Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)

by John P. Logsdon

  Everyone nodded.

  “So just the guards, then.”

  Kone looked around. “Okay, how long?”

  “One day should be fine.”

  “What are you two talking about?” asked Bledstone.

  Bonk. Bonk.

  Both Bledstone and Johnson fell down in a heap.

  “Ooops,” said Kone. “I fink I did about a week.”

  “And our friend in white here?”

  “Nope,” said Kone. “I not knock his head. He a friend and I promised I not hurt him.”

  “Fine,” said Modacio and then motioned everyone to move to the chairs.

  They moved to sit down as the Dark Halfling lifted the key to the main gate from Mr. White’s suit.

  “Please don’t move,” Modacio said with a wink. “I would certainly hate for anything bad to happen to any of you.”

  “You truly are a horrible person,” said Bob.

  “Probably true, Bob,” Modacio said with a shrug. “Sometimes we have to do things in order to save our own skins. Sadly, that may mean we have to do bad things to others. It’s nothing personal, I assure you. Well, maybe a little personal. I do enjoy a fine heist, after all. Mostly, though, I’m currently more fond of keeping my head than I am of returning your hand.”

  Bob grunted at that.

  He watched as the three of them exited the gate and then, once the clicking sound of the lock latching into place sounded, he turned toward the man in the white suit.

  “I’m assuming you have another key?”

  “It’s inside,” he answered, “but she said not to move.”

  “Fine, I’ll get it myself,” Bob said. “Just tell me where it is.”

  The man seemed conflicted. “Normally the help would be available for things like this, but I sent them home after your Ogre friend arrived…just in case, you know?”

  “Not really.”

  “I don’t know how wise it is to move, Mr. White,” said a woman who was dressed in sequins. “That woman with the blade seemed rather serious about our staying put.”

  “Come on, you dolt,” said Perkder to Mr. White, stepping between him and the woman who’d just warned him. “The man’s hand is at stake, here!”

  “But she sounded quite threatening,” Mr. White said, leaning to the side and nodding at the rest of the wealthy party-goers.

  “Oh, that’s it, is it?” said Perkder, removing his wig and showing his normal dark hair. “I’m generally an easygoing Dwarf. I like to make people happy, you know? But sometimes I let the actual Dwarf in me come out. When that happens, somebody usually gets hurt.” He turned menacingly toward the man in the white suit. “Now, I’m either going to let the Dwarf in me come out or you’re going to tell me where the damn key is. Which is it going to be?”

  GETTING TO FLAYMTAHK

  I know you’re carrying a bit of extra weight in your undercarriage, Grubby,” said Modacio, worried that the others would be hot on their tail, “but can’t you go any faster?”

  “I’ve got short legs, lady!”

  “Kone?”

  “No, no, no,” said Grubby, but it was too late. Kone had swept him up and they were moving at full speed toward the pier. “Why don’t you pick her up, too, you big oaf?”

  “‘Cause she faster dan me,” said Kone, and then added, “and listen, Grubby, I know you got a problem, and I are not making no fun of dat…but please don’t poop on me.”

  “I don’t have any damn problem,” Grubby replied with a growl.

  Modacio could have just gone to the pier that was outside of the house, and that’s exactly what she would have done if it weren’t for the fear that trying to find a captain who would skipper them across to the island of lava this late at night would prove futile. By moving up the coast a bit, she could try a few different options before the Zombie and the Dwarf caught up with them.

  She also didn’t want to get too close to the guard station at the top of the hill. Another stint in jail simply wouldn’t do.

  Looking down one of the ramps, she saw a man sitting on the back of a little boat. She slid to a halt, yelling for Kone to stop and follow her.

  The man squinted up at them as they strolled up. Though the lighting in the area was somewhat dim, there was a nice beam that was shinning right on the guy. He looked as though the name “Grubby” would be more suited to him than it was to the Dark Halfling. He had mussy hair, a scruffy beard, and leathery skin. In one hand was a half-empty bottle of booze. In the other hand was a completely empty bottle of booze.

  “Whatcher want?” he asked with a slur.

  “We need to get to Flaymtahk Island,” said Modacio.

  The man sat up a bit, though he continued to wobble slightly. “What fer?”

  “Personal business,” Modacio countered. “But we have money.”

  “So do I,” said the man and then he took a swig from the bottle. “I just don’t look li…li…like it.”

  “Well, I’m sure—”

  “You see that how…how…house up on the hill?” He was pointing toward a gigantic white house that had so many levels that it looked like a small hotel in Dakmenhem. “That belongs to me…me…me brother.”

  Grubby turned his head to look up at Kone. “Can you please let me down now?”

  “Oh, sorry,” said Kone, putting the Dark Halfling on the ground. “Fanks for not poo—”

  “Shut up, already! I don’t have a problem!” Grubby brushed himself off and then looked at the drunk man. “So you’re saying that your brother has money.”

  “What’s his is mi…mi…mine,” said the drunk, “and what’s mine is…hmmm…mine, too, I guess. He don’t wa…want nothin’ of mine. Says it ain’t worth much. But it’s mine and so I say that’s good enough fer me!”

  He took another deep pull from the bottle and squinted at Grubby. “Why are you blue?”

  “Is this your boat?” Modacio asked, interrupting the drunk’s train of thought.

  “Nope,” the man said, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. “Me brother’s.”

  “I fought dat mean it yours too,” Kone said, looking confused and scratching his buttocks.

  The man peered up at the Ogre. “You know what? Yer…yer…huge!”

  “Yep, I know dat.”

  “But yer also right! It is my boat…kinda.”

  “Then will you take us to Flaymtahk?”

  “I would be happy to doo…doo—”

  “I would prefer you didn’t,” said Grubby with a grimace.

  “Maybe you oughta give him one of your diapers, Grubby,” Kone suggested.

  Grubby just glared at the Ogre.

  “I don’t know what yer talkin’ ‘bout,” the man said, frowning. “I thought you wanted me to bring you some…place.”

  “He simply misunderstood you, sir,” said Modacio. “We would love for you to take us to the island.”

  “Norm…normally, I would be fine with that. But, there’s this…thing that you do…don’t know.”

  “What’s dat, mister?” asked Kone.

  The man burped and said, “I don’t know how to guide a boat.”

  “I do,” said Modacio.

  “Oh, well, then there ya go!”

  He put the empty bottle down, stepped off the boat, took two steps, and then fell flat on his face, smashing the other bottle in the process.

  Grubby grunted and said, “Well, may as well take the boat.”

  Nobody argued, but Kone picked the man up and propped him gently against a wall before they hopped aboard. Kone then snagged the oars from the sides and started rowing them out to sea.

  “Too bad we don’t have a motor,” noted Grubby, peering over the edge of the boat.

  “Agreed,” said Modacio, settling down in a leather chair near the front. “Hopefully none of the other boats do either.”

  WHAT HAPPENED?

  Mr. White sat on the bench by the two guards as they finally came around. He had sent all of the other guests home for the night, te
lling them to remember to keep their word about not saying anything to anyone and explaining that he would come up with a story solid enough to fool the two disabled guards. The last thing he wanted was for those thieves to come back to exact revenge on him due to someone having loose lips.

  The knock that the Ogre had given each of them on the head didn’t look that hard, but he supposed that any impact from a fist that large would cause some damage.

  “What happened?” said Bledstone, squinting through scrunched eyes.

  Mr. White thought about this for a moment. Could it have been true that the Ogre was able to erase their memories with a bonk to the head?

  “What do you remember?” asked Mr. White with pursed lips.

  Bledstone was up on one elbow now, rubbing his head. “Last I remember, I was helping Miss Wedlow pick out some vegetables. She’s been a bit ill of late. It was the middle of the day, I think.” He didn’t look too sure as he glanced at the sky. “Then…I woke up here.”

  “Hmmm,” said Mr. White, nodding.

  “Where am I?” said Johnson with a groan. Then he looked up and added, “Mr. White, is that you?”

  “It is, my dear boy,” said Mr. White. “What’s the last thing you recall?”

  “Not much, sir. I was going to bed, so it was around noon.”

  “Bed at noon?”

  “Yes, sir. I work the night shift most of the time.”

  “Ah, yes, right. Go on.”

  “Well, I was about to put my head on the pillow and then I woke up here.” Johnson shook his head lightly. “I remember having a headache when I was going to bed, though.”

  “This is all very interesting, indeed,” said Mr. White, thinking it might be best to keep his cards close to his vest.

  To have an Ogre around with such power could prove quite useful to his normal, well, adventures. He wasn’t sure if all Ogres had this particular skill or not, but he made a mental note to look into the possibility at some point.

  “What happened to you both is just as much a mystery to me as it is to you, officers.”

  Mr. White then recalled all of the stories he’d heard regarding alien abductions and the like over the last couple of years. Eying these two, he felt assured that they’d be gullible enough to believe anything he told them.

  “I saw a bright light in the sky,” he said, carefully. “A disk-shaped object, somewhat metallic in nature. It was absolutely silent. I wouldn’t have even known it was there were it not for the interesting array of lights it had bandying about its hull. They caught my eye as I was sitting outside having a cup of tea.” The two men’s eyes were wide with fright. “Suddenly a brilliant beam of white light shone down on this area of my courtyard. It stayed alight for about ten seconds and then disappeared. The craft moved off over toward the sea, slowly at first, and then it zipped away before I had time to even blink. I walked over to this spot and found you two lying here unconscious.”

  Johnson audibly gulped. Bledstone just gazed out toward the sky over the sea.

  “You don’t think they did those…things to us like the stories all say, do you?” asked Johnson worriedly.

  “Things?”

  “You know,” he said, gulping again, “liking sticking things in us.”

  “Ah, that I couldn’t say, young man. You appear to be sitting comfortably, though.”

  “Hmmm? Oh, no, not that, Mr. White. I meant needles and the like.”

  “Oh, yes, of course, you mean those stories. Well, I suppose you’d need to see a physician to clarify that, wouldn’t you?”

  “I guess so,” Johnson replied, his eyes dropping to the ground.

  “A flying saucer?” Bledstone said in disbelief. Then he smiled. “A real flying saucer picked us up? We’ll be the talk of the town, Johnson.”

  “We will?”

  “Think about it. We’ll be celebrities. Everyone will want to hang out with us. Isn’t that right, Mr. White?”

  “As you say,” Mr. White said, thinking how he would have to bribe the guards at the main tower to accept the story as stated so that nobody would be the wiser. “You’ll be the talk of the town.”

  THE BOAT

  Bob and Perkder had looked everywhere for the three thieves, but they were nowhere to be found. There were so many boats in the area that they could have been hiding anywhere. But that made little sense to Bob. Why would they be hiding? It made more sense that they’d be getting to the island.

  “They’re already gone,” Bob said finally, as Perkder came back into view, returning from his search of the smaller boats.

  “We need a boat,” said Perkder in agreement.

  All the boats were dark, except one, and its light was pretty dim. Taking a chance, Bob and Perkder walked over and knocked on the side of the boat.

  “Hello?” called Perkder. “Anybody home?”

  A set of eyes appeared in the window where the light was. It was a man of middle years, if Bob was any judge. He opened the door.

  “What can I do ya for?” said the man, looking them both over carefully.

  “We’re looking for passage to the island.”

  “Flaymtahk?” said the man.

  “Yes,” replied Bob.

  The man yawned and stretched. “Why would a sharp dressed man and his daughter want to go to Flaymtahk Island?”

  Bob and Perkder looked at each other for a moment. Then they both nodded and whispered, “Wizard.”

  “Hmmm?”

  “Nothing, sir,” said Bob, “it’s just that my, uh, daughter here is doing an experiment for school and it requires an element from the island. Since everyone knows it’s safer to go to the island at night—”

  “It is?”

  “Most assuredly,” said Bob as if he were an expert on the subject. “Going during the day is lunacy.”

  “Never heard of that,” said the man while stretching. “Either way, I suppose I can take you two over there, if you really have need, but it ain’t free.”

  “How much?” said Perkder.

  The man nearly jumped. “Your daughter’s got a pretty deep voice there, mister.”

  “How much?” repeated Perkder.

  “Two silver should do it.”

  Bob dug into his pocket and pulled out a few coins, but then realized that they were Underworld coins. He showed them to Perkder who waved at him to put them away. Bob did. Perkder pulled out a couple of his own and handed them over.

  “Excellent,” said the man, who was now all smiles. “My name is Yeb C. Lubb, but my friends call me Yeb, or Lubb, or Y.C.L., or Y-Clubb, or Clubb, or—”

  “Yeb will do,” Bob interrupted. “I’m Bob and this is Perkder.”

  “Nice to meet fine people,” the man said with a wink. “Now we just need a means of propulsion.”

  “What?”

  “My rowers don’t start work for another couple of hours.”

  “Then why’d you agree to take us at night?”

  “I didn’t. I just said that I could take you two over there. You were the ones talking about the whole night thing.”

  “It was rather implied that we need to go at night, though.”

  Yeb shrugged and gave an innocent look.

  “Libby dee, Yebby C!” a voice called out.

  Bob turned and saw the wizard that had been up at the guard station.

  “Hey, Red,” said Yeb. “Good to see ya!” Then he turned back to Bob and said, “Forgot about that one. You can call me Yebby C, too.”

  “Nook dook a bang bing,” the wizard was saying, wagging a finger at Bob and Perkder.

  “You’re fugitives?” Yeb said, looking shocked.

  “You can understand him?” asked Bob, looking more shocked.

  “We go way back.”

  “Ah. Well, no, we’re not fugitives.”

  “Nook dook a bang bing,” Red said again, crossing his arms.

  “No, we’re not,” Bob replied, assuming he was still calling them fugitives. “The Human, the Dark Halfling, and the
Ogre are the fugitives.”

  “What are you talking about?” said Yeb with a squint. “There ain’t no such thing as Ogres and Dark Halflings.”

  “Iwablip dah stone stone,” Red said before turning to give Bob a sharp look.

  “Right, sorry…uh…that’s just what we call them because one is short and one is tall and they’re both thieves.”

  “Gotcha,” said Yeb.

  “And we’re chasing them now, which is why we need your boat.”

  “You and your daughter are chasing fugitives?”

  Bob gummed his lip for a moment and then said, “Yes.”

  “What about the school project?”

  “That was a ruse.”

  “Ah,” said the man. “And what’s a ruse?”

  “We were trying to trick you.”

  “That’s not nice.”

  “Sorry. Look, we need to get over there. It’s literally a matter of life and death. Can you help us or not?”

  “Gebble ding sleppy doo?” the wizard said to Bob.

  Bob whispered, “I honestly don’t know what you’re saying, sir, but the truth is that those thieves have my hand and if they drop it in the wrong pit of lava, I’ll die.”

  “Ahhh…nord gude.”

  Yeb was looking them over again during the conversation. He was grunting and mumbling something to himself.

  Master Wizard Redler gave Bob one more glance and then stepped up to Yeb while jingling his purse. “Derby roo ard onda curptuh ordee nook dook a bang bing.”

  “Reward, eh?” Yeb said. “How much we talking?”

  “Hmmm…ord…mebbe dwo glayd.”

  Yeb’s eyes opened wide enough that they nearly added light to the area. “One or two gold?”

  “Mebbe.”

  “I’ll do it!”

  “What about the rowers?” Perkder asked.

  “Yeah,” said Yeb, snapping his fingers. “That’s a problem.”

  “Hmmm.” Red pushed them all out of the way and looked over the boat. He knelt down and rapped a few times against the hull. Then he stood up and said “Hmmm” a few more times before finally snapping his fingers. “Ooh hoo! Pred coob dah sip sip a zoom zoom.”