Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)

by John P. Logsdon

“Again, Scrumptious, I had a taco.”

  “He’s right, Shrit. It smells like gasoline.”

  “Hmmm,” the Orc replied. “I did add the fire salsa to it.”

  “Not that kind of gas, Shrit!”

  “Hey, wait …” Shrit sniffed the air. “Okay, yeah, I smell it too.”

  They ran outside and saw an Elf, an Ogre, and three Dwarfs standing out near the tree line. The Dwarf in the front struck a match and threw it at the ground as the little troop yelled, “Surprise!” Well, except for the Elf. He yelled, “May the night be filled with astonishing delights!”

  An instant later a whoosh of flames erupted and started to run left and right, forming a semi-circle around the barn. Worse, it was widening. Obviously these guys had spilled quite a lot of gasoline.

  “What in the world are you doing?” yelped Gappy as he started firing his pebble gun at them.

  “That guy ain’t after lookin’ happy,” Webner yelled to the others, just loudly enough for Gappy to hear him.

  “Him look pretty mad,” Bizz hollered in agreement, “and him keep hittin’ Bizz wif little rocks.”

  The Elf stepped forward and said, “We should float upon the green with the haste of a steed whose master has clipped his sides.”

  “What?” Webner asked.

  “Run, you fools!” the Elf shrieked and then ran down the driveway to a small van.

  Shrit started off towards the tiny house where the fire wasn’t moving as quickly. He was clearly planning to chase after the van.

  “No, wait!” Gappy screamed, stopping Shrit in his tracks. “You can’t see very well at night. Don’t want you to hit another tree. Besides, we have to get everything out of the barn before it gets burned down.”

  “Damn,” Shrit spat. “You’re right. Okay, Scrumptious, you’re with me.”

  Gappy saw his world starting to fall apart. There was no doubt that those bolt-wrenching Halfia were behind this. If it was the last thing he did, Gappy was going to get that Huido.

  “The wind is up, too,” he said to the others. “The flames are already licking at the trees.”

  “We gotta hurry.”

  OUT COLD

  Tootz caught sight of the flames across the tree line and knew immediately that Gappy’s barn was in trouble. Part of her was worried that those blueprints and that wonderful prototype were going to be burned, but another part of her was worried about Gappy’s safety. That, she thought, was very odd.

  “Get yourself together, Tootz. He’s a Gnome, remember? A Gnome!”

  Still, she couldn’t deny that there was something about him. Honesty? Integrity? The fact that he looked cute in those little suspenders he seemed to insist on wearing? Or maybe it was the point that he was what embodied the true spirit of a Gnome. Gappy Whirligig was industrious, and, like it or not, Tootz Gibdawdle found that attractive.

  “Ugh,” she said as she felt the breeze pick up. “Not good,” she added as the flames hit the tree line.

  They were still quite a ways out, but with the wind coming on strong, it wouldn’t take much to …

  Whoosh!

  As if on cue, a massive gust blew flames deeper into the woods and Tootz felt that there was a real possibility that she was going to be cooked. She glanced down and saw animals fleeing for their lives. She decided to join them.

  She shimmied down the tree almost twice as fast as she’d climbed it. When she hit the ground, she slammed her back against the trunk as another wave of animals ran past. Fortunately, they were more afraid of the coming fire than they were interested in having her as a meal. Even still, she didn’t want to tempt fate, so she waited until nothing moved for a few minutes before she took off running.

  She’d only gone about 50 feet when she found herself in an opening in the trees. She looked up as her legs whirred in a fury of desperate escape, but that had been a mistake because her foot caught on a tree root and she tumbled to the ground, smacking her head on a rock in the process.

  Tootz Gibdawdle was out cold.

  GOGGLES

  I’ll bet this is all your damn boss’s doing,” Shrit yelled above the roaring flames as he dragged as much stuff out of the barn in one shot as he could manage.

  “I don’t think so, sir,” Scrumptious replied while following Shrit out with a much smaller set of boxes. “Ms. Gibdawdle would never stoop this low.”

  “I would hope not,” Gappy called out angrily, holding a box that Shrit could have carried with his finger. “My guess is that bolt-wrenching Huido is behind this.”

  They rushed to the trailer and put things down. Gappy looked back and saw the wall of destruction was headed right at his barn. They had maybe five minutes before it was fully engulfed.

  “I think that’s everything,” Shrit said, “except for the barn itself. I can’t believe we’re going to lose that.”

  “Not to worry, Shrit,” Gappy said. “When I was in town the other day, I’d considered everything that had happened with the tools and such, and I thought it would be a good idea to get actual insurance.”

  “Oh?”

  “I jumped on the UnderNet and found a good rate that will pay me twenty thousand dollars on this loss, which will leave me about fifteen hundred more than I started with.”

  “How much is your deductible?”

  “Twenty-five hundred,” Gappy said and then dropped his shoulders. “Bolt-wrench.”

  Scrumptious had been looking at his TalkyThingy as the other two talked. He started saying, “uh oh” a few times, which then progressed to, “oh boy,” and finally, “oh no!”

  “What is it?” asked Shrit.

  “She’s out there,” Scrumptious said, pointing past the flames that were moving deeper into the forest. “She’s out in the woods.”

  “Who is?” Shrit said.

  “Ms. Gibdawdle!”

  “What in the world is she doing in the woods outside of my property?” Gappy shrieked and then rolled his eyes. “Oh, right, waiting for the blueprints.”

  “We gotta save her,” Scrumptious said desperately. “She’ll burn if we don’t.”

  “Serves her right, if you ask me,” Shrit replied.

  “Probably,” Gappy said with a nod, “but we can’t let that happen.”

  “No,” Shrit agreed with a sigh. “But what can we do? If we run in there, we’ll just meet with the same fate as her.”

  “True, we can’t run in there,” Gappy said, “but I can fly in there.” He looked at the flames again. “Carry me to the helicopter, Shrit. I’m not fast enough.”

  Shrit picked up Gappy and covered the distance to the back of the barn in a fraction of the time that it would have taken Gappy to get there on his own. The flames were just getting to the front of the barn now, so he had enough time to get everything set and then lift off.

  Gappy flipped the ignition to prep and checked the readouts. Everything was good, so he moved to ignition. The blade knocked Shrit on the side of his head but the Orc ignored it. The next one did the same thing, and he ignored that, too.

  “You need to duck or those blades will take your head off, Shrit,” Gappy yelled.

  “Huh?” Shrit said and then ducked down. “Right, wasn’t thinking. How are you going to see?”

  Gappy held up his goggles. “Infrared.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “Means I can see in the dark. You guys get the tiny house loaded up and get yourselves and my house out of here. If you don’t have enough time, then just get out of here and leave everything else.”

  “I’ll figure it out. You be careful, Gappy.”

  “You, too, Shrit.”

  Gappy lifted the Whirligig off the ground slowly at first, but saw that the wind from the machine was fanning the flames, so he took it straight up as quickly as possible until he was well above the ground.

  His view from on high told the full tale of the devastation that would result from this fire. The barn was already going up in flames, the tree line directly in front of t
he barn was lighting up the night, and the winds were pushing the fire towards Planoontik.

  The Whirligig was rocking back and forth with each gust. He couldn’t smell rain in the air, but there had to be a storm coming because the wind was quite intense. With any luck there would be a massive downpour strong enough to wipe out the fire before it could reach town.

  Somehow Gappy didn’t think they’d be that lucky.

  NEW HENCHMEN REPORT

  Huido sat at his desk, smoking a fresh cigar. He had to admit that it was kind of nice having a little peace and quiet for once. There wasn’t anyone to boss around, which was unfortunate, but there wasn’t a bunch of henchmen pestering him about what to do next either.

  It was relaxing.

  At least until the Rent-A-Friend squad showed up.

  “Party’s over already?” Huido said as the troop walked in.

  “I got a feelin’ that it weren’t after being no party,” Webner answered suspiciously. “And where was you at, anyway?”

  “Had to finish up some, uh, paperwork.”

  “That friend of yours was after lookin’ pretty mad,” Webner noted while studying the room.

  “Him shot rocks at Bizz,” Bizz said with a pout.

  Eloquen stepped forward. “The fire brimmed to pulsing as steam rose in plumes of anguish.”

  Everyone looked at him for a second, but nobody said a word.

  “Is the fire set?” Huido asked finally.

  “Yeah, we got after doin’ what ye said ye wanted,” Webner answered, “but there weren’t no snacks or ale or nothin’.”

  “And we had to run for our lives, we did,” said another Dwarf.

  “You had to run from a Gnome?” Huido asked.

  “He had an Orc with him,” Webner replied.

  “I thought you Dwarfs were supposed to be tough and rugged.”

  “We are, little man,” Webner stated menacingly, “but we ain’t after being stupid.”

  “But you had an Ogre with you. Clearly he could handle an Orc.”

  “Nuh uh, mister,” Bizz said with a firm shake of his head. “Orcs is scary!”

  Huido pinched the bridge of his nose. It wasn’t a wonder that these boobs were in the Rent-A-Friend business. Not a proper one in the bunch.

  “Elves are supposed to be top-notch fighters, yeah?”

  “The gargantuan beast moves like a crushing wave against the dainty petunia that lies nestled among doves in the moonlight.”

  “What?” Huido said, grimacing.

  Eloquen sighed. “Orcs is scary.”

  “We’d better be after gettin’ outta here,” Webner said, turning to his crew. “It’s obvious that this bozo set us up.”

  “Who are you calling a bozo, wise guy?” Huido said, standing up.

  “I’m after calling you one, bozo,” Webner said firmly whilst pointing at Huido angrily.

  Huido’s resolve slowed to a crawl. “Right.”

  They stormed out of his office without even bothering to close the door behind them. He stood up and closed it himself, which was when he noticed an eerie glow reflecting off the hospital across the street. He’d never seen it before. It had sort of a reddish hue to it that wasn’t exactly unpleasant, but was definitely out of the ordinary.

  Also, if he wasn’t mistaken, there was snow falling outside. It wasn’t even the season for snow, and even if it had been, Planoontik wasn’t exactly known for chilly weather.

  Something was afoot.

  Huido walked to the back room and took the hidden staircase that led up to the roof. He headed out into the night air and inhaled the distinct smell of burning lumber. He put his hand out and caught some of the falling debris. It was ash.

  Turning around, he saw a raging forest fire that was heading directly at the town.

  There were many things that the Halfia boss could handle, but this particular item was not one of them. It wouldn’t be long before either Whirligig, his Orc, or those damn Rent-A-Friend guys ratted him out.

  It was time for Huido to get his real henchmen out of the hospital and for them all to get out of town.

  Now.

  THE RESCUE

  Gappy had his head hanging as far out of the window as he could. One of the things he planned to do in the next iteration of the Whirligig was to put the same clear material that he had around the nose all the way down to his feet. This way he could look straight down if needed. For now, he had to deal with what he had, and the best way to do that was to fly in sweeps over the top of the trees.

  His infrared goggles were picking up many animals as he swung in from the right. Whenever he caught sight of the fire, he would quickly shut his eyes and give the goggles a second to adjust. If he didn’t, the light would temporarily blind him.

  Most of the animals were running in the direction of the town of Planoontik, but he caught sight of a small shape right on the edge of a large clearing, and it was wasn’t moving. It could have been an unfortunate creature who had recently become the meal of another, more fortunate, creature, but the shape of it told him that it could also be Tootz. He could only hope that she hadn’t been the unfortunate creature who had become a meal.

  That thought made him shudder.

  Gappy spun the Whirligig around and moved into the clearing, dropping it to the ground. He jumped out and ran to the stagnant figure while the wind from the blades threatened to throw him from his feet.

  Sure enough, it was Tootz. She was lying on the ground with her head against a rock.

  “Tootz,” Gappy said, lifting up her head to make sure she wasn’t bleeding. Fortunately, she was not. “Tootz, wake up!”

  Her eyes slowly opened, then she blinked a number of times.

  “What happened?” she said and then sat straight up. “Gappy?”

  “You knocked yourself out,” he explained.

  “How did you find me?”

  “We caught Scrumptious.”

  “Oh.”

  “We’ll talk about that later,” Gappy said, pulling her to her feet. “Right now, we’ve got to get out of here. The flames are coming fast.”

  She wobbled and said, “I’m dizzy.”

  Gappy glanced back and saw that the flames were getting closer. They didn’t have much time. He swept her off her feet and ran to the Whirligig where he placed her on the passenger side and buckled her in place. He then jumped in the other side and flipped the ignition to get the blades going again at full tilt.

  “I had no idea you were that strong,” Tootz said, still looking dazed.

  “Don’t try your tricks on me anymore, Tootz,” he said warningly. “You’re lucky I didn’t just leave you here after what you did.”

  “I can explain,” she replied desperately.

  “You don’t have to. I know exactly what your plans were. Now, just be quiet and let me fly us out of here.”

  “But …”

  Gappy looked at her sternly and said, “Would you rather walk back?”

  She didn’t reply.

  He pulled his goggles down, shut off the infrared, took the machine up into the air, and hurried back to his property. It was all he could do not to lay out a slew of Gnome curses as he watched the barn that he’d just put his life’s savings into burning to the ground.

  THE SPRINKLER

  The fire still hadn’t reached the house yet. If anything, it appeared intent on heading in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, the flames were all over the main driveway, which meant Shrit and Scrumptious were blocked from getting out.

  Gappy landed the Whirligig behind them and jumped out to check on Shrit’s status. As he ran to the Orc, Scrumptious left to check on Tootz.

  “What’s taking so long?” Gappy called out to Shrit.

  “Had to rig up a way to keep the house and wheely engine cool so we can get past the flames,” Shrit yelled back. Then he pointed down the hill. “The fire is cutting off the exit. We have to go right through it.”

  “I saw that when I was landing. Just le
ave the house and cut through the woods there. You can get to the main road that way.”

  “No way.”

  “I can always get another house, Shrit.”

  “Ain’t gonna happen,” the Orc said seriously. “I spent hours working on these twisty handles and I plan on delivering them to Mr. Trapshure first thing in the morning.”

  “So carry them with you. You don’t need the entire house to deliver the twisty handles.”

  “I’m taking everything, Gappy,” Shrit stated flatly. “See that thing on the top of the house? It’s rigged up to your house’s water tank. Once I turn this valve, the water will start pulling up, and that will cause the little three-pronged head up there to spin and sprinkle water all over the place, keeping us cool.”

  “That’s brilliant, Shrit,” Gappy said. “You could use that for watering lawns.”

  “Yeah?”

  Scrumptious had run back by then and was climbing onto the top of the wheely engine. He had put the extendo-wheel on and his legs were sticking through the opening that led into the vehicle, giving him access to the pedals. Obviously the Human had driven one of these before.

  “Okay, Gappy, we’ll be fine getting through. I’ve already closed all of your windows on the house, but your wheely engine’s interior is going to get soaked.”

  “Don’t care. Just be careful.”

  “We’ll see you in town,” Shrit said as he told Scrumptious to go.

  Gappy watched for a moment as Shrit walked alongside the house and wheely engine. Once they had gotten close to the flames, Shrit reached out and spun the valve. Moments later, water started spraying all over the place. There was no possible way it would be enough to get them through since the wheely engine moved too slowly when pulling the tiny house. But that’s where the strength of an Orc came into play.

  “Hit it!” Shrit bellowed as he picked up the house and trailer slightly while running in a crouch. The wheely engine and house cut through the flames like lightning, even though Shrit was yelling, “Ouch, ooch, eek,” the entire time. Gappy wanted to run after them, but once they’d gotten through, Shrit yelled back, “We’re fine. Get out of here!”