Lost Trails

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  Zander closed his eyes for a moment and then pierced Nathan with his gaze. “I was close, Nathan. I probably only needed a few more weeks and you ruined even that for me. You’re not satisfied destroying your own bridges with your family, you have to overturn everyone else’s.” Zander tried not to let his anger consume him, but the frustrations from the last twenty-four-hours were getting to him and he’d let Hannah down because of what? Nathan’s inability to control himself?

  “What are you talking about? You’re not tied to my family. Did you go there to meet someone? They’re all married, Alex. Everyone except Hannah and she’s too young... wait, a minute.” Nathan’s eyes widened, he motioned toward Zander with the top of the bottle. “Not... Hannah. What did you do? She’s just a little girl, man.”

  Zander shook his head, his anger fading to sadness. “No, she’s far from little anymore. I fell for her. She’s nothing like you described. She’s beautiful, spunky, strong, and determined. I fell for her and your family which I didn’t even get to see very much of but which I could feel the draw of love from.”

  Nathan’s anger reached the volcanic point and he rushed Zander, grabbing him by the shirt lapels and pushing him until Zander’s back scratched against the round, splintery wood of the rope post.

  Zander didn’t flinch, turning his head to the side, he grunted. “What? You can’t handle honesty?” It felt good to boldly declare the truth. To be honest and forthright. He hadn’t been able to be honest long enough to feel like he might have forgotten how to be.

  Tears in Nathan’s red-rimmed eyes hinted at more than just an inability to handle the truth. Holding his forearm across Zander’s upper chest, he puffed, gasping against his own pain. “That’s my family. Mine.”

  Zander didn’t fight his friend. Whether he ever got another chance at being a member of the Trails or not, Nathan was as good as his brother. Zander needed to set him straight. The man deserved it. He twisted his face until it was squared with Nathan’s, an inch separating their noses. “Then act like it. Go back to them. You’ll always have a job here, if you want it, but they need you. You need them.”

  Nathan jerked away, wiping at his face and breathing heavily. “You don’t understand. You don’t get it.”

  “Enough is enough. You think I haven’t watched you drink yourself hopeless this last year or so as you’ve worked for me? I haven’t said anything before now because I liked having you for a drinking buddy as I wallowed in my own regrets and loneliness. Even though I lost Hannah, I’m not going to let this family down.” Zander thrust a finger at Nathan’s chest. “You’re my family, man. You and this crew here at Silver Spoons. You don’t want to go back? At least face what you’ve given up and move on.”

  “I can’t. You don’t understand. I’ve been gone too long.” Nathan shook his head, pressing his lips resolutely together.

  Zander stepped closer to his friend, his boots scratching over the straw-covered concrete. “It’s never too late. Go back.” He reached out and clapped a hand on Nathan’s shoulder. “Look, you can do it as a favor for me, put in a good word with Hannah and she might forgive me in a thousand years or so.” His sad self-deprecating laugh didn’t fool either of them.

  At the question in Nathan’s eyes, Zander twisted his lips to the side in a smile he didn’t feel. “I’m a liar. I said I would look into finding you when I knew where you were the whole time. She didn’t even know me as my real name. I told her I was Zander.”

  “But...” Nathan’s shoulder slumped forward and he sighed again. “Neither of us are good enough for the Trails.” He lifted the bottle and drained the last quarter-cup of contents. “I’ll be gone by morning.”

  “Why? You’re quitting already?” Zander didn’t want to lose Nathan. He was a hard worker and while Tommy was his foreman, the older man would want to move on some day. The other men looked to Nathan for how to do things. He had solid experience in ranching jobs, but he wasn’t level-headed enough to lead. Not right now.

  Squinting at Zander, Nathan licked his lips. “You’re not firing me?”

  “Nope. Nice try, though. I know how you work, Rourke. Trying to get fired so you have an excuse to run. Tell you what, you want to leave? You’re welcome to. I won’t fight you. I’ll even make sure your pay is ready and waiting.” Zander leaned close and lowered his voice. “But you won’t be happy anywhere else. At least not right now.”

  Nathan nodded slowly, as if processing what was happening was taking more brain cells than what were awake.

  Zander snapped his fingers as if he’d just remembered something. “Oh, and can you, please, fix the problem with Lenze? He likes you and it wasn’t his fault that happened. I’m not sure what sparked it, but I’m sure there’s a resolution in there somewhere.” Zander claimed the empty bottle from Nathan. “Since I’m giving orders, lay off the sauce, too.”

  Nathan rubbed his free hand over his face. He blinked, taking in the destruction of the barn. He hadn’t sobered up completely, but he had snapped out of his alcohol-induced rage enough to see what he’d done. He shook his head. “I’m sorry, man. I didn’t... I’ll get this cleaned up.”

  Zander nodded. “Thanks. Sleep this off, first. I don’t need you putting hats in the horse troughs.” He offered a half-cocked grin and turned back to the house.

  Hannah was right. No one would care for your home the way you would. Unfortunately, Zander had had to make the decision to return and protect his home or stay and protect his heart.

  What a choice.

  Chapter 19

  Hannah

  If a week since Zander left hadn’t helped with the pain, Hannah wasn’t sure any amount of time was going to help. Especially since she couldn’t sleep and she doubted everything about herself.

  At least she’d made a hard and fast decision she wasn’t going to let herself walk away from.

  The morning after Zander left, Hannah had scheduled her tour with the culinary school. She’d clenched her teeth and forced herself to do it before she backed down. She was in the angry stage, the mad-I-can’t-believe-he-left-me-like-that stage.

  Now, though, after seven nights away from the situation, her anger had ebbed and she was just trying to fight the sadness with a solid resolution to get things done. She’d signed up for the tour and wouldn’t let herself back out.

  Nathan and Zander wouldn’t keep her from her dreams when they hadn’t bothered to stick around.

  Hannah was supposed to leave that night for the school. She still hadn’t told Stefanie or Drake what was happening. She was afraid that if they knew, they would succeed at talking her out of it. She planned on driving through the night and staying at a hotel in Mersdin until her tour time which was early the next morning – about nine, but she had to double-check the itinerary they’d emailed her.

  Hannah hadn’t had to put much work into dinner, opting for steak and baked potatoes with some vegetables. She’d been packing all day and hiding that would have been difficult while working on an intricate meal.

  Drake broke through her thoughts. “Did you want some bacon for your baked potato, Hannah?” Drake offered her the glass bowl, stretching across the dinner table. He glanced at Stefanie like they were both waiting for something to happen, but they weren’t sure what.

  Hannah took the bowl but set it beside her plate. She couldn’t eat until she’d gotten the news off her chest. She couldn’t just up and disappear like Nate had... like Zander had.

  Placing both hands palm down beside her plate, she stood slowly and looked at Stefanie and Drake. They stopped loading their plates and lowered their hands to rest on the table, watching her. She took a deep breath and hardened her resolve. “I’m leaving tonight for a tour of a college I’m trying to get into. A culinary school.”

  She sank into her seat, able to breathe a little more solidly. If nothing else, at least she got it out, albeit a little choppy. The silence echoed around Hannah as Stefanie blinked repeatedly at her and Drake put his hand in his lap. The
y stared at Hannah like she’d announced she was leaving to join the rodeo in Mexico.

  A freeing sensation came over Hannah. She’d said what she needed to say and suddenly she was hungry. She ignored the silence and picked up her fork, eating her dinner with a gusto she’d missed since... well, since Zander left.

  She couldn’t focus on him though. She was going to start her life. It was for the best that he’d left. She never would’ve gone forward with chasing her dreams, if she’d been stuck at Bella Acres because of a ranch hand. She hadn’t scheduled a tour until that time because she hadn’t wanted to be away from the ranch and any time she might have had with him. Well, he’d left and she was moving on.

  Even if she had been falling for him.

  Stefanie picked up her fork and then put it back down on her plate, the resulting ting loud in the tense silence. She shook her head. “No. You’re not leaving. You can’t just leave us like that.” She looked to Drake for support, her eyes wide and desperate. “Tell her, Drake. We need more notice than that. She can’t leave. Tonight... you’re going to leave tonight?” She covered her mouth on a gasp, like she couldn’t believe the horror and it wasn’t even horrific.

  Drake considered his wife and then turned searching eyes toward Hannah. “I get it. You’ve been so upset by what has been going on. You have my support.” Stefanie gasped but Drake continued. “You do know you don’t have to leave, though, right? We can get through this together. This is just as much your home as it is ours.”

  But it wasn’t. He could say that and while Hannah believed she could live there as long as she wanted, Bella Acres wasn’t her home. It couldn’t be. Too much was in the past. She shook her head. “No, this is a good thing and it has nothing to do with... I’ve been planning on this for a while. I was rejected from the Seattle school a while back and then I tried for the school in North Dakota.”

  From the way Drake skirted the topic, Stefanie must have told Drake about Zander. That added to her discomfort. She didn’t need everyone knowing she’d been a naïve girl and fallen for the head-turning cowboy.

  Stefanie jerked her head back at the mention of the schools. “Well, the Seattle school is stupid to let you get away. Psh.” Her immediate support for her sister brought tears to Hannah’s eyes. It didn’t matter that Stefanie didn’t want her to leave, she was still upset that her sister had been rejected and immediately had her hackles up.

  That meant more than if Stefanie helped Hannah pack for the trip and walked her to the car.

  Hannah changed her mind and put her fork down and actually turned her glass of water around and around on the white tablecloth to give her fingers something to do. “Thanks, Stefanie.” She swallowed against the sudden tightness in her throat.

  Widening her gaze, Stefanie pulled back as she considered Hannah. “Is this because of that guy?” Stefanie glanced at Drake. “Remember, I told you about Zander and Hannah having a date? He never showed up.” Stefanie narrowed her eyes. “Is that what this is about?”

  “You didn’t say it was Zander. You said she was upset about being left. I assumed you meant Nate....” Drake turned his gaze to Hannah, his expression filled with regret. “I’m sorry, Hannah. I didn’t know... I mean, I suspected, but I didn’t know or I would’ve told you sooner.”

  Had Hannah missed something? Stefanie and Hannah both understood that that was the “incident” from a week ago that had been a turning point for Hannah. But what did Drake know?

  “Tell me what?” Hannah turned a questioning gaze to Drake. “What is going on? Did you know he was going to leave?” She glanced at her plate and mumbled, “Like everyone else does?”

  Drake’s soft answer carried across the table. “Like you’re doing?”

  “It’s not the same thing.” Jerking her gaze to his face, Hannah half-shook her head in hard denial of the harsh truth. Of course, that’s how it looked, but... she sank back into her seat. She was running. She bit her lower lip.

  “It’s not?” Drake eyed Hannah like she had the answers and he was just waiting to hear them.

  “Yeah, but it’s different. I’m not going out of fear or loss. I’m going to better myself, to make dreams come true. You guys need to have your home to yourselves. It’s time for little baby Bensons to run around the ranch. I want to start my life and I don’t want to do it here. There’s too much loss...” Her words trailed off. She didn’t want the memory of Emma and her death to follow her around. She didn’t want to be haunted by her brother’s abandonment or the fact that the only man she’d ever even started to imagine a future with had left. None of that could rule her life. She had to move on and her sister and brother-in-law had to stand by her side, even as they watched her drive away.

  Considering Hannah, Drake leaned forward. He blinked several times while trying to make up his mind about something.

  Hannah glanced at Stefanie who watched Drake as well. What was he going to say? No? She was a grown woman. She didn’t need his permission. But then, why was she sitting there, worried about what he was going to say? Because she loved him and he hadn’t left Stefanie or Hannah yet. He might be the only man who never would.

  “Zander didn’t just leave. He had pressing responsibilities at his home to take care of.” Drake’s answer seemed out of place, almost as if he hadn’t wanted to tell her, but he’d known she would need to know. Why hadn’t he said anything about this earlier?

  Slapping the top of the table, Stefanie interrupted. “Zander doesn’t get any more of our time. You don’t think about him. Think about what you’re doing. When do you leave? How long do we have?”

  “Tonight, about an hour after dinner.” Hannah dragged her gaze from Drake’s face and looked to her sister who was obviously trying to put on a brave face with a stiff smile.

  “Let’s pack you some food, and maybe I can still con you into doing the dishes.” Stefanie looked away from Hannah, toward her own plate and swallowed, her smile forced.

  Hannah had hoped Stefanie wouldn’t be upset because Hannah was leaving. Hannah wasn’t the only one Nate had walked away from, but she was the only one who was alone. Stefanie had Drake to turn to.

  Hannah didn’t have anyone.

  After a moment, Drake reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He dug out a card and slid it across the table to Hannah. When she picked it up, he said, “Stop in there. Rumor has it they have information on Nate.”

  That bombshell brought Stefanie and Hannah’s collective surprise-filled gasps. Nate? “Really?” Hannah asked what Stefanie apparently couldn’t get out. Their brother? How long had Drake known?

  After a moment, Stefanie’s surprise turned to suspicion. “How long have you known about this, Drake?” She stood up and walked around behind Hannah, leaning over to inspect the card with her sister. The card was simple but elegant with embossed ink and a sharp font.

  “A week. I just didn’t know when to say something or even if I should. Nate’s been gone a long time. I’m not sure how beneficial it is to have our lives turned upside down every time there’s even a remote chance we might find him. He doesn’t want to be found.” Drake’s tired explanation was one Hannah had thought multiple times. The same argument she said repeatedly as she’d forced herself to stop looking for Nate in every store, every window she passed over the years.

  Except... he was her brother and she didn’t want to stop looking.

  She studied the card. The town listed in the address line of the business card was Stampede, Montana. The name was familiar. She couldn’t place it. Maybe it was close to Mersdin and she’d seen it on a map. The Silver Spoons Ranch. Alexander Strong, III. Okay, that was pretentious as all get out, but she’d stop in to find out about Nate. Especially, if it was on her way.

  What could it hurt? She’d searched even colder clues on even deader trails.

  The card doubled-down her determination. Whoever this Alexander Strong was, he’d better be ready. She was going to claim her brother back.

  Cha
pter 20

  Zander

  Silver Spoons Ranch had taken on a whole new meaning for Zander. He didn’t even want to return to using “Alex” like before. Now, just over a week after having left, he could tell he’d changed.

  Instead of putting on his clothes like he was going out to survey the land and the work his crews were doing, he put on his ranching wear to go work alongside them. He wouldn’t know exactly what was going on with the men or with his place unless he was actually working and taking care of the ranch himself.

  Early mornings worked best for him and he couldn’t help seeing the sunrise and thinking of the raspberries at Bella Acres. The way the pinkening light had made Hannah’s dark hair look even darker and her skin even more fair. She could’ve been cast in the story Snow White. But none of that mattered now and Zander still couldn’t get that loss out of his head.

  Or his heart.

  It had only been a week since he’d lost that dream and he couldn’t imagine the pain would lessen any, if at all. He didn’t want to face the fact that there was also a small amount of bitterness toward his home when he worked on it. As if he had to work there, because he’d given up his most basic of desires of a family and starting one of his own just to keep it running well. Maybe he could look into mail order bride or something. He’d heard of match-making. Something had to help him with his breaking heart.

  Even that thought felt disloyal. He hadn’t had a chance to seek more with Hannah and he didn’t want to try with anyone else – perfectly matched or not.

  The more he thought about it, the more he couldn’t help wondering if a home was worth having, if there wasn’t a family to add life to it.

  Chimes rang throughout the house, signaling the doorbell. He hadn’t heard that sound in a long time and certainly not at six-thirty or so in the morning. Maria wouldn’t be up moving around until seven or so. Answering the door would be up to him.

  It certainly wouldn’t be missionaries or vacuum salesmen. There was no accident that the gate was closed and the drive as long as it was. If you were at the door of the main house, you had a reason and you’d gone through a lot to get there.