Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)

by John P. Logsdon

  Gappy had never seen an Orc who looked like this one. He was the same shade of green as most Orcs, and he had those jutting teeth that were very tusk-like, and he had that flat nose with the wide nostrils, but this one wasn’t wearing the standard garb that seemed to define Orcish fashion. This one was wearing a collared pull-over shirt, khaki trousers, and neatly decorated brown leather boots. Also, instead of the standard shaved head or pointed hairstyle that was another common Orc theme, this one had medium length hair, parted on the side. In a word, he didn’t look fierce. If anything, he looked friendly.

  “Oh, hey, little guy,” the Orc said with a genuine smile. “Almost didn’t see you there. Name’s Shrit. Careful how you say that, though.”

  “Shi…”

  “No,” Shrit said with a raised eyebrow, “not Shi… It’s Shrit. Make sure not to leave out the ‘r’ in that.”

  “Right. My name’s Gappy.”

  “Gappy, eh? Good name for a Gnome. Sounds industrious.”

  “It does?”

  Shrit pulled the chair out and spun it around so that he was sitting the wrong way on it. It reminded Gappy of how his father used to sit on the little chair in his office whenever talking about old times. There was usually a mug of ale involved when those reminiscent talks had taken place.

  “You the writer?” Shrit asked. “No, wait. You’re the director, aren’t you?”

  “The director?”

  “Ah, I got it,” Shrit shot back, snapping his fingers. “The producer, right?”

  “I don’t think so,” said Gappy, feeling confused.

  “Another actor then, eh?” Shrit said with a nod. “We gotta stick together, pal. Ain’t easy being an actor. Well, I guess you already know that.”

  “I’m not an actor,” Gappy said.

  Shrit sat up quickly, turning a darker shade of green. “Casting? Is this the casting room. Crap, I blew it again, didn’t I?”

  “Wait a second,” said Gappy while waving his hands. “You’ve got it all wrong. I’m just here looking for a friend.”

  “Oh, thank goodness,” the Orc said dramatically, letting out a huge sigh. “I guess I came into the wrong room or something.”

  “You mean you’re not the Orc that I’m supposed to be interviewing for the friend job?”

  “What?” Shrit said and then glanced around quickly. He started shaking his head and then grimaced and closed his eyes. “Dammit,” he grunted. “Looks like my agent did it to me again.”

  “Did what?” asked Gappy.

  “He told me to come into the back of this building and go to Room A,” Shrit answered. “He does that because he knows I never remember the addresses of places. I know how to get to them, sure, but I don’t remember what they are. It’s not like a mental block or anything. It’s just that I’m a seat-of-my-pants kind of guy, ya know?” He didn’t pause long enough for Gappy to respond. “Anyway, I thought I was here to try out for a hemorrhoid commercial.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.”

  Shrit drummed his fingers on the table. “Happens all the time.”

  “Hemorrhoids?”

  “No,” Shrit said, obviously offended. Then, he softened. “Well, truthfully, yeah, but that’s not what I’m talking about.” He stood up, puffed out his chest, and said, “I’m an actor!” Then he slammed himself back into the chair. “My agent is always trying to get me paying gigs, no matter what they are. Not that I blame him. It’s his job, after all, and he gets a cut of everything I do. Not his fault that he’s got me as a client.”

  “What’s wrong with having you as a client?” asked Gappy.

  “Look at me,” Shrit said with a humorless snort. “I’m an Orc, yeah?”

  “You appear to be,” Gappy said carefully.

  “Do I sound like an Orc to you?”

  “Well …”

  “No, I don’t,” Shrit answered for him. “I sound like a Human. I know it, pal. Ain’t no reason to feel self-conscious about it. Was raised by Humans is all.” He put his head in his hands and looked down at the table. “Problem is that there’s no call for Human-sounding Orcs in movies and commercials. Not authentic, they say.”

  “Can’t you just pretend?” Gappy said. He was feeling out of place in this conversation. “I mean, isn’t that what acting is all about?”

  “Have you ever heard an Orcish accent?”

  “Yes,” answered Gappy.

  “Have you ever seen a show where Trolls try to do that Orc accent?”

  Gappy had. It was pretty bad. Not quite as bad as when Orcs tried to do the Trollian accent, but it was still pretty obvious.

  He nodded.

  “Let’s just say that the Trolls do a better job of it than I do,” Shrit stated. “Seems the only part I can land is that of the struggling actor. I can’t get on national TV to save my life. I’ve been in a couple of local commercials and I was up on a billboard a few times for a toe fungus cream ad, but that’s about it.”

  “What about the theater?”

  “Once.” Shrit looked away. “Didn’t go so well. Was a Shakingspears play … you familiar with Shakingspears?”

  “Isn’t he the one who wrote A Noontime Boogie a few hundred years back?”

  “Yeah, that’s the guy,” Shrit said. “Genius. Anyway, I was playing the role of Vug, and I was supposed to jump out onto the stage with a sword in hand and make an angry growl.” Gappy leaned forward as Shrit continued. “So it comes to my part and I’m pretty excited. Frankly, I was so nervous that I thought for certain I was going need to change my shorts. Well, the director slapped me in the back and hissed, ‘go,’ so I burst out onto the stage with vigor.”

  “What happened?”

  “Seems I was too enthusiastic. Ended up crashing through the stage floor, sticking the sword through the back wall, which allowed the sunlight to pour in, and, most embarrassingly of all, instead of an angry growl I did kind of a mix between a cat purr and puppy howl.”

  “A puppy howl?” Gappy said as he tried to contain himself.

  “It was abysmal.” Shrit said sadly. “You may be surprised to find that I haven’t been invited back to do anything theatrical. Starting to think that maybe it’s just not in the cards, ya know? And obviously my agent feels the same way since he keeps sneaking me into these interviews.” He stood back up after a couple of moments and said, “Sorry to have wasted your time, Gappy.”

  “If I may?” Gappy said, causing Shrit to stop at the door.

  “Yes?”

  “The last two candidates that I interviewed for the Rent-A-Friend day didn’t fit what I’m looking for at all, but I think you would actually be perfect for the job.”

  “Thanks, pal,” Shrit said with a half-smile. “I appreciate it. I really do. And I mean no offense by this, but pretending to be a friend feels kind of beneath me, ya know?”

  “Oh, okay. That’s fine. I understand.”

  “I don’t want to make you feel bad, Gappy. It’s not about you. I mean, heck, I barely know you, yeah? I’m just saying that it isn’t exactly acting.” He paused for a moment and looked up thoughtfully. “Actually, I guess it is acting when I think about it, but it feels sort of like an escort kind of thing. Not that kind of escort thing. That’s illegal in Planoontik.” He shrugged. “What I’m saying is that the Underworld Actors Guild wouldn’t give me their Verified Actor card for the local commercials or the billboard junk, so I highly doubt that they’d hand me one for ‘starring’ in this friendship gig, if you catch me.”

  Gappy wasn’t offended. The Orc obviously had a dream that he was doing his best to achieve. How could Gappy judge him for that? After all, wasn’t the act of pursuing a dream the very reason that Gappy was in the town of Planoontik in the first place?

  “It’s okay, Shrit,” Gappy said reassuringly. “I completely understand where you’re coming from. Honestly, I had no intention of coming in to Rent-A-Friend today either. Didn’t even know the place existed until this morning. It’s just that I’m new in town, lookin
g for a place to set up shop.”

  “Business guy, eh?”

  “Trying to be. Much like you, I’m pursuing a dream.” Gappy wanted to pull out his GnomePad and show Shrit the picture of his blueprints, but he held himself in check. “I went to the real estate place across the street and apparently there is a new show on HTTV called Barn Hunters, and they’re looking for someone to do the pilot episode with them.”

  “Is that right?” Shrit said with a tilt of his head.

  “Yes, and they said that if I agreed to do the show that they would pay for fifty percent of whatever property I purchased.”

  “That’s a lot.”

  “Exactly why I’m doing it.”

  “So, HTTV is going to put you on television, then?”

  “Yes,” answered Gappy, suddenly having a feeling of what a fisherman must experience when hooking a large bass.

  “Hmmm.” Shrit adjusted his shirt with one hand while running his other through his hair. “I’ve put a lot of thought to this, Gappy, and I think I may have been too hasty before. I’m an actor, right?”

  “That’s what you said, yes.”

  “And what do actors do, Gappy?”

  “Starve?”

  “They take on all kinds of roles, that’s what.” He paced. There wasn’t enough space for someone of his size to take many steps in Room A. “Big roles or small, it doesn’t matter. Actors act, just like writers write.” He nodded slowly at first as if trying to convince himself. “Yes, yes,” he said as the nodding grew more pronounced, “that’s what I’ll do. I’ll take this acting job of yours, Gappy.” He suddenly stopped and looked at Gappy with a worried face. “That’s assuming, of course, you honestly think I fit the part and you’re not just being nice.”

  Gappy quickly reviewed the interviews he’d had with Bizz and Eloquen.

  “Actually, I think you’re perfect for the job.”

  BARN HUNTERS

  Getting all the paperwork done at Rent-A-Friend was surprisingly seamless. It hadn’t started that way, but once Gappy said that he was going to walk out unless the counter guy finished everything up within five minutes, things sped right along.

  Gappy gave a quick introduction of Shrit to Suzie, who, in-turn, introduced them to the HTTV producer.

  His name was Corg Sawsblade and he was a Dwarf who was apparently in charge of the first episode of Barn Hunters.

  “We’ll be after talkin’ on the way,” Corg said smartly. “Got a schedule to keep!”

  Everyone shuffled into the Humbee, which was a very interesting vehicle that hovered slightly above the ground as it zipped down the road. Gappy had read countless manuals on the UnderNet regarding how the Humbee operated. They managed to float via the use of magnetization, which only worked because there was a consistent magnetic layer that sat on the crust of Ononokin. A few places that were higher in the mountains didn’t contain this, but the Humbee was designed to extend its wheels when needed. One of the problems with this layer of magnetism on the ground was in the realm of surgery. Doctors had to work to create alloys that would neither repel nor attract the magnetic force. Prior to knowing this, though, some patients had suffered being dragged to the ground while others were flung over great distances until they eventually landed on a non-magnetic piece of land.

  “We’re after heading to the first barn on the list,” Corg said in a stern and very Dwarf-like accent as he looked commandingly at Gappy. “Ye ain’t gonna be after likin’ this barn, ye see?”

  Gappy frowned. “But what if I do like it?”

  “Nay,” Corg replied, shaking his head firmly as he pounded his finger on the document he was holding. “Says here in the script that ye ain’t gonna be after likin’ it, and that means ye ain’t gonna be after likin’ it.”

  “I understand what you’re saying,” Gappy argued, “but …”

  “He understands,” Suzie said to Corg, interrupting Gappy. Then she whispered in Gappy’s ear. “Fifty percent off, remember?”

  “Right,” Gappy said with a sigh. “So I don’t like the first barn, then?”

  “Nay, ye don’t.” Corg flipped a page over and then looked up at Shrit. “Yer pal here is gonna be after tellin’ ye that’s it’s not that bad, but yer not buyin’ it.”

  Shrit sat forward slightly. “How do you want me to play it?”

  “Eh?” asked Corg.

  “Should I be all concerned and involved?” replied Shrit. “Or maybe I should act aloof?”

  “What the hell is ye talkin’ about?” Corg asked with his face all scrunched up. “And what’s with ye anyway? Ye don’t sound like an Orc.”

  “I get that a lot,” Shrit groaned. “Was raised by Humans.”

  “Me sympathies,” Corg said.

  “Is what it is,” Shrit replied with a shrug. “Anyway, I’m trying to find my angle for this shot, you know? My purpose. My motivation.”

  “Uh,” Corg said, looking from face-to-face, “I guess it’s that yer after helpin’ yer pal find a barn, that’s what.”

  “Yeah, that’s good,” Shrit said and then slowly sank back in his seat before bolting forward again. “But is there a deeper meaning to it? Something hidden in the shadows to engross the audience?”

  Corg frowned and thumbed through the script. He kept mumbling the word “meaning” over and over again.

  “Nothing in here about anything hidden in the shadows,” he explained finally.

  “Ah,” said Shrit before cracking a big grin. “An improvisational role then, eh?”

  “I guess,” Corg answered as the Humbee pulled up into a driveway and came to a halt. “Anyways, here’s the first barn.”

  The first barn had an old feel to it. It was rundown and falling apart. The original color couldn’t be judged accurately, but Gappy guessed that there had been some blue at some point. Of course, that could have been a moldy moss as well. Everything around the barn seemed nice enough. There was a decent clearing, surrounded by a ridiculous number of trees, which supported his desire for privacy. But the place felt wrong. Good thing this one was listed in the script as a non-starter because that’s what Gappy’s gut was telling him.

  Gappy stood by Suzie and Shrit while Corg and his crew put the cameras in place.

  “He’ll just be a minute,” Suzie said. “I worked on a movie set when I was in college. It takes them a little time to setup.”

  “We’re ready,” Corg announced.

  “Well, that was fast.”

  “So yer gonna be after walkin’ up there to that barn,” Corg explained to them. “Lass, ye’ll be doin’ all that real estate talkin’ stuff as the wee lad here appears to be thinkin’ things over.” He looked back and up at Shrit. “Erm …”

  “I know my part,” Shrit said.

  “Super,” Corg replied before turning to the two Elves that were handling the filming. “Well, let’s get the cameras goin’ then.”

  Suzie and Gappy started walking up to the barn as Shrit tagged along behind. The Orc was acting somewhat flamboyantly, but Gappy tried to keep his focus on Suzie.

  “I know it’s not much to look at from the outside, Gappy,” Suzie said, “but I’m going to ask you to look beyond the cosmetics here and see it with your heart.”

  “I’ll try,” said Gappy, though it was forced. “How much is it?”

  “They’re asking for forty thousand dollars.”

  “For this dump?” Gappy blurted out.

  “It’s been on the market for ninety days, so we can probably negotiate that down.”

  “It’d have to be a lot.”

  “Now, Gappy,” Shrit said in grandiose fashion, “don’t be too hasty. You have to see that this place has loads of potential.”

  “No, I don’t. There are too many trees, the paint is mostly gone, and there are obviously issues with the foundation.” He turned to Suzie. “I’m sorry, but why is this property so expensive?”

  “It’s got one hundred and eighty acres.”

  “Wow. That’s a lot.”


  The door creaked open as they walked inside. All in all, it was what he’d expected. Decrepit, dank, moldy, and musky were the terms that came to mind. It was also in serious need of fresh paint.

  “As you can see,” Suzie said in a salesy voice, “this is your standard barn layout. It’s one big space with not much else going on. This would be perfect for your business, right?”

  “Not really, no.”

  Suddenly, Shrit hopped into the scene. “What a place like this needs, Gappy, is love. Imagine what this barn once was. I can see it now. A young couple starting their new lives together, barely surviving.” He was moving a lot, gripping his chest now and then, and talking in a sing-song sort of way. “Imagine the poor souls living off the land, having little to their names, but finding all they needed in the embrace of each other.”

  “Cut!” Corg stepped out in front of the cameras. “What are ye doin’?”

  “Dramatic conflict,” Shrit said matter-of-factly. “It brings in the viewer, ya know?”

  “This ain’t Shakingspears, ye daft Orc,” Corg shot back. “He’s after buyin’ a stinkin’ barn!”

  Shrit’s shoulders slumped. “Overplayed it, didn’t I? I have a tendency of doing that. Sorry.”

  Corg grunted and led them all back out into the daylight and set up the scene so that they had their backs to the barn. A breeze picked up that caused one of the shutters to lose its perch and fall to the ground. Gappy rolled his eyes and looked at Suzie. She merely shrugged in response.

  “All right,” Corg said, “next ye need to ask if he likes the place.”

  “Do you like the place?” she asked.

  “No, not yet,” said Corg, holding his hand up to stop Gappy from answering. “Wait fer the cameras, yeah? Anyhoo, after that,” he pointed at Gappy while looking at the script, “yer gonna respond sayin’ that ye ain’t sure, but ye’ll keep it on the list.”

  “I’m most certainly not keeping this barn on the list.”

  “I know ye ain’t,” Corg said calmly, “but that’s what ye gotta say. Viewers want drama.” He quickly wagged his finger at Shrit. “Not the kind of drama yer after doin’.” He moved back a few steps, told the Elves to roll the cameras, and then said, “Go.”