Defensive

by J. D. Rivera

  He took a deep breath. “The night before I came here, I slept with her one last time. We’d been broken up for a while but I met up with her that night and we had sex. Apparently when she came here, she was hoping we could get back together. She was going to tell me but decided not to when she found out how much I love you.”

  “Then why did she call you and tell you now?” It came out a lot harsher than I had intended but I couldn’t seem to care.

  “I’m not really sure. I guess guilt.”

  This was too much. He was having a child with another woman. I pushed back from the table. “I really need to be alone right now. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” I didn’t look at him as I got up and left. I ran to the door as fast as I could, hoping he wouldn’t follow me.

  I reached my car and looked back at his door, where he was now standing, watching me. I wanted to cry so badly. I had so many feelings and thoughts running through me that I felt weighed down. All I could do was fall into the seat and put the car in reverse as I buckled my seatbelt. I had to leave before he saw me break down.

  I wasn’t really sure how I got home or even how I got into my bedroom but the next thing I knew I was falling onto my bed. My thoughts were a jumbled mess. He should be with the girl who’s used to being in the spotlight. He’ll be so wrapped up in her pregnancy he won’t have time for you. He’ll already be used to having a baby by the time yours is born, and he’ll barely even care. You’ll probably lose the baby and he’ll run straight to her.

  I rolled to my side and hugged the pillow that Jackson slept on when he stayed over. I could still smell his cologne. I knew I was going to lose him. I had been kidding myself thinking that he could be the man for me. I was such a fool.

  I heard buzzing behind me, coming from my phone on the nightstand. I thought about ignoring it but I couldn’t. I looked at the screen; there were four text messages from Jackson.

  Jackson: Please come back and talk to me.

  Jackson: Vanessa, please come back or call me.

  Jackson: This changes nothing. I love you.

  Jackson: Fine. I’ll give you some space but I love you. Remember that.

  I knew I needed to reply but I wasn’t sure what to say. I was a jumbled mess inside and I was scared I would say something I would later regret. Finally, I decided on simple.

  Me: I love you, too. Just give me some time.

  The next morning, while I was getting dressed for work, I heard a knock on my door. I assumed it would be Jackson but it wasn’t. When I opened the door, a floral delivery man was standing at the door holding a dozen red roses. My heart melted, but at the same time, I questioned whether it was too early for deliveries. I decided I didn’t care and grabbed the roses from the man.

  “Wait right here. I’ll be right back,” I told him before walking back into my apartment to find some cash. I placed the vase on the counter then grabbed some money. I jogged back to the man, gave him a tip, and closed the door.

  My heart was racing for some reason. It wasn’t like it was the first time I had received roses or flowers from Jackson. I almost sprinted the few feet back to the counter and grabbed the card.

  Vanessa,

  You’re my everything and always will be. Never doubt that.

  I love you,

  Jackson

  I wanted to cry. I clutched the card to my chest and took deep steadying breaths, trying to keep the tears at bay that were trying to escape. I knew he loved me but I still felt so confused. I looked down at my stomach. I was carrying his child, too. Maybe things would work out. I just needed time to process everything and figure out the best way to tell him our news.

  I got dressed and walked out to my car. Just as I was opening the door, I felt someone behind me. I quickly dropped into the seat, trying to shut the door just as someone grabbed it. I looked up to see Jackson. He looked just as handsome as ever but tired. Like he hadn’t slept all night. His hair was all out of place and he had on wrinkled sweats and an old T-shirt.

  “You scared the crap out of me,” I told him after catching my breath.

  “Sorry. I wasn’t going to come over. I was going to give you the space you asked for but I can’t. I won’t be able to function with us like this.”

  I reached out and touched his cheek as he squatted down beside me. “I have to get to work but we’ll talk after I get off. Will that work?”

  He looked at me with worry in his eyes. “We play tonight. Are you planning on coming?”

  “I can’t. Just come by after your game.”

  “Okay,” he said before giving me a gentle kiss on the lips. He pulled away and then gave me a kiss that I definitely wouldn’t forget any time soon. After he finally slowed the kiss and pulled back, he whispered, “I love you, Vanessa. I don’t want to lose you.” I nodded as he backed away from the car and shut my door. He looked so sad. I had never seen him look anything like this before.

  I drove away but I needed to talk to someone. I knew I wasn’t going to be in the best state of mind while teaching if I didn’t. I pushed the button on the steering wheel and told the Bluetooth to call Amanda.

  “Hey, lady,” she answered.

  “Jackson’s having a baby with Cynthia,” I blurted.

  “Wait, what? He’s having a baby with you. Who’s…? You mean his ex-girlfriend Cynthia?”

  “He’s having a baby with both of us, only he doesn’t know it yet.”

  “Well, I’m confused and intrigued. Please explain.”

  I huffed. “Apparently, he had a one night stand with her before he left New York and she called him and told him she’s pregnant.”

  “What? I mean if they were dating, it wouldn’t have been a one night stand.”

  “I guess the night before he left to move here, they hooked up one last time. I can’t stand in the way of them being a family.”

  She cleared her throat. “Have you forgotten that you are pregnant, too?”

  “I haven’t been to see a doctor yet. I don’t want to think about that right now.”

  “You probably should think about that. Listen, I’m walking into a meeting. Can I call you at lunch?”

  “I’ll be fine. I promise. He’s coming over tonight and we’re going to talk about it.”

  “Are you going to tell him about being pregnant?” she asked.

  I huffed again. “No. I haven’t seen a doctor. I will after that. No need to tell him anything yet.”

  “Okay. I love you, girl, and I’m here if you need me.”

  “Thanks,” I said before ending the call.

  I could tell it was going to be a long day. Sure enough, I was right. I had two kids vomit in the classroom and another fall at recess and hurt his hand badly. I was in a really bad mood and wanted to go for a run to clear my head when I got off work but it was too dark. Instead, when I got home I opted for the Oreo cookies. I intended to only eat a couple but, before I knew it, I had eaten half the package. Just what I needed, something else to worry about. I’d be gaining five pounds overnight.

  Jackson

  Even though Vanessa had agreed to talk that night, I walked away from her car with my heart breaking. I drove back to my place and tried to get ready for the day. I needed to call my parents and tell them about the baby before they found out another way.

  “Hey,” my dad answered on the second ring.

  “Hey, just calling to see what’s up.”

  “Not a lot. Getting ready to play some golf.”

  “Don’t want to keep you from that.” I took a deep breath. “Look, Dad, I need to tell you something.”

  “Okay, what is it? Should I get your mom?”

  “No. I think you can tell Mom what I’m about to tell you.” He didn’t say anything so I went on. “Do you remember Cynthia? The girl I dated for a bit while I was in New York?”

  “The model?”

  I heaved a sigh. “Yeah. Anyway, she called and she’s pregnant. I guess she wasn’t going to tell me and finally decided she should.”<
br />
  “Ummm. Wow, son. Maybe I should get your mom.”

  “Dad, really, I think you can tell Mom.”

  “Jackson—”

  I cut him off. “I’m running late so I have to go. Just let Mom know and I promise everything is fine.” I wasn’t really running late. I just didn’t want to talk to my mom. She’d ask a bunch of questions I wasn’t in the mood to answer.

  “I’ll let her know, but she’ll probably call you,” he said.

  “Okay. Bye, Dad”

  I hung up, feeling a little bit of relief that I’d told my parents. I’d just ignore my mom’s calls until I had everything figured out as far as Vanessa was concerned. Once I had that figured out, everything else wouldn’t be so annoying.

  After playing one of my worst games in a while, I showered and changed and then drove to Vanessa’s apartment. I felt like I couldn’t get to her fast enough. I didn’t bother knocking on her door since she had given me a key. As I entered the room, I found her asleep on the couch, looking beautiful in a T-shirt that had my number and name on it. I kneeled down next to her and took in the sight of her. She was the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen but she was so damaged and defensive on the inside that I knew she would try to push me away. I just had to let her know that she could try but I wouldn’t go away easily or ever.

  I turned the TV off and pushed some of her hair off her face as I pressed my lips to her temple. Her eyes fluttered open as she turned her head to look at me.

  “You looked so peaceful I almost didn’t want to wake you but we have to talk,” I whispered.

  She sat up slowly and rubbed her eyes. “Yeah, it’s okay. I must’ve fallen asleep watching the game. Did you win?”

  I kissed her lips and smiled. “Yep. It was a tough win, though.” I sat down beside her on the couch and grabbed her hips, pulling her onto me. “Why’d you need space? Aren’t we supposed to go through things together?”

  She found a piece of non-existent fuzz on her pants, poking and staring at it as she answered. “I just… don’t want to be in the way of your family.”

  I tipped her chin up so she would have to look at me. “What? We may not be married but you’re my family. Yes, I’ll have a child with someone else and I will be an active father to him or her, but that doesn’t mean anything. You, me, and the child can and will be a family. Cynthia isn’t going to come between us.”

  “Don’t you want to try and make it work as a family with her? For your child’s sake?” she asked.

  “For my child’s sake, I’m not even going to attempt that. Trust me, the kid will be better off with their father being in a loving relationship with you rather than a miserable relationship with their mother.” I grinned. “Cynthia annoys the fuck out of me.”

  She scrunched her eyebrows together. “Why’d you date her if she’s so annoying?”

  I sighed loudly then linked our hands. “Honestly? I wasn’t around much so I didn’t have to deal with her that often. In the beginning, she hid it well. It wasn’t until later when she called and texted all the time that I realized just how annoying she is.”

  I wasn’t real sure if I was getting through to her because the look in her eyes showed that she was still scared. I didn’t know what else I could say to convince her that I only wanted to be with her and that, regardless, I wouldn’t be getting back together with Cynthia. I would just have to show her by focusing on our relationship.

  After what seemed like forever, she looked me in the eyes. “Okay.”

  “Okay?”

  “Yeah, okay,” she said before crashing our lips together. The kiss felt different. Like she was scared it might be our last. I knew it wouldn’t be but I kissed her back just as forcefully. She wrapped her hands around my neck as I moved her onto the couch. My hands were all over her body, feeling her soft skin.

  I pulled back from kissing her. “You are so beautiful.” She grinned but didn’t say anything. I leaned down and kissed her again. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you, too,” she whispered as she pulled me back down for a kiss. She opened her mouth and let me explore hers as I unhooked her bra and drew back to raise her shirt up. She grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled it over my head.

  She reached down, unbuttoning my jeans and whispered, “I need you.”

  “I need you too, baby,” I told her as I finished undressing her. I crashed our lips together again and showed her how much I needed her.

  We lay on the couch holding each other as I thought about how lucky I was. I had the girl of my dreams in my arms. “I am so tired,” she said through a yawn.

  I kissed her temple. “Me, too. Let’s go to bed.” I rolled away from her and stood up, extending my arm.

  She grabbed my hand. “Thanks. This has been the longest week ever.”

  We walked to her bedroom and I immediately fell on the bed as she stepped into the bathroom. She came out a few minutes later with her teeth brushed and all of her makeup washed off.

  “You know you don’t really need to wear makeup. You look great just like this,” I told her.

  She shook her head. “Whatever. Unless you’re saying I wear too much and look like a clown or something?” At first, I thought she was serious but I caught her fighting a smile.

  “Yeah. That’s what I’m saying. You’re clownish with all that makeup.”

  “Whatever,” she said while laughing and flopping down on the bed. “You’re such a jerk.”

  I got up to brush my teeth. “You know you don’t look like a clown. You look great either way. With or without makeup.”

  “One of the teachers at work looks like a clown. I’ve always wondered how she can look in the mirror and not see how bad it looks.”

  “Well, you don’t look that way and you know it,” I told her before putting toothpaste on the brush and popping it into my mouth.

  After I was finished brushing my teeth I sauntered back into the bedroom. Vanessa was already asleep. I pulled the covers back on my side, crawled in the bed, then pulled her close to me and kissed her cheek. I felt my body relax for the first time since Cynthia had called me to let me know about the baby.

  Vanessa

  I knew Jackson loved me and wanted our relationship to work but I couldn’t quit thinking about how he might change his mind. I didn’t spend any of his money so I wasn’t dependent on him financially, except for his car. I had saved some money and decided I was going to have my car fixed no matter what. If it cost more to fix it than I had, I would just ask my brother for a small loan.

  I had just gotten off the phone with a tow truck when Jackson walked into the living room. “Who were you talking to?”

  “A tow company. I’m having my car towed.”

  He gave me a puzzled look as he sat down beside me on the couch. “Is there something wrong with your car? It should be under warranty.”

  I picked up my cup of coffee and took a sip. “Not your car. My car. I’m having it fixed.”

  “Why? You should probably just sell it for parts. Besides, I gave you the Infiniti.”

  “No, I’m borrowing it and hopefully I won’t have to borrow it for much longer.”

  He laughed. “No. You don’t understand. I put your name on the title a couple of weeks ago. It was a gift.”

  I stood up and yelled. “What? That’s insane, Jackson. You can’t do something like that.”

  He chuckled. “It’s not insane to gift the girl you love a reliable car. And I can do something like that. I already did.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me down on his lap and continued. “What’s the big deal?”

  “What’s the big deal? I’m not with you for your money, I’m with you for you. A car isn’t a normal gift. A necklace or a bracelet is a normal gift,” I argued.

  “Do you need or want a bracelet or necklace?” he asked, rubbing his finger over my palm.

  “No. I don’t need things like that.”

  He nuzzled up to my ear. “Exactly.” He pulled back and looked me i
n the eyes. “You needed a car. You didn’t ask. I did this all on my own.”

  “I’m still getting my car fixed,” I told him.

  “Whatever you want, babe.”

  My phone started ringing and I picked it up from the coffee table. “Hello?”

  “This is Tony from the tow company. I’m here to get the car.”

  “Okay. I’ll be right down.” I ended the call and stood up. I turned my head toward Jackson. “Be right back. Can you take me to the repair shop so I have a lift home?”

  He got up slowly. “Let me go throw some clothes on.”

  “Thanks,” I said, giving him a small kiss on the cheek. I exited the door as he shook his head. I knew he was irritated but I didn’t want to rely on him for a car. I was an adult and needed to have a car of my own. Not a gifted, crazy expensive car.

  Jackson was silent during the entire drive to the repair shop except for singing along with the rap music he had turned on. He bobbed his head with the music but barely looked at me. I hated making him mad but I couldn’t depend on him, either. What would I do when the relationship ended and I was left carless? I had to plan ahead.

  “Why are you so mad at me over getting my car fixed?” I finally asked.

  At first I didn’t think he was going to answer me but after a bit he turned the music down. “I’m not mad.”

  “Really? Because you’re not talking to me at all. You won’t even look at me.”

  He glanced over at me. “I’m driving. I can’t look at you and I’m listening to music. Do you want me to turn it off?”

  I looked out the window. “No. Please listen to it. I have nothing to say to you anyway.” I wanted to cry. I wasn’t really sure why, except for him being rude. He wasn’t normally rude and it really hurt my feelings.

  He exhaled and grabbed my hand. “I’m sorry. I’m being an ass. Will you just promise me something?”

  “What?” I asked without looking at him.

  “Will you please keep driving the Infiniti? I understand if you need to have your car fixed but like I said, I gave you the car already. Might as well keep driving it.”