Dreams Unspoken

by R. J. Layer

  Jo made her way to the neonatal intensive care unit and, after donning a sterile gown, mask and booties, stood looking into the see-through plastic box at Maria’s tiny baby girl. Her heart swelled with the same kind of love she felt for Maria. An unquestionably protective love. After a moment a nurse broke the silence.

  “She must come from good genes. She’s a real fighter, that little one.”

  Jo couldn’t agree more. When the nurse stepped back out of earshot, Jo said, “You fight with everything you got, beautiful one, ‘cause you got an amazing mom you got to meet.”

  Back in Maria’s room, Jo asked quietly, “Any change?”

  Kathleen looked like she’d been horsewhipped. When she started to get up, Jo gently held her in place and she slumped back. “The nurse was in to check her blood pressure. She said every hour she hangs on is a step in the right direction.”

  “Did she say when she’s going to wake up?”

  Kathleen turned swollen, red eyes to meet Jo’s. “They don’t know. I’m sorry, honey. They’re going to do some test for brain function in the morning if she still hasn’t gained consciousness.”

  Jo turned to stare out the window at the evening sky as fresh tears wet her cheeks. After a several minutes, she composed herself and looked at Kathleen. “How long are you staying?”

  She shifted in the chair. “I hadn’t really thought about it.”

  “I’d like to run back to the farm. I don’t even have my cell phone.”

  “You came in the ambulance with her?” Jo nodded. “Take my van.” She reached for her purse.

  “”No, I’m gonna take a cab so I can get my truck.”

  Kathleen dangled the keys. “You sure?”

  Jo nodded again, patting at her pockets. “Shoot.” She frowned. “I guess I will. I don’t have my wallet or any money.”

  Kathleen held out the keys. “Don’t mind the toys and the crumbs.”

  “I won’t be long. I’ll take a quick shower and change my clothes.” She looked at her stained jeans. “I’ll get back as soon as I can.”

  Kathleen dropped the keys into her hand. “Take your time, honey, and do what you need to do. I’m not going anywhere before morning.”

  She gave Kathleen her cell number. “I’ll have it in hand in half an hour. Call me if anything changes…please.” Kathleen gave a nod.

  Jo located the mini van in the lot and drove to the farm in a daze, reminding herself over and over about what the nurse had told Kathleen about things getting better every hour that Maria held on. Finally she reached the farm and grabbed her cell from the truck. Jo didn’t take a breath till she confirmed there had been no calls. She put on coffee and quickly showered. Dressed for comfort in a T-shirt and jeans, she pulled on a decent pair of boots and checked on the dogs before filling a travel mug with strong black coffee. This was going to be the longest night of her life.

  Entering the room in near darkness, she found Kathleen reclined in the chair, apparently sleeping. She quietly moved the only other chair around the bed where she could see Maria’s face in the dim glow of light filtering in from the hall. She sat back, silently sipping the coffee until the wee hours of the morning.

  “Jo.” Kathleen patted her leg and stirred her.

  Jo cringed from the pain in her neck as she lifted her head.

  “Get in that recliner and sleep. I’m going to run home so I can get the boys up and fed for Tim and then I’ll be back.”

  “Wait.” Jo stiffly crawled out of the chair and followed into the hall where she got Kathleen’s number to put in her phone.

  “I’ll call if anything changes.”

  Kathleen touched her hand to Jo’s cheek. “I know you will, honey. Get some rest, I’ll be back.”

  Jo couldn’t lie back in the chair and sleep so she held Maria’s still hand, eventually lying her head down on her arm where it rested on the bed. Some time later she felt sure Maria’s hand twitched in hers and it startled her awake like a clap of thunder. She jerked her head up and studied Maria’s hand in hers. When it twitched again, she gave it a light squeeze. “Maria,” she sad softly. She was positive Maria’s hand squeezed ever so lightly in response. Her heart flip-flopped. She raised their joined hands and rested them on her thigh as she sat on the bed.

  “I’m right here, Maria, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  Jo waited impatiently, but there wasn’t any further movement. After several more minutes she pressed the call button. The nurse appeared quickly and checked all the monitors.

  “What’s wrong, dear?” She moved around Jo to check the IV drip.

  “She moved her hand. I was holding her hand and it moved, twice. And when I spoke to her I felt her squeeze my hand.” Jo tried to remain calm, but her voice sounded rushed with excitement.

  “Did she open her eyes or speak?”

  “No.” Jo felt like a balloon losing air.

  The nurse slipped on the blood pressure cuff. “That’s not unusual. Even in the deepest comas it’s possible for the body to have involuntary movements.” Her explanation further deflated Jo’s optimism. She ripped off the cuff. “Her pressure is remaining steady now at a good level, but her body has suffered a major trauma.” She patted Jo’s shoulder. “Don’t count her out. I understand she gave birth to a fierce fighter. Those genes had to come from somewhere.”

  She left Jo again amidst the whirls and beeps of the machines. It was four thirty and try as she might to stay awake, her head eventually found its way to a restful position on the side of the bed. Her mind floated in a dream. She and Maria were at the farm at their picture-perfect picnic spot out in the pasture and Maria was stroking Jo’s hair as her head rested in Maria’s lap. It was by far the most vivid dream she’d ever had about Maria. Then realization dawned on her that it wasn’t a dream. Her head popped up and she opened her eyes to see tiny slivers of Maria’s dark eyes. She sat for a moment stunned until Maria’s struggle to swallow and open her mouth were apparent.

  When Maria stretched her hand toward Jo, the floodgates holding her tears opened.

  “Oh God,” she exhaled in a whimper. “I was terrified I was never gonna get a chance to make you laugh again.” Maria tried to speak. “Shh…Maria, relax. Let me get a nurse.” She fumbled for the call button.

  A moment or two later the same nurse reappeared. “Well, well,” she gave Jo a grin. “What did I tell you? A real fighter like the little one.” She whipped out the blood pressure cuff again.

  “My—” Maria strained to speak.

  “Easy, dear.” She lifted Maria’s arm. “Let me get your pressure real quick.” She picked up the plastic pitcher from the small bedside table and pushed it toward Jo. “Could you ask for some ice chips at the nurse’s station, please?” Jo started to protest. “I need a few minutes to check her dressing and sutures, and she needs something to wet her mouth, so you’ll be doing us both a favor.”

  Jo started to leave, but stopped when Maria hoarsely said her name. Jo smiled for what felt like the first time in ages. “I won’t be long. I promise I’ll be right back.”

  Maria’s glassy eyes held hers a little too long and the nurse waved her off. “Go on now so I can do my job.”

  She dropped the pitcher at the nurse’s station and practically ran out to the parking lot. Dropping onto the bench inside the covered bus stop, she dialed Kathleen’s number.

  “I’ll be back as soon as I can get everyone up and fed.”

  “Take whatever time you need to take care of the family. I’m not going anywhere. How’s Matt?”

  “He’s doing just fine with his cousins.”

  She closed the phone. It was barely six o’clock. Tucker’s update could wait a little bit longer. She closed her eyes. “I miss you so much, Pops. Thank you.” She steeled herself against more tears and rushed back inside.

  She picked up the pitcher, returned to the room, but waited in the doorway until summoned by the nurse.

  “Give her the chips to moisten her dry mout
h and throat. She can talk, but she really needs to rest.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Buzz if she needs anything.” And so quietly Jo almost didn’t hear her, she said, “I’m going to see what I can find out about her baby.”

  Jo stood beside the bed. “Can I sit?” Maria gave her a nod and Jo perched on the bed.

  After several bites of the ice, she said in a raspy voice, “My baby’s…gone.” Tears formed instantly in her eyes.

  Jo blinked back her own tears. “She’s upstairs in the neonatal intensive care unit. They’re taking excellent care of her.”

  “But she’s—”

  “She’s the tiniest thing I think I’ve ever seen, but just like her mother, a real fighter.” More tears spilled down Maria’s cheeks. “Hey, hey, no crying. It’s a joyous day. You’re here and you’ve got a beautiful baby girl.”

  “But—”

  Jo slipped her hand in Maria’s. “No buts about it. I saw for myself. She’s as beautiful as her mother, I swear.” Jo smiled when Maria squeezed her hand.

  “Matt?”

  “He’s fine at Kathleen’s. You know, that’s one smart boy you’ve got. He rode Daisy Mae all the way back to the barn for help.”

  “Daisy’s the smart one.”

  Jo couldn’t keep from smiling at the glorious eyes looking back at her. “Let’s agree they make a good team.”

  Maria gave a slight nod before her eyes drifted closed. Jo stood and tried to withdraw her hand, but Maria held on. She pulled the chair back over, got comfortable and closed her own eyes.

  A deep male voice woke her sometime later. “Can I ask you to step out of the room while I examine Mrs. West?” Jo recognized the doctor from last night. It was after nine o’clock.

  She was leaning against the wall out in the hall when a woman dressed in a business suit approached with a folder in her hand.

  “Are you the West family?” The woman looked at the closed door.

  Feeling protective, Jo moved between the woman and the door. “No,” she answered. “Something I can help you with, though?”

  She looked Jo up and down. “No. I have a question about insurance coverage that I need to discuss with Mrs. West.”

  Jo crossed her arms over her chest, remaining steadfast in front of the door. “I don’t want Ms. West bothered right now,” she emphasized the Ms. “So how about you discuss it with me.”

  The woman narrowed her eyes. “And exactly who are you?”

  Jo cocked her head. “The person that’s going to keep you from bothering Ms. West with insurance nonsense. Let’s call me her bodyguard. So, you want to discuss this with me now or later? ’Cause you aren’t going to bother Ms. West with it as long as I’m around, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Fine,” she huffed.

  As the woman explained the dilemma, Jo got angrier by the second. Like a rodeo bull wanted to trample its rider, Jo wanted to step on Maria’s soon-to-be ex. Instead, she poured on the charm. The woman left with a smile, satisfied the hospital would receive payment for services one way or another. A moment later the doctor came out, but he stopped Jo before she could enter.

  “You might want to give them a few minutes. The nurse is helping Mrs. West to the bathroom.”

  Jo was still waiting and deep in thought about how to best help care for Maria after the hospital when Kathleen surprised her.

  “Jo, is there something wrong?”

  “No, they need a few minutes of privacy.”

  Kathleen leaned against the wall beside her and Jo couldn’t hold her tongue. “You know that brother of yours is a real piece of work.”

  Kathleen met Jo’s gaze. “I’m afraid to ask. What’s he done now?’

  “He dropped Maria from his insurance coverage and only has it for his children, even though the divorce isn’t final yet.” Kathleen sighed heavily. “Don’t worry, though, Maria and her kids will never want for a thing as long as I’m alive.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  By evening they had moved Maria from the ICU. After she had settled into the new room, Jo put her in a wheelchair and took her to the NICU. They donned masks, gowns and booties, then Jo helped Maria stand so she could get her first look at her baby girl. The tears began silently, but quickly evolved into hushed sobs. Jo put an arm around her in comfort.

  “Shh…don’t upset yourself, you’ll be sick. She’s gonna be fine. I feel it in my gut.” She held Maria close to her side. “Matter of fact, I predict she’s gonna grow up strong enough to be a cowgirl if she wants.”

  Maria placed her hand against the plastic enclosure and dropped her head against Jo’s chest. “Promise me, Jo.”

  Jo’s voice trembled. “I promise I’ll do everything I can to make sure this little girl gets to go home with you.”

  Maria wanted to see Matt, but she was afraid bringing him into the hospital would be too traumatic. Instead, she had Kathleen help him with the phone so she could render words of endearment to him. After having sat with her newborn for a while the following day, Maria announced to Jo she’d picked her name.

  “Camilla Jo,” she said. “Camilla is my grandmother’s name. And if she grows into a strong woman as you’ve predicted and thinks it’s too girly and wants a tomboy name, she can go by ‘Jo.’ Right, Jo Lynn?” Jo smiled proudly.

  Maria only had to stay four more days until they were certain there was no threat of infections but was torn between finally seeing Matt and leaving her littlest one behind. The NICU nurses assured her they would care for little Camilla as if she were their own, and Maria could come and go as she pleased. Jo didn’t allow Maria any say about the bag she’d packed so she could sleep on Maria’s couch. Things were running smoothly at the farm under Tucker’s command and Jo had been informed she still had at least a few more weeks to go in the cast. Maria finally managed to Skype with her parents so that they could see for themselves that she was all right, and they got their first look at their new granddaughter.

  They quickly found a routine. Jo would drive them to Matt’s school, drop Maria at the hospital and return for her truck to drive out to the farm. In the afternoon, the routine reversed, and Jo found herself sitting down with them to a home-cooked meal—like a real family. On the weekends, they got creative, but typically at some point during Saturday, Kathleen or Tim would deliver Matt to the farm. He and Daisy Mae would take a ride around the pasture and then he’d spend hours with Rosie and Jake. For Matt’s benefit, they tried to keep life as normal as possible. Jo promised her mother they would return to their Sunday dinners as soon as Maria had her newborn settled at home.

  Jo got to be a master at living out of a duffle bag, chauffeuring Maria and Matt and consulting with Tucker regarding farm operations. For the first time since college she again felt part of a family. A close-knit, loving family. She didn’t ever want the feeling to end.

  At the four-week mark, the doctors declared Camilla the strongest and fastest growing preemie they’d ever seen. Barring any unexpected results from a battery of tests they were performing, she could be released in another week or two. That evening at dinner, Jo asked the question she’d been sitting on for weeks.

  “How are you planning to handle Cami and working?” She had nicknamed the baby Cami from “camouflage,” for her ability to hide her strength. She watched frustration cloud Maria’s eyes.

  “I don’t know.” She sat her fork down and pushed her plate away. “I had originally been planning to take some time off. Jack’s income was always more than enough to run the household, but now…” She stared off.

  Nervous, Jo stood and began clearing the table. “I was thinking maybe you and the kids should come and stay at the farm with me.” Jo cut off Maria’s protest with a raised hand. “Wait, please hear me out before you let pride and stubbornness sway you.”

  “You know what they say about living in glass houses.” Maria narrowed her eyes at Jo.

  “At least I’ll admit to being stubborn. So anyway, there’s more t
han enough room in that big house for all of us. It doesn’t have to be forever, only until you’re ready, but you can rent this house I’m sure for more than enough to pay the mortgage. I’d feel more comfortable if you weren’t living alone and trying to manage everything, and I think Kathleen would too, even if she’s only fifteen minutes away.”

  Jo threw the dishtowel over her shoulder and shoved her hands in her pockets. “Please think about it. You can put the real estate thing on hold or work part-time if you want and, well, I’d be there to help take care of the kids.” She shrugged. “I know, I’m not parent-of-the-year material, but I can raise a colt from birth to be a champion. How much difference could there be?”

  She gave Maria a big grin, which made a smile grace her beautiful face. God, I’ve missed that “almost ready to laugh” kind of smile. She quickly added, “They eat, they sleep, they poop and you clean it up. Sounds the same to me.” Finally, she managed to get a little laugh from Maria. “Just think about it.”

  Maria stood. “I will.” She placed a hand on Jo’s arm and leaned in to kiss her cheek. “Thank you.” She moved around the table to get Matt up. “For everything.”

  Jo felt the warmth from her heart creeping into her cheeks and ducked hurriedly into the kitchen.

  She was having a beer out on the back patio when Maria joined her. Pulling the bottle from her lips, she offered, “Drink?”

  Maria sighed. “I’d like nothing more, believe me, but I’ve been nursing Camilla every day when I visit her and pumping as much breast milk as I can for them to feed her so when we bring her home we’ll hopefully spend more time up close, if you know what I mean.”

  She prayed Maria wasn’t going to go into details about breastfeeding and all its benefits. Maria pulled her feet under her and faced Jo.

  “I talked your proposal over with Matt.”