Accepted Fate

by Charisse Spiers

  "I am, but it'd be so much better if you were there. You sure you don't want to go? I can still call Ryland and tell him you're coming with me. It's not too late." He pulls my earlobe in his mouth and begins kissing down my neck.

  I can't think. My hormones are raging and he's barely touched me. "Breyson. I need you. Please."

  He pulls his head back and looks a little stunned. He looks from the door to me, confused. "Baby."

  "What?" I begin grinding on his lap, trying to get friction over my overly sensitized area.

  "Are you okay?" He begins to harden beneath me.

  "What do you mean?" Getting up, I walk to the door and lock it.

  His eyes widen. "Your mom is downstairs. You know I'm not allowed in your room for long periods of time; especially not with the door shut. As much as I want to, I have a good thing going with your parents and I'm not looking to change it or piss them off."

  Stopping before him, I push his shoulder, laying him down on the bed and climb on top of him. I really need him to quit being high and mighty right now. I need him inside me. He shouldn't have begun kissing me if he didn't want to finish what he started. Maybe it's my hormones fighting back because of his upcoming absence. Maybe it's because he looks incredibly hot right now. Whatever it is, I'm about to get it with his approval or not. My mother never comes in my room. She just calls me from the bottom of the stairs.

  I begin unbuttoning his jeans. "Shut up. I need you. Now. You're about to be gone. Please." I give him the pouty lip that always wins and he places his hands on his face and exhales, shaking his head. His mind and mouth may be trying to fight it, but his body is betraying him. I begin rubbing against him again.

  Removing his hands, I can see in his eyes that I've won. "Screw it. I can't tell you no. I don't know why I even try." He flips me over and my beautiful blue eyed boy gives in, making love to me until time becomes our enemy and we have to go. The next two days are going to be excruciating. Maybe I should have been the one to go with him. Now I have to tell him goodbye at the airport and that never seems to go well with us. Airports have never been our thing.

  Breyson has a grin from ear to ear as he looks at me. I'm guessing he's still feeling the effects of our little bedroom time earlier. It's amazing how much better it can be at the risk of getting caught. We pull into the airport and his parents park the car.

  We make it through security and to the terminal he has to be at to board the plane. I stand back as his parents tell him bye and a surge of nausea hits again. Not now Kinzleigh. Breathe. Deep breaths and maybe it'll pass. I continue trying to breathe and I can feel the vomit entering my esophagus. Crap! Holding my palm over my mouth, I turn looking for a trash can when I spot one a little ways behind me.

  Taking off in a sprint, I make it to the trash can in time to hurl; over and over again. Maybe I have some kind of virus instead of food poisoning. This is freakin' embarrassing. I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my long sleeve tunic when Breyson comes running to where I am. Grabbing my face, he looks me in the eyes. "Baby, what's wrong? Are you sick? I can cancel the trip and stay here. Nothing is worth leaving you sick. Not even the Superbowl."

  His parents are now standing right behind him with a concerned look on their faces. "Kinzleigh, honey are you okay?"

  "Of course. I just woke up with some kind of virus or food poisoning. I'm not sure which. If I don't get better, I'll go see a doctor okay? Don't cancel your trip, I'll be fine, I promise.

  Breyson is staring at me. He looks worried and I can tell he's battling canceling his trip. I look from him to his parents. They are now looking at each other with a look on their faces like they are speaking in some kind of doctor code. Kind of weird but okay. Breyson's mom walks up to him and wraps her arm around his shoulders. "Honey, you go ahead and enjoy yourself. I'm sure Kinzleigh wouldn't want to lose all that money she's spent for you to go. I'll check Kinzleigh out and make sure she's alright. I'll treat her just like I treat y'all when you're sick. Your dad and I will be over here while you say your goodbyes."

  They walk away leaving us to ourselves. "I can stay. I don't have to go Kinzleigh." He pulls in to kiss me and I purse my lips. I love him but there are lines I don't even cross. I refuse to kiss him with vomit breath.

  "Don't be silly. I'll be fine. Don't get too close. I don't want you to get it too." He pulls me in for a hug and holds me tight. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I lay my cheek on his chest and take in his scent. I love the way he smells. It's a good thing I bought his brand of cologne to spray on my pillow at night while he's gone. "I'm going to miss you, Brey." A tear runs down my cheek, making me feel stupid. It's only a day for goodness sakes. This is ridiculous. What is wrong with me?

  He pulls back and kisses me down the center of my face. "I'm going to miss you more. I love you. I'll come over tomorrow night when I get back okay?"

  I laugh and push him away. "Go on. Get out of here. Have fun and take lots of pics for me, yeah?"

  He begins backing towards the terminal. "Always beautiful." Right before he walks through the terminal he holds up his hand for me to see. My anklet is hanging from his fingertips. My heart melts. He kept it. Then I remember..."I love you too," I shout to him and he disappears into the terminal. "Be safe," I mumble to myself and that's when the nausea comes back. Not again. Maybe I should go to the doctor.

  ***

  We pull into Breyson's parents house and his dad gets out but doesn't kill the engine. I'm not sure what we're doing here. I figured they would take me home first. His mom changes to the driver's seat. "Kinzleigh…sweetie. Why don't you come sit up front. We're going for a ride."

  "Okay. Where did you have in mind?" I change seats as instructed.

  "We're going to have a little talk; woman to woman." I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I'm getting in trouble for something but I have no idea what. She pulls out of the drive and begins down the road.

  We're both silent for a good ten minutes before she breaks the silence. "Kinzleigh. I'm going to say something and I want you to take into consideration everything I say okay?" I nod because I can't think of anything to say. I'm too nervous.

  "Kinzleigh I want you to know that I've grown to love you as my own child. I think you're a great kid and I'm glad Breyson met you. I know I'm his mom but this conversation is female to female okay? I won't judge anything you say and I want you to talk to me as if I'm your doctor and you're my patient. During the time we talk, forget I'm Breyson's mom." I'm beginning to get really confused. That is, until she turns into a clinic. One that I recognize by the name listed on the sign; Obstetrics and Gynecology. My hands start shaking. My breaths become short and my heart starts racing uncontrollably. She parks and kills the engine. "Come on, let's go. Trust me okay?"

  We exit the car and she takes me in the side entrance of the building where she uses her key code to get in. We walk up a flight of stairs and into what I assume is her office. The building is dark and no one else is present. "Have a seat honey."

  She takes a seat behind her desk and I sit in one of the chairs in front of it. "I just want to ask you some questions for now. Okay?" I cannot believe I'm even here. I can't breathe and I'm freaking out. Why am I here? Then five little words answered it all. "When was your last period?"

  My eyes go wide and I swear my heart stopped beating. It was like someone hit me over the head with a common sense stick. What scares me more than the question is the answer. I pull out my cell phone and can barely touch the right keys I'm shaking so hard. "December seventeenth was the first day of my last period, I think." A lump forms in my throat as I answer the question. This cannot be happening. How did I not notice I missed a period? This is so unlike me.

  Her face never alters like I expected it to. "How long are your cycles?" She places her arms on top of her desk.

  I place my hands over my face and begin to cry. I can't believe I was this stupid. "Twenty eight days and I've never missed one." That answer opened the flood ga
tes. I'm horrified. My boyfriend's mother is figuring all this out because I was too stupid to.

  She walks over and kneels in front of me, pulling me in her arms to comfort me as I start to get panicky. Maybe this is just a coincidence. "Why don't we be sure before we jump to conclusions? It's February the third so you missed your January period. There are other reasons for a missed period other than the obvious. I'm going to get you to do a test for me okay?"

  "Okay." I look up at her and she stands. She leads me down a corridor into a bathroom and hands me a small, clear cup. I cannot believe my boyfriend's mom now knows without a shadow of a doubt that we have sex. This is the most humiliating thing I've ever been through.

  "I need you to urinate in this cup for me. Make sure you get enough of a sample that the test is accurate. When you get done, place the cup in the window and I'm going to go into the lab and get set up to run the test since it's an off day. When you're done, you can have a seat back in my office and I'll meet you there."

  I shut the door and do as she instructed. I feel like I'm in a bad dream and can't wake up as the climax happens. Is it wrong to pray this is negative? First rule of thumb after this is over: to get on birth control. I don't care what I have to do to hide it from my mom, I'll do it. I'll pay for it myself if I have to. She doesn't believe in birth control because she believes in abstinence, but she also doesn't believe in having a baby out of wedlock either. Not to mention, having a baby for me is not even an option. My cheerleading career is just starting to take off. I can't ever go through this again.

  Sitting in her office, my knee begins bouncing from the nerves and my hands get sweaty. I feel like I've been sitting here for an eternity. This is the most nerve racking situation I've ever gotten myself into. My mother would kill me if she knew what I was doing right now. Not only do I know better, but this will bring so much shame to my family. My mother is loving and caring but very set in her values. She has been beating me over the head with them since I was old enough to understand.

  Breyson's mom finally returns to her office with a sheet of paper in her hand. Her face is void of all expression. She seems to have her poker face on and I can't tell if that is a good or bad thing. I've gotten close to her since Breyson and I have been together, but not close enough to know all of her emotions. She sits down in her chair and looks at me. That's when I see it; pity.

  Shit! My eyes fill completely with tears and they begin pouring out as the wall comes crashing down. "Honey. There is no easy way to say this so I'm just going to rip it off like a band-aid. The results are positive and based on your period, I would say you probably conceived somewhere around New Years, putting you at..." She looks down at a desk calendar on her desk. "Seven or eight weeks. If the first day of your last period was December seventeenth and you have a twenty eight day cycle. You should be by the book. That time line also makes sense with morning sickness."

  I sit here, staring at her, barely processing what she is saying. This is just a dream. This is just a dream. Wake up Kinzleigh. This is just your inner self freaking out for some reason. Wake up! "Kinzleigh. Honey. I know this is a lot to take in, but I need to know you're still with me." She begins walking in front of me and props against her desk, clenching the edge in her hands.

  I begin blinking and realize this isn't a dream. This is very real. That thought shatters me completely. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I thought it felt different but I didn't know. I swear I didn't know. I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me." I'm a blubbering mess and I can't see through the tears streaming down my face. I probably have mascara all over my cheeks. "You probably think I did this on purpose or that I'm a whore. I'm so sorry. I should have been on birth control, but I didn't know how. My mom doesn't support birth control or premarital sex so I relied on him using condoms."

  My eyes go wide as I put two and two together. New Years Eve flashes through my mind and the closet at the ball. It felt different not because he changed condom brands, but because we had sex without one and he didn't pull out. I'm so stupid. We make each other stupid when we're in the heat of passion. This is all my fault. We were lucky enough to get out of this mess that one time in the hospital, which makes it happening again completely my fault. I knew after that close call we needed to be more careful. This is my punishment for being such an idiot. "Of course it felt different because he didn't use one...I'm so sorry," I mumble placing my hands over my face to cover my shame.

  "Kinzleigh." She grabs my wrists and pulls my hands away from my face. "Look at me." I do as she says but I can't hide the guilt and shame that is written all over my face. I haven't even began to think about what this all really means. I'm still in a state of shock. "I could never think you were a whore because you both made a mistake. I'll be honest, I'm not too thrilled about being a grandmother before my son graduates college or walks hand in hand down the aisle, but I've been drilling all of them about safe sex since they were old enough for the birds and the bees talk. Reason being, I do this for a living and see way too many young girls in here, in your situation, because they were not given the facts. You have great parents Kinzleigh and I'm not judging the way they parent so don't misunderstand me, but I see this all the time. Parents are more worried about drilling in their kids' heads not to do it instead of what to do IF they're going to do it. The truth is, in a perfect world, sure I would love for my kids to wait until they get married to have sex, but the reality of that is slim to none. Kids need to know what to do to be safe and protected IF they are going to do it against their parents' best advice. As parents, we can't be there to watch you twenty four, seven. If you want to have sex, you're going to find a way. That's the nature of teenagers. I'd be willing to bet my paycheck that you were a virgin before you met my son. Am I right?"

  I nod in response but can't say anything. "As a mother, I'm disappointed in you both, but I'm more disappointed in him because he knew better. His father and I have both talked with them all. I knew he wasn't innocent before you. I'm not stupid, but I'm glad he found you. You've settled him down significantly. You're a good girl Kinzleigh and I couldn't ask for anyone better for my son. If I have to be in this situation with him, I'm glad he has enough wits about himself to pick a girl with values and morals. It really makes a mother proud. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes. Yours and his, well it's just a permanent one; one that I'm sure will change from a mistake to a hiccup or unintentional accident later on down the road once it's here. A child is never a mistake, even if it comes during an unplanned time. If I didn't believe that with all of my heart, I wouldn't do this for a living. Now that I've spoken to you as his mother, I'm speaking to you as your doctor. I want us to do an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. It's going to be uncomfortable since I'm guessing you've never had one before..." She raises her brow and I shake my head to answer her question.

  "If you're uncomfortable with me doing either, I can refer you to one of my partners, but I would prefer for us to do them today to ensure everything looks normal; either way it's your choice. The sooner you get prenatal care, the better." This is too much to process in one day. What am I going to tell Breyson? I can't think about any of that right now. I need to get this over with so I can get out of here. This place is giving me anxiety. I need time to cope with all of this.

  "Let's just get this over with. It can't possibly be any worse than my boyfriend's mom knowing we have sex and discovering I was pregnant before I did." I stand and she wraps her arm around me and rubs up and down my arm.

  "Your secret is safe with me until you're ready to tell someone, okay? Right now, I'm your doctor not your boyfriend's mom. I need you to remember that. Come on. Let's go see if we can get a heartbeat."

  We walk into a small room with a table covered in a plastic paper beside a computer screen. She hands me a robe and paper blanket, instructing me to remove my bottoms in the connecting bathroom. "I will go ahead and just do your pelvic exam in here so we don't use an extra room. Clearly, I have no staff today since it's Saturday
. We will get your blood work done next week."

  I sit on the edge of the table as she boots up the computer screen. Watching her, she takes a long stick looking device and covers it with a condom. "This is a vaginal ultrasound. The baby is too small to see with an abdominal one, so this is the route we have to go." My nerves are running wild as she places my feet in the stirrups and scoots my bottom to the edge of the table. I close my eyes trying to think about something else. I feel uncomfortable and violated, even though I know this is standard procedure. "You're going to feel a little pressure."

  In a split second, it enters my body. Just breathe. Think happy thoughts. Think about Breyson. Just like that, I'm taken to my happy place. Those beautiful blue eyes consume my memories and his handsome face. I can hear her clicking keys on the keyboard as the device shifts from side to side inside me, but I tune it out. I don't want to look. I play our time together through my mind like a silent movie.

  Just when I'm starting to relax, a whooshing sound fills the room followed by a heartbeat, causing me to snap my eyes open. She has turned on the overhead television screen for me to be able to see. I was in no way prepared for what was on that screen. It was a big black spot with what looked like a little peanut connected to one side on the inside of that spot. Right in the center of said peanut was a flittering dot. "Is that it?"

  "That's it. It's small but it's very much alive. Take good care of it." She begins pointing and explaining what each thing represents. I'm stunned speechless. We made that. I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of this. I don't want to think about it right now because I know I will get upset and take away from this moment but it's beautiful. "We were pretty close. Looks like you're due on or around September twenty third with a New Years Eve conception."

  She hits some button and something spits out what sounds like a printer. She hands me a strip of photos of what was just on the screen. I can't stop looking at it. This is our baby. What am I supposed to do? This changes everything. This wasn't supposed to happen.