Miss Lionheart and the Laboratory of Death: Part 1: Once Bitten (Lilly Lionheart)

by A. J. Ponder

  “That is good. I really do not want to die.”

  Lilly rolled her eyes. “I said, okay. There’s no need to panic.”

  “Yes, Miss Lionheart,” Squidge said. “But I was not panicking.” Tomorrow, if it is not done … then we panic.” He started loading the centrifuge with samples.

  “Right.” Lilly scanned the list of impossible things she was supposed to accomplish in one day.

  One step at a time, she told herself, and anything is possible.

  It was a lie.

  And it was more of a lie when sometime after 10 am, Brian and Missy walked in the door. Late. She yelled at them. “Quick! I need you two on PCR.”

  Missy groaned.

  “You’d think we’d get the day off,” Brian said. “Isn’t this the weekend or something? What’s PCR anyway?”

  “I don’t care,” Missy said. “We’re supposed to be taking it easy”

  “New plan. Sorry,” Lilly said. “Squidge thinks it’s important that we hurry. He was being quite dramatic about it. So how about I show you how the equipment works. Won’t that be fun? You can get us some extra copies of useful DNA sequences.”

  Brian shrugged laconically. “I guess.”

  Lilly turned to Missy. “And you know, I did help you an awful lot with cleaning cages.”

  “Um. I’m no good with machines.” Missy giggled a fake laugh, and hovered a meter from the PCR machine – as if she was worried it might bite.

  Patience, Lilly told herself, taking care to explain everything slowly, and demonstrate the process from sample to result. “Looks easy,” Brian said.

  “So long as you’re careful,” Lilly warned. But to her surprise he took to the work like a duck to water.

  Missy though, could hardly be relied upon to hand the samples to Brian.

  “Oops,” Missy said, dropping a second tray of test-tubes to shatter on the ground. Casually, she checked her freshly manicured nails for signs of wear.

  Was the girl even trying?

  Exhausted by Missy’s indomitable incompetence, Lilly decided to let Brian finish Missy’s training. She couldn’t hold their hands forever, and it was time for her to move on to mocking up the final chromosome sequences. The job took extreme patience and care. One mistake with a regulating sequence, or even a folding error, and the critter would likely kill itself with its own toxin.

  Focus, she told herself, trying to ignore everything else.

  “Look at this!” Squidge yelled, clapping his hands to his head.

  Lilly jumped. “Squidge! I’m trying to do delicate work, here.”

  “But Miss Lionheart, this is terrible. The development of the venom sacs is all wrong! I am such an idiot.”

  “No, Squidge. What?” Lilly stopped as one of the floating cameras cruised into the room, blinking its shutter on and off, disconcertingly like a disembodied eye.

  She froze. This was bad. What if Mr Big got it into his head that someone in her team was incompetent? And even if he didn’t, how were they going to get all this work done today, even without distractions?

  Lilly took a deep breath, and stopped herself from telling Squidge to shut up. He probably just needed reassurance. She smiled. “I’m sure everything is fine.”

  He shoved the laptop at her face as the eye continued to whirr toward them. How much of what they’d said had been recorded?

  Too late to worry about that now. She needed to keep on doing her best to make everyone look good.

  Say something nice, she thought, scanning his calculations. Her eyes widened as she saw just how simple and elegant his work was. Pure brilliance. It made her forget that she was trying to do the impossible, it made her forget that her lab was carrying a worker that didn’t in point of fact work. Say something nice, she told herself again, but she couldn’t. If Squidge was as brilliant as this work indicated, then maybe the lab didn’t need her after all. Mr Big could have her killed and it would hardly slow down his programme at all.

  Aware of the camera floating nearer, she did the only thing she could. The only sensible thing. She sighed in aggravation to show just how stupid Squidge was to make such a basic mistake – whatever that mistake might have been, and reluctantly handed back his work. “Never mind, Squidge. You’re still making great progress.” It was a terrible understatement. His work on embryo development was a masterpiece – and it had only taken him two days! She just needed to tweak a few things here and there. After all, the creature he was planning to make was unbelievably ugly. But aside from that small point, she couldn’t see any actual errors.

  Squidge smiled ruefully as if he didn’t deserve even that small amount of praise, and settled back to work.

  Five minutes later – just as the camera eye was losing interest – he jumped off his lab stool, clapped his hands to his head, and proclaimed he was an idiot again. “Oh no, the venom-conducting tube is wrong too!”

  “Focus.” Lilly yelled, dropping her own work to look him in the eye.

  He glanced away.

  “Squidge, you won’t do this if you don’t focus. Besides, you haven’t even finalised the actual delivery method yet.”

  “What?”

  “A way for the creature to inject the venom into its prey.”

  “Yes. Adjusting the salivary glands and surrounding tissue was a little trickier than I had thought, but I am almost up to developmental folding of the teeth.”

  “You mean, for hollow teeth?” Missy asked. So she wasn’t as silly as she acted.

  Brian nodded. “Yep. So the venom can get through. Isn’t that right?”

  “Well done, you two,” Lilly beamed, genuinely happy until the camera floated right into the middle of the conversation. Was nothing around here private? “We’ll make scientists of you yet.” And if not, best not to let the blasted camera know.

  “Now Squidge, are you sure you’re up to this? You’ve been nonstop for ages.”

  “Easy peasy. Natural selection happened by accident – so how difficult can it be?”

  Lilly nodded, and then shook her head. What was the boy saying? Replicating natural selection, easy? He was crazy. Still, he was racing through what would have taken experienced university staff months to complete. Years even. His Prof might not have been the genius he’d proclaimed, but Squidge was almost as good at this as she was.

  No. Best face the harsh truth now, if only to herself. He was better than her. There was no way she could run through this project without him – let alone at breakneck speed. But maybe he couldn’t do it without her either.

  He kept on looking over to her, or more accurately just past her shoulder – but she had already given him his computer back again. So what could he possibly need?

  Oh. Right. Positive feedback. “Awesome, Squidge. It’s great work. And don’t worry about a couple of little mistakes. We have to expect some setbacks, even in a small project like this.” Small was a lie, but it seemed like the right thing to say. She struggled not to laugh at the irony – not only was this the biggest project she’d ever worked on, but somehow she’d landed a job that relied on her near non-existent people skills.

  By the afternoon, pain jagged down Lilly’s back and her eyes ached from staring at all the data. Even so, she had to admit things could have gone worse, Brian was learning the finer points of running samples, and even Missy had lost some of her nervousness around the equipment. She also had an amazing knack of being on hand when needed, and remembering important details – like which drawer equipment could be found in, and when the animals needed feeding.

  “I think it’s time to quit for the day,” Lilly said, no longer able to ignore her stomach protesting that it hadn’t had a proper meal.

  “You finished?” Squidge bounded across the lab to look at her work.

  “Miss Lionheart!” he exclaimed.

  Her empty stomach clenched in dread. What if he decided she wasn’t good enough? What would happen then?

  Squidge read the document without looking up. It seemed
forever before he started gushing. ”Gosh, it is brilliant work. Even better than Prof. Just wait.” He tinkered for another half hour with Lilly’s plans while Lilly, Brian and Missy all gazed nervously over his shoulder and he repeated, “just brilliant,” for about the seventh time, as he made what was indeed a brilliant modification to the prototype she’d developed.

  At last, to Lilly’s relief, he pushed himself away from the table. “All done.”

  “Good.” Lilly breathed a sigh of relief. “So long as you’re happy. I’m ravenous.”

  They rushed out of the lab and down the corridor.

  “Gosh, I’m literally starving,” Brian said, his stomach gurgling loudly.

  “Yeah, I’m so hungry, I could eat pudding,” Missy said. “And I never eat pudding. It’s bad for the figure.”

  “I’m so hungry, even rubbishy old potatoes and boiled cabbage is going to taste like pudding,” Lilly said. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so ravenous. Her mouth watered in anticipation, until she smelt something oddly metallic warring with the familiar boiled cabbage of the mess.

  There was a slobbering crunching sound.

  They reached the mess hall and stopped. One glance at the dog feeding on the two corpses askew on the floor and Lilly’s appetite fled.

  §

  INTERNAL EMAILS: DEC 8

  To: MrBig@MrBig.net.www.e

  From: Lab2Squidge@MrBig.net.www.e

  Subject: Miss L

  You asked me to tell you how Miss Lionheart was fitting in. She is indeed an asset to the lab, a real genius. Our trial project is going very well.

  Squidge

  §

  To: MrBig@MrBig.net.www.e

  From: Lab2Staff@MrBig.net.www.e

  Subject: Miss L

  I do not like this new lady, she is pompous and overbearing, and she gives us all the work.

  Missy

  §

  To: Flynn@MrBig.net.www.e

  From: Untraceable

  Subject: Urgent

  Send the note: “Tiger, tiger burning bright—”

  •9•

  Panic

  LILLY TRIED NOT TO look at the blood and brains spattered along the wall.

  Somewhere close by, a girl screamed. Not me, Lilly thought – slowly realizing her jaw had dropped open. Her hand rose to cover her mouth. Definitely not me.

  She looked about. It was Missy. A camera swam right up to the girl’s face, but Missy ignored it and continued to scream over the crunching and snapping of Annie feeding.

  “That’s enough,” Mr Big said emerging from the mess hall, a cigar clutched in pudgy fingers.

  Missy burst into tears and ran, shouldering past Pinhead, who was standing behind them surveying the scene.

  Mr Big didn’t seem to care that Missy had gone, his eyes were locked on Lilly. His accusing tone ricocheting through her like a bullet. “That’s what happens to spies, Miss Lionheart.”

  Too terrified to go forward, twice as terrified to move back, Lilly stood rooted to the spot, staring at the partially eviscerated bodies, the slavering dog, and Mr Big’s evil smile.

  She started to shake her head in denial when Squidge skirted past. He walked through the crowded mess hall, heading straight for the buffet and piling food onto his plate as if nothing unusual had happened. Brian looked at Mr Big’s raised eyebrow and back at her before judiciously following Squidge.

  Alone in the corridor, Lilly felt truly exposed. The two corpses seemed especially accusing. Who were they?

  “I’m not a spy,” she whispered, wondering if Mr Big knew she’d been trained as a spy since she could walk. Her teeth bit into the inside of her cheeks.

  What were her chances of surviving if she attacked him first?

  Almost none. Not with Pinhead behind her. She took a deep breath. And with an irony that she swore she could taste – no that was the blood from her cheek, she had bitten it so hard – Lilly decided now would be a good time to use the spy training. Whatever you do, don’t stop. Don’t stand out, and don’t let yourself get upset.

  I can do that, she lied to herself. After all, she was already upset. Carefully placing one foot in front of the other, Lilly walked past Mr Big, and joined Brian and Squidge at the buffet. She heaped food onto her plate, and followed the boys to their usual spot, almost crashing into Dr Deathless.

  “Oh look, it’s dead minion walking,” Deathless said, shouldering past her on the way to the whiteboard where he loudly started a betting pool of exactly how much longer she was expected to live. “I reckon she’ll live another thirty-five minutes. Max.” Lilly pushed food around her plate and tried not to listen as the hall erupted in bets ranging from minutes to days. They were so engrossed, nobody seemed to notice Annie dragging away the first mauled carcass by his leg. Not even Mr Big who kept stuffing food into his mouth, and watching the room intently. There had to be some way of keeping out from under his radar.

  After ten minutes, the dog came back for the second body. Annie growled as the torso caught on the doorframe, changed her grip to the other leg, and disappeared down the corridor – the last set of trailing hands leaving tracks of smeared blood in their wake.

  Two minions rushed over to clean up the blood and gore, eliciting nervous applause. Soon after, the conversation began to approach normal levels. She listened for a while, hoping to find friends in this unfriendly place. But what she heard was a terribly depressing litany of how wonderful Mr Big was, and how terrible spies were – and who is this new person that has the boss so jumpy anyway?

  Me? Lilly thought. I’m the person who has the boss jumpy? I’ve done nothing. I’ve hardly even had time to think about escaping, and he’s killed two people I don’t know to make a point? Why?

  Pinhead sidled over. Ignoring the glare Lilly sent his way, he sat down next to her. “Hmm. You don’t seem very hungry, girl.”

  Swallowing her anger, she didn’t bother trying for innocent. Stupid. Always try for stupid. That’s what her grade one espionage teacher had always said. The easily dazed and confused aren’t often taken for spies. And if they are, not good ones.

  Why hadn’t she listened more? Why hadn’t she been thinking more like a spy.

  “I’m sorry?” Lilly shoved her plate closer to Pinhead. She wasn’t going to eat anything on it.

  “You’re going to be hungry later,” he said sagely, and began cramming potatoes into his mouth.

  Lilly smiled tightly. “I don’t suppose there’s anything less fatty around? We’ve had nothing but stodge for three days, and you know, a girl has to watch her weight.”

  Pinhead laughed. A deep throaty chuckle that sprayed chunks of potato everywhere. “The only weight I’d be watching is that pretty head that’s currently attached to your shoulders. You’re near as damn anorexic anyway.”

  Lilly flinched.

  He grinned. “Girl, when I find out that you’re the trouble I think you are, you’ll wish you’d never been born.”

  “Too late,” Lilly said. “Been there, done that. Already terribly disappointed. But you know what they say about wishes. Excuse me. It’s been a somewhat tiring day.” She looked hopefully toward the door. Big Mistake. From the head of his table, Dr Deathless caught her eye. “I heard the boss has a contract out on your parents. They should be dead any day now.” A half grin played annoyingly across Dr Deathless’ lips. His crew clinked their glasses and smirked right at her.

  “You’re lying,” she said automatically. Deliberately not looking at Pinhead.

  “Of course he is lying,” Brian said into a growing quiet. “Mr Big would never—”

  “And Mr Big tells you all his plans, I suppose?” Dr Deathless countered.

  “No,” Lilly said, keeping a tight rein on her emotions. “But … you’re lying. You’re just trying to upset me.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, everyone knows … ”

  “Not everyone,” Lilly said. She knew she should be trying not to sound angry or upset in front of this crowd, but from the
gleeful look on Pinhead’s face she was managing both perfectly.

  Pinhead got up and glowered at Dr Deathless, who smiled back guilelessly.

  Mr Big finally spoke, to a sudden absolute silence. “Deathless, that mouth of yours will go too far one day. Anyway, you’re wrong about that contract. Miss Lilliana needn’t worry about her parents. She should know that so long as she does her work, they will be perfectly safe. As will the rest of her family.”

  Dr Deathless sat down, grumbling loudly.

  Missy, recomposed after her earlier fright, walked through the door, into the middle of the charged atmosphere. The room seemed to rearrange itself around her. Faces smoothed, chairs faced their tables primly, and suddenly everything was back to normal. Or at least what passes for normal in an evil mastermind’s bunker.

  “You alright?” Missy asked Lilly. “You look a bit pale.”

  She nodded dumbly and bit her aching cheek again. “Deathless was just trying to upset me.”

  “You’ll be alright,” Missy repeated. “Just ignore him, he’s crazy. It’s this place, I guess. Had a funny turn myself just before. Don’t know what came over me. A waking nightmare, or something. Strange. Never mind, you forget about Deathless, you hear?”

  “Yeah.” Lilly shrugged.

  “Lilly?” Missy said, concern shining through her voice.

  “I-I have to go,” Lilly replied pushing her chair back and running from the room. Bad enough the deaths and the bullying, but human kindliness was more than she could take. She was so upset, she ran into the group of cleaning minions coming back from their grisly chore, and knocked a bucket of half-chewed human bones all over the floor. “Watch out, geek, or you’ll be next,” they sneered.

  Lilly fled. As soon as she was safely alone in her room, she started to change for bed, meaning to put an end to the day once and for all.

  Something rustled in her pocket.

  No, she thought. Can’t be. But it was definitely papery. As Missy wasn’t around she pulled out the note and read it.

  The script was almost illegible, like someone had written it in a cramped place in the dark. Even so, she recognised the line. Tiger, tiger burning bright. It was the first line from an old poem. A clue someone dangerous was watching her? If so, it was hardly necessary. Mr Big had already intimated as much. Maybe it meant she wasn’t being careful enough around the eye cameras. But she hadn’t realised she was doing anything particularly suspicious. Until now. Now she would have to keep a special eye out for them. Even so, they couldn’t be all-seeing. Someone was taking more risks than her, simply by passing her these notes.