Bruises of the Heart

by J. J. Nite

  "I'm not sure. I think that is a question better answered by you. You haven't known him for very long, and sometimes figuring all that out takes a while. And I haven't really seen the two of you together a whole lot."

  I nodded and sat quietly with my own thoughts for a while. She was lost in her own and, before either of us realized it the fire had died down, letting the cold creep closer to us. The clock was chiming ten o'clock.

  "Well, I'm going to get ready for bed and I think that you need to as well. Try and get some sleep and I'll see you in the morning. Love you," she said, then got up from the couch and made sure the fire was banked appropriately for the night.

  I sat alone on the couch for a little while longer. I just let everything we had talked about sink in and I rolled some of the more important points around and around. I wasn't coming up with any solid answers, so I got up and went to bed, hoping my dreams would let me sleep.

  Quietly, I entered the bathroom right outside of my mom's bedroom. I changed my clothes and grimaced at the marks developing on my upper arms. I would have to remember to wear something appropriate until they cleared up. I finished getting ready for bed, then just as quietly left for my room.

  Lying in bed, I couldn't seem to shut my mind off long enough to fall asleep. I was plagued with questions I didn't have answers to, especially the few that kept repeating themselves. Where was my relationship with Will going? Was he my soul mate and, if he was, what was I supposed to do about how he was treating me?

  I knew I loved him — or at least thought I did, and that alone scared me. Loving him made me a little afraid, because I had loved Noah, too, and he'd left me. I couldn't take that kind of heartbreak again, so I needed to do whatever was necessary to keep Will in my life. As for whether or not he was my soul mate, maybe time would tell.

  I blamed his treatment of me on his father. My brief observation of the man and initial impression the one time I had been to their home was not a favorable one. He seemed to be very overbearing toward everyone, and if that was how Will had been raised, then he didn't know any better. It was up to me to teach him how he should treat the people he loved.

  Just before dawn, I awoke with a start. My heart was beating fiercely and I struggled to remember what had woken me so abruptly. Then it all came back to me in a rush. As I had fallen into a fitful sleep with all of the questions still going around in my mind, the ever-present dream had begun again.

  I was standing in the hallway with all the people, but suddenly I was no longer in school. I was in a church, walking down the aisle in a beautiful white gown, with all of my friends and family looking on. I looked to the end of the aisle and saw Tara standing there, smiling. Farther to the right, Noah stood waiting for me.

  As I reached him and put my hand in his, I heard a loud shout, then screams from the guests. I turned to see what the commotion was and saw the hooded figure with glowing red eyes walking down the center aisle toward us.

  Noah pulled me closer to him and tried to push me behind his back, but before he could, the figure raised a gun and fired, hitting Noah in the chest. I tried to scream, but no sound came out as I watched him fall, the front of his shirt turning bright red.

  I felt the figure coming closer behind me, then the cold feel of fingers wrapping around my wrist and pulling me away, always away. This time, however, I heard an angry voice whisper to me as I was towed away from Noah and everyone who was assembled in the church.

  "I told you I would never let you leave me, especially for him. Aren't you ever going to learn?"

  My blood turned to ice.

  Chapter Six

  I lied in my bed until my alarm went off, trying to find some logical explanation I could live with, but I couldn't. I continued to think about the dream while I got ready for school and ate breakfast. "You're awfully quiet this morning. Anything wrong?" my mom asked.

  "No, I just had a really weird dream. I'm trying to figure out what it means," I answered.

  My mom grinned at me. She was a beautiful woman, and now I understood why she hadn't remarried after my dad had died. I worried she would be lonely here all by herself when I went to college, but there wasn't much I could do about that.

  "Are you cold, honey? I can build up the fire if you need me to," she offered.

  "No, I'm fine. Why would you ask?"

  "You're sitting there in a heavy sweater looking like you want to pull it up over your head, and you're a little pale. That must have been some dream." She yawned and turned to the coffee pot.

  She didn't know the half of it. On one hand, the dream scared me, and on the other, I was disappointed, but I wasn't completely sure why. Was it because I was hoping Will would be at the end of the aisle waiting for me, or was it because I had wanted my dream to be real? Up until the freaky part, anyway.

  Why did life have to be so complicated? All I wanted was to be sure the guy I was with was the person I was supposed to be with forever. Selfishly I wanted what my parents had briefly had, and I was tired of waiting.

  Tara picked me up for school and was very unhappy I hadn't called her the night before. She was very interested in the confrontation between Noah and Will. I filled her in on everything that had happened, again omitting my new bruises.

  She seemed to get over her annoyance with me fairly quickly. I'm sure it had everything to do with the new gossip I had given her to think about.

  "I wonder if Noah is jealous of Will? I mean, he hasn't really paid any attention to you over the last several months, and now that you're happy and moving on, he starts in on the very masculine line of 'I don't like him' and 'I don't think that he's good for you.' I mean, what's that all about?" She rattled it off so quickly I barely caught all of what she was saying.

  "I have no idea if Noah is jealous, but maybe he's just trying to be a friend again. Not that he has any right to look out for me or have a say about who I date. I mean, it's okay for him to move on, but he would be happier if I just sat in my room hoping he'll change his mind. I don't think so. I deserve to be happy and move on just like he did," I said.

  "You got that right. He can't expect you to wait around for him to come to his senses. That could take forever." She started laughing.

  Against my better judgment, I joined her. It felt good to make jokes and giggle with my friend again.

  Will was waiting for me by my locker with a bouquet of flowers and an apologetic smile. No one had ever gotten me flowers before, and I decided I really liked it.

  "Hey. I wanted to apologize again for overreacting yesterday. How are you feeling?" he asked.

  "I'm good. My arms are a little sore, but other than that…"

  He reached out and stroked my cheek. Then, he hooked his finger inside the collar of my sweater. Tipping my chin up he gave me a fierce kiss.

  "We should get to class," Will said as he pulled away.

  My head was spinning as I turned to open my locker and put the flowers carefully inside. When I had finally accomplished what should have been an easy task, he took my hand tenderly in his and we walked to class.

  The day sped by with only a small hiccup in P.E. I didn't have anything to put on under my t-shirt, and without long sleeves, everyone would see my bruises. Luckily we had a substitute and didn't have to change. We sat in the classroom and watched a movie about some football team that at some other time I might have found entertaining, but today my thoughts were totally distracted.

  "Did you see Noah staring at you? I think he's jealous. Serves him right," Tara whispered to me.

  "I saw him. There wasn't much chance of me missing it. I feel like I should check my back for holes." I smiled at her. "I still don't get why, though. I mean, he's the one who broke it off, not me. He's the one who moved on first while I was still trying to figure out how to breathe again." I let some of my hurt slip into my voice.

  "Girls, please pay attention," the substitute said from the front of the room.

  I rolled my eyes and Tara started to giggle. It was co
ntagious, which only earned us another look, which made us laugh all the harder.

  ****

  The next few weeks made me feel like I was walking in a dream. School was going really well, Tara and I were talking like we'd used to before Noah had broken up with me, and my dreams were no longer strange and twisted. Then there was Will. He was so loving and romantic. Every few days he gave me flowers, and one day he presented me with something special.

  Spring had arrived, and we took walks in the afternoon around my grandparents' property. I had always loved it here. It looked different in every season, and now that it was springtime, the horses were turned out during the day and the barn doors were wide open. Will and I would wander through the barn and fields, talking about anything and everything.

  One day a few weeks before spring break, we were walking through the barn, the sweet smell of hay and horses saturating the air, when we stopped to look in on Lily, my grandmother's pregnant mare.

  "Why is this one in here when the other ones are out in the pasture?" Will asked.

  "She is very close to foaling, and it is better if she's here where we can watch and help her if she needs it," I said while petting Lily's velvety-soft nose.

  "Oh," he said, not seeming very interested. "I… have something for you. It's just something that, when I saw it, I thought that it would look beautiful on you."

  He pulled a small black velvet box out of his coat pocket, and all at once I was very apprehensive. I hadn't forgotten what happened when he got angry, and hopefully I wouldn't feel the need to refuse whatever was in that box and risk prodding his temper.

  I took the offered box and held it in the palm of my hand.

  "It isn't going to bite. You can open it, you know," he said, smiling.

  A little laugh escaped me, and even to my ears it sounded high and panicky. I tried to cover my nervousness and slowly opened the box to reveal a gold necklace with a heart-shaped locket. It was so beautiful and delicate-looking. I took it out of the box to look at it more closely. Finding the little catch, I opened it up. On the left side there was a picture of Will and me, and on the right there was an engraved word. Always.

  "I wanted you to have something that showed how very much I love you. I will always love you, Victoria," Will said. He gently took the necklace from me and put it around my neck. I looked up at him when he had finished. He leaned into me and gave me the most meaningful kiss, full of promise and love.

  I could feel the boards of the stall door pushing into my back as I wound my arms around his neck and grasped his silky hair with my fingers. I could feel the warmth from him seeping into my body, and was relaxing when there was a hard shove to my shoulder. I was thrown against Will, which threw him off balance, and we both tumbled to the floor.

  He started to swear, and I turned over to see what had happened only to see Lily looking over the top of the stall door. I started to laugh, and Will stopped cursing long enough to look at me like I had lost my mind.

  "What is so funny about this?" he demanded, getting to his feet and attempting to brush himself off.

  "I guess Lily felt she needed a little attention," I said, still laughing.

  "Great, well now my clothes are dirty and they smell like this stupid barn. I really don't understand why you like it in here so much. It's dirty, dusty, and smells like those horses," he said with a disgusted look on his face.

  The happy feelings that had infected me the last several weeks were slowly seeping out of me and the trepidation I had gotten used to was replacing them. "I thought that you liked coming in here with me."

  "I come in here not because I like it or these horses, but because I was with you. I need to go home now and change." He grabbed me by the hand, towing me out of the barn and back up the path to the cabin. "I'm glad that you like the necklace, though. You'll always wear it and that will make me happy."

  I didn't know what to say to this dictate, and I was already off balance mentally after his outburst in the barn. I'd really thought he shared my interest in the horses and was beginning to understand why I liked it there so much, but I guessed it was okay that he liked being there with me.

  "I'll see you tomorrow in school," he said before brushing a kiss across my lips and getting into his car. Before I could gather my thoughts and respond, he was already driving away without a backward glance.

  I stood in front of the cabin, trying to figure out what had happened, then gave up. I turned around and slowly went up the steps with the intention of starting dinner. Mom had left a voicemail saying she was going to bring dinner home, so I settled on the couch to do my homework until she got there.

  The heart locket lay heavy on my chest. I lifted it away from its resting place and looked at it again. It really was beautiful, with a rose engraved on the face of it.

  The voice in the back of my head started interrogating me. Why don't you feel happier about this gift? What's the real problem with the inscription? Why can't you answer any of these questions, Victoria? Don't you think you should be able to?

  I almost welcomed the voice back… almost. It had been very quiet with nothing much to say recently, but now I imagined it would be back to annoying me. I hoped my dreams would remain peaceful. I was getting used to sleeping past dawn again.

  "Hey, Victoria. I brought home Chinese. I hope you're hungry. How was your day?" my mom asked as she breezed in to the cabin.

  I filled her in on my day and, of course, showed her the locket I had been given.

  "That's beautiful, Victoria. I'm assuming that it's from Will," Mom said.

  "Yes."

  I told her about what had happened in the barn, leaving out how fluently Will had cursed and how deep our kiss had been, even though she probably guessed. My mom laughed at Lily's antics just like I had, and I realized how much we were alike.

  "Oh my, he must have been upset by that. He's never really struck me as much of a country boy. Not like Noah is, anyway." Her eyes grew wide in surprise and horror at speaking the name that had been all but banned from the house. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean anything by that. It just slipped out," she said apologetically.

  "It's okay, Mom. Really, I don't cringe at the mere mention of his name any longer, so I guess I'm over him."

  "What was that? That 'I guess' part."

  "I don't know what you mean," I said, trying to talk above the voice in my head.

  "You said that you guess that you're over him, but unless you're certain…"

  "Just say what you're thinking. I know it must be killing you to keep it to yourself," I said, giving her a little smile.

  Mom took a deep breath and pushed what remained of her kung pao chicken around on her plate before looking back to my face. "Do you remember our conversation a few weeks ago, about why I never dated anyone after your dad died?"

  I nodded my head.

  "I told you how I've never gotten over your dad; I've just learned how to live without him. I'm worried that you haven't really dealt with all of those feelings and that you're just moving on too quickly. I don't want you to settle for something that isn't right for you — someone that doesn't make you lose your breath or who makes your heart beat an unsteady rhythm just thinking about him. That's what you deserve, and it's the one thing that you shouldn't ever compromise on."

  I sat and stared at my mom. How was it possible for her to be able to so accurately pinpoint my internal struggle?

  "I'm sorry if I said too much, but I thought that it needed to be said. And I know that it's weird to hear your mom talk about feelings, but I think that I have a unique view that I hope you can benefit from."

  She stood up and took her plate to the kitchen. I watched her silently clean up what little there was, and I thought about what she had said. I think it hit a little too close to the mark and I mentally balked at her assessment. I so wanted to be over Noah and to move on with Will, but was he the right guy for me?

  I had to admit I didn't lose my breath anymore and my heart was almost al
ways steady, but maybe there was another reason for my lack of physical reaction. Maybe things were just becoming comfortable between us. But is that what I really wanted? To be merely comfortable with him?

  I took my plate to the kitchen and washed it. My mom had gone to her room to change. I leaned back against the sink and took the time to look around me. The living room was small, with a chocolate-brown couch and chair positioned to face both the TV in the corner and the enormous stone fireplace, the dominant feature of the wall. The room was open to the kitchen that also served as the dining room. Around a small wall that split the cabin almost in two were the two bedrooms and the bathroom.

  I could see almost the whole cabin from where I was standing, but the size of our home had never bothered me. Mom had always made it a very happy place to be, and I had never wanted anything bigger or more elegant. This cabin just seemed to fit us.

  Mom came back into the room and looked at me. I smiled at her and she shook her head at me, smiling. "If your father was here, he would tell you that you over-think things just like me. It's one of those things he would tease me about. So what has you thinking so hard?"

  "I was just looking around and thinking how perfectly we fit in here."

  "You don't wish that you had lived somewhere bigger?" she asked, moving to sit on the couch.

  "No. This is home… where I belong. Can I ask you something?" I asked, sitting down on the couch with her.

  "Of course you can."

  "Were you and Dad the same kind of person? I mean, would he have fit here like we do, or should he have been someplace else? I know that doesn't really make any sense, but I can't think of any other way to ask."

  She smiled at me before answering. "Yes, your dad would have fit here just like we do. He loved this place, hanging around the barns and the pastures like you do, and the few weeks we were able to spend together as a family after we got married were spent here. Those are memories I keep very close to my heart," she said a little sadly.