Know Him

by Courtney Loney

  “I guess I have nothing to lose right?” My mom smiled at me.

  “He has a lot going on, he's probably just busy.”I nodded typing a message to him.

  Hi stranger I typed with a smiley face. I sent the message and immediately threw my phone into my mom’s hands. She fumbled trying to catch it.

  “I gotta go to the bathroom,” I said, hurrying away.

  I stood at the sink in the bathroom and splashed some water on my face. I grabbed a cloth, wiped it dry and gazed at myself in the mirror. My cheeks were looking a little fuller and my eyes were less red. I ran my fingers over the scar on the side of my face tracing it.

  “Sutton you have been through more than you ever thought you would. Luke is great. He’s amazing. Even though everything you experienced wasn’t real, he’s real and you’re real and it could be something real or maybe it won’t be. Maybe Luke won’t answer your text.” I said to myself in a whisper, a tear starting to roll its way down my cheek. “Maybe he’ll stay here in Coopersville and this won’t ever work out but you’re strong and most of all, you’re alive and you have a life to live.”

  “Wow, what a pep talk.” Reagan said, her head peeking through the slightly open door. I laughed. “You’re right, Sutton. No matter what, your life is a miracle and you get to live it any way you want right now, so don’t take that for granted.” Reagan hugged me and handed me my phone. “Oh, and by the way he replied.”

  My heart started beating a million miles an hour as I snatched the phone from Reagan’s hands. I clenched it and walked to my bedroom. Reagan followed slowly behind me, and Shane followed too.

  “You know she’s going to be crushed if he decides to stay, right?” Shane whispered a little too loud so that I heard it. I subtly looked up at Reagan who shot him a look and mouthed the words, “I know.”

  I laid back on my bed and clicked my phone screen on.

  Hey. Sorry, been a busy day. Took a nap before I finish packing. I sighed. I wasn’t sure if that message was good or bad but it was a reply so I was content with that.

  No worries. How were the crazy shoppers? Did they eat all the pizza? I joked. I looked over at the doorway where Reagan and Shane were still standing.

  I invited them in and they didn’t hesitate. They both immediately sprawled out on the edge of the bed.

  Just then, my phone vibrated twice. I picked it up instantaneously.

  So. Many. People. So. Many. Pizzas. The first one read.

  Can I pick you up around 6 to talk? The next text said. I gulped.

  “What does it say?” Reagan asked, moving closer to me.

  “He wants to talk tonight.”

  “Okay.” She said, well, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.” I sighed again.

  “Well, I guess we’ll see what ends up happening.”

  At 5:55, I sat on the couch looking back out the window every few seconds.

  “Are you nervous, Sutton?” Gia asked looking up at me - an innocent look in her eyes.

  “A little bit,” I replied, biting my lip.

  “Why?” She asked and was clearly curious.

  “I’m just a little nervous about whether Luke will stay in my life or not.”

  “He will,” Gia replied confidently.

  “Oh yeah?” I replied.

  “Yes. He’s good. I can tell.” I hugged my little sister and heard the familiar sound of the red truck pulling up out front.

  “You got this,”Reagan said. The whole family pulled me in for a group hug before I walked out the door.

  There was a chill in the air and I shivered as I walked up to the truck where Luke was standing. He grinned but he didn’t look good. He looked exhausted and his eyes were red and swollen. I hoped it was from his overnight shift but I didn’t think so.

  “Hi Sutton.” He said opening the car door for me. I climbed into the truck and he slammed the door behind me, walking around to his side and getting in.

  There was silence between us as Luke drove. I didn’t even have to ask where we were going because I knew. A few minutes later we pulled up to the sunflower field. The sun was starting to set and it peeked through the tall trunks of the sunflowers.

  Luke killed the engine and looked over at me. He smirked but I saw some hurt in his eyes. I swallowed and selfishly wished he was about to tell me he wanted to head to Dainstown with me.

  I sighed out loud breaking the silence between us. Luke reached for my hand and held it. “Sutton I know our story is crazy but I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have met you.” He kissed my hand gently.

  “I just.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t think I can just pick up my life and move hours away. I can’t imagine not being here if anything ever went wrong with my grandma or my uncle.” A single tear started to trickle down his cheek.

  I squeezed his hand tight. I knew all along it wasn’t realistic for Luke to leave with me, but I just hoped it would happen. I tried to swallow the knot in my throat. I knew if I didn’t I would explode into tears.

  “I understand.” My voice cracked and the tears started streaming. Luke pulled me towards him and we embraced both sobbing.

  “Sutton, I still want you in my life. We can text all the time and FaceTime.” He pulled himself together wiping the tears from my cheeks. “We can visit each other.”

  “I know,” I replied, trying to calm myself down. “I don’t know why I expected you to leave your life here. That’s selfish of me.” I sniffled and wiped my eyes but the tears kept flowing until I was having a full-on breakdown.

  Luke put his hand on my shoulder and I trembled and sort of pulled away. Luke banged his fist on the steering wheel then rubbed the top of his head with his palm. He sighed loudly and then opened the truck door and slammed it closed.

  He paced back and forth in front of the truck. His hands were on his head and he was mumbling out loud. I heard little bits of it here and there. I didn’t know if he was talking to god or his mom and dad or me but he was clearly upset.

  “What was I supposed to do? Pick up my life and leave. How can I even believe any of this shit? It doesn’t even make any sense? Why are you doing this shit to me?” He cried and collapsed into a squatting position, his face in his hands.

  As each of us worked through our parallel breakdowns it started to drizzle. I kept my eyes on Luke. He sobbed in his hands for a few minutes then he randomly stood up and ripped the truck door open sniffling and gripping the steering wheel. For the first time, the silence between Luke and I was awkward and I couldn’t find the right words to even speak to him.

  “I want to say goodbye tonight. It’ll be too hard for me to say it tomorrow.” Luke said his eyes narrow and his voice low and flat. I nodded holding back my tears. I guess we’re not saying see you later anymore. I thought to myself.

  We sat in silence again but Luke grabbed my hand. The sun had set and darkness was beginning to surround us. “Where are you going to live?” I said looking over at Luke.

  “Going to sleep on my uncle’s girlfriend’s couch for now.” Those words felt like a dagger.

  “So I guess you’ll be seeing a lot of Bianca then,” I said quietly. Luke swallowed loudly. “I guess so,” he said monotone, letting go of my hand.

  “You can take me home now.” My voice cracked and I tried my absolute best not to burst into tears again.

  Luke looked over at me. “This isn’t the end for us, Sutton. I’m sure of it.” A tear ventured down his cheek and he kissed my forehead.

  We drove in silence again and pulled up in front of Aunt Helen’s house. I looked in the window where I saw multiple shadows sitting on the couch. The TV danced and flashed.

  Luke killed the engine and looked over at me. “You’re special Sutton Greys and I will never forget you.” I turned to him. My face was red and puffy.

  “Likewise Luke.” He pulled me in close and kissed me once more. There was a sudden rush throughout my whole body. Luke’s lips didn’t leave mine long enough for me to take a breath. He k
issed me passionately and hard. Minutes must have passed by and Luke pulled away slowly but all at once. My heart thumped and we both tried to catch our breath.

  “I’ll see you later Sutton.” Luke said in between gasps. I took a deep breath in and then exhaled.

  “I’ll see you later Luke.”

  The next morning snowflakes danced in the wind as my dad packed the last bag in the back of my Jeep. He slammed the back door shut and said “let’s hit the road kiddos.”

  My face was still swollen and red. I was probably worse off than yesterday because I had spent the majority of the night bawling my eyes out. I wore my ripped jeans, my dad's baggy sweatshirt, and aviators. No one questioned me even though the sky was blanketed by dark snow clouds and there was no way sunglasses were necessary.

  My parents made the executive decision that my mom would drive my car home and Gia would ride with my dad. I crossed my arms and watched as Gia hugged Ronnie one last time. She was muttering a few last things that she demanded he remember until they saw each other next. Ronnie nodded, lifting his glasses to rub away his tears every few seconds. They held each other for a long time and I felt my eyes begin to well up.

  I glanced around one last time. A part of me was still hoping Luke would show up last minute. I could picture him skidding to a stop on his bike just as we were about to pull out of the driveway to let me know he had changed his mind.

  Before I got in the car I glanced in every possible direction. Sadly, this wasn’t a movie and Luke was nowhere to be found. I walked over to the passenger side of my Jeep and climbed in, shoving headphones in my ears.

  I looked towards the house where Aunt Helen was attempting to stand up and wave. My mom scolded her before joining me in the car. Reagan came over to the window and knocked on it. I rolled it down and pulled one headphone out.

  “One last hug?” She questioned. I groaned but stood up.

  “Hug #191. Hey, I feel like my odds of dying are lower now. I already had my near-death experience, so chill.” I said squeezing her tight.

  “Shut up.” She laughed. “I love you, Sutton. Hang in there.”

  “I’ll do my best.” I sighed sitting back down in my seat. Reagan shut the door and waved at me before walking back to her car.

  “Hopefully her nurse will get here soon.” My mom said looking at the watch on her arm and biting her lip. I continued to stare straight ahead. My mom looked over at me and grabbed my hand before pulling out of the driveway. I glanced back in her direction, she gave me a half-smile and tightly squeezed me.

  “It’s going to be okay Sutton,” she said before pulling her hand away to back out of the driveway.

  ..

  “Glad we made it home before the first storm actually hit.” My dad said, staring out the picture window scratching the back of his head. I sat on the couch in an outfit very similar to the one I left Coopersville in, sunglasses and all.

  We had been home for almost three weeks. My days consisted of binge-watching netflix and eating. I hadn’t heard from Luke at all. My mom told everyone that this was my way of grieving and to let me be. I wore sweatpants and baggy sweatshirts every day and my sunglasses almost all the time. I hadn’t cried since the day we left Coopersville but I hadn’t laughed either. I felt empty and like a zombie walking through life.

  I had been to two appointments with a therapist. She was nice, young, and way too bubbly. I answered all of her questions but I didn’t give her much more than that.

  There were six inches of snow on the ground and more on its way. Normally, I would be ecstatic about that but I felt nothing but indifferent.

  “Sutton, are you going to make that crockpot hot chocolate and we can go make snow angels, then come back in and drink it in our pjs?” Gia asked me peering out the window watching the snowfall.

  “Probably not Gia,” I replied, chewing off the edge of a twizzler.

  “I’ll make it sweetie.” My mom replied. “Sutton’s not up to it.”

  “She’s never up to it!” Gia pouted. “She hasn't done anything since we got back. When she woke up, I thought I was going to keep my sister but all she is is a zombie!” Gia yelled, tears starting to spill down her cheeks.

  My dad scooped Gia up. “That’s enough, honey. It’s going to be okay.”

  “And she needs to stop wearing those stupid sunglasses in the house!” She added through her tears. I chewed my twizzler and looked over at her. I started laughing hysterically. At first everyone just stared at me but then they started to laugh with me.

  “You know what, you’re right Gia.” I said, ripping off my sunglasses, throwing them onto the couch beside me.

  “I’m sorry.” I said putting my arms out. She hopped out of my dad's arms and cuddled into mine. “Let’s do a Christmas day tomorrow, okay? We’ll make hot chocolate and we’ll play in the snow, we’ll build gingerbread houses and if it’s not too bad out, we’ll go for a ride and look at the lights.”

  “Yay!” Gia yelled with excitement. I looked over at my mom and her eyes lit up.

  “I’m going to take a shower.” I said out loud “and I’m sorry.” Nobody said anything, but my mom, sister, and dad smiled at me as I walked to the bathroom.

  I stood in front of the mirror, as the room filled with steam. My face was starting to get fuller again; almost back to normal. Must’ve been from all the junk food I had been eating the past few weeks. My eyes were bloodshot and red. I lifted my finger and traced the scar on my face that was barely visible but could still be felt. I looked into the mirror and took a deep breath. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life,” I said out loud to myself, before turning away and getting in the shower.

  The next morning Gia woke me up bright and early, excited for our Christmas Day of fun. I went into my drawers and put on a cute red sweater with a vest. When I went into the living room I could smell cinnamon buns that must’ve just come out of the oven and I smiled to myself.

  Gia called me over to the windowsill where dad was outside with a tape measure. “One foot!” He mouthed to us, with a big grin on his face.

  “Okay, so first we'll eat breakfast. Then we’re going to the store to get everything we need for hot Cocoa and gingerbread houses. Then we’ll come back and play in the snow and do Christmas stuff in our pjs!”

  “Can’t wait,” I said, pulling Gia into a hug.

  I stood in front of the Shop Right, trying to pretend I wasn’t freezing my ass off. My mom and Gia had gone to get the car and pick me up in front. I held the shopping list in my hand and checked it once more to be sure I had everything I needed.

  A large mega bus pulled up to the stop in front of me. Loads of people got out, all probably making their way to visit family for the holidays. I walked slightly to the right so I could see past the bus and keep watch for my mom when she pulled up.

  “Christmas in Dainstown. I hear there’s nothing like it.” A voice said. Someone was standing directly next to me. I smirked but didn’t lookup. I felt more like myself but I wasn’t exactly ready to be the welcoming committee for a complete stranger.

  “Any recommendations? I’ve never been here before.” The voice said again but this time I began to recognize it.

  I looked up at the person standing next to me. He had a little bit of curly hair on the top of his head and the sides were cut short. He was wearing a dark blue jacket and had a huge grin on his face.

  “Oh my God, Luke?” I said, dropping the bags down on the pavement.

  “Hi, Sutton.” He replied pulling me into a hug.

  “What are you doing here?” I said continuing to embrace him.

  “I made a big mistake. My past may be in Coopersville but I have a feeling my future is here in Dainstown.” Luke put both of his palms on my cheeks and pulled me in, kissing me gently and deeply. “Merry Christmas Sutton,” Luke said in between kisses.

  “Merry Christmas Luke,” I replied, nuzzling my head into his chest.

  />   Courtney Loney, Know Him