Miss Lionheart and the Laboratory of Death: Part 1: Once Bitten (Lilly Lionheart)

by A. J. Ponder

  A pity the switch was on the other side. That made getting across seem really difficult, if not impossible. She couldn’t just shoot it. Breaking it wouldn’t necessarily turn off the electricity. And there was no way to know if the switch was actually a ruse, or a booby trap – the electrified system might be attached to a timer, or a remote control.

  She frowned. It was a diabolically clever little system.

  “I told you to get out of here.” The guard’s hands tightened around his gun.

  “Um, I think I must have got turned around. All these corridors look alike.”

  The guard smiled, but didn’t move a muscle. “Well, you don’t want to go that way, Miss. Because, besides the electric shock that’ll fry you, I’d also have to shoot you. And I’d hate to do that. You are a girl after all.”

  “A girl? You know, I—” Lilly started. For once she thought better of saying she hadn’t noticed. Instead she tried to think of something a little less confrontational, and therefore less likely to get her shot. Before she could, alarms sounded. (And not just the ones in her head that said – time to go, this is a death trap.)

  The guard encouraged Lilly to move on with a wave from the butt of his gun, but she was already moving, hands over her ears until she was just out of sight of the gun and could see what would happen next.

  It was hard to think with the ringing noise slicing through her skull.

  Half a dozen camera eyes swam down the corridor.

  She scampered back, until she reached Mr Big’s meeting room, but the eyes didn’t follow her. Instead, they rose until they reached the speakers near the ceiling, and spun round and round, jostling each other for space, as if they couldn’t get enough of the terrible sound of wailing sirens.

  A heartbeat later the sound was cut and the camera eyes spread out in different directions. One headed for her, the other five toward the concrete wall, where the spitting noise was growing. Or was she just getting her hearing back?

  Yes, definitely growing.

  Lilly let out a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding, and peered up and down the junction as if wondering how to get back to the lab. In truth she was listening carefully as Pinhead, Veins, Basher, and Deva, the woman who had escorted Dr Deathless from their lab, emerged from the guard room.

  “Crossing that floor is such a nightmare,” Pinhead muttered loudly. “I’m always worried the boss is gunna flick the switch on again, just for fun.”

  “Don’t even think about it,” Deva growled.

  Lilly stared at them all, like a hedgehog in headlights, as they walked toward her four abreast. Deva’s dragon tattoos rippled as the woman casually slapped Pinhead on the back, laughing loudly. “Lab-rat” she muttered as she shoved past.

  Lilly tried to tell herself it was good that they were just walking past. Better than the alternative. Only she hated feeling so small.

  “Coulda done with backup, this time,” Basher grumbled. “They was tougher than I thought.”

  “Tell your boys to cheer up,” Deva told Pinhead. “We’re still alive. I think it’s time to celebrate our good luck!”

  “Sounds good to me,” Pinhead said. “I’ll shout since I killed five spies bare-handed.”

  “You might have killed five spies, but I caught the two important ones,” Deva said.

  Lilly angrily dusted herself off, trying her best to focus on what was important. Escaping. And definitely not thinking about all the things she’d like to yell at their retreating backs, as they argued about who had had the most successful mission.

  To escape, she needed to get past all the guards, cross an electrified floor (or turn it off on the other side), and last but not least, escape through the maze. A maze she had only walked through once, blindfolded.

  Of course she could do it – but only if she could find all the secret doorways. There must be an easier way.

  Slowly mulling it over, she wandered around, pretending to be trying to find her bearings, but in fact looking for a room near Mr Big’s. Someone as paranoid as a big crime boss would have built private escape hatches out of GKS, just in case he was ever trapped in his own facility. It would make sense. Paranoia is the name of the game when everyone really is out to get you.

  It would also be the best way to get to the annoyingly-placed switch.

  She tapped the walls unsuccessfully for a while before Pinhead walked up to her. “The lab is that way,” he said, his head almost purple with barely suppressed rage. “Turn back. Go past your room, and its three doors down from there. Understand? I’m on a break and I shouldn’t have to look after the likes of you.”

  “Thank you,” Lilly said, breathlessly batting her eyelashes and putting on her, I’m so terribly confused face. Partly because it gave her a moment to get a really good idea of her surroundings, but mostly because in her experience, acting dumb was a sure-fire way to get away with things. And people like Pinhead always expected so little.

  Not that he noticed, he was fumbling with a tablet.

  “Along this wall?” Lilly asked thinking she’d seen a seam in the wall that might denote a secret door. She gave the wall a quick knock. But, no, it sounded like all the other internal walls. Nothing special.

  “Go on,” Pinhead said. “Hurry up, and stop this nonsense. And get back to work, before Mr Big loses his patience properly.”

  “Sorry.” Lilly flashed him a smile. “This way?” He nodded and she walked back to the lab, making a big show of counting the doors on the way, until she was sure he was out of sight.

  In the end, she had two choices. Dead now or dead later. Sooner or later she would have to make a decision, but until then, there was nothing more comforting than a little uncertainty.

  •7•

  Snakes, Rats and Spider Venom

  A SMILE SNUCK ONTO LILLY’S face as she pushed through the lab doors.

  “Squidge!” she said, surprised to see him already busy taking blood from a fat white constrictor with yellow spots down its sides. It curled around his hands as if trying to squeeze them to death.

  “Isn’t Esmeralda handsome, Miss Lionheart?”

  “What?” Lilly said, and then she noticed the name “Esmeralda” stamped on the cage’s brass nameplate. “Oh, the pregnant snake I rescued yesterday. Awesome. So what other snake are we using for our snake-hybrid?”

  Squidge looked at her quizzically. “Another snake, Miss Lionheart? But we only need one.”

  “Huh?” Lilly said. “Don’t we need two snakes for a snake-hybrid? Maybe a nice venomous one.”

  Squidge stared back at Lilly. “Yes, we do need venom. It wouldn’t be a snake-hybrid otherwise. At least not a good one. But I’m planning to use spider venom genes, because I always get bitten when I milk the snakes – and now I’m a tiny bit allergic.”

  “What?” Lilly said, confused.

  “Most likely I’ll die if I get bit by a snake again.”

  “No not that. Did you really just say we’re just going to grab the venom genes from a spider, like a black widow? And somehow we’re supposed to put them into a venom-less snake? Yeah, that’ll be a piece of cake.”

  “Good idea, Miss Lionheart. Black widow toxin is the perfect choice of venom. And we have plenty of antivenin if we need it.”

  “Good?” Lilly echoed. Really? Squidge was taking her suggestion seriously? “I did say black widow, didn’t I?”

  “Yes.”

  “I mean, you know, we could cure your allergy – it would be easier.”

  The boy didn’t reply. As if he hadn’t heard a word she’d said, he raced over to the menagerie and paced up and down the cages, loudly discussing the advantages of several creatures; a grumpy Komodo dragon, a fox, and a particularly garish pink and yellow pony, before finally pulling the biggest, most distempered lab-rat out of the rat cage.

  Lilly shook her head. “A rat!? You’ve got to be joking! Why don’t you just choose a squirrel? That’s warm blooded too.”

  Squidge stood with the rat sw
inging by its tail. “Very clever, Miss Lionheart. Squirrels are bigger than rats. And they are much more active.”

  “Yeah,” Lilly said. The horrible truth finally sinking in. When Squidge had agreed to a simple snake-hybrid, he hadn’t meant combining the genes of two snakes at all.

  “Wonderful.” Lilly shook her head in disbelief. “Just what we need. A really active poisonous critter running about the lab.”

  Squidge, cheerfully immune to Lilly’s sarcasm, nodded.

  Then, as if to prove her point, the rat twisted around, climbed up its own tail – and bit Squidge.

  “Ow!” he shrieked, shaking the rat from his hand. “That’s the third time this month.”

  The rat, having dropped back into its cage, scrambled over all the other rats and stood up on its hind legs like a prize-fighter desperate to go one more round.

  “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Lilly asked.

  “Yes,” Squidge said. “I am helping you make a squirrel-snake hybrid with black widow venom. Nothing too difficult or dangerous, so we won’t make any mistakes with the dreadbeast. Wait a minute—”

  She watched him log onto his laptop – automatically noting his password, “ATCGMagshn” as he typed it.

  “I’ve already modelled the expected phenotype2,” he said. He pressed one of the many Photoshop icons and turned the screen toward her to display a 3D model of a rather ugly snake-headed creature with patchy fur.

  “And don’t forget the rat, and the spider-venom,” Lilly said.

  “Nothing to it.” Squidge didn’t pause, not even with this level of sarcasm. Instead he rapidly began to type in a whole raft of adjustments. “We’re only taking a few venom genes from the spider anyway. That hardly counts.”

  “A squirrel-rat-snake with spider-venom hybrid,” Lilly said over the rattle of the keyboard. “That won’t be difficult or dangerous at all.”

  “No, Miss Lionheart.” Squidge beamed at her happily. “It will be fun.”

  “What—?” Lilly stopped mid protest. How had she managed to miss something so important? Squidge had a laptop in his hands. “Um, wait a minute, do you have email?” she asked hopefully.

  “Do you want to send a message to Mr Big?”

  “No. I meant external emails?”

  Squidge shook his head. “Nobody has that.”

  “Sharefile? Bookface? LinkAlot? Any internet connection at all?” she asked hopefully.

  He shook his head.

  “Oh. You think maybe we could make a router and—”

  “It will not work, Miss Lionheart. There is no outside network here.”

  “But we could boost the signal—”

  “It is difficult. The Boss is running a jamming signal, and a secure encrypted network within a well-insulated concrete bunker. Besides, even if we did get a message out, what are you going to say? Hey I am a super-bright genius trapped in an evil villain’s super-bunker. Come and rescue me.”

  “It might work,” Lilly said defensively. “And besides, who said I wanted to be rescued?”

  “One, everyone who comes here complains theywant to be rescued. Two, I do not want to get caught breaking in again—”

  Breaking in again?

  “And three, I like it here. It is not so bad once you get used to it. So please, stop trying to get Mr Big angry, and get on with our work. You do not know how grumpy the boss gets when we do not make the creature he wants on time. People die. Besides, I want to make cool animals like the dreadbeast. Maybe if we make it in time for his spring collection I might be able to choose the next project.

  “Wait, just a minute.” Lilly finally realised that in all this talk of creating impossible creatures, she’d forgotten to follow up on something really important. “You said you didn’t want to be caught breaking in again. You mean, you’ve escaped? How?”

  “No,” Squidge said. “Well yes, I did escape. But no, I will not tell you how, and no, I am never doing it again. And neither are you if I can help it.”

  “But … ” Lilly wheedled.

  “Never,” Squidge replied, and refused to talk to her for the rest of the day.

  Lilly tried not to spend the day banging her head on the nearest lab bench. Squidge was sweet and bright, but he was no-marbles-left-crazy if he thought anyone could make that dreadbeast. Worse, the idea that two kids could make it, with only a little help from two assistants who’d never even seen a lab before – well, that made her suspect the boy hadn’t just lost his marbles, he’d dropped them into a nuclear warhead, and fused them permanently.

  §

  INTERNAL EMAILS: DEC 6

  To: MrBig@MrBig.net.www.e

  From: Security@MrBig.net.www.e

  Subject: LL

  I pinpointed the note courier. 34txy. We holding him? Or closing him down? Also she lurks round places she shouldn’t really be, and taps on walls. Perhaps, like it says in her diary, all she is trying to do is escape, but I don’t like it.

  3sftm

  §

  To: Security@MrBig.net.www.e

  From: MrBig@MrBig.net.www.e

  Subject: 34txy

  Why don’t you leave that 34txy to me. As for taping on walls, she can do that as much as she wants, its not like she’s going to find an exit that easily.

  Mr Big, your evil Boss and Overlord

  •8•

  Don’t Panic

  SHEETS BUNCHED UP UNDER her, Lilly woke in a cold sweat. She lay there, not wanting to move, as she remembered the terrible dream. She’d been stuck in an underground bunker with crazy people wanted her to make impossible creatures. And in a hopeless effort to escape she’d been reduced to searching down corridors and knocking on walls, to try and find trap doors.

  She tugged at her clothes. She was fully dressed, and wearing the exact same clothes as in the dream.

  “Rabid Rodents,” she cursed.

  It wasn’t a dream. Worse, she’d only meant to fall asleep for a moment, to make up for her early morning wandering, and now it was half way through the afternoon. 2 pm. Assuming the clock on her bedside was right.

  “There you are.” Missy burst in, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. “I let you sleep in, but don’t you think you should be in the lab by now?”

  Lilly opened her mouth, but couldn’t think of anything to say. She grabbed an aspirin from her purse. Missy’s chirpiness was making her head hurt.

  “What’s the matter?” You sick?”

  Now that was a tricky question. Lilly felt her forehead. No temperature. So beside her nightmares, and the actual living daymares of dangerous thugs and GKS laboratory corridors – and her desperate need to escape said thugs and corridors, and overly chirpy workmates, she was fine. She shook her head. “I’m fine.”

  “You sure?” Missy fussed. And kept on fussing, keeping up an upbeat babble until they reached the lab.

  “You’re late,” Squidge said, barely looking up from recalibrating pipettes as they walked in the door.

  “Thanks for stating the obvious,” Lilly said. “What are you going to do, give me detention or something? That would be nice.” True enough. Detention would feel like a holiday after this.

  He ignored her sarcasm, or didn’t notice it. “So what have you been up to?”

  “I slept in,” Lilly said.

  Missy coughed. “Didn’t come in till all hours last night.”

  Lilly glared at Missy. “I got a bit lost, is all.”

  “Wouldn’t bother.” Brian winked as if he was reading her mind. “We’re sealed in like sardines here. I know, I tried to escape two days ago.”

  Missy smiled. “Why would you want to escape?” she asked. “Don’t you like working with the animals?”

  “Yeah, I like the animals,” Lilly said.

  “They’re okay.” Brian shrugged.

  Missy’s frown deepened.

  “And I like you guys too, of course,” Lilly added quickly. “I just want to go shopping and see the sun, and maybe go to the beach. You know.�
�

  “The beach is nice,” Missy said dreamily, her smile returning. “I like the seagulls.”

  “So do I,” Lilly lied. All the birds in the world, and this girl chose seagulls? Smelly, repulsive, noisy things. “Come on, let’s get to work.”

  After three solid days of cleaning cages and tinkering with the new equipment, Lilly began to feel penned in. Not to mention horribly frumpy. The clothes she’d been given to wear looked like they’d been bought from the clearance pile of a discount store.

  In the lab, there was always too much work to do, and Squidge pontificating on whatever preposterous design development he’d set his sights on for the day. In the menagerie Brian was always trying to be helpful. Even in her room, there was no peace as Missy always seemed to be hovering nearby.

  Determined to have a little catch-up time to herself, Lilly arrived at the lab just after six the next morning. She almost ran into Squidge, pacing up and down between the benches and the sink.

  He turned as if to speak to her, then continued pacing.

  “What’s the matter, Squidge?” Lilly asked after the third circuit.

  “Miss Lionheart, this test hybrid is taking too long. Mr Big will not like it.”

  “Missy and Brian and I have been busy cleaning up the mess in the Menagerie, but I have managed to figure out how most of this equipment works.”

  “Is that all? Miss Lionheart, you know it is not our job to be cleaning cages. That is why we have Brian and Missy.”

  Lilly bit her tongue. If Squidge or Prof had respected the animals a bit more, Prof might not have died.

  Squidge handed her a hefty updated design spec, with a list of of the jobs yet to be completed. “We need all this done by tomorrow.”

  “Seriously?” Lilly said, flicking through the document.

  Squidge blinked owlishly.

  “By tomorrow? Um, are you sure that is possible?”

  His eyes blinked again, with raptor-ish intensity behind his glasses, and pushed his laptop into her hands. “Mr Big will kill—”

  “Fine.” Lilly said. “I’m onto it. I’m onto it. Don’t worry, it’ll be done.”