want him that much more. Is that crazy? I feel like it seems crazy and yet, there's no denying the fire coursing through me right now. I may have entered into this just wanting to come out on the other end unscathed. But now I am starting to think the only way to do that is to fuck him and get him out of my system.

  Climbing into my car, I stick the key in the ignition and groan when the engine kicks to life with a rumbling sound so loud, its a wonder that the car still even starts. It isn't until I am pulling out of the lot, that I realize that Josh's car is still here. Allure doesn't close until five in the morning but it's very rare that Josh stays past one or two. Considering it's well after three, I can't help but wonder what he's doing. Knowing I can't just go in and find out what's up without drawing attention to the fact that I was out with Bentley, I turn my attention forward.

  Pulling out into the street, I enjoy the sleeping city around me as I make my way back towards campus. I love being awake when everyone else is asleep. There is something so freeing about being in a city of thousands and yet being completely alone at the same time.

  It doesn't take long before I am quietly slipping into my dorm room, being extra careful not to wake Andrea as I fumble through the darkness towards my bed. Collapsing down on the mattress fully clothed, my eyelids feel heavy the moment my head hits the pillow.

  Not able to find the strength to do anything else, I try desperately to shake the vision of piercing blue eyes staring back at me and what those eyes make me feel. It doesn't take long before I feel myself starting to drift. One moment I am thinking of strong hands and full lips and the next, I am lost to the blackness.

  Chapter Six

  “Anna! Anna! Get your ass up.” I hear Andrea's voice break through the wall of sleep. “Damn it Anna. Get up!” She says again, shaking me violently.

  “What?” I bite out, smacking her away as I roll over and bury my face into the pillow.

  “We are late. Shit. Shit. Shit. So late.” I hear her bounce around the room as her words settle over me. Suddenly, everything becomes clear and I shoot up in bed, frantically searching for the time.

  “Our English final starts in fifteen minutes.” Andrea continues on, stopping for a split second to throw a pair of jeans at my head. “Get dressed. Come on!” She urges, having no patience for my still waking mind.

  Pulling myself from the bed still foggy with sleep, I try to gain some sense of what is happening around me. Quickly slipping on the jeans Andrea got out for me, I run to the dresser and pull out the first shirt I can find, a royal blue v-neck fitted t-shirt. Throwing it over my head, I grab my gray bag and start shoving in books and notes that are still sprawled all over the floor from me and Andrea's late night study session. Being the only class we have together, we made a night of it with pizza and wine. Clearly we are paying for that decision this morning.

  This is my last final of the semester and leave it to me to oversleep. And even though I am rushing around in a half panic with my toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, I am also so very excited for this semester to finally be coming to an end. This is the first summer that I have opted to not take any classes and instead of staying on campus, I will be staying with my adopted mom Patty. I only have a year left and I really want to focus on making some extra money this summer. Have some savings when I finally venture out into the real world.

  Josh agreed to let me have an extra night at the club. Thankfully things have pretty much returned to normal these past couple of weeks and Josh has all but let go of the little incident with Bentley. I just wish I could let it go.

  Hopefully keeping busy this summer will help me refocus. During the day I will be helping Patty teach her five to nine year old summer ballet program at PW Dance Studio. It's the studio where I learned to dance and spent years training in.

  Patty was the only person I had after my grandma passed, and had she not stepped in an adopted me after my knee injury, who knows where I would be today. Only she could understand what I had lost when I lost my ability to dance. I will forever be grateful for her and am so excited to get to spend the summer with her.

  She lives just twenty minutes outside of the city so commuting to the club and the studio wont be an issue. Well, as long as my car holds up that is. One day at a time I guess.

  “You ready?” Andrea pulls me from my thoughts as I stuff the last book in my bag.

  “Ready.” I say, quickly following her out of our dorm.

  ****

  “So you think you passed then?” Patty asks, after having to hear the drama of how my day started as we sit across the table from one another.

  “I feel good about it.” I say, feeling more than a little relieved to have finals behind me and an open summer laying out before me.

  “How's work? Everything good at the hotel?” Patty asks, taking a bite of her famous homemade chili.

  Obviously Patty has no idea what I really do. I guess part of it has to do with being ashamed, but more than anything I just feel like she wouldn’t understand. “Everything is great. They have agreed to let me pick up an extra shift through the summer so that's good.” I say, taking a bite of my own chili.

  “That's wonderful dear. I am so happy to see how well you are doing. So you think you are up for the summer program then?” She asks, clearly still hesitant to push the dance issue with me, knowing how hard it was for me to walk away from.

  “Of course.” I reassure her with a smile. “I am really looking forward to it actually. I think it will be fun. I haven't been to the studio in ages and honestly, I miss it there.”

  “Well we miss you, that's for sure.” She gives me a warm smile. For never having children of her own, Patty is the epitome of what it means to be a good mom. She's tough when she needs to be and soft when she needs to be. But most importantly, she cares. S
he cares beyond what her caring benefits her. She cares simply to care. She loves simply to love.

  “Your room is just as you left it.” She says, standing and making her way across the kitchen to put her bowl in the sink.

  Her footsteps are light and drift across the floor like only a dancers would. Even though she just turned fifty-three, she doesn't seem a day over thirty. Her shoulder length auburn hair is always perfectly in place and her makeup is perfection. But more than that, her body is ridiculous. Years of dancing and she is so tone, I doubt you would find one inch of fat on her 5' 6'' frame.

  Patty has owned her own studio since she was twenty-five. She spent the inheritance she got when her father passed away to buy the building and nearly thirty years later, business is better than ever. She claimed she never wanted to dance professionally only teach. And while she is a natural teacher, I have always felt like there was more to the story.

  “Now if you are good, I am going to head out. The junior dance recital is tonight and I need to get there early to make sure the set up is done properly.” She says, patting me on the shoulder as she passes me.

  “Sounds good.” I say, trying to mask the twinge of disappointment I feel that recitals are a thing of my past. That used to be my favorite part of dancing. Being on stage, performing in front of everyone. “I have to run back to the dorm and pick up the last of my things, then I will probably just turn in early.”

  “Well be careful.” She says, turning and exiting the room, leaving me sitting in the eery silence of the house that I spent some of my lowest moments in.

  The space isn't much. A two bedroom ranch that sits on a decent plot of land just a few minutes from the city. It's the perfect area for having the convenience of the city but the peace of the country. I remember the first time Patty brought me here. It was just after my knee surgery. I had dropped into a severe depression and was in the process of being sent to yet another foster home.

  My situation at the time was cramped. The mom had four children of her own and I don't think she realized what she was signing up for when she took me in. I wasn't a bad kid by any means. But I think the addition to her already large family was more than she bargained for.

  When Patty learned that I was being assigned to my third foster family in four years, she finally stepped in. I will never forget what it felt like when I learned that she wanted to adopt me. She had been the only constant in my life for years and there was no one in the world that I would have rather lived with than her.

  She kept me on the right track after I lost dance. She made me focus on my studies and she pushed me to succeed. If not for her persistence, I probably never would have gotten into the University of Chicago. Not only did I make the grade, but I did so well in fact, that I landed a pretty amazing scholarship as well. I never would have been able to afford to live on campus or the hefty tuition for that matter, without it.

  So I guess you could say, I owe her. For not only introducing me to dance and teaching me the art of what I loved. But for being there for me when it all fell apart and showing me that life didn't end the day my dream of dancing did.

  Clearing away my dishes and dropping them in the sink, I stick the remainder of the chili in the refrigerator and then grab my duffel bag before heading down the hall to my bedroom. I'm going to miss living in the dorm with Andrea. I considered staying there for the summer but finances would not allow it and Andrea already had plans to spend the next two months with her family. Besides, this is probably the last summer that I will have the opportunity to spend with Patty before adult life is knocking at my door.

  It's hard to believe how much time has passed and how quickly. Pushing my way inside the small square space that was my home for two years, I see that not much has changed. There are still various pictures of friends taped to the mirror on my dresser, the same purple comforter still spread across the full size bed that sits in the middle of the room. Hell, it looks like the only thing that has changed is that the paint has been freshened up. What once was a light blue is now a dark beige and gives the room a much needed face lift.

  Tossing my bag on top of the mattress, I decide to head back to campus rather than unpacking. I would rather save that for when I have everything here. Flipping the light off, I pull the door shut before heading back out into the open living area and grabbing my keys off of the glass coffee table.

  It takes me a little longer to get into the city than usual, given the late Friday evening traffic and by the time I finally push my way inside, Andrea is picking up her last bag from her bed.

  “I'm so glad I caught you.” I say, crossing the small space and wrapping my arms around her petite waist. “I can't believe you are leaving me for an entire summer in Vermont.” I whine, dropping my arms and taking a step back.

  “It will be over before you know it.” She smiles and then pulls me into another hug. “Damn it.” She sniffs lightly in my ear. I immediately pull back to see her eyes pooling with liquid.

  “Are you really crying right now?” I ask, stepping back and laughing lightly at her.

  “Oh shut it Anna. Just because you don't have any emotions doesn't mean the rest of us are immune. I'm going to miss you.” She pouts.

  “I have emotions.” I fake offense. “And if it makes you feel any better, I am going to miss you way more than you will miss me. Think about it. I am going to be stuck here working all summer while you are off at a fancy resort with nothing but the warm sun and hot men.”

  “And my parents.” She tacks on, her face distorting like she just ate something bitter.

  “It could be worse.” I remind her.

  “I suppose.” She sighs. “Well I really should get going. My flight leaves in two hours and you know how long airport security takes these days.” She says.

  “Well, be safe.” I say, pulling her in for one more quick hug. “And text me the moment you land.” I tack on, stepping out of her embrace.

  “Love you Anna.” She says, tossing her bag onto her shoulder.

  “Love you too.” I say, throwing her a wave as she disappears through the doorway, the latch clicking loudly as the door snaps shut.

  I slide the lock in place and then turn around to take a look at our now almost bare dorm room. Just hours ago it was a mess of papers, clothes, books, makeup and shoes. And now.... Now it's just an empty hollow shell.

  I immediately begin working on packing up the last of my things. I took quite a bit over to Patty's after my last final this afternoon but still have a decent amount to go. Throwing some of my old books into one of the empty boxes on my bed, I pull my phone out to turn on some music, but then jump slightly when it buzzes to life in my hand. Sliding the lock screen, I see that I have a text message from Lo.

  Come to the club.

  Is all the message says.

  Can't. I'm packing.

  I text a quick reply.

  Josh needs you in. He said he will pay you double.

  It's a tempting offer and one I know I would be stupid to pass up but even still, I know I have to finish packing. Thinking it over for a moment, I text her back a quick reply.

  What time?

  Her response is instant.

  10 at the latest.

  Looking at the time, I see that it is already after eight. Where has the day gone?

  I can be there by ten.

  I press send and then toss the phone back down, not bothering to check it when it vibrates again. If I am going to get this done and get to the club by ten, I can't afford to stand around texting Lo who will continue to text me as long as I continue to answer.

  ****

  I pull into the lot behind the club a little after nine thirty. While I really don't want to work tonight, especially with it being a Friday, one of the clubs busiest nights, I also know that I need the money and double time is too sweet of a deal to pass up. I can suck it up for one night if it means I will make the money I would normally make in two.

  I enter through the back with
my key and then immediately head to Josh's office for my schedule for the night. Each dancer has a rotation as to when she dances and when she is open to work the floor and/or do private dances. Since I don't normally work on Friday, I have no idea what rotation he will need me in.

  I knock lightly on his office door and wait a good thirty seconds before peeking inside. It's evident that he is not here the moment I open the door. Pulling it shut again, I head back towards my dressing room but before I make it inside, Lo's voice grabs me from behind.

  “You made it.” She sings, bouncing towards me as I turn to face her.

  “Yeah. I was looking for Josh. I need my rotation for the night.” I say, confused by the devilish expression that crosses her face. “What?”

  “You aren't in the rotation tonight. You have been booked for a private party.” She says, her smile growing wider. “Didn't you get my text?” She asks, reminding me that my phone signaled a new message after I agreed to come in and I never checked it.

  Shaking my head no, she rolls her eyes at me and then grabs my arm and pushes me through my dressing room door. I spot my outfit for the night immediately and have to force down the hard knot that has formed at the base of my throat. A barely there red nighty is draped across the back of my chair with a pair of thongs, matching guarders and white stockings. It's a little more risque than I am used to wearing, that's for sure.

  “Why would Josh book me for a private without asking me?” I ask, turning to face her.

  “Because you were requested.” She says, knowing that I can't deny a party request anymore than I could deny getting on stage in the main room, it's part of my job. Though I will admit, while I don't really like dancing for parties, I also know I am being paid double, which means I get double of my normal private party rate. If my math is right, that equals out to be about two thousand dollars for this evening.