Of course now that I knew it was true, I was going to have to tell Sabrina, and the guys, and Damon and Katherine, I supposed. But I was only going to tell the last two if I ended up taking custody of Gavin. That was what I was still debating, but regardless of my end decision, I was going to claim him as mine. I was holding firm to what I’d told Kelsey. I didn’t want him to ever feel like I had with my dad. I wanted him to know that he was loved, because even when I didn’t know I was his dad, I’d loved the kid. And maybe there was a reason for that. But because I loved him, I also wanted what was best for him, and I wasn’t sure living with me would end up being in his best interest.
Aside from all the things Kelsey had pointed out about my life, I really wasn’t equipped to be a father. I didn’t know the first thing about sending a kid to school or helping with homework or coaching a team. I wasn’t that guy, and I wasn’t sure I even could be with the life I lived. Hell, I didn’t even know if it would be safe for him to live with me. I had photographers following me wherever I went, which was why Greg was my shadow, and our fans were always trying to get a piece of me. Did I really want to bring a kid into that world?
Gavin’s life had been normal up until now. Sure, he had a famous ‘uncle’ in me and a semi-famous aunt in Kelsey, but he was rarely exposed to our real lives, and they’d never affected him. At least with Kelsey he could retain some level of anonymity. She wasn’t followed and pursued like I was. It was different for her, and it honestly might be better for him. But where did that leave me? Would I see him every few months? Would we hang out like we always had? Would that be enough now that I knew who he really was?
I heard a knock on the doorframe to my bedroom in our suite and looked up to see Van staring at me with a furrowed brow. He’d noticed my distracted mood over the past week and had taken it upon himself to try to snap me back to normal. I figured at this point I could tell him why I’d been so disconnected, so at least he’d understand. I just wasn’t sure how to announce what I’d learned a few minutes earlier. It was going to be weird when I said it out loud for the first time.
“Hey man,” he said, coming into the room. “You want to go skateboarding at the arena – kill some time?”
“Where’s Elisa?” I asked him, because it was rare that he wasn’t with her.
“Working. She’s with your girlfriend,” he said with a grin.
“Are you ever going to stop laughing at that?” I asked him, because ever since I’d told the guys that Sabrina was my girlfriend, Van had been living in an amused state of disbelief.
I figured he was one to talk. Before Elisa had given him another chance and he’d gotten sucked back in, he’d been as single as I always was. But he seemed to think we weren’t in similar situations and thought it was fun to laugh at me.
“Nope,” he said defiantly. “Because I still don’t believe it’s real.”
I rolled my eyes at him as I stood up to look for my shoes. Skateboarding actually sounded good. I needed to burn off some of the nervous energy coursing through me, and it would probably give me some time to think about my next move. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sit on my news for long. Kelsey was surely waiting by the phone, knowing I’d get the call from the lab any day, and I knew she was as anxious as I was.
“It’s real,” I told Van as I slid my shoes on. I grabbed my favorite board from where I’d dumped it against the wall and followed him into the main part of our suite.
Cam and Dillon were camped out there with their guitars, messing around with a tune that sounded a little raw but sort of cool at the same time.
“What are you all working on?” I asked them as I grabbed my hat from the arm of the couch where I’d left it when we’d walked into the suite.
“Nothing much,” Cam said, looking up at me.
“But it might be something,” Dillon told me optimistically. “We’ll see.”
He was wearing his sunglasses, and I figured he was still fighting his hangover from the night before. I’d heard him stumble onto the bus at around four in the morning and collapse on the couch. We’d found him there when we’d gotten up in the morning after we’d arrived in Cincinnati. He looked like hell, but it sounded like he’d had a good time. I just hoped whatever he was out doing almost every night was helping him get over Meredith, since that’s what I figured his endgame was.
“If it’s any good, we’ll call you,” Cam told Van. “We’ll need lyrics help.”
Although Cam and Dillon were the master songwriters among all of us, Van was a genius with words. He’d be able to make anything that sounded just okay really resonate with a few tweaks. It was actually kind of impressive to watch.
“I, uh, I actually have some ideas,” I told Cam, and three sets of eyes turned to me.
“You want to help with lyrics?” Van asked me.
“Uh, yeah, maybe. If any of my stuff is good. I don’t really know if it’ll translate.”
“You have stuff?” Dillon questioned.
I understood their appalled faces. I usually wasn’t as involved in the song writing aspects of what we did. When songs needed tweaking or a part just wasn’t working, I was good at providing insight, but I’d never been a part of the process from a song’s inception. It was uncharted territory for me.
“Yeah, I’ve actually been keeping a journal, and I’ve sort of written some things down that could be lyrics in the right context.”
“You have a journal?” Van asked me in disbelief.
I shrugged as I looked over at him. “Yeah, I do,” I said definitively, hoping it would be enough for him to understand that I didn’t want to be teased about it. It was hard enough for me to think about sharing with them what I’d been writing down – especially the parts of my past that they weren’t aware of. I didn’t need Van making fun of me for it. “It’s therapeutic, but I’ve also been thinking about some of the stuff I’ve been writing that might work for us. I mean, if we want to continue to evolve our sound, then we’ll need songs that are a little darker than what we have now. I think I can help with that – at least I hope so. I don’t know. My stuff might suck.”
“We’d love to hear what you’ve got,” Cam told me, sounding excited.
“Yeah, man, we’ll take a look at anything you want to show us,” Dillon chimed in.
I nodded. “Yeah, cool. Thanks. But like I said, it might suck, so don’t get too excited.”
“Or it might be really good,” Van said, clapping me on the back. “Your lyrics might be fucking awesome.”
My smile felt laced with nerves as it spread across my face. “Maybe. We’ll see. I, uh, also had an idea for this piano intro that could be really cool. It might actually work for the song you’re writing.”
“Piano?” Cam questioned, looking at Dillon and then back at me. “You have a piano intro? Do you even know how to play the piano?”
“I actually do,” I told them, feeling like a jackass for never having mentioned it before.
The truth was, I usually only played when I was alone and missing my mother. It reminded me of how she used to sit next to me when I’d practice and for some reason it made me miss her a little less, like she was right there with me. I figured it was a side of me the guys would be shocked to know even existed, since I was sure I seemed like a disconnected asshole who was devoid of emotion most of the time.
“You seriously play piano?” Van questioned, because even he didn’t know that I still played from time to time.
I nodded. “Yeah, I do.”
“I want to hear your intro,” Cam said, getting excited as I felt my face get red.
I didn’t usually embarrass all that easily, but this was different. If I sat down at a piano in front of the guys, it would be a moment of raw exposure, and although I knew I’d have to do it eventually, I wasn’t ready to do it just yet.
“Later,” Van said, probably sensing from the look on my face that it wasn’t the right time. “We’ll check out Phillip’s lyrics and his stellar pi
ano skills later. Right now, we’re going boarding.”
I breathed a sigh of relief as he said that. Sometimes his intuition was a good thing.
“That’s cool,” Cam told me. “Anytime you’re ready, man, we’re all ears.”
“Sounds good,” I told him.
“And on that note, we’ll see you gents later,” Van said, tipping his fedora at them.
“See ya,” Dillon told him as Cam nodded and said, “Have fun.”
Van and I walked over to the arena in silence, and when we got inside, we dropped our boards on the tile floor. We did a few laps around the empty space. I loved the cool air rushing past me as I tried to space out, but my mind quickly slid back to the last time I’d boarded inside an arena. It had been the night Leah had died. I’d been teaching Gavin a new trick. Just remembering the smile on his face had my gut twisting.
Fuck, I had to figure out this thing with him. He deserved to have his life settled. He’d already been through too much, and I was going to drop a bomb on him. I was going to be like, ‘Hey, so I’m actually not just a cool guy who comes by to hang out with you and give you presents. I’m actually your dad. Oh, you thought you didn’t have a dad? Me too, but guess what, you do. Surprise! Sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me for all those years. I guess I wasn’t the kind of person your mom wanted as your dad, but hey, the good news is that I’ve apparently redeemed myself in her eyes this year, and now she thinks I’m fit to do the job. And now that she’s gone, I’m here to take you away from everything you’ve ever known so you can start a new life in California with me. I can’t guarantee that I’ll even know what to do or how to take care of you. There’s a good chance I could possibly screw up your life. And I’m on the road more than half the year. Doesn’t that sound fun? Want to come live with me?’
I sighed as I slowed my speed and let Van catch up to me. I looked back at him as he rode up beside me.
“What’s up?” he asked, because I was sure he could read what I was feeling all over my face.
“You ever get a girl pregnant?” I asked him and saw his eyes get wide.
“No,” he said quickly, sounding appalled. “Have you? Is Sabrina pregnant?”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not her.”
“Fuck, man. You got some random girl pregnant? What’s wrong with you? What happened to your strict, no glove, no love policy?”
I sighed. “It’s not some random girl,” I told him in irritation, wishing he’d give me a little credit.
I’d been seventeen when everything happened with Leah. I was a million times more responsible now. Of course he didn’t know that. But he was about to. I needed to tell someone or I was going to explode.
“It was Leah,” I told him, her name so hard for me to say out loud.
“Leah?” he questioned and almost tripped over his board.
I knew that would catch him off-guard.
“Fuck,” he hissed. “Was she pregnant when – when the accident happened? You said you never slept with her. Did you lie about that?’
“Naw, man. It was years ago. Almost seven years ago to be exact.”
Van looked confused as I watched him do the math. “Seven years ago. Why are bringing that up now . . . Oh! Oh shit. Gavin?”
I nodded.
“You’re Gavin’s father?!”
“Yeah, I am,” I said, trying out how the words sounded. They sounded so weird, so foreign.
“Ho-ly shit. How the fuck did that happen?”
“We didn’t use a condom, and she got pregnant,” I said sarcastically. “It was pretty standard.”
Van gave me an exasperated look. “That’s not what I meant, asshole. Tell me you didn’t always know about this, because I know even you’re not that big of a dick.”
“No, I didn’t always know about it. I just found out last week, and today I got a call from the lab that ran the DNA test. I’m his father.”
That sounded even weirder to my ears.
“Wow,” Van said, looking dumbstruck. “I’m not even sure what to do with that information. What the hell are you going to do?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Do you even want to be a dad?” he asked me, and it was first time I’d really thought about that question.
The whole week I’d been thinking about Gavin and what was best for him. I hadn’t once thought about what I wanted – and that was because I knew that they were two very different things. And quite honestly, what I wanted didn’t matter. Not in this situation.
I sighed. “If you were to ask me that in a different context, I’d say no, because it’s not something I’ve ever consciously thought about wanting. But in this context, knowing that if I say no I’m turning my back on Gavin, I’d have a different answer for you.”
“Wow, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard you utter anything so profound. What’s gotten into you?”
I gave him a knowing look. “Considering what I’ve been through in the past year and everything that’s happened recently, this is me growing up and being a mature adult. I’ve avoided it for too long.”
Van grinned. “Welcome to the dark side.”
“That’s one way of looking at it.”
Van looked introspective as he appraised me. “So you’re going to take custody of him? That’s going to be weird.”
“You’re telling me,” I told him, not answering his question. Thankfully he didn’t push me for an answer, since I wasn’t ready to give one yet.
“So what’s Sabrina have to say about all of this?” he asked instead.
I grimaced. “She doesn’t exactly know. I haven’t told her.”
Van raised an eyebrow at me. “Oh, really?”
“Yeah, well, this is huge. I’m not exactly sure how to tell her.”
“Well, you need to. Girls are weird about that shit, and if you keep it a secret for very long, it’s going to come back and bite you.”
I nodded. “I know. I’m just not ready.”
“You will be,” he said in that way of his that made everything sound like it would just work out. “Hey, so do you want to go out after the show tonight? We haven’t been out in a while, not since you started holing up with Sabrina every night. And with what you’ve got going on, you seem like you could use a night out.”
I hesitated in answering him, because on one hand, I knew Sabrina was going to expect me to hang out with her like we usually did. It was a routine I’d gotten more than comfortable with. But on the other hand, going out with the guys would give me one more night before I had to tell her the truth. That was honestly preferable, because I knew the first thing she’d want to know was what I was going to do, and I still didn’t know.
“Yeah, sure,” I told Van. “Definitely. I’m in.”
He grinned as he pushed forward on his board, gaining speed. “Awesome.” He stopped when he was twenty feet away and looked back at me. “And if you want to talk about your situation. Let me know. I know that’s not always your speed, but I’m here.”
“Thanks, man. I’m good for now. I just have to figure shit out.”
“I get it. It’s big. You don’t want to make the wrong decision.”
I nodded. “I know,” I said, thinking of Gavin. I only wanted to make right decisions where he was concerned.
* * *
“The car’s downstairs,” Chris said to Cam.
He was taking point tonight. Since we were all going out, we were bringing our whole security team with us.
“We ready?” Cam asked the collective group of us.
“I’m ready,” I said as I lifted myself out of the chair I’d collapsed into earlier when I’d come into the main part of our suite.
Everyone else, including Elisa, and Cam’s girlfriend, Andi, who also worked on Sabrina’s PR team, had been pre-partying for the past hour. Normally I would have felt a wave of jealousy pass over me that they were allowed to imbibe and I had to maintain restraint, but tonight was different. I’d had
a call to Kelsey to make, and we’d spent almost an hour on the phone.
When I was finished talking to her, I felt settled in my decision – at least as much as I could be considering the circumstances – and I’d come out to try to be social. It was a relief to not have something so huge weighing on me, and after forcing myself to try to have fun, it seemed to come a little easier. I was actually looking forward to going out.
“Wait, we can’t leave,” Elisa suddenly said, and everyone else turned to look at her in confusion.
“Why not?” Van asked her.
“Because Sabrina’s not here yet,” she said, turning to me. “Where is she?”
“Uh, I think she’s in her room.”
Elisa looked at me expectantly. “So call her. Tell her to get up here or she’s going to get left behind.”
I blinked a few times, not sure why she was barking orders at me. “I didn’t invite her to come with us.”
“Why?” Elisa questioned, looking confused.
“Yeah, isn’t she your girlfriend?” Dillon asked bitterly, already seeming to be halfway to good and drunk.
He’d been bitter since I’d told the guys that Sabrina and I were together. I don’t think he liked being the only one of us who was single.
“That’s kind of crappy, man,” Cam said, putting his hand on my shoulder.
I looked up and met Van’s gaze. He was the only one who knew why I was avoiding Sabrina and why I hadn’t wanted to invite her. But with the stares of four other judging people and Cam’s words rattling around in my mind, I realized it was kind of shitty not to invite her.
“I, uh, I guess I just wasn’t thinking,” I said lamely. “I’m not exactly used to having to think about someone else.”
It was a lie. I’d been thinking about Sabrina earlier, after the concert when she’d asked me to watch a movie and I’d told her I was going out with the guys. And I’d seen the expectant look in her eyes, like she was waiting for me to invite her. Instead I’d tried to be cute and told her that I hoped she had sweet dreams about me, alluding to the fact that we’d be out late, so I wasn’t going to see her until the next day. I’d just been avoiding the inevitable. I’d intentionally not invited her.
Westside Series Box Set Page 111