Dreams Unspoken

by R. J. Layer

  Jo smiled. “And what did the two of you decide?”

  “I love the idea of being out there in the peace and quiet, but I don’t want to be a burden on you. You’ve already gone above and beyond any friend I’ve ever had.”

  Jo slid her hand over Maria’s. “You and your children would never be a burden on me. Please believe that.” Maria turned her hand over, intertwining their fingers, her eyes shining darkly.

  Maria looked at the strong hand holding hers. “You have to promise me you won’t change how you live your life to accommodate us if we move in with you. Temporarily, of course.”

  “Okay. But I’m not sure what you’re talking about changing.”

  Maria continued to gaze at their interlocked hands and realized she wanted to hold onto Jo’s hand and never let go. But she released her fingers and slipped her hand away.

  “You have to continue to date and go out and spend time with your friends.”

  Jo chuckled. “Ah yes, my active personal life. We can’t possibly have a lull in it. It might actually cease to exist.”

  She smacked Jo’s arm. “I’m very serious about this.”

  “Okay, but I’m not sure what exciting nightlife, or whatever, you think I might be missing out on.”

  Despite the niggling fear of having Jo’s answer, she asked, “What about Dr. Mathews?”

  Jo stretched her fingers and made a fist with her left hand, remembering the last time they’d talked. “I haven’t seen her since I got my cast off.” Maria didn’t need to know that they’d not even spoken since that day. “Our schedules are so different.”

  In truth, Loren made it clear that she couldn’t see Jo as long as Jo was in love with Maria. Jo tried arguing that Loren’s perceptions about her feelings were wrong, but could only do so half-heartedly. In the end, she knew Loren was right. Hell, even Kathleen was able to see that Jo had serious feelings for Maria.

  “Maybe if you’re not devoting so much time to me and my kids, you two can find some mutual time.” Jo only shrugged. “Unless you promise me, Jo Marchal, to quit hovering like a mother and go back to the life you’re accustomed to, I won’t even entertain the idea of living at the farm, for any amount of time.”

  Silence loomed between them before Jo finally responded. “Okay, okay, but what, you gonna hold me to some kind of quota on dates or something?”

  Maria pursed her lips. “Only if I think you’re neglecting your own life.” Jo turned her head and rolled her eyes. “Are we agreed?”

  She returned her gaze to Maria and said, smiling, “I can live with those terms. Should we be drawing up a contract and sign in blood or something?” She immediately regretted her choice of words, but Maria only narrowed her eyes at her.

  “I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.”

  * * *

  They made their plans and by the end of September, Jo had worked out everything so they could be a settled, happy family out at the farm. Within the week, the necessary things were moved and stored and a renter for Maria’s house had been found. They established a good working routine in the first few weeks. Maria would have the kids ready to go in the morning, dropping Matt first by his school and the baby at Kathleen’s for a few hours while she did some work at her office. She returned to the farm by lunchtime to feed Jo, Tucker and whoever else was working at the time. She scheduled her appointments for late afternoon whenever possible and Jo gladly sat with the baby. Maria would return with Matt and they’d have a family dinner. The evening routine included Jo cleaning up the kitchen, starting laundry when necessary, while Maria readied the kids for bed and tucked them in. They could generally manage to meet at the kitchen island by nine or so to unwind from their busy days.

  One such night in the middle of October, while sipping her herbal tea, Maria said, “You look worn out, Jo. You don’t look at all like the laid-back cowgirl you used to be.”

  Jo took a swallow of her beer. “Well, that’s why little Jo likes me so much. She thinks I’m her ol’ nana.”

  “Nice try at steering the conversation away from where I was going with it.”

  Jo furrowed her brows. “Which was?”

  “You need to go out and relax and have some fun. Like you used to before we invaded your life.”

  “Yeah, well, running around and hanging out in bars is overrated, believe me.”

  Maria shook her head. “In any case, I want you to go out to a movie or dinner with a friend, someone…something, but I want you out of this house Saturday night.”

  Jo’s eyes widened. “Ah, and the truth shall be revealed. You want me outta here because you’re gonna have some guy over for a little hanky panky.” She gave what she hoped was a devilish smile. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

  Maria wadded up her napkin and tossed it at her. “Hardly. That is the furthest thing from my mind. I want you to go out and forget about dishes and diapers, laundry and grocery runs. I want you to kick back, have a few beers and, as you so aptly put it, have some hanky panky.” Maria tilted her head with a smile as Jo tossed the napkin back at her and laughed.

  “What, you think I can walk into a bar and pick out a woman to go home with?”

  Maria blushed. “I can’t imagine there’s any shortage of women that would want that with you.”

  Heat warmed Jo’s face. “Be that as it may, or not, it’s not me. And I’m not interested in a relationship.”

  Sighing audibly, Maria reached across the counter and touched Jo’s hand. “Oh sweetie, I’m not trying to push you into a relationship. But who hurt you so deeply that you won’t even try and let someone love you?” Jo lifted a shoulder. “I can’t stand watching you sit around the house night after night. That’s what I do. I’m a mother, that’s what we do. Look…we had an agreement, did we not?”

  Jo averted her eyes and pretended to search her memory. “Did we?” When her gaze moved back to Maria, she narrowed her eyes at Jo.

  “Don’t play naïve. You know very well we did, and if you don’t go out Saturday night, I will move us out of here so fast your head will spin. Then maybe you’ll get on with your life.” Maria’s attitude shocked Jo.

  “Wow! That kinda sounds like a threat.” Jo smiled.

  Maria’s expression was as stern as Jo had ever seen. “If that’s what it takes to get you to honor the word you gave me, yes, I’m threatening to pack me and the kids and move back to town.”

  Jo rubbed her hands over her face and through her hair. “Okay, I’ll go out to the bar in Prescott Saturday night.”

  “Maybe you can call your friend Cecile to come for a visit and go out with you.”

  Jo laughed. “There’s definitely not enough room in this house for Cecile to visit. I’d be seriously afraid she’d scare the devil out of Matt.”

  Maria’s tight lips curled into a smile. “Thank you.” Jo nodded. “And can we not make this such a hard-fought battle in the future?”

  Jo nodded again. “So if I go out and get drunk are you going to load the kids in the car at midnight to come and get me if I call?”

  Maria got up and set her cup in the sink. “If you need me to, I will. Isn’t that what friends do for each other?” She placed a hand on Jo’s shoulder. “Thank you again.” She pressed her lips to the top of Jo’s head. “Goodnight, Jo.”

  “Night.”

  Jo’s breath caught and she held it until Maria was out of the kitchen. She shook off the shiver that had raced through her from Maria’s nearness and the innocent kiss.

  As she sat finishing her beer she stewed over how much she didn’t want to go out to the bar Saturday night. But since she had given her word, she’d have to suck it up.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Jo was so apprehensive about having to go out she couldn’t enjoy dinner Saturday. Maria insisted on cleaning up, pushing Jo from the kitchen to go get ready. She carried a beer to the bathroom and took a leisurely hot shower, even shaving because she had the ridiculous thought that Maria might check, or, even more
ridiculous, that she might get lucky.

  Wiping the fog from the mirror, she told her reflection, “The luckiest thing ever happened to you, cowgirl, is that woman in your kitchen.” Using some gel, she combed her hair into place and spent more than twenty minutes deciding what to wear. She mumbled in front of the bedroom mirror since the baby was sleeping. “Just be comfortable. It’s not like you have to dress to impress.” She finally rejoined Maria in the kitchen and tossed her empty bottle in the trash.

  When Jo emerged from her bedroom wearing a T-shirt that matched the blue of her eyes, faded jeans torn at the knees, a well-worn pair of boots and the leather jacket she had given her at Christmas, Maria immediately regretted insisting that she go out in search of some fun. She wanted to keep her home, to herself, and see what kind of fun they could come up with. Jo looked perfectly delectable and Maria’s thighs clenched involuntarily at the sight of her. She struggled for nonchalance when she finally spoke.

  “Is that the look the women go for?”

  Jo looked down at herself. “I don’t dress to be looked at. I like to dress for my own comfort.”

  Maria smiled. “Well, you certainly look comfortable.” She dropped her eyes to the tea bag she dunked in her cup. If she looked at Jo any longer, she would feel a need to bodily block Jo’s exit, arms outstretched in the doorway.

  “Okay, I’m off. I’ve got my cell.” She patted her jeans pocket. “If you need anything at all, call me.”

  Maria glanced at her briefly. “We’ll be fine. Go have fun.” And if Jo’s sex appeal wasn’t torture enough, Jo placed a quick kiss on the top of her head.

  “Don’t wait up, Mom.” And with that Jo was gone.

  Maria sighed deeply. She had planned to soak in a hot bath, but it now seemed more like she would need a cold shower.

  Reluctantly, Jo entered Whispers and found a spot at the bar. She stood with her back to the crowd in her own little world, ignoring a brush against her as rudeness since the place was busy, but a familiar voice interrupted her thoughts.

  “Didn’t think I’d see you out here.” Jo turned around to see Loren waving her empty beer bottle at the barmaid. “So where’s the little woman? Maria, right?”

  “Home with her children, I imagine,” Jo answered.

  “How’s the baby?”

  “Healthy and growing,” Jo responded flatly.

  “Can I buy you a beer?”

  “Sure, thanks.” When the fresh beer came, Jo tipped her bottle. “Thanks again.” She took a drink.

  Loren scrutinized her closely. “You seem down in the dumps, Jo. Anything you want to talk about?”

  Jo shook her head and took a long pull on the beer.

  “Would you rather I leave you alone?”

  “Only if you want to.” Jo forced a smile.

  She didn’t leave. And Jo eventually relaxed into an easy exchange of conversation with Loren, even buying the next round. The more they talked, the closer they stood to one another. Jo couldn’t deny what an attractive woman Loren was, and she smelled heavenly.

  The music slowed and Jo asked, “Would you like to dance?”

  Loren emptied her beer and studied her for a second before grabbing Jo’s hand. “Sure.”

  Jo’s body warmed holding Loren in her arms. Or maybe it was Loren’s hot breath on her neck. Loren’s eyes sparkled with desire when Jo leaned back to look at her, so she closed the distance between them and pressed her lips to Loren’s.

  Loren’s tongue darted into Jo’s mouth, begging to be challenged. The kiss so heated that Loren stopped, grabbed Jo’s hand and tugged her off the dance floor. Part way down the semi-dark hall to the bathrooms, Loren stopped and pinned her against the wall. Jo’s lips were eager and hot, much like the spot between her legs where Loren had slid her thigh. She could feel her own wetness soaking her underwear. She wanted nothing more than soft fingers touching her there. It was as if someone had stuck a match to dry kindling. She was burning hot inside.

  When Loren pushed her hand between them, Jo cried out, “Oh, God—” barely managing to stop herself from uttering Maria’s name. She wanted Maria in her arms, she wanted to kiss her. She stilled Loren’s roving hands and moved her back an arms-length with her hands on her shoulders.

  “I can’t, Loren,” she croaked hoarsely. “I’m sorry. My mind’s somewhere else and I can’t do this to you.”

  Loren took a step back shaking her head. “I got it…you’re still hung up on the straight lady.” She used her fingertip to trace a line from Jo’s breastbone to her navel and with a “sorry you’re missing out” look, said, “I might still be around if you ever get over that.”

  Jo dropped her head and Loren walked off. She went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face before slithering out. She knew better than to drive after downing three beers in a relatively short period of time so she spent an hour sitting in her truck with the windows down. Eventually she made the trip home, driving slowly and deliberately. Turning the truck into the drive, she breathed a sigh of relief and swore to herself never to do that again.

  * * *

  The moment Jo walked out of the door, Maria regretted having been so insistent that she go out and have fun with other gay women. She couldn’t wrap her brain around the jealousy that flared at the thought of a woman’s lips on Jo’s. The very lips she’d kissed once. She’d relived that moment in her mind every day since.

  She struggled daily with the undeniable attraction she felt for Jo. She’d never had more than a passing curiosity about women “in that way.” She’d always dated boys, not a lot, but certainly enough in high school and college to be considered normal. Married for seven years, with a child, that was normal. Wasn’t it?

  She couldn’t be a lesbian. Jo had some masculine characteristics, no question, but there was no mistaking her womanhood. She never tried to appear male. She was simply comfortable with who she was, a strong and very attractive woman.

  No, it wasn’t “women” she was attracted to, Maria decided—it was Jo Marchal. She couldn’t sit down and relax while she was out. She paced between the kitchen and the front window. When the headlights flashed across the darkened living room, however, she made her way down the even darker hall and slipped into bed.

  Jo crept quietly into the house, trying with desperation not to run into anything in the dark. She bumped the entry table, rattling a horse statue, which she skillfully caught. Disaster averted. Had it fallen, it would have sounded like a bomb going off in the silent house. Maria would panic and the baby would cry. She tiptoed down the hall and peeked in both bedrooms. Matt was sleeping soundly. Across the hall Maria and the baby were as well. Jo leaned in the doorway a long moment, watching Maria’s still body. She’d give anything in the world to snuggle up to the woman in her bed, to hold her and be near.

  Staring at her reflection in the hall bath, she mumbled, “In your dreams, cowgirl.” Pulling the covers back on the sofa bed in her office, she flopped down on it. She tossed and turned for hours before sleep ever found her, thinking about Loren’s kiss and seeing Maria in her bed. The images went back and forth, over and over, until she could imagine it was Maria’s lips that had been so warm and inviting on hers hours earlier.

  When the baby cried around four o’clock, Jo couldn’t pry her eyes open, but she heard Maria shushing as she started nursing her. After the first few nights, Jo was able to sleep through the baby’s cries most of the time. She’d offered to help Maria with the late night, early morning feeding, but Maria informed her that for some reason Camilla wouldn’t accept anything but her breast during the night since she came home from the hospital. A bottle, even though it contained breast milk, would not be so welcome, and unless Jo could produce milk, she couldn’t help. The conversation came back to her now as she listened to Maria’s quiet humming.

  Maria pulled the office door closed even though Jo appeared to be sleeping soundly. She hoped since Jo had made it home before midnight she hadn’t met up with a woman. If sh
e had, wouldn’t she have stayed out the night or have another body on the sofa sleeper? She clearly did not. She’d ask about Jo’s night at breakfast.

  Camilla was still sleeping and Maria had only just sat Matt down for his breakfast when Jo trudged into the kitchen looking rather bleary-eyed. Jo reached for the coffee maker. “It’s ready to go,” Maria told her.

  Jo flipped the switch and scrubbed her hands over her face as she leaned against the counter waiting on the coffee.

  Maria masked a smile. “Late night?” Jo merely grunted her reply. Maria leaned against the island. “You look like…well…like you had a rough night.” Jo didn’t respond and simply rubbed her hand over her forehead. “Rough night?” Maria persisted.

  Jo squinted as she looked in her eyes. “Can we put this on hold ‘til I’ve at least had a cup of coffee?” Her voice was raspy.

  Maria turned around for her tea, hiding her smile. “Sure.”

  When Jo sat across the counter, her red eyes glowed like beacons. Maria wondered if it was too much alcohol or something else. She let Jo have half a cup of her coffee before she resumed her questioning.

  “I didn’t expect you home last night. Did you get in late?” She eyed Jo over the top of her cup while sipping her tea.

  Jo cleared her throat. “I got in around midnight. I didn’t really sleep until early this morning for some reason.”

  Maria no longer cared if Jo had met, talked to or done something more with another woman last night because she’d come home. “You’re not coming down with something are you?” She moved around to feel Jo’s neck and forehead. “Hum…no fever.”

  After everything that had gone through Jo’s head last night, Maria was definitely standing too close now. She pushed up off the stool. “I’ll feel better after a shower.” She refilled her cup, in a hurry to vacate the kitchen while Maria was sitting with Matt as he finished his breakfast.

  An hour or so later Maria asked Jo if she could sit with the kids for an hour or two.