Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)
Page 49
“A motor? On my boat?” The captain of the vessel scratched at the back of his neck. “Sounds dangerous.”
“Mebbe.”
“I don’t know,” Yeb said, looking unsure.
Everyone stood silently for a moment.
“No nook dook a bang bing, no glayd,” Red pointed out.
“Yeah, I know,” said Yeb. “I could really use that glayd…erm…gold, too.” He sighed heavily and put his hands up in the air. “Fine, fine. You can put a motor on the boat. Just promise me you won’t sink us, yeah?”
“Mebbe.”
FLAYMTAHK
Grubby had just finished sending his latest report to Teggins when the heat of the island began to hit the boat. He hadn’t really put much thought into how they were going to handle the temperatures. It was an island of lava and volcanoes, after all.
Modacio was still standing at the front of the boat and she didn’t seem all that worried about the rising heat.
Kone had been singing from the moment he put the oars in the water. Grubby assumed that it had something to do with keeping his cadence. Surprisingly, the oaf had a pretty decent voice, and his diction wasn’t marred even slightly as he sang the words. It reminded him of how some cultures had massive accents while talking, but seemingly none when singing.
Go!
We find ourselves in the row.
Go!
Our pirating, ho ho ho!
Go!
The water dips and dives.
Go!
The waves! They give me the hives!
There were apparently enough verses to keep a crew singing for hours because Kone hadn’t repeated himself once since they’d left port. Of course, most of the verses made little to no sense, but few rowing songs did. Where he’d learned the song was beyond Grubby, and frankly the Dark Halfling didn’t really care. But even he had to admit that having the constant chant had helped the time pass. Once or twice he’d even caught himself mumbling “Go!” along with the Ogre.
“Okay, Kone,” Modacio shouted, “cut the singing. We’re almost there.”
“Aye, aye, Cap’n!”
Modacio cracked her neck from side to side, gave Grubby a funny look, and then announced, “Three more pulls ought to hit us onto the beach. Hold on.”
The boat came to a halt, jolting its passengers in the process.
Grubby righted himself while smelling the stench of something in the air. Sulfur, maybe? Methane? He looked at Kone suspiciously. That smell hadn’t been there before.
“Wasn’t me,” said Kone, as if knowing what Grubby was thinking.
“It was me,” said Modacio, rubbing her stomach. “The sea gives me the wind something fierce.”
Kone and Grubby shared an “ew” moment.
“Let’s go,” Modacio commanded, jumping over the edge of the boat and into the knee-deep water.
Kone picked up Grubby without even asking, jumped in, and then set him on dry land. Whether Grubby wanted to be irritated at being picked up or not, he couldn’t argue that being on dry land was more suitable than being wet. Then again, at least being wet would have helped cool him off.
“According to my studies, we just have to get past this first set of stones and the heat will dissipate. Something to do with how The Twelve created the place.”
They followed her past the stone and, sure enough, it began to get a little cooler. After another hundred feet or so, it was actually quite pleasant.
“Here we are,” Modacio said, motioning toward three lava pits. “One of these is our ticket to riches.”
“Which one?”
Modacio didn’t answer. She just started unpacking her supplies, setting each element down and carefully twisting off their respective tops. She then unfolded a piece of paper and pointed at it and each of the items in front of her.
“Everything is in order,” she said, standing back up.
“So which one is the right pit?”
“You already asked me that.”
“And you didn’t answer me.”
“Correct.”
CATCHING UP
They’d gotten across to the island very quickly, due to the magical motor that Master Wizard Redler had installed. When they’d pulled up to shore, Yeb hand-cranked a ramp into position and they all began to file out.
“I’ll stay here,” announced Yeb. “No point in me going near that lava.”
Bob turned around and said, “I’d rather you joined us. I wouldn’t want to be stranded here, after all.”
“Are you questioning my ethics, sir?”
“Plet snip snap chebbeh.”
“Well, sure, you can question my ethics, Red, but I know you. I don’t know this guy.”
“Don’t think of it as me questioning your honor, Yeb,” said Bob smoothly. “Think of it as me not knowing you very well as yet.” Then Bob looked at Red and said, “Besides, it would be nice to have someone to help translate.”
“And there’ll be two more silver in it for you, if you do,” added Perkder.
“Oh, well, why didn’t you say so?”
They moved past the rocks with Red in the lead. Bob couldn’t explain why, especially since he was from the Underworld—where magic was a thing of abnormality—but he was glad that the little wizard had joined them. He made Bob feel safe, or at least protected.
At the bottom of the ravine stood the three thieves.
Kone was holding Bob’s dismembered hand as Modacio snapped off a finger, making Bob wince, even from this distance. She then dropped the finger into an iron pot and started pouring the contents of other containers on top of it.
“We have to stop them,” said Perkder, picking up his pace as they moved down the hill.
Bob was the last one to arrive, being that he’d simply fall to pieces (literally) if he lost his footing. Fortunately, the splint that Perkder had built for his leg was still holding up. He’d need it on for probably another week at least before he could resume walking normally.
“Stop!” commanded Perkder.
Modacio ignored him, continuing instead to work on whatever it was she was doing with Bob’s finger.
Grubby pulled out a blade and took two steps toward Perkder, who, in turn, froze in place.
“Oh, hi again, you guys!” Kone said happily. “We was just getting ready to do dat boner stuff wif your hand, weren’t we, Grubby?”
“For the love of The Twelve,” said Grubby, pinching his nose at the top, “do you ever shut up?”
Kone frowned. “You not nice, Grubby.”
“No, I’m not.”
Red stepped up and pointed. “Nook dook a bang bing.”
“Right, we know,” Bob said as he finally reached the bottom of the hill. “That’s why we’ve been following them. They stole my hand.”
“A deal is a deal,” said Kone. “Ain’t dat right, Modacio?”
She grunted in reply, keeping her eyes on the paper in front of her.
“There was no deal,” Bob said frantically. “I never wanted you to have my hand. It fell off me because I was trying to get away from you!”
“But at dat party you said der was a deal.”
“That’s only because your Dark Halfling friend here had a knife up against my friend’s neck.”
Kone frowned. “Dat true, Grubby?”
“He’s lying,” said Grubby. “You know how Zombie’s lie.”
“Oh, right,” Bob said, sarcastically. “We lie all the time.”
“Dat true, too, Grubby?”
“Unless he’s lying again,” said Grubby. “Never can tell with Zombies.”
“Hmmm.”
“Kone,” said Perkder, stepping up. “You seem relatively smart.”
“Seriously?” said Grubby.
“Yep, mister. I are.”
“You also seem to be pretty nice.”
“My ma raised me right, dat’s why.”
“Your ma, eh?” said Perkder with a wink toward Bob. “I can’t imagine your ma would ever wa
nt you to do anything to purposefully hurt anyone, would she?”
“Nope. She’d tan my hide, she would.”
“If they put that hand in the wrong lava, Kone, do you know what will happen to Bob?”
“What?”
“He’ll die,” said Perkder seriously.
“Don’t listen to him,” Grubby said tersely. “He’s lying too.”
Kone looked at Grubby and then back at Perkder and then back at Grubby. “Yer sayin’ dat Dwarfs lie, too?”
“All the time. That’s why they get along so well with Zombies.”
“Uwar bunka melroons,” Red stated, folding his arms.
“He just called you all a bunch of morons,” said Yeb, seemingly pleased to have something to contribute.
“I know what him said,” said Kone. “And I are not no moron.”
“Nep doo,” Red said, waving dismissively at Kone. “Dem.”
“He said that you’re not a moron, but the rest of them are.”
“Who you calling a moron?” Grubby said, taking a step toward the wizard.
That’s when Bob saw it. Perkder was about to make his move. One instant he was standing just out of reach, but the next he’d launched himself full force, head first into Grubby’s side. The blade was knocked free from the Dark Halfling’s grip, landing a few feet away in a splash of lava, where it was instantly consumed.
Bob took two steps toward Modacio, but she swiftly pulled out a blade of her own and pointed it directly at Bob, not once taking her eyes from the paper she was reading. He backed away.
“Somefing don’t feel right about all dis, Modacio,” said Kone. “Dey seem awfully angry about stuff. Ain’t deals supposed to be good on all sides?”
“Not always, Kone,” she said irritably. “Just keep them in check while I finish, will you please? I only have to put in the secret ingredient, the final step, and I’ll be ready to put this in the pit.”
“What if dis guy is right? What if you put it in da wrong pit? What happens?”
“He’ll die,” she said, obviously too consumed by what she was reading.
“He’ll die?”
“Um-hmm,” she replied, and then stopped and peered up with an “uh oh” look on her face.
“You not tell me dat before, Modacio,” Kone said seriously. “You know I don’t go in fer killin’ nobody. Dat wasn’t in our plan.”
“What I meant wasn’t that he’d really die, Kone,” she said, backtracking. “I mean that his hand will die. Yeah, that’s what I meant.”
“I fink you’re lying, Modacio,” Kone replied, looking unhappy. “I fink bof you and Grubby are da ones really lying to me. I fink dat da Zombie and da Dwarf is tellin’ da truth.”
“A deal is a deal?” she replied hopefully as Kone’s monster of a fist came down and bonked her on top of the head, causing her to fall straight down while dropping the contents of her container.
As Kone walked over and picked up Grubby, bonking him on the head, too, Bob watched as the container that held a piece of his hand began to roll toward the lava pit.
He moved far too swiftly for a Zombie to safely move, but he had little choice. If that container went into the pit, he’d be dead in an instant.
“Bob, no!” yelled Perkder, but it was too late.
Bob had pushed himself up onto a rock and was ready to leap toward the container.
That’s when the splint cracked and fell off, causing his leg to snap again.
He fell sideways into a large pit of lava on the other side.
A moment later he was completely submersed in a pool of fire.
WHOLE AGAIN
As he lay in lava, Bob fully expected that everything would come to an end. He would burn up in a flash, and that would be that.
But he didn’t feel any burning sensation at all. There was a bit of a tingle, and then he felt something really odd: strength. He hadn’t felt much in the way of strength for years.
He gripped his good hand. It was strong. It felt normal!
Pushing himself to a seated position, he saw the faces of everyone. Perkder, Red, Yeb, and Kone were all gazing at him in horror.
“Why aren’t you dead?” said Yeb.
“You look different, Bob,” said Perkder. “Like you’re not really fully a Zombie anymore.”
“Blay beck dwan, qark!”
“What?”
“He said to lay back down, quickly,” said Yeb, shocked.
“Doo et!”
Bob didn’t need that translated. He merely took a deep breath and lay himself back in the lava. Again, it didn’t hurt. Not even slightly. If anything, it felt amazing.
He felt a splash and then something moved to attach to the end of his arm. It was his other hand. Obviously it had not made it into the pit as Bob had assumed. Life soon pulsed in it as well, causing him to fill with joy.
The Zombieism was being healed!
It was a miracle.
He would be able to help all of the Zombies throughout Ononokin to get their normal lives back. He would have his normal life back. No more taunts. No more fear. No more buying cases of deodorant and scented candles!
Finally, after what seemed like hours, he heard an audible “Ding.”
He sat up again, and then, with a strength he’d not recalled since his youth, he jumped up and stepped out of the pool. Everyone backed away, looking at him in utter shock.
“What the hell is going on?” asked Yeb.
“Hmmm,” said Red. “Himma gorta freget allbootdis.”
“Why do I have to forget?”
Kone walked over and bonked Yeb on the head. “Der. Him won’t remember nuffin’ dat happened tonight.”
“Hmmm,” said Red, looking up at Kone. “Useful.”
“Yerp.”
“Bob,” Perkder said, his eyes flashing with joy, “you’re healed. I mean, completely healed. You’re no longer a Zombie!”
Bob was beside himself with happiness. He felt wonderful. He reached up and touched his face and his hair. It was all back. There was even a full set of teeth in his mouth as he ran his tongue over them. He could blink!
“I don’t believe it,” he said, smiling genuinely for the first time in years. “This is amazing.”
They laughed and danced around, hopping and laughing. Even Red and Kone joined in on the merriment.
It was then that Bob noted that Modacio and Grubby were stirring from Kone’s bonking.
He stopped dancing. “What about them?”
“Hmmm,” Red said, his smile fading. “Nook dook a bang bing.”
And that’s when Kone told the story of how they all got up here and why Modacio was doing what it was she was doing.
A NEW LIFE
The boat was quickly zooming back toward Lesang as Perkder took the helm and steered it along. Bob was standing up next to him, feeling the mist of the ocean spattering across his face.
Red was talking with Yeb, feeding him a bunch of information about what had happened. Kone seemed to be okay with the little lies being fed to the sea captain, which Bob assumed meant that Kone understood the need for secrecy regarding the Underworld.
At the back of the boat, Modacio was sitting with Grubby. They were gazing into each other’s eyes like a couple of love birds. It was a bit unnerving, truth be told.
“I thought you couldn’t make anyone fall in love with magic?” Bob said to Red as Yeb went into the cabin.
“Whedee gert det?”
“Him said, ‘Where’d ya get dat?’,” said Kone, who appeared quite adept at understanding Red’s odd language.
“I don’t know,” answered Bob. “All the fairy tales from the Underworld say that about magic. Of course, we’re also told that magic is evil and scary and all that.”
“Wep…derts messly trood.”
“Him said—”
“I got that one,” Bob answered with a smile as he moved down close to Kone and Red, lowering his voice. “But what about the contract on Modacio’s head?”
Bob blinked a few times and looked at Kone questioningly.
“Not sure, but I fink dat he’s saying dat nobody is going to bother wif dem up here. Not worth da risk.”
“Yerp.”
“Ah, but won’t they know he’s a Dark Halfling?”
Kone held up a finger to stop Red before he started. “I got dis one,” he said. “Red made dem fink der bof Human. Dey also don’t know dat dey was thieves. Red’s gonna set dem up to live in Lesang in peace. Nobody gonna know what der deal is, especially dem.”
“But he’s blue.”
“Oxergeen oodleboop.”
“Him have a breaving problem,” said Kone, smiling. “Him not get enough oxergen. Make him blue looking.”
“Kind of seems like they’re getting a good deal for being criminals,” Bob said, feeling somewhat unnerved. “They could have killed me.”
“Din vrooory! Dell ber clenin der shat as ere leevin.”
“What?”
“Him said not to worry ‘cause dey bof fink dat der jobs is to clean up crap for living.”
“What?”
Yeb had returned and he was rubbing his temples.
“Dem gonna clean up crap,” Kone repeated.
“I heard you,” Bob replied, “I just don’t understand what that’s got to do with them paying for breaking the law.”
“Criminals in Lesang work in the sewers,” Yeb explained. “It’s their penance. Wizards like Red here cast a spell on them so that they actually love the job. They don’t know it’s a bad thing, really, but everyone else does. Kind of sick, if you ask me, but then again, I float around on a boat all day, so what do I know?”
Bob smiled.
“What about Kone?” Perkder asked.
“Red asked me to work wif him on stuff. Promised it’d be honest stuff, too, not stuff like Modacio did.”
“That’s great, Kone,” Bob said, and he genuinely felt that way. Through all of what had happened, Bob never felt that the Ogre had a bad bone in his body. He was merely tricked into believing that what he was doing was all part of a deal.