I loved Gavin, but I wasn’t his father. What the hell had Leah been thinking? Why was my name on his birth certificate?
“Maybe it’s not a mistake,” Kelsey ventured.
I turned to look at her in disbelief. “What are you talking about? I’m not his father. Unless you know something I don’t.”
If she knew about this and had never told me, I’d kill her. But she couldn’t have known, because it wasn’t true. Leah and I had only slept together a handful of times. There was no way. And besides, Kelsey wasn’t even supposed to know we’d slept together in the first place.
“You guys were sleeping together around the time Leah got pregnant,” Kelsey said, proving she knew a lot more than I’d thought. “At least I think you were.”
“How do you even know about that?” I demanded, because I’d never told her.
Kelsey rolled her eyes. “Because I’m not blind. I was there when you guys were sneaking around in high school. And Leah told me a few years ago.”
Great.
“Okay, fine. We slept together. But it wasn’t a big deal, and I’m not the father,” I said firmly. “He was some frat guy who was here on vacation. It wasn’t me.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” the attorney said, “but Mr. Lawton, are you saying that you and Ms. Davis had an intimate relationship?”
“Yes,” I said tightly, feeling weird discussing my sex life with this guy. “But that doesn’t mean anything. It was years ago, and we were just fooling around.”
Kelsey shook her head. “I always wondered about the guy Leah said she slept with. She wasn’t really the kind of person who had one night stands. It never made any sense. But this does.”
“No!” I said quickly. “No, it doesn’t. It makes no sense – none at all.”
What the hell was happening?
“Actually it does.”
“Shut up, Kelsey. I’m not Gavin’s father. Let it go.”
I couldn’t be Gavin’s father. It wasn’t possible. Because if I was his father, Leah had never told me. For six years she’d kept it from me, and she let me think he was just a kid I knew because I was her friend. She’d even made me his godfather. The whole thing was bullshit, and there was no way she would have done that to me.
“Mr. Lawton, if I can interject,” the attorney said, forcing me to look up at him. “I might be able to shed some light on this subject.”
“By all means,” I told him, crossing my arms in front of me.
He nodded. “Originally, Ms. Davis had her sister listed as the primary custodian of Gavin Davis, but a few months ago she came to me asking to change that part of her will so you would be the primary custodian. Now, I don’t make it my business to understand why people do things like that, as it really is none of my concern, but as she was explaining to me why she wanted to change just this part of her will, she mentioned some things about your past, and then she went on to explain how you’d changed. She felt you would be willing and able to care for her – your son – if the need arose. Now I’m sure she didn’t realize that day would come so soon, but she did have confidence that you could do this. I can also assure you she was certain that you are the child’s father.”
I felt myself slump back in my seat. My gaze landed on a point on the wall, and I shook my head. I was so pissed and hurt and confused that I could barely see straight. And I still couldn’t believe that any of this was true. It was too unfathomable. And what was Leah thinking? Father or not, I wasn’t capable at all.
“Mr. Lawton?” the attorney prompted.
“I want a DNA test,” I told him.
“Phillip!” Kelsey said, sounding shocked that I’d asked that, but what else was I supposed to do?
I looked over at her. “Did you know about this?”
She shook her head. “No, I swear I didn’t.”
“Yeah, well, neither did I. This is the first I’m hearing about it, and it’s kind of freaking me out. I’m having a hard time believing it’s true. I want proof.”
“I’d be happy to arrange that,” the attorney told me.
“Good,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest defiantly.
“Phillip,” Kelsey said softly, like she couldn’t believe what I was doing. Then she turned to the attorney. “Could you give us a minute?”
“Certainly,” he said as he rose to his feet and left the room, leaving too much silence behind him.
I turned to Kelsey. “What do you want from me? This is crazy. There’s no way I’m Gavin’s father. He doesn’t even look like me.”
“He actually kind of does,” she said, and I could see the wheels turning in her head. “He has the same lips and nose as you, and you guys make a lot of the same facial expressions. And maybe you didn’t notice this past week, but you were like the same person in the way you both processed your grief. It was eerie to watch, and at the time I thought it was just because he was emulating you, but now I’m not so sure.”
“So you’re saying that I fathered a kid with my best friend, and she never told me about it? That’s crazy, Kelsey.”
“It’s not that crazy considering the fact that for years you were pretty much the least qualified candidate to be a parent. And you never would have wanted to be a father back in high school anyway. You were more concerned with having fun and letting go, and you joined Westside when Gavin was a baby. Maybe Leah knew all that, so she didn’t tell you. You heard what the attorney said. Two months ago Leah changed her will. She felt like you had grown up enough that you’d be a good parent to Gavin. It all makes sense.”
Like hell it did. This was insane, and nothing she was saying sounded remotely logical. It all sounded wrong.
“I would have stepped up back then if I’d known,” I told her. “I wouldn’t have joined Westside. I would have been there for Leah and Gavin.”
“Oh yeah? Do you remember the guy you were six years ago? Because I do, and that guy was a selfish asshole – who I loved by the way, because you’re like my brother, but I didn’t really like you all that much. And neither did Leah. After sleeping your way through our high school, you slept your way through your fanbase. And you were more concerned with your career and the fame it brought than anything else.”
“That’s because I had no idea I had a son!” I roared. “Things might have been different if I’d known that.”
“And you would have hated every second of your life if you’d had to stick around here, get a real job, and support a family at nineteen.”
“Probably, but I would have still done it. It was the right thing to do! Geez, Kelsey. I’m not a complete dick.”
She sighed. “Okay, we need to stop arguing about this. The truth is, I have no idea why Leah didn’t tell you. She didn’t even tell me. And it’s not like she kept a diary that we could go back and read. We’ll never know why she did what she did, and the worst thing we can do is fight about it. Whatever her reasons were for not telling you, she had them, and we have to live with that.”
I shook my head. “All this time Gavin thought he didn’t have a father. But apparently he did! I feel like I’m in the fucking twilight zone – if this is even the truth. I’m still not sure I believe it.”
“Then get the DNA test,” she snapped, sounding irritated that I wouldn’t just accept this new information as the truth.
And maybe I could have if it hadn’t been dropped on me like a bomb. I wasn’t exactly prepared to process the fact that I’d possibly fathered a child. My head was spinning. But Kelsey was right. Fighting wasn’t going to get us anywhere.
I sighed, feeling more exhausted than when I’d woken up. “I will.”
But as I was saying it, all I could think about was Gavin. What if I really was his father? What would that mean? How was I supposed to tell him? Would he be upset or would he be happy? And in the grand scheme of my life, what would it all mean? There were too many questions I didn’t have the answers to.
“Leah wanted to talk to you,” Kelsey said then, soundin
g like she was thinking out loud.
“What?”
“The night of the concert, before we left, Leah said she wanted to talk to you. You guys made plans to meet for lunch the next day.”
I nodded. “We did. So what?”
“Well, was this what she was going to tell you?”
“I don’t know. You tell me. You acted like you knew what was going on when you heard her say she wanted to meet me the next day.”
“Yeah, well, this wasn’t what I was thinking about, considering I didn’t even know. I assumed it was something having to do with what happened between you guys. I thought maybe she’d changed her mind.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Why would you think that?”
“Because she’d been talking about how proud of you she was and how good you seemed to be doing with staying sober. She was really excited to see you.”
“She brought her boyfriend to the concert with her,” I reminded Kelsey.
“Yeah, she did, and I liked Dan, but I think a part of me figured you guys would end up together in the end – you know, if you stayed sober and eventually decided you wanted to settle down. I think I might have been wrong.”
“I’d say you were. She wasn’t interested in me like that. She made that clear.”
“So maybe this was what she wanted to tell you, that you’re Gavin’s father.”
“I can’t be Gavin’s father,” I mumbled. “There’s no way. It’s not – it’s a completely crazy notion, Kels. What would I even do with a kid?”
I was fairly sure kids and tour busses didn’t go together all that well.
“Phillip,” she said softly, taking my hand in hers. “I’ll still take him. I’ll raise him. I’ll do what we planned. This doesn’t have to change anything.”
As I looked at her I realized that she didn’t get it. “Kels, this changes everything.”
“It doesn’t have to.”
“But it does. If I’m his father, then I can’t just give him to you.”
“But you’re on tour. And you live in a bachelor pad. You don’t even have food in your fridge. And aside from all that, I know this is the last thing you want.”
I shook my head. “See, that’s where you’re wrong. You forget that my father turned his back on me. I figured I’d never have kids, but in the back of my mind, I always knew that if I did, I’d never treat them like he treated me. It was obvious each and every day that he didn’t want anything to do with me. I never want Gavin to feel that way. Never.”
“But he doesn’t feel that way. You love him. I know that, and so does he, but that doesn’t have to mean you give up your life for him.”
“Actually, that’s exactly what it means.”
“So you’re just going to quit the band? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No! Hell, Kelsey, I literally just learned about this, and I’m not even sure it’s legit. Let me process it for five minutes before you start asking what’s next. Let’s find out if he’s even mine first. Then we can figure the rest out.”
I looked up to see her lower lip was trembling. “I want him,” she said softly.
“You do?”
She nodded. “He’s my nephew. He’s Leah’s baby, and he’s my only link to her.”
“Fuck,” I hissed, because this whole situation had gotten so screwed up in a matter of minutes. What the hell were we going to do?
“Take the DNA test,” she said after several seconds of silence. “Let’s find out the truth and go from there.”
I nodded, feeling numb all over. I had to be in Nashville the next night. We had a concert. My life was waiting for me, and all of a sudden, looming over me was the fact that I might be a father to a six year-old. I honestly wasn’t sure what to do with that information.
On one hand, I could take the easy way out and let Kelsey raise Gavin like she wanted, because a part of me felt like that just made sense. But another part of me – the part that had woken up as soon as the lawyer said he was mine – was completely hung up on the fact that if he was my son, I couldn’t just let him go. Leah had given me custody. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, she figured I was the right person to take care of him. I didn’t get it, but it wasn’t like I could ask her about it now.
I’d never known it was possible to be irate at a dead person, but in that moment, I was furious with Leah. Of course that emotion was coupled with the fact that I was reminded that I’d never see her again – even if I wanted to see her just to yell at her for keeping the most monumental secret of her life from me. A sadness washed over me that made my stomach clench. Right then, I missed her more than ever.
There were so many questions I wanted answers to and so many things I didn’t understand. And it was all happening just when things had started to feel like they were coming together. I’d reached a point of relative closure after Leah’s funeral, I’d made things right with Sabrina, and I was going back on tour to do what I loved. Then the bomb had dropped, and my life was suddenly swirling around me once again.
I could barely decipher which way was up, but I knew this wasn’t the end. I’d get the DNA test, and if the results came back that I was the father, I was going to have a lot of big decisions to make. And I couldn’t even begin to think about any of them. Shit was about to get real.
But on the bright side, I didn’t want to run off and get high. Usually that was my go-to route, and as of late it had at least been my desired go-to route, but in that moment, sitting in that lawyer’s office with the knowledge that I might have a son, getting high was the last thing I wanted to do. For the first time in my life, I actually wanted a clear head, because the decisions I might have to make couldn’t be taken lightly. It wasn’t just about me anymore. There was a little boy in the mix, and what was right for him was more important than anything I could have wanted or needed.
So there was that. All it took to get me sober was the knowledge that I might have a kid. Maybe it would have done the trick six years ago. Or maybe it wouldn’t have. I’d never know. Leah hadn’t given me that opportunity.
But she was giving it to me now. For some reason, she felt I was willing and able to care for Gavin. I didn’t necessarily agree, because regardless of my accomplishments over the past week, I really had no idea how to raise a kid. But I’d do it if I had to. Because like I’d told Kelsey, I never wanted anyone else to feel as unwanted as I had. My dad was a selfish jerk, and I absolutely refused to be like him.
If Gavin was my son, I’d figure out a way to love him and care for him. I didn’t really see another option.
Chapter Twenty-One
Phillip
I hung up the phone feeling like I was a guest on one of those trashy talk shows where they DNA test ten guys to figure out which one is the father of some random kid. The words ‘You are the father’ resonated in my head, bouncing around as I mulled over what I was feeling. I was a father. It was confirmed. Leah had apparently known it all along, but six years later, I was just learning the truth.
For a week my emotions had been all over the place, and I wasn’t sure how I truly felt about the news. A guilty part of me was a little disappointed, because it would have been easier if I wasn’t Gavin’s father. I could have gone on with my life as I’d been living it and be okay with the fact that I hadn’t been such a shitty individual that Leah hadn’t wanted to tell me about this very significant thing when it had happened – or in the almost six years since.
Another part of me felt relieved that the waiting was over. But now that I knew, I also had some decisions to make. I’d had a week to think about what it was I wanted to do if I really was Gavin’s father. In that time, I hadn’t talked to him or Kelsey, but I knew they were staying put in Ft. Lauderdale until everything was sorted out. If I was his father, I had the right to take him, but I knew also Kelsey wanted him. It was kind of a muddled mess, and now I still wasn’t sure what the right decision was – for me or for Gavin.
I figured I needed to call Kelsey
, so I picked up my phone. But then I put it back down. She was already on edge about what was going to happen, and she’d want answers. She’d want to know my plan. And of course I had nothing figured out.
I probably needed to take some time to do that. We were in Cincinnati, but we’d gotten there early in the day, so we had some downtime before we had to be at the venue for an interview and then the meet and greet. The normal me would have spent any extra time I had with Sabrina now that she’d stocked up on condoms, but in all honesty, I was too freaked out to have sex.
The fear that I’d gotten a girl pregnant once upon a time weighed heavy on my mind, and I was terrified it was going to happen again. I actually understood what Sabrina had been talking about when she’d panicked on me a week earlier. It was a serious head-trip to think that one time of being careless could alter your life forever. And having just learned that I had one kid, I couldn’t even think about the remote chance of having another one. That thought alone had me on the verge of a panic attack.
But the good news was that in spite of everything that was on my mind, I’d kept a relatively level head throughout the week. I hadn’t felt the unshakable desire to get high just to calm the fuck down, so I was glad for that, but I still felt like a guitar string that was about to snap, wound so tight that the slightest turn of the tuner could tear me apart.
I knew Sabrina could tell something was up. She’d asked me at least every day if I was okay, and every day I told her I was fine, I plastered a smile on my face, and I faked my way through it. I was just glad it was her time of the month, so not only did I know for sure that she wasn’t pregnant, but it also gave me an out on the sex front. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do once it was over and she started to expect certain things from me. Given our history, she’d know something was up if I started pushing her away.
I probably should have just told her the truth, but I couldn’t do it. Saying it out loud made it real, and until I knew for sure that what was written on Gavin’s birth certificate was accurate, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. Because if it turned out to be false, there was no point in anyone ever knowing.
Westside Series Box Set Page 110