Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)

by John P. Logsdon

  “So, what did you think, Gappy?”

  “It’s not even close to what I’m looking for, but for some inexplicable reason I’m going to keep it on the list.”

  “Excellent.”

  “Great call, Gappy,” Shrit said, giving the Gnome a friendly slap on the back. This turned out to be a bad move since Gappy ended up flying a good 10 feet past the cameras. Fortunately he landed in the grass. “My bad,” added Shrit.

  “Ugh,” Corg said with a defeated groan as he turned to the Elves. “I’m guessin’ ye got enough on tape that we can edit some of this dumb Orc out?” The Elves nodded. “Good, then somebody pick up that Gnome, dust him off, and let’s get to the next barn.”

  § § §

  “Listen up,” Corg said with a squint as the Humbee pulled into the next driveway, “this is the one that ye wanna buy. Ye’ll squint a lot and say that ye ain’t sure so the viewer ain’t sure neither, but that’s the one ye’ll want.”

  “I’m not committing to that,” Gappy said and then crossed his arms.

  “Why not?” asked Corg.

  “Because I’m not going to buy a place simply because it’s in the script, that’s why not.”

  Corg looked baffled. “Everyone else does.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense,” Gappy whined.

  “Talk to your boy,” Corg commanded Suzie.

  Suzie adjusted in her chair so that she was facing Gappy. He kept his arms crossed and his mind firm. It didn’t matter what she or Corg or the script said, if the place wasn’t right, it wasn’t right.

  “Remember, Gappy,” Suzie said, “we’re talking fifty percent here.”

  “Which does me no good if the place doesn’t fit my needs.”

  “Things can always be fixed,” she noted.

  “True, but if fixing it up costs me that fifty percent savings, then this all becomes moot.”

  “Valid point,” Suzie conceded as the Humbee pulled to a stop.

  They stepped out and Gappy saw his dream barn. Everything was idyllic, from the outside anyway. It was tall with red siding and white shutters. Two rows of windows indicated that there was an upstairs and a downstairs. It was situated in the back of a field that was surrounded by a horseshoe-shaped cropping of trees that reminded Gappy of his father’s hairline. If the inside measured up to what he was seeing outside, and the price was right, Gappy would gladly follow what the script said.

  “That joint looks pretty nice,” Shrit said.

  “It truly does,” agreed Gappy.

  Shrit stepped over to Corg. The Dwarf slouched so forcefully that the motion actually made a sound. The poor fellow looked tired. Shrit, on the other hand, looked like an Orc who’d found his dream.

  “What if I go with something a little less dramatic,” Shrit suggested.

  “Huh?” answered Corg.

  “I’m thinking maybe I just play the part of a regular guy, ya know?”

  “With green skin and jutting teeth?”

  “Yeah,” Shrit said, nodding. “Wait, is that a problem?”

  Corg obviously noted that, Dwarf or not, the Orc was far larger than he was.

  “No, it’s not after being a problem,” Corg said carefully. “What were you sayin’ again?”

  “Let’s just say that I’m like this little dude’s buddy, yeah?”

  “I thought ye was.”

  “Exactly.” Shrit clapped his hands with such force that everyone jumped, even the Elves. “Well, not exactly,” he said after a moment. “I mean, I am getting paid to be his pal, so it’s not exactly genuine.”

  “Yer gettin’ paid?”

  “Long story,” Shrit replied. “Anyway, so I’m just his bud and I’m trying to help him decide on a barn, right?”

  “Thought so,” Corg answered with a shrug.

  “Then that’s how I’ll play it,” Shrit announced. “I’ve got to tell you, Mr. Sawsblade, you’re one top-notch director. I’ve worked with one or two in my day,” Shrit continued, while pointing at Corg’s chest, “but you’ve got something intangible there, fella.”

  Corg dropped the script on the ground and started slapping at himself. Everyone backed away.

  “Where’re they at?” the Dwarf said, looking up at Shrit. “I just had me shirt washed and everything. I’m not after needin’ no damn intangibles eatin’ holes in it!”

  As Shrit tried to explain to Corg what “intangible” meant, Gappy continued soaking in the view. He could picture his Whirligig set off on the side of the barn, begging to be taken up into the clouds. Heck, he even saw more than just one. The yard, he quickly calculated, could house twenty of them with room to spare.

  “I have to admit,” he said to Suzie, “that this place looks almost exactly like what I was hoping to find.”

  “That works perfectly with the script.”

  “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Still have to see what it looks like on the inside. Plus, I don’t even know the cost.”

  “Oh, it’s…”

  “Nay,” Corg said with a start as he jumped over to Suzie. “Again, ye gotta wait for the cameras to be rollin’. We need to make sure the lad is after having a genuine reaction on film.”

  “He’s right,” affirmed Shrit. “Gappy’s not had the level of training that I’ve had in acting.”

  “Yeah,” Corg said at length. “Uh … what he said.”

  Moments later the cameras were rolling and Suzie started off.

  “This barn is one of the nicest around. Sitting in just under thirty pristine acres, it runs at thirty thousand dollars.”

  “So far,” Gappy said while doing a quick round of mental mathematics, “it sounds great.”

  “Want to see inside?” asked Suzie.

  Gappy had never understood why they asked this question. Who in their right mind would purchase a place without first seeing the inside? It could look amazing on the outside while the interior was complete rubbish. But they were on a TV show, so obviously they had to play the part as prescribed.

  “I would love to,” Gappy said.

  Fortunately, he was not disappointed. It was as clean as a barn could be expected to be. There was dust and that musty smell that he recalled from his father’s barn, but the foundation seemed solid, the wood beams were sturdy, and there was even a neatly stacked pile of lumber sitting off on the one side that would allow him to build up the place as time permitted.

  “This is perfect,” he announced. “I’ll take it!”

  “Cut,” yelled Corg. “Ye can’t say that.”

  “But this place is everything I want,” argued Gappy while putting his hands on his hips.

  “’Course it is,” Corg retorted, “says so in the script. But ye can’t just jump on it like that. The viewers need that mystery, right?”

  “Right,” Gappy said, softening his stance.

  Corg grunted. “Get ‘em rollin’ again,” he said to the Elves before pointing at Gappy and saying, “Go.”

  “This place looks pretty interesting,” Gappy said, fighting hard to contain his abundant interest in putting a contract on it immediately, “but I’m just not sure if it’s perfect for me.”

  Shrit walked into the scene and over to a wall where he rubbed his hand along one of the columns.

  “Got a couple of cobwebs over here, good buddy,” he said, acting normal. Well, at least as normal as Gappy could tell. “That could be a sign of spiders.”

  “Technically it is a sign of spiders,” Gappy explained.

  “See?” Shrit replied. “Also, have you noticed that the foundation is perfect?”

  “I did, yes.”

  “Could mean that the seller has something to hide.”

  “How could it mean that again?” asked Gappy.

  “Just saying, best pal of mine, you gotta keep your head on straight before just dumping your cash on a joint like this.”

  “All right, cut,” Corg said. “That’s good enough. Not bad on that one, either, Orc.”

  “Thanks,�
�� Shrit said with much enthusiasm. “It felt right. Still missing something to push it over the top, but it’s definitely close.”

  “Sure,” Corg said as a Dwarf who obviously didn’t care. “We gotta be gettin’ after that last property before it gets dark. This has to air tonight, ye know?

  § § §

  Barn three was even more beautiful than barn two. It stood on the top of a hill with a large field. While the trees were not directly next to the barn, the driveway was long and winding, which meant that there was no way anyone could see his work from the main road. The barn itself was green with cream shutters and it looked to be three levels instead of the two at the last barn. Yes, it was more space than he needed, but he was certain that time would give him plenty of ideas to fill it to the brim.

  “We’re rolling,” Corg said.

  “This last one is on thirty-eight acres,” said Suzie, “which includes a large lake and a hiking trail. The barn itself was built nearly one hundred years ago, but as you can see it looks immaculate.”

  “It’s breathtaking,” said Gappy dreamily. “How much is it?”

  “Twenty-five thousand.”

  “That’s it?” Gappy was in shock at that price. Something had to be off. “What’s wrong with it?”

  Suzie looked over the papers and shrugged. “Nothing that I can find.”

  Shrit was up standing at the side of the barn, looking it over.

  “Hey, Gappy,” he called out, “this place looks top-notch, mate.” With that, the Orc slammed his opened hand on the side of the barn. “Solid as rock.”

  There was the slightest creaking sound a moment later. Then there was a crack. Then a whine. Soon could be heard the chorus of creaking, cracking, and whining in a dissonant symphony of ruin. Shrit ran at the camera, obviously sensing what the others had fully expected. The Orc had made it away just in time as the barn snapped and came tumbling down into a heap of dust clouds with a resounding boom.

  Everyone stood there with mouths agape.

  “Shut off the cameras, ye couple of ignoramuses,” Corg shouted once everyone realized that they were still filming. “Erase all of that last part, too. We can’t be after havin’ a lawsuit on our first day.” They nodded and Corg added, “All right, everyone get back in the Humbee and let’s get out of here.”

  They piled into the vehicle and sped away from the scene. Gappy, Shrit, and Suzie were looking back at the settling dust. Gappy had to climb up to the back of the seat to see it, obviously, but it was worth a second look.

  “That was after being close,” Corg said with a sigh. “Remember, yer all under Can’t Tell Nobody agreements.”

  Gappy hopped back down onto the seat. “I didn’t sign a CTN.”

  “Ye didn’t?” Corg thumbed through his papers. “Damn. Well, if ye want yer fifty percent, sign this.”

  “What happens next?” asked Shrit.

  “Post-production,” answered Corg. “Mixin’ things, cuttin’ things, and then it goes live. After that we’ll be filmin’ yer decision and all that so we can air that during tonight’s HTTV Next Troll Design Star show.”

  “They’re going to show them separately?” Suzie said.

  “That’s what the marketing wonks at HTTV want,” Corg replied after stowing away the signed CTN forms.

  “How did you want to handle the credits?” Shrit asked, leaning forward.

  “What credits?”

  “Acting credits, of course.”

  “You call what ye did actin’?” Corg asked with a grimace.

  Shrit suddenly got very dark. “What are you saying, Dwarf?”

  Corg blanched. “Uh…it were just so believable, I was after not knowing that ye was acting.”

  “Oh!” Shrit had brightened up again. “I guess the Nedved School of the Dramatic Arts is to thank for that. Some of the greatest come from there, you know.”

  “I’ve little doubt.”

  “So, the credits?” Shrit asked again.

  “Right.” Corg reached again into his case and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen. “Just write yer name on that sheet and I’ll see what I can do.”

  WATCHING THE SHOW

  Scrumptious had cooked up a nice fish dinner with a side of potatoes and blue beans. Most of the time it was just Tootz eating and watching while Scrumptious did his normal serving as was prescribed in his employment contract, but he had wanted to watch this new Barn Hunters show, so she had allowed him to join her. She honestly hadn’t wanted to watch the show at all, not being much of an HTTV fan herself, but she was glad she had since the episode had tipped her off to the fact that there was a new Gnome in town, and that Gnome had designs on competing with her beloved Contraptions, LLC.

  Barn Hunters had just finished up as Tootz set her fork down. At the beginning of the show the narrator had mentioned that the Gnome was in Planoontik searching for a new barn so that he could set up a mechanical engineering firm.

  “Is this a new show, Scrumptious?” Tootz asked as Scrumptious started to clear off the plates from the table.

  “Yes, ma’am. That episode was just aired tonight.”

  “No, I mean have you seen Barn Hunters before?”

  “Just a few minutes ago with you, ma’am.”

  Tootz sighed. It was a good thing that Scrumptious was pretty.

  “What I’m wondering,” she tried again, “is if you know who this Gappy Whirligig guy is or not?”

  “The Gnome?”

  “Yes,” she answered patiently.

  “Oh, yes, ma’am.”

  “You do?”

  “He was the guy that was on that Barn Hunters show we just watched a few minutes ago.”

  Tootz could only blink in response. If it weren’t for the man’s flawless features and the way he looked in a suit, Tootz couldn’t imagine where he would be in life. She assumed there would be shovels involved though. He had zero talent, except for the ability to sing surprisingly well, though she had never bothered to tell him that. She hadn’t wanted him to get any thoughts of pursuing music because he would likely find success, which meant she’d have to search for a replacement, and it had been difficult enough finding him.

  “Have any of your friends mentioned a new mechanical engineering company in town, Scrumptious?”

  “No, ma’am.”

  “Well, I want to know more about this Gappy Whirligig,” Tootz said to herself. “There’s only room enough for one mechanical engineering shop in this town.”

  “But it looks like he’s going to pick one of the barns, ma’am,” Scrumptious said. “I’m guessing he’ll choose the third one. Strange that they showed it so quickly and didn’t even go inside, but that’s the one, I’m sure of it.”

  “What’s your point?” Tootz wearily ventured.

  “If he’s got a barn then he’s found room to set up his own shop, ma’am.”

  “And?”

  “You said that there was only room for one mechanical engineering firm,” Scrumptious answered as he continued scrubbing the dishes, “but since he’s about to find a barn …”

  “Scrumptious,” Tootz interrupted, “I was trying to be ominous.”

  “I was just trying to express my opinion, ma’am.”

  “What have we said about that, Scrumptious?” Tootz admonished.

  Scrumptious stopped scrubbing and seemed to be in thought. Then he smiled as if having a eureka moment. “You said that if you ever need my opinion, you’ll give me one.”

  “Close enough,” she said with a nod. “Now, do hurry up and finish with the dishes. I’ve had a tough day and am in need of a backrub. We’ll stay up a little late tonight so we can see the results of this Barn Hunters, too.”

  “You mean you’ll watch The Next HTTV Troll Design Star with me, ma’am?”

  “Sadly, yes,” Tootz replied. “You may want to bring me a glass of wine, though. I fear I may need it.”

  THAT'S A WRAP

  Gappy and Suzie sat across from Shrit at the table in the Tippylynn Re
al Estate office. Corg and his film crew had edited and delivered the first part of the show a couple of hours before and had come back to do the second part, which Corg insisted would be a lot faster.

  But Gappy was exhausted. He had driven most of the night, was up all day dealing with major life decisions, and it was now dark outside again. It was all he could do to keep his eyes open.

  “It’s awfully late,” he said with a yawn. “Can’t we just do this in the morning?”

  “Nay,” answered Corg as he moved the cameras this way and that while getting the setting just right. “Gotta be on site for a Zombie Cave Hunters episode first thing in the morning. Plus, the HTTV suits is after wanting to air your barn choice during the The Next HTTV Troll Design Star show.”

  “Don’t worry, Gappy,” Suzie said. “It’ll only take a few minutes to get everything done. I’ve already got most of the paperwork set up for the barn you’re actually buying.”

  “Okay, fine.”

  “Right,” said Corg. “Get the cameras rolling and we’re live.”

  “We’re on?” Suzie asked.

  “Yes, yer on. Go, lass, go!”

  Suzie adjusted in her chair, touched her hair on both sides, cleared her throat, and said, “So have you decided on a property, Gappy? Remember, house one was old and falling apart, but it had an enormous amount of land; house two ticked all the boxes on your wish list, and was well inside your budget; and house three fell over when your friend pushed on it.”

  “Cut!” Corg said and then slapped himself on the forehead. “Ye can’t be after admitting to that, lass. Try again on that last one, will ye?”

  “Sorry, forgot.”

  “Roll the cameras,” Corg said with the look of a Dwarf who was losing his resolve.

  “And house number three was beautiful, large, staunchly built, and sat on a good sized lot, but was too inexpensive for what you were looking for.”

  “Yes,” Gappy answered, “they were all very interesting.”

  “So which one is it going to be?”

  “Cut,” Corg said. “That was after being pretty good, but now we gotta do the bit where ye talk it over with yer, uh, friend, Shat.”