I nodded. “I’m your girlfriend.”
He smiled. “Cool. I like that.”
“Me too.”
“So, about that whole no condoms situation,” he prompted.
“I’m sorry, but we can’t,” I told him, hating that I had to do it.
“Please?” he asked sweetly. “I know you’re on the pill. I’ve seen it in your bathroom. And I can promise you I'm clean. In fact, it’s been at least six years since I’ve had any sort of unprotected sex, including blow jobs. I’m a firm believer in the no glove, no love methodology.”
That actually surprised me to hear, and although I found it somewhat comforting, it still didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t going to take a chance, pill or no pill.
“Really?”
“Really,” he confirmed. “It’s sad to say that I don’t usually even remember the names of the girls I’ve been with. I have no idea what their history is, and I’ve never been into taking chances in that department. I even get tested every six months just to be sure. I was clean as of the last test I had in February.”
“That’s good to hear. I’m glad you’ve been safe, but I still can’t, Phillip. I’m sorry.”
“Why not? Do you want me to get tested again first? Is that it? Because I’ll do it. I’ll go tomorrow.”
“It’s not that,” I said, knowing I was going to have to tell him the truth about my hang up. I hadn’t really ever planned on telling him, because I honestly hadn’t expected this situation to come up, but now it seemed inevitable.
“Then what is it?”
I gently pushed Phillip off of me, because I couldn't say what I had to say when he was on top of me. I didn’t really even want to be looking at him when I said it.
“Sabrina, what’s wrong?” he asked, sounding worried.
I could feel his eyes on me as I looked at the ceiling. “I really hope you don’t hate me after I tell you this, but I have a feeling you might after what you said about Leah when she decided to have Gavin. I guess I’m just not as good of a person as she was.”
“What do you mean?”
“I had two abortions when I was with Jason,” I said, figuring I should just spit it out. No use delaying the inevitable. “We were careless, and I was on the pill, although I probably wasn't taking it as consistently as I should have, and I got pregnant – twice. The last time it happened, he wanted me to keep the baby, but I didn’t want to. I was a wreck, my life was a mess, and I couldn’t imagine being a mother. I didn’t want to give up the things I loved about my life. I’d just gained my freedom, and I selfishly didn’t want to lose it again. So I had the abortion without his consent, and he got pissed. That’s what we were fighting about when he went out to the desert the night he died. When I got home from the clinic, he was at my apartment. I was tired and in pain, and he was so mad at me. The last thing I wanted to do was fight, so when he laid into me, I told him to leave. He refused. He said he wanted to stay with me, but I didn’t want that. So I broke up with him. I told him we were done, and he left. He was pissed, and he was reckless, and that’s my last memory of him – us fighting and him leaving.”
I expected Phillip to judge me, to tell me I was a horrible person and a baby killer, because that’s probably what I would have thought about me back then. A girl so focused on getting high that she couldn’t slow down her life enough to own up to the mistakes she’d made. A selfish girl who probably got what she deserved – a lifetime of guilt for being a terrible human being.
“So, you think I’m going to hate you because you decided not to make a mistake and become a parent before you were ready, with a guy who probably wasn’t ready either?” Phillip questioned.
“I’m expecting you to hate me because I wasn’t selfless enough to give up drugs for my baby – babies. Leah did that, and you idolized her for it. Not that I’m comparing myself to her, because I’m not, but maybe you want to think twice about me being your girlfriend now that you know what kind of person I really am.”
“Sabrina, are you being serious right now?”
“I don’t know,” I said as I felt tears start to prick the backs of my eyes.
I hadn’t cried about this in so long. I didn’t want to start now, but everything was sort of coming to a head, and I was terrified of losing Phillip over this.
“What would you do now if you got pregnant – not that I’m saying I’m cool with that, because I think I’d probably be a horrible father – but hypothetically.”
I looked at him in surprise. “I’m not cool with that either – for the record. But if it happened, I’d have the baby. That’s why I use double protection. I’m not ready to be a mother, so I don’t want to take any chances.”
“Then you’re not a horrible person,” he said definitively.
“I think I might be.”
He shook his head as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me toward him. “Look, we both made dozens of mistakes when we were using. It’s not an excuse, but keep in mind that drugs alter your mind. They make you think differently, and your decisions aren’t always your own. You can’t hold this over yourself for all eternity.”
“But if I was a better person, I would have done what Leah did. I would have stopped using, I would have gotten clean, and I would have had the baby. Then maybe Jason would still be alive.”
“Or maybe he wouldn’t be. And maybe you’d be unhappy. Maybe he wouldn’t have stopped using, and you would have been on your own raising a child – which isn’t easy. You have no idea what would have happened, and trust me that you’re not alone in what you did. Lots of women make the same choice every year. Hell, had I gotten a girl pregnant at any point, I probably would have been okay if she made that decision too. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but it’s a personal decision, and you can’t feel guilty about it. You have this amazing life because of the choices you made. You got clean, you revived your career into something more than it ever could have been before, and you met me. That has to count for something.”
He was being cute again, and it made me smile.
“So you don’t hate me?”
He shook his head. “No, I don’t hate you. Not even for a second. I told you, I think you’re really cool and hot and sexy and kind of incredible. I couldn’t hate you.”
I sighed, feeling relief mixed with the guilt I just couldn’t shake. “So you’re okay with using condoms?”
“Of course. I can’t even remember what sex felt like without condoms. I’m good.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He pulled me closer, twisting me so my back was to his chest and his head was tucked in next to mine. “Sabrina, you’re human. You’re not perfect, and neither am I. Frankly, I think perfect is boring.”
“If you say so.”
“I don’t want a girl who’s perfect. It would make me look like an idiot when I do crazy things. And you know I do them often. So let’s just be imperfect together.”
“You know it’s hard not to believe you mean it when you say things like that. I have a feeling you’re actually going to be a better boyfriend than you think you are.”
He laughed. “I hope you’re right. I don’t want to fuck this up.”
“You won’t,” I told him as I snuggled further into his arms, relieved that I’d told him my last secret.
It didn’t make what I’d done sting any less, but I was glad to know it wasn’t going to jeopardize what we had. I couldn’t take it back, it was in the past, and it would always haunt me, but hopefully in time I could let go of some of the guilt that had consumed me for so long. I had a feeling that with Phillip in my corner, I’d be able to do that.
Chapter Twenty
Phillip
“How was your night?” Kelsey asked me when she came to my hotel the next morning to pick me up so we could go meet Leah’s lawyer for the reading of her will.
I was exhausted since I’d gotten little to no sleep the night before. I completely blamed Sabrina. She was just t
oo sexy, and having her in my bed after a week of not seeing her hadn’t boded well for my ability to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Even after she’d fallen asleep, I’d stayed up, my arms wrapped around her, just watching the peaceful expression on her face.
I’d never done that before. I’d never been so enamored with a girl that I couldn’t stop looking at her, but Sabrina continued to amaze me. It was like she was full of surprises, and they just kept coming. The latest was the fact that she’d actually agreed to be my girlfriend – me, a guy who hadn’t ever understood the term exclusivity or couldn’t ever grasp why anyone would want to try it. Hell, I’d made fun of my friends for being whipped over their girls, and there I was falling into the same trap.
But I wasn’t complaining. In fact, I loved being with Sabrina. Everything just felt right when she was around. Even going through something as painful and life-changing as what I was dealing with, I was still able to smile and laugh with her. It didn’t make any sense, but there was a part of me that didn’t really care to understand what was happening. I was good with it. I didn’t need to know the whys behind it.
And if Sabrina had enough faith in me that she thought I wouldn’t screw things up with her, maybe I should have a little faith in myself. I definitely liked her enough to want to make things work. That had to count for something.
“My night was actually kind of great,” I told Kelsey as I slid into the front seat of the convertible she’d rented.
It was the dead of summer and way too hot to put the top down, but the car went fast, and that was definitely a plus in the insane South Florida traffic. Especially when the paparazzi were camped outside of your hotel. There were only a few of them, and they’d stayed away from the entrance, but I’d heard them snapping pictures of Kelsey and me as I’d gotten into her car. If they were to follow us, I was fairly certain she would be able to outrun them.
“Oh yeah?” Kelsey questioned. “Because you kind of look like hell.”
I was aware of the fact that I probably looked like I’d rolled off of a Mexican booze cruise. I hadn’t shaved. My light pink polo was wrinkled, and so were my khaki shorts, and I’d thrown on a white fedora because I hadn’t felt like combing my hair. Kelsey was lucky I’d brushed my teeth, considering I’d only woken up ten minutes before she’d picked me up.
“I was up late. Sabrina came into town.”
“Ah. Makes sense. You guys good?”
I shrugged. “She agreed to be my girlfriend, so sure.”
Kelsey turned to look at me, and even though I couldn’t see her eyes behind her aviators, I knew she was shocked to hear that. “I’m sorry, did you say girlfriend?”
“Yes, I said girlfriend,” I said calmly, like it wasn’t a big deal at all.
“Are you serious?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”
I might have been playing up the nonchalance more than was necessary, but a part of me was enjoying the disbelieving expression on her face. I didn’t get many opportunities to rattle Kelsey, but this announcement had definitely caught her off-guard.
“Uh, maybe because you haven’t had a girlfriend in as long as I’ve known you,” she countered, making a valid point. “I sort of figured you’d be a bachelor for life.”
“Well that’s comforting considering you’re the one who told me I’d be a great boyfriend when I met the right girl. Maybe Sabrina’s the right girl.”
“You like her that much?”
“Yeah, I do. She’s cool. She loves me, you know.”
“She loves you?” Kelsey questioned, sounding like she didn’t believe me.
I nodded. “She sure does.”
“She told you that?”
“She did. Last week. It was when she found me at my dad’s condo. I wasn’t exactly in a good place, so I told her to leave. She refused, so I told her she was crazy, and she agreed. Then she told me she loved me, and because of that, she was staying.”
“And do you love her?”
“That is an excellent question. And the truth is, I don’t know. But considering I’ve never been in love, I’m not exactly sure what it feels like. I might be, although probably not. I’m not really sure if I’m even capable of loving someone in that way. I think I might be defective.”
Kelsey shot me a look. “You’re not defective, Phillip. You’re an idiot.”
“That’s a true statement, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m inept when it comes to relationships. Knowing me, I’ll fuck it up before it even gets started, which is kind of sad if you think about it, because I really do like Sabrina.”
“Me too. I think she’s good for you.”
“She is. She gets me, and she loves me in spite of all the bad stuff. It’s like she sees past it. That’s cool. I’m not sure many people would do that.”
“I think she’s a keeper,” Kelsey said as she turned into the parking lot of the law firm.
“Yeah, I think you’re right,” I said, a small smile playing on my lips.
Then I let it fade as I thought about what was coming next. It had been the same all week. One moment I’d be feeling fine, semi-normal even, and then reality would rear its ugly head. It was sobering to feel the familiar twisting in my stomach that was followed by the hollow ache that Leah had left behind.
Going through her will was the last thing I wanted to do, but it was one more thing I knew I had to do. I’d made a promise to Kelsey. I’d be there for her, even for the ugly parts of laying Leah to rest that neither of us wanted to face. Besides, the lawyer had specifically requested that I be present for the reading, so I didn’t really have a choice. I told myself it was just one more thing to check off the list and it would be over soon, but I was kidding myself if I thought that it wasn’t going to be just as painful as everything else we’d done over the past eight days.
As we got out of the car, my great night with Sabrina faded into the background. I took Kelsey’s hand, I took a deep breath, and I let it out slowly as we walked into the building together.
* * *
“There is one last matter to discuss,” the attorney said, turning to me.
Finally. I was starting to wonder why I was even there. Since we’d sat down, everything he’d said had been directed at Kelsey, and I was starting to think I didn’t need to be there after all. I was a little pissed that I’d gotten up so early only to have it be a wasted trip.
“What’s left?” Kelsey asked, looking a little pale after all we’d talked about.
I guess having your sister’s life reduced to forms and numbers and directions will do that to you. It was weird to hear Leah’s requests read to us like instructions in a play. Do this, sell this, put this money here. I tried to picture her saying it all, and it just felt cold and disconnected. Leah and I had never talked about things like that. Hearing her wishes for her 401K was just odd and not at all fun. I’d pretty much wanted to leave from the second I’d sat down.
“The custody of Gavin Davis,” the attorney said, and my ears perked up.
Why had he been looking at me when he said that?
“I’m going to take custody of Gavin,” Kelsey said quickly. “I know it’s what my sister would want.”
“Actually,” the attorney said contritely, “Ms. Davis’ will states that the child’s father should get custody of him if she was ever found in a state in which she was unfit to raise him, including her passing.”
“His father?” Kelsey questioned. “But Gavin doesn’t have a father.”
The attorney looked at her in confusion. “I have a copy of Gavin Davis’ birth certificate right here. Ms. Davis and I also spoke about it personally. In fact, she revised this portion of her will just two months ago. It states very clearly that upon her death, the child should go to Mr. Lawton, the child’s father.”
Say what?
“Mr. Lawton?” Kelsey questioned in disbelief as she jerked her thumb at me at the same time my heart started to thrum in my chest. “You mean Phillip?”
<
br /> No. He did not mean Phillip. He was absolutely not talking about me. He must have made a mistake, read the last name wrong, something.
“Yes, Phillip Lawton,” the attorney said, looking down at the papers in front of him and then back at Kelsey.
“But that can’t be right,” she muttered as everything he was saying started to sink in. And none of it made any sense.
“I’m sorry, but what exactly is going on right now?” I asked the attorney, feeling like I might pass out. Was this some kind of joke?
“You’re Phillip Lawton, correct?”
“Yes, I told you that when I walked in,” I said in irritation. Why wasn’t he explaining anything?
“Then according to Ms. Davis’ will, as the child’s father, you’re to get custody of him. Of course, if you’re unable to care for him for any reason, we can discuss other options.”
“But I – that’s not – what the hell are you talking about? Seriously. I’m not Gavin’s father.”
“According to this, you are,” he said, handing me a piece of paper.
I took it with shaking hands, realizing it was Gavin’s birth certificate. Kelsey leaned into my personal space, trying to see what was written on it, and I could tell from the way she was acting that she was as stunned as I was.
“Oh my God,” she said, and I didn’t even need to look at the certificate to know my name was on it.
“But I’m not his father,” I said softly, my voice sounding disconnected from my body.
“According to that document, you are,” the attorney said.
“But I’m not. Gavin’s father was some guy who was here on vacation. He was a one night stand.”
“Phillip, your name is on the birth certificate,” Kelsey said in disbelief, telling me what I already knew. It didn’t change the fact that it was a mistake though.
“That’s not right,” I insisted.
“Mr. Lawton, I’ve had a copy of this document in my possession since the child was born, and I can tell you, it’s never been altered. Are you telling me you aren’t the father of Gavin Davis?”
“That’s exactly what I’m telling you. This is some kind of a mistake.”
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