Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)

by John P. Logsdon

  Gappy got back to the Whirligig and set the rotor spinning so he could lift off. He looked over at Tootz, who appeared to have been crying. Her eyes were red, but that could have been due to the hit she’d taken on her head. Either way, Gappy couldn’t help but notice that she had a look of resolve on her face.

  I'M OUTTA HERE

  Gappy landed outside of town on the only open space he could find, which happened to be the campgrounds.

  “Hey,” the campground owner said as Gappy got out of the Whirligig, “dat gonna cost one thousand dollars to park here.”

  “No way,” Gappy said, wagging his finger.

  “Five hundred, den!”

  “Nope.”

  “Thirty-seven fifty?”

  Gappy handed over the cash and then ran down the road to the crowd of people who were staring in horror at the oncoming flames. He needed to find the mayor, the police, and the firefighters. Essentially, he needed to find a way that he could help get this taken care of, and then he wanted to put Huido and his goons in the slammer.

  “Has anyone seen the mayor?” he called out. People looked over top of him until they noticed him jumping up and down, and then they shook their heads that they had not.

  He ran up the street and saw Mr. Xorg.

  “Mr. Xorg,” he said breathlessly, “have you seen the mayor?”

  “You got a number?”

  “For what?”

  “Asking questions.”

  “It’s after hours!”

  “That’s true,” Mr. Xorg said as he rubbed his chin. “You’ll have to wait to ask questions until the morning when we’re opened.”

  “We’re not in the bolt-wrenching government building. I’m simply asking you if you’ve seen the mayor or not?”

  “Oh, yeah, I’ve seen him. Human guy, dresses nice. Taught me how to wear a tie.”

  “No, I’m … you know what, never mind.”

  Gappy turned and looked over the crowd, knowing that somewhere in that mass of people was the mayor. Running through a cluster of legs like that was asking for trouble if you were a Gnome, though, so Gappy took off back to the main street entrance, hoping that Shrit would be coming up soon.

  The sound of sirens suddenly filled the air.

  “Thank The Twelve,” Gappy said, assuming that the town was pulling together to find a way to put out the flames. But did they even fathom the enormity of what was coming at them? He’d seen it from above. To him it appeared like an unstoppable force. This wasn’t a case of fighting a fire; this was a case of evacuating the town.

  He stopped and pressed himself up against a wall as a massive red vehicle with blaring sirens parted the crowd and then hit the main street exit, turned left, and high-tailed it out of there. It wasn’t even going the right way!

  The mayor was chasing after the fire truck on foot. He gave up at the city entrance where he bent over and placed his hands on his knees as he fought to catch his breath.

  Gappy ran over to him.

  “Where’s he going?”

  “He’s leaving town, Mr. Whirligig,” the mayor said raggedly. “Loves starting fires, hates putting them out.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “No, it sure doesn’t,” said the mayor as he stood back up, “but he was the only one who answered the ad when we were setting up the department. Now we have no protection against the flames.”

  “Sir,” Gappy said soberly, “that truck wasn’t going to save you anyway. I’ve seen this fire from above and it’s a monster.”

  “You a wizard or something?” the mayor asked. “I thought you were a mechanical engineer?”

  “I am, sir. I built the machine that was flying over the city earlier today.”

  “That was you? We thought maybe it was those little gray men again.”

  “Little gray men?”

  “Uh, forget I said that,” the mayor said hastily. “I never said that. No little gray men around here, right?”

  “Well, I …”

  “Unless you have some insane desire to get probed for days, weeks, and possibly even months, I’d say that you’d better get with the program of forgetting that I ever said anything about those little gray men. Got it?”

  “Got it,” Gappy replied, though he didn’t.

  Scrumptious turned on to the street with Shrit running beside the house. Though Shrit’s clothes were a little crispy, he looked fine, as did the house and the wheely engine.

  “I’m so glad you made it out, Shrit,” Gappy said, slapping his friend on the knee. “I was worried when you were running through the fire.”

  “It wasn’t fun.”

  “Where is Ms. Gibdawdle?” Scrumptious asked, visibly concerned.

  “I left her in the Whirligig, over at the campgrounds,” Gappy replied and then turned back to the mayor. “Sir, there’s no way you’re stopping that fire. It’s too big. You have to get everyone out of town.”

  “Are you kidding?” the mayor said with a laugh. “We have to stop that fire. People aren’t just going to give up everything they’ve worked for because I tell them to.”

  “Then I hope they have flame-retardant skin,” Shrit said. “Gappy’s right, there’s no way …” He paused and got the look that he seemed to get when an idea struck him.

  Scrumptious was walking Tootz down the sidewalk right next to them. They were clearly heading to the Contraptions, LLC building when Gappy called out, “Where are you going?”

  “Obviously the town is going to be burned down,” Tootz said tiredly. “There’s no way to stop that fire so there’s no point in staying.”

  “You’re right,” Gappy said. “Too bad about losing your business. Stinks, doesn’t it?”

  “My insurance will cover it,” she said with a shrug. “I’ll profit about five hundred thousand dollars in the process, too.”

  “Oh yeah?” said Shrit. “What about your deductible?”

  “I negotiated smartly up front,” she replied. “My deductible is only two hundred and fifty dollars.”

  “That’s it?” Gappy shrieked.

  “It pays to be savvy, Gappy.”

  “By ‘savvy’ you mean being good at thievery and back-stabbing, right?”

  She sighed. “Business is business, my naive little friend.”

  “Well, I’ve got to hand it to you, Tootz—or should I say, Ms. Gibdawdle? You led me on nicely.” He grimaced sadly at her and shook his head. “I honestly thought that you were a friend. Maybe even more than that. But you’re just a bad person with no moral compass.”

  “It pains me to hear you say that, Gappy.”

  “I doubt that.”

  “In your case, the people of Hubintegler were right. You are too young to be out here tinkering on your own. You’ve not felt the sting of failure, yet. You’ve not had your ideals crushed, and your dreams dashed. The day you do, you’ll flee from your beloved moral compass and find yourself doing the same things that I do.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Gappy yelped. “Look at my last few days, Ms. Gibdawdle. I’ve lost my father, my property, my money, and my business. I’ve had my tools and barn smashed up by the Halfia, I spent hours with Mr. Xorg, I was played by my supposed ‘friendly competition’ so that she could get her hands on the blueprints for my invention, and I’m now watching the town that I picked to start this little venture in as it sits on the brink of utter ruin.” He tapped his foot. “And, yet, here I am trying to find a way to help all of these people get to safety and I hardly know any of them!”

  “Well …”

  “No, forget it. You obviously only care about one person in this town, and that’s yourself.” He stepped back from her and crossed his arms. “Goodbye, Ms. Gibdawdle, and good luck to the people in the poor city that you end up in.”

  She stormed away with Scrumptious helping her along.

  THE TURNAROUND

  Scrumptious, I want you to pull my car around. We’re leaving town right now and we will not be coming
back.”

  “No, ma’am,” Scrumptious said as he opened the main door to Contraptions, LLC.

  “What did you just say?” she said with wide eyes.

  “I’m sorry, ma’am, but Mr. Whirligig is right. What you were having me do was wrong. I see that now.”

  “Scrumptious, don’t you …”

  “My name is not Scrumptious, ma’am. My name is Merton Myron Wambles and I would appreciate it if you were to call me that from now on.”

  “I’m not calling you that!”

  “Well, no,” he replied, “not the entire thing, but Merton or Mr. Wambles will be fine.”

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “Sorry, ma’am, but I am,” he answered stoically.

  “Fine, Merton, you’re fired!”

  “Yes, ma’am,” he replied with a sad look.

  Tootz stormed down the hallway and up to her office where she grabbed a few important documents, shoved them into her attache case, and then walked down to the garage. And that’s when she remembered that her CL-1 was in the forest by Gappy’s barn. Chances were, it was in the path of destruction.

  She groaned and walked to her secondary car, a lowly DMW Cruiser. It was the top-of-the-line car made by Dwarf Motor Wheels, but compared to her CL-1, it was a piece of archaic technology. She may as well have been driving in Gappy’s wheely engine. That thought brought her mind back to riding with him along the road to the barn district, and that made her reconsider feeling disgusted at the wheely engine. If anything, she had to admit that she liked those old tinker machines.

  But that was the past. This was now. The town was doomed and she wasn’t going to stick around and watch it burn.

  She jumped into the Cruiser and started it up. A few seconds later she slammed her fist on the dashboard, unable to get that damn Gappy out of her head.

  “The nerve of that Gappy Whirligig,” she said while adjusting the mirrors in the car. “Reading me the riot act? Why, I’m in my fifties and he’s only forty-two!” She grunted and clicked her seat belt into place. “Did he go through what I went through when I was young? No, he did not. Did his parents die before he turned the Age of Tinkering? Well ... actually, I suppose they did. But did he have a cheating, lying, conniving little husband? I’ll bet he did not!” She put the Cruiser in reverse. “Telling me that I’m supposed to be all caring and trusting and have a moral compass. What does he know about what I’ve been through? Does he know what it’s like to trust and care for a husband only to find out that the creep slept with every single secretary that he’d hired?” Tears rolled down her face again. “And yet Gappy is out there fighting for people he doesn’t even know. Idealist? I think not. Idiot, more like.”

  She put the car back in Park and looked in the rear-view mirror, adjusting it to wipe her eyes and clean up her makeup. She was not about to be seen leaving this town looking anything less than strong and professional.

  But she stopped and just looked at herself.

  “What happened to you, Tootz? You had such promise when you were younger. You had dreams and aspirations, and you were … nice. Now, you’re just a self-centered businessperson.” She sobbed a bit more. “Maybe it’s time for you to change.” A little spark of life flared in the deep recesses of her mind. Was it joy? She couldn’t quite tell, but it felt wholesome compared to the sinister glee she’d taken for normal happiness over the years. “Yes,” she said louder, “it is time for a change!”

  Tootz jumped at the sound of someone tapping on the door. She rolled down her window and looked over the edge. There was a Gnome there who was wearing a Contraptions, LLC lab coat. He’d obviously worked for her.

  “Yes?” she said.

  “I’m sorry to bother you, ma’am,” the Gnome said. “I know that you do not approve of seeing Gnomes at the workplace, but I noticed you sitting here, and with the fire coming, I just wanted to be sure that you were okay before I left.”

  His concern surprised her.

  “Actually, I am okay,” she answered. “To be honest, I’ve not felt this good in a long time.”

  “Ah, because you’re going to get a big chunk of insurance money, you mean?”

  “Hmmm? Oh, right. Well, anyway, yes, I’m fine. Thank you for asking, Mr … uh?”

  “Fizzleswitch, ma’am, but you normally refer to me as Little Bastard Number Three.”

  “Sorry about that,” she said with a wince.

  “It’s better than what Mrs. Fizzleswitch calls me,” he replied with a shrug.

  “Well, thank you, Mr. Fizzleswitch. I appreciate your concern.”

  “Be safe, ma’am.”

  “You, too.”

  He skittered out of the tunnel as Tootz shut off the Cruiser.

  Things were about to change for her. It may be that Gappy wouldn’t listen to her, and it may even be that he’d never forgive her for what she’d done, but it was time she accepted that she didn’t have to be ruthless in order to avoid being a victim.

  It was time for Tootz Gibdawdle to relearn how to be industrious.

  I CAN HELP

  The way I see it, we’ve only got about four hours before those flames hit the town,” Gappy said to Shrit and the mayor, “and that’s if the wind doesn’t pick up even more.”

  “We’re doomed,” the mayor groaned.

  Shrit held up a finger. “Maybe not. I’ve been thinking about this. If we can get a fleet of those Whirligigs built up, we can attach large buckets to the bottom of them. You could fly them down to the lake, scoop up water and then dump it on the trees.”

  “You honestly never cease to amaze me, Shrit,” Gappy said with a shocked laugh. “Unfortunately, we only have the one Whirligig and I’m the only one who knows how to pilot it.”

  “We can use my factory.”

  They spun around to find Tootz standing right behind them.

  “What are you doing here?” Gappy asked venomously. “I thought you were leaving Planoontik to its fate while you collected your precious insurance money?”

  She nodded. “You were right, Gappy. About everything. But now’s not the time to talk about that.” She squared her shoulders. “Now’s the time for action. If we set up the schematics in my office, and turn my entire crew on to getting it moving, we can start churning out a new Whirligig every fifteen minutes. It’ll take about an hour to setup, though, so we have no time to waste.”

  “Still trying to get my blueprints? You’re unbelievable.”

  “Let me save you some headache, Mr. Whirligig,” she said and then looked at the mayor. “Mr. Mayor, let me go on record to say that the Whirligigs are the property of Gappy’s Gadgets, not Contraptions, LLC. I am only lending my resources in order to help the town. I shall make no claim to the patent on this product.”

  “Understood,” the mayor said. “Mr. Whirligig, that’s ironclad.”

  Gappy felt confused. “Why are you doing this?”

  “I met someone who convinced me that there are people out there who are trustworthy, Mr. Whirligig.”

  “You’re a very complicated Gnome, Ms. Gibdawdle.”

  “I know.”

  “Hey,” Shrit said, pointing at the Rent-A-Friend henchmen that Huido had hired, “those are the guys who started the fire!”

  The mayor waved at the lead police officer and yelled, “Arrest those people right now!”

  GOTTA BOLT

  Huido was up on the second floor of the hospital, his bags already packed and his car ready in the garage across the street. He didn’t owe his henchmen anything, but there was a code with people like him, and that code was family. Love them or hate them, they were his crew, so he had to do the right thing by them.

  “Everyone on your feet,” he commanded. “We gotta get outta town, and fast.”

  “But my toe still hurts, boss,” complained Fingernails.

  “Mummin’ fummin’ headache,” agreed Grumbles.

  Huido gave them all a heavy dose of stink-eye. “I said it’s time to go. Don’t give me n
o lip. Get on your feet.”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ no.”

  “Did I just hear you correctly, Grumbles?”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ how am I supposed to fummin’ know?”

  “Doc says we’s supposed to stay still for a few more days, boss,” Fingernails stated. “It’s on our charts and everything.”

  Huido shook his head and wondered why he bothered with this bunch.

  “So that’s how it’s going to be, yeah?” he said disappointedly. “I raise you stinkin’ lot from nothin’ to somethin’ respectable and this is how you repay me?”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ guess so.”

  “Fine, ya group of no-good, ungrateful, rangy bastards,” he said, raising his voice. “Go ahead and stay here, then. The town’s gonna be up in flames in a few hours and you can burn with it.”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ huh?”

  Huido started to walk out of the room. “And to think I went outta my way to try and save your sorry butts.”

  “There’s a fire, boss?” Fingernails called out.

  “Look out the window, you idiots,” Huido called back without pausing.

  He smiled to himself as he heard the shuffling of feet not moments later. They’d catch up to him before he hit the main door. Then they’d all eat crow and he wouldn’t let them live it down for quite some time, that was for certain.

  SETTING UP SHOP

  Gappy and Tootz had met up with Scrumptious, who they were now calling “Merton,” though it was a challenge. Tootz had apologized and had promised to treat him more respectfully going forward. Merton had accepted the apology and had immediately jumped on the plan to get everyone back into the office to help protect the town.

  Personnel poured in as Gappy worked with another set of Gnomes, including Tootz, to get the basic production items in place.

  Gappy looked up to see Shrit staring at them with a look of fascination.