Rock My Heart

by Selene Chardou

  Kaz and I fell into a familiar routine where we would spend time together on his day’s off with our son and I would make dinner. I’d learned to become a fantastic cook with Talia’s help and a little aid from the French chef we employed.

  On nights he worked, my days were still busy, either spent with Jerrica and her boys or arranging yet another event for my charity which I’d named after our son, the Kasper Landvik-Gillian Red Foundation. Although my primary reason for opening the charity had been to help eradicate and find a cure for HIV and AIDS, I also heavily supported breast, ovarian and uterine cancer research along with substantial donations to Planned Parenthood.

  Before I knew it, we were less than four days away from Christmas when I received a surprising phone call from Talia. Though we no longer lived in the same neighborhood, she was still my very best friend. I still loved Laurel with all my heart but like me, the tour had grown her up as well. She was now the official band photographer and because of her job, she kept similar hours as the band. We still made it a habit of getting together for lunch at least three times a week—Sasha and Jerrica included—to catch up on gossip.

  However, I could truly say that no one knew me and understood me like Talia and it was the same when it came to me about her. Every secret she’d shared with her other best friend, Jerrica, she’d shared with me. I knew about the abortion she had to endure in college and why she viewed Kaelan as a gift from God. I also knew about her relationship with Seth, from its sweet, heart-felt beginnings to the bitter conclusion.

  Jaden was still an open wound for her and because I still knew she loved him very much, I made it a habit to avoid talking about him at all costs. I hated what he was doing to her and his son and I had absolutely no love loss for Faith. She’d become enemy number one in my book and I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to forgive her for what she’d done.

  Despite my love for Kaz and the wonderful time we spent together as a family, I was ecstatic when I spoke on the phone to Talia and she agreed to spend the holidays with us. Though she had family back east, she had no plans to fly there and her cousin, Trista, was spending the holidays with her husband after a rather tragic year for the two of them.

  Talia was reluctant to go into what had happened between Trista and Linx and but she did make it clear it had nothing to do with the solidity of their relationship and all their issues had been external, not internal.

  We stood in the kitchen together as we made a batch a gingerbread and cinnamon short bread cookies. Both of us had mugs of mulled wine and Kaz had a concert that night—his last before the huge New Year’s Eve bash Vogue Hotel and Casino was hosting.

  Not only would Scarlet Fever perform but Winter’s Regret, Chyna Bleu, Damian Phillips, a white neo-soul superstar who seemed to channel Robin Thicke and Justin Timberlake with the vast popularity and pretty boy looks of Justin Bieber if he was blond and in his late twenties. There was also talk of the new Talented Voices winner, Gemma Hughes, performing as well so it was definitely one of the New Year’s Eve parties that had sold out months in advance and guaranteed mega-wattage among the guests as well as the listed performing acts.

  “Can you believe how fast this year has gone by?” Talia questioned as I removed the first set of cookies and prepared the next batch. The following day was Christmas Eve and I planned to make a Red Velvet cake though Jacques, our chef, was trying to talk me out of it because he wanted to make it.

  “Yeah, I know but I can’t say I’m sad to see it go.” We settled in the sitting room on the comfortable L-shaped chocolate brown plush sofa with a view of the backyard in Summerlin.

  Our home was only three thousand square feet but we still had a gorgeous backyard, a pool, spa and professional desert landscaping replete with a professional barbeque grill installed outside.

  Talia sipped from her mulled wine. “Well, you won’t hear any arguments from me there. I mean, I had a phenomenal year professionally and I have been blessed far beyond my wildest dreams but…my personal life well and truly sucks.”

  “Have you given it a thought about maybe giving Seth another chance?” I swigged from my mulled wine, if only to prevent anything else ridiculously stupid from leaving my mouth.

  “That can’t happen.” Talia shrugged apathetic shoulders. “Apparently he’s going out with that chick who just won Talented Voices but I don’t see that lasting very long with her being a Hughes and all.”

  I paused mid-sip and looked at my best friend. “Wait a minute…I thought Keren only had one sister and she was a lawyer and ginger-haired like Keren herself? Gemma is only twenty years old, blonde and blue-eyed. Are you telling me Jonesy is like Dizzy with illegitimate children all over the place?”

  “Nah, Jonesy isn’t like that. He’s actually in love with his wife and the only children they’ve had have all been legitimate. Gemma is his niece though he practically raised her. Her mother is Jonesy’s sister and she still lives in Wales. Gemma started giving her problems around the age of seven or eight and she would be sent to stay with her uncle Jonesy for the summers. She did this on and off until she finished secondary school in the UK and moved to Birch Tree when she was eighteen. Trista knows her pretty well since they saw each other at the club on a fairly regular basis. She told me Gemma is extremely wise for her age but that doesn’t exactly give me any solace now that she is boning my ex-boyfriend—”

  “Yes, but a boyfriend who you dumped shortly after he got out of rehab and one you are not interested in any longer. Truly, what difference does it make whether they are going out? It’s none of our business.” I sipped from my warm beverage, which was starting to have its affect.

  I loved the holiday season because it was a good excuse for having a drink in the afternoons without feeling like a lush.

  “Not necessarily or did you forget I have to work with my ex on a daily basis? He’s still pissed at me for taking the spotlight away from him and he’s extremely upset my versions of the first two Winter’s Regret albums sold three times as much as his versions. It makes no difference Introspect pulled the versions so they are now collector’s items and highly coveted. One guy sold his copy on eBay for ten thousand dollars last week because it was autographed by the band.” Talia set her mug down on the coffee table and the coaster provided before she ran her fingers through her dark brown hair laced with deep red streaks.

  “Well, that’s not your fault. It’s not like you made him OD on tour and cost him his job—he did that to himself.”

  “Yeah, he did…but I didn’t exactly make it easy on him, flaunting my affair with Jaden in his face either. Maybe what I am going through is just desserts. I treated someone like dirt and used them until they were no longer any good for me and now I am just getting back what I put out.”

  “I don’t believe that…” I trailed off as I heard the front door open and close.

  “I thought you said they had a concert tonight?” Talia’s pale green eyes were less than amused.

  “They do but it’s still early. They weren’t going to stay at the arena when they can just come home.”

  Kaz and Jaden spoke to one another but all conversation ceased the moment he saw Talia.

  My fiancé winked at me before he said, “Babe, can I speak to you in private?”

  I stood up in a flash and followed him upstairs to our bedroom. I didn’t exactly find what he’d done charming or cute to say the least—Christmas time or not. It was downright awful and I would hate for Talia to think I was in on this ruse. I didn’t want Jaden to hurt her any more than he’d already had.

  Before I could get a word out, Kaz shut the doors and embraced me around my waist. “I’ve missed you, babe. I just wanted to come home and do this to you all day. I hope you don’t hate me.”

  My arms wrapped around his neck and I smiled. “No, I don’t hate you for this but…why did you bring him around? I thought you told me he couldn’t come to the wedding?”

  Kaz rolled his eyes. “You know I can’t stay mad at J
aden for long. The poor man is confused, baby, and I am only so happy I have never been in his position. He’s in love with Talia but he’s genuinely scared about what Faith might do if they break up—”

  “You know what I’m tired of? I’m sick of you making excuses for the bastard. Does he really think Faith is going to kill herself over him? She’ll have someone else in a week because that’s just the kind of person she is. He should have never started up with her again in the first place—rehab or no rehab.”

  My fiancé stared at me with clear aquamarine eyes and they were deeply troubled and laden with fear. “No, not about that. That incident where a man died and it was by my hands…Faith knows about it. Jaden didn’t tell her everything but she isn’t stupid. She hired a private investigator and got all the details on her own. She could seriously damage the club with what she has and Dizzy would rather see her dead first. Do you now understand why he hasn’t left her yet?”

  I sat down on the bed as a wave of nausea passed over me. “The club? What about Scarlet Fever? Your career and the band all of you have worked so hard to achieve? She knows enough to get you sent to prison for Christ’s sake. God, Kaz, this is really bad and she doesn’t know she’s playing with fire.”

  “Are you feeling okay?” He sat next to me and wrapped an arm around my waist before he pulled me closer. “We don’t have to worry about Kasper having another little brother or sister, do we?”

  “Well, since you brought it up, no, we don’t. For one, I am breastfeeding and it is highly unlikely I can get pregnant while doing so, especially in the first year. Not that it hasn’t happened but I don’t get my periods and therefore, I’m not producing any eggs for my body to get rid of every month…yet.”

  “And?”

  “What?”

  “I just had a feeling you were going to continue.” Kaz kissed my forehead. “There’s another shoe you want to drop on me so why don’t you just tell me what it is?”

  My smile could not be contained as I looked over at my fiancé and arched one of my perfectly-shaped brows. “There is no other shoe, mister.” I kissed Kaz’s lips gently and unexpectedly, his tongue darted between my open lips and our coupling turned that much more intimate.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck as he lifted my body and planted me firmly in his lap, both arms wrapping around waist before his hands began to wander up the back of the form-fitting cashmere sweater I wore.

  He ended our frantic kissing reluctantly and sighed. “Will our son be needing these any time soon?” he questioned, indicating my breasts.

  “It’s doubtful,” I murmured. “I pumped ‘em about an hour ago and left the milk for Lin in his nursery so we have at least an hour to ourselves…depending upon what time you’re due back.”

  “An hour is more than enough time. As long as I get to spend it with you, it’s all good, you know that?” He removed my sweater and caressed my double-Ds, encased in a pretty scarlet lace bra. “So, about that other shoe…”

  I sighed out loud. “Oh my goodness, you’re a hot mess, you know that? Listen, after the birth of Kasper, I knew he would be my one and only. It didn’t have anything with wanting to extract some sort of revenge on you but I also know me and a house full of kids isn’t how I see my life. You have Xander and now you have Kasper. You’re a great father but I like our family just the way it is now. I decided to get a tubal-ligation. My obstetrician gynecologist was completely against it but it was my decision.”

  Kaz’s aquamarine eyes went wide with surprise. “Is it reversible?”

  “No, it isn’t. I didn’t want that kind because I know there won’t be another child from me, not naturally at least.” My hands immediately went to his face. “Hey, stop acting like it’s the end of the world. There are plenty of unwanted children out there and if we want one to ‘solidify’ what we have after we’re married, I would really like to adopt an American child. I think it would be a great way to give back and who says that a child we adopt is any less our child than Xander and Kasper? I know you don’t think that way—”

  “No, I don’t, especially when another man raised me as his own child despite there not being any blood relation between the two of us. I am not upset, Syd, and please don’t get the impression it bothers me. I just didn’t think you would do something like that. You’re so young—”

  “Yes, I know. That is the exact phrase Dr. Canter kept repeating to me: ‘You’re so young. What if your child dies at a young age? You wouldn’t be able to have any biological children.’ The point isn’t whether I can have biological children or not. It was my decision because right now, I don’t want any more children yet I don’t want anything foreign in my body preventing me from doing so. If we decide to have another child then we can adopt. I’m not just saying this to be politically correct but I truly do believe there are way too many children out there in need of a good home. I’ve had my ‘biological’ child but I won’t prize him anymore than I do Xander or any other children we decide to have.”

  I breathed deeply against his neck and inhaled his delicious scent. I never wanted this to turn into a disagreement between us or cause a rift; it was the main reason why I’d never brought it up before. I didn’t know how Kaz would react and with us just having gotten back together, it was best to keep everything calm and loving between the two of us rather than cause unnecessary drama.

  His hands reached out and touched my face softly as we faced one another. He had the most unbelievably gorgeous face and never would I regret my decision to be with him again. Although his looks were never an issue between us; our problems had gone much deeper than the superficial.

  We both knew to make this work, we were each going to have to put in the effort and fight to keep our relationship stable and sustainable. No matter how sexy he was or beautiful I was, looks alone couldn’t hold a relationship together. We would have to base our relationship on a strong foundation with words like trust, loyalty, friendship and most of all, mutual respect.

  Kaz had some growing up to do and so did I but if we were willing to put in the effort then we could not only make our relationship special but it would only get better as the years passed us by, not worse.

  “I respect your decision to do what you did because it’s your body and you should be allowed the freedom to make these kinds of decisions. I was just a bit taken aback because I didn’t expect you to be so fiery and strong-willed.” He kissed my lips again and it was soft one but I still knew he was ready for more than a kiss by the hard-on pressed against my ass as I sat on his lap.

  “Oh, you didn’t? You are such a liar.” I tackled him down until I sat astride him and he let me win…at least for a moment.

  Then he tackled me and we rolled over until he was on top and I was on the bottom. My legs wrapped around his waist and although sexual preliminaries were a delight, they certainly weren’t needed at that moment.

  His lips crushed mine and I opened my mouth to receive him as his tongue invaded me and every thought turned into primal yearning and emotion. I just needed to be with him and at the moment, I didn’t care about the small bit of time we had together.

  “You think we would be able to manage a quickie?”

  My lips curved into a smile. “Absolutely.”

  Kaz wiped the smile off my lips with a soul-stealing kiss that had me seeing stars. He quickly undid my bra, unbuttoned the boyfriend jeans I wore and slid them off my body, panties included.

  I helped him take off his t-shirt and undid the button of his jeans before he slid them off after he’d kicked off a pair of black Chuck Taylors he wore. I lay down on the bed and he spread my legs wide before he looked down at me as if I was a work of beauty between my legs.

  “Fuck, I can’t resist. Every time I see your pussy, I just want to dig right in with my tongue.”

  “That’s not a quickie, Kaz,” I chided though he knew I was kidding.

  I loved when this man went down on me because he was so fucking good at it and it never s
eemed like a routine. He always did something different with his tongue but if he did go down on me then he would delay sex for at least ten minutes and it was precious time we simply didn’t have.

  “Maybe just a quick lick—”

  “Babe, you have a concert tonight and as appealing as that is, I want your dick inside me. I don’t want to be eaten out by you only for you to have to go afterwards. Get your ass up here and fuck me.”

  “Fine, turn over and get on your hands and knees. I can stimulate your G-spot better and at least tease you with my fingers.”

  “Don’t forget the KY—it’s right next to the bed.”

  “See, if I went down on you, we wouldn’t need the KY.”

  One downside to breastfeeding and not getting a period; I was dry as the Sahara desert between my legs because all the liquids were going straight to my boobs. If Kaz didn’t eat me out, we had to use lubricant just so it didn’t hurt him or me to have sex.

  He rubbed lube over his cock before he administered a liberal amount on two of his fingers and slid them inside me, massaging my G-spot as he explored. His thumb pressed down on my clit and I swore I saw stars as my hips bucked against his fingers.