Defensive

by J. D. Rivera

  His eyes were pleading and he looked like the old Shane. The Shane I’d known before I lost the baby. “Okay. Where do you want to go?” I asked.

  “Whatever restaurant you want. Just somewhere I can talk to you.”

  “I’m only agreeing because I’m really curious. I’m not in the mood to put up with any shit today so I’ll leave at any time.” He nodded. “I’m in the mood for Mexican.”

  He looked relieved and smiled. “Thank you. Qdoba? I know you used to like that place.”

  “Sounds good to me. They have great queso.” I told him as I stepped toward my door and he moved to open it for me. After I got inside, he closed the door, then strode to his car. I felt so confused. I had no idea why he would want to talk to me. Maybe he has an STD and needs to tell me. I shook my head. That was not what I needed and I decided it would be best if I didn’t speculate.

  After we had ordered and sat down in a booth by the window with our food, I looked at Shane. He looked really nervous again. “I heard about your mom. How is she?” I asked.

  He bobbed his head to the side. “She’s okay. I don’t think she’ll ever be back to one hundred percent but we’re lucky we didn’t lose her. Dad said your mom has been dropping by and helping.”

  “They’ve known each other a long time. I’ve been thinking about going and seeing her.”

  He smiled slightly. “She’d love that.”

  I dipped a chip into the queso and really looked at him as I took a bite. He looked different and was acting like the guy I’d fallen in love with a long time ago. “So, what did you want to talk to me about? If it’s about Jackson, that’s none of your business.”

  He swallowed his food and took a drink. He then took a deep breath. “This is hard for me to do but I think you have a right to know.”

  “You have an STD,” I blurted out.

  His eyes got big. “No. No, Vanessa. God, why that, of all the things to think?”

  I inhaled, then exhaled. “You cheated on me the entire time we were married. Probably while we dated, too.”

  His face was pale. “I deserve that. I’ve been an asshole. Just to be clear, I never cheated on you while we were dating and I always used protection.”

  “I’m so glad you waited until we were married to cheat,” I said icily.

  “That’s what I want to talk to you about.”

  “About you cheating? I don’t really care. It’s not like you can deny it. I saw you.”

  “I’m not trying to deny it. I just want to explain some things.”

  I took a bite of my quesadilla and chewed slowly. “Fine. Explain.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “Okay. I guess I just need to start from the beginning. After the night you lost the baby, I was really depressed.”

  “Let’s not talk about that,” I whispered as I looked away.

  “I have to talk about it to explain.” He blew out a deep breath. “Okay. So I was depressed and you were depressed and I just couldn’t figure out a way to help you. I couldn’t even help myself. A few weeks later, I went out with some people I had met in class. I just wanted to blow off some steam. Feel something other than sadness. So I went… and that was the first night I took a hit of cocaine.”

  I stopped mid-chew. Had he really told me that he had used cocaine? “I’m sorry. What? Cocaine?”

  “Yeah. I was so ashamed but I couldn’t tell you. The bad thing was that I loved it. I loved that it let me forget about everything going on. About how we had lost a child.”

  “Wow. We lost a child and you turned to cocaine. How the hell did I not know? How long did you use?”

  He looked out the window for a beat and then back at me. “Until about a month ago. I just got out of rehab. After officially losing you in the divorce and almost losing my mom, I realized I had to get control of myself again. I couldn’t keep living like that.”

  “I can’t believe this. I mean, I must’ve been the dumbest wife ever.”

  He grabbed my hand and, for some reason, I didn’t pull away. “You weren’t dumb. I was really good at hiding it. I hated myself for using it but I couldn’t stop. I knew you deserved better so I started cheating and being an asshole to you, hoping to push you away.”

  “How admirable of you,” I said sarcastically.

  “I’m an asshole. I just needed to explain everything to you.”

  “What about the divorce? You made that so difficult,” I said as a tear slipped out of my eye. I was feeling so many emotions. Sadness, anger, relief. Relief was the strangest.

  “I still loved you and even though I had pushed you away on purpose, I still didn’t want to lose you. I know that sounds crazy.”

  “It doesn’t. I hung onto you and our marriage for so long. Everyone and I mean everyone asked me why I didn’t leave you. I kept clinging to the memory of the guy I had fallen in love with as a teenager. I knew he was inside you somewhere.”

  “I’m so sorry, Vanessa. I know I put you through a lot and was so mean to you. I called you ugly and stupid almost every day. I want you to know that, even as I was saying it, I thought you were the most beautiful and smartest woman I had ever seen.” He squeezed my hand. “I still do.”

  I burst into tears and he was around the booth, hugging me to his side. I should’ve pushed him away but for the first time in years, things made sense. I felt like I was with the Shane I had loved. Although I wasn’t in love with him anymore, he still meant a lot to me.

  I grabbed a napkin and cleaned my face off. “I’m okay. I just… wow. This is a lot to take in and I feel like I’m sitting by the Shane I married instead of the asshole that I’ve been dealing with for the last few years.”

  “You’re sitting by a new Shane. A Shane who doesn’t want to hurt you and who wants you to understand.”

  “Thank you for telling me everything. I know that had to be hard.”

  He moved back to the other side of the booth. “Yeah. I chickened out a hundred times but I decided that you had a right to know why I ruined both of our lives.”

  “This doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you, but maybe I won’t think about killing you every time your name is mentioned.”

  He smiled. “Better than I thought I’d get.”

  I told him goodbye and walked to my car feeling a little lighter. It was strange but I felt a little more peaceful after finding out the complete truth. It had been nice to sit and talk to him after everything was out in the open. I felt like I was talking to my old best friend again, even though I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to pursue a friendship with him.

  Jackson

  I loved basketball. Playing had always been my life. I hated away games, though. Now that I had a girlfriend I cared about, I hated leaving her all the time. I was only home half the time and I felt like that wasn’t enough. I was sure some of what I was feeling was because the relationship was new, but I still felt like most of it was because I loved Vanessa so much. It was a really new feeling.

  I walked into the locker room and grabbed my bag to see if Vanessa had texted me while I had been practicing. I picked up my phone to see that Ray had sent me a text with a picture. Knowing him, it would probably be a girl with big tits. I swiped the screen and a picture of Vanessa and her ex-husband sitting at a table, holding hands, came on the screen. What the hell? While I was staring at the picture, another text from Ray popped up that included at photo of Shane hugging Vanessa. I read the text:

  Ray: Sorry man. Was walking by and saw them together.

  My heart wanted to shatter as I sank down on the bench behind me. I took a deep breath as I thought about the two pictures I had just seen. She had to have a good reason for being with him and letting him touch her. I didn’t have time to call her and ask about it, though. I had a game to play and I needed to forget about it for now.

  I texted Ray before I put my phone away and got ready for the game.

  Me: I’m sure it’s nothing.

  I thought I had played shitty before but the co
ach actually took me out of the game because my performance sucked so badly. I couldn’t think about anything else besides those pictures of Vanessa and Shane. I gave the quickest interviews possible after and as soon as I could, I called her.

  “Hello?” she answered.

  I took a deep breath and tried to rid myself of any anger or worry. “Hey, babe.”

  “What happened? I watched the game.”

  “I just had a bad day. That happens, you know,” I said bitterly.

  “Okay. I’m sorry.”

  “Are you fucking your ex behind my back?” I blurted out. Shit. I had wanted to ease us into this conversation but I couldn’t stop myself from asking.

  “What?”

  I took a deep breath. “I know you were with him today.”

  “So that automatically means I’m fucking him?” she asked.

  I leaned back against a wall. “No. I just need to know why you were with him.”

  She laughed. “I was planning on telling you everything, but you know what? I don’t really appreciate you automatically accusing me of sleeping with him.”

  “I didn’t accuse you. I asked.” I was pretty positive that was the wrong thing to say but I was too pissed to care.

  “I’ll talk to you later, Jackson. Have a safe flight,” she said before hanging up. Damn it!

  As soon as I was back in Oklahoma City I got a car to drive me to her apartment. I unlocked the door and walked inside the dark apartment and blindly strode to her bedroom.

  She was asleep so I took the opportunity to take a shower. I tried to collect all of my thoughts while I washed my hair and body. Deep down, I knew that she wouldn’t cheat on me. She had been too damaged by the dipshit she had dinner with to cheat on anyone. I just needed to apologize for accusing her and let her explain what had happened.

  I crawled into bed, pulling her to me. I gently kissed her hair and cheek. She rolled over slightly and I took advantage, kissing her mouth. She put her hands on my chest and pushed me off of her.

  “No, Jackson. You don’t get to say the things you said on the phone and then kiss me like nothing happened.”

  “I’m sorry. Okay? I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have even thought it.”

  “You’re right. If you know me at all, you know I’d never cheat. Ever.”

  I grabbed her hand. The same hand Shane had held earlier today. I pushed that thought away. “Will you please explain to me why you were with him?”

  She narrowed her eyes. “How’d you even know I was with him?”

  “Ray saw the two of you and he sent me pictures.”

  She swallowed noisily. “Pictures, huh?”

  “Yeah and I didn’t like what I saw,” I told her, trying to keep my anger in check.

  “What did you see?” she asked.

  “Him holding this hand,” I said as I squeezed it. “And holding you.”

  She reached up, placing her hand on my cheek. “I’m sure that looked bad but I promise it wasn’t anything like what you thought.”

  “Tell me then.”

  She placed a light kiss on my lips. “Okay. It’s kinda long but I’ll shorten it for you.”

  “Okay.”

  She took an extra-large breath and began. “So, a few months after Shane and I got married, I became pregnant.”

  I swallowed hard. She had been pregnant? What the hell had happened? “What? Why did I not know this?”

  “I never talk about it. I try not to think about it. Anyway, after I lost the baby, that’s when everything changed and Shane became a cheating asshole.” She took another deep breath. “Today, he told me that he started using cocaine after I miscarried and he was so ashamed that he purposely pushed me away. That’s why he cheated and was verbally abusive.”

  I pulled her closer to me. “Vanessa, I really don’t see that as a very good excuse.”

  “I know it doesn’t sound like a very good reason to act like that but I also know how heartbreaking that time was and I believe him. Talking to him today was like talking to the guy I dated and married.”

  “You’re right. I don’t understand what it feels like to lose a baby. I’m sure everyone grieves differently, but I still don’t see turning to cocaine as a good excuse. Plus, you were hurting, too. Was he there for you?” I asked.

  She stroked my cheek. “No, he wasn’t there for me and I’m not saying I forgive him. I’m just explaining what he told me today. I started crying in the middle of the restaurant and that’s why he was hugging me. To calm me down.”

  “If he wasn’t an asshole, you wouldn’t have been crying.”

  “You were an asshole earlier.”

  “True.” I kissed her lips. “Do you forgive me?”

  “Yes. But you better not ever accuse me of cheating on you again. I told him he wasn’t forgiven but I didn’t want to kill him anymore.”

  “I won’t. I promise. Can you do me a favor, though?” I asked.

  “What?”

  “Can you promise me that you won’t see him again? I really don’t trust that guy.”

  “I promise. He told me what he needed to tell me so I don’t think he’ll contact me again.”

  I rolled on top of her. “Good. You know what?”

  “What?” she asked as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

  “I missed you so much.”

  “I may have missed you, too.”

  “May have?” I whispered before biting lightly on her earlobe.

  “Yeah,” she said as a moan escaped her lips.

  I loved that sound coming from her. “You drive me crazy,” I told her.

  “You love it.”

  “You’re right. I do love it.”

  She guided our lips together and kissed me hard. Her tongue invaded my mouth and I forgot all about the pictures and our conversation. All I could think about was showing her how much I loved and missed her.

  Vanessa

  It had been a week since Shane had told me everything about his drug use. It was a lot to take in but at the end of the day, I decided to try and forgive and move on. It wasn’t like I was going to call him up and be best friends with him but in my heart, I decided to forgive him.

  Jackson was playing a home game tonight against Dallas and he would have a week and a half in Oklahoma City before he left again. He would even be home before midnight since it was an early game. I was supposed to wait for him at his house but Amanda and I decided to watch the game at my apartment.

  I picked up my phone from the kitchen counter as it rang. “Hey.”

  “Hey, you,” she said. “I’m on my way home to change but I’ll be over with pizza.”

  “Did you work again today? On a Saturday?” I asked.

  “I really want that promotion so I’m working extra hard.”

  I ambled into my bedroom and dropped onto the bed. I was so tired. “Okay. I’m going to take a quick relaxing bath before you get here then.”

  “Okay. I’ll knock really loud.”

  “Bye,” I said as I ended the call.

  I was so tired that all I wanted was a nice long bath since I couldn’t go to sleep. I poured in the bath salt and bubble bath and waited for the tub to fill up. I looked at myself in the full length mirror attached to the door. I couldn’t believe that I was pregnant again. Even though I wanted to wait until my doctor confirmed it before I told Jackson, I knew I was pregnant. I had only been this exhausted once before. I was having the exact same symptoms with this pregnancy as I’d had with my previous one.

  I sank down in the tub and grabbed my phone, finding some Drake to listen to while I relaxed. I closed my eyes and let the warm water and bath salts calm my mind. I had been stressing about everything lately and I needed to stop worrying and just live in the moment. This wasn’t an easy task for me. I had always been defensive and guarded since I was a child; not worrying seemed crazy to me.

  I opened my eyes to the sound of knocking on my front door. I was pretty sure Amanda hadn’t had ti
me to drive here already but I wasn’t expecting anyone else. I got up as quickly as possible and grabbed my bathrobe from the hook. I flung the door open while finishing tying the belt on my robe as I looked up to see who was at the door.

  “Shane,” I said as I locked eyes with him. I hated to admit it but he looked really good. His hair was a little longer than it had been recently, almost like he used to wear it, and he was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt as opposed to work wear.

  “Hey, I’m sorry to bother you. I guess you were busy.” He gestured to my robe.

  I looked down then back up to him. “Oh, I was just taking a nice relaxing bath before Amanda comes over. We’re watching the Thunder game.”

  “Can I come in? I’ll make this quick.”

  “Sure,” I told him as I stepped to the side, motioning for him to come inside.

  He walked inside but didn’t sit down. “You can sit down.”

  “Umm, thanks,” he said as he ran his hand through his hair and lowered himself onto the couch. I sat down next to him while I made sure my robe was covering everything.

  His hand pulled on his lip as he thought of what he wanted to say. “Okay,” he started as he looked me in the eyes. “This is really bad but I’m really hoping you won’t go back to wanting to kill me again.”

  “Just tell me.”

  “Okay. So I was always looking for drug money and ways to keep you from noticing how much was coming out of our account. And well, one night I stole this.” He stated as he pulled something out of his pocket.

  I looked into his hand. It was my late grandmother’s ring, which was probably worth a lot of money. I knew it had been missing for years but I had never suspected that Shane had taken it. I reached out and took it from him.

  “I’m so sorry, Vanessa. I took it one night while I was strung out. But even when I was strung out, I couldn’t bring myself to pawn it.”

  I looked into his eyes; they were pleading for forgiveness. “I knew it was missing but I… wow, Shane. Do you have anything else you want to tell me? Because now would be a great time.” I said with irritation. I was really trying to remember how I wanted to forgive him.