Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)

by John P. Logsdon

  “I’ve never seen anything happen so fast in my life,” Shrit stated. “You little guys are impressive.”

  Gappy shrugged and resumed his part. In less than an hour they had all of the machines set up and ready to start production, which included building not only the Whirligigs, but also the buckets that would be attached to them for carrying water. Shrit had been in charge of the bucket design and implementation, and it had taken him much longer to build the process for manufacturing them than it had taken Gappy and his crew to build their Whirligig factory.

  “We need to crank one of these out every fifteen minutes if we’re going to have a shot at protecting the town,” Gappy announced, “and we have zero margin for error.”

  All heads nodded.

  “Let’s get to it!”

  The machines started up and Gappy called the Gnomes over to him.

  “I’m going to need to teach you all how to pilot these things. They weren’t designed with big people in mind.”

  “What about people like me?” Webner Irondust said, stepping into the room.

  “Hey,” Shrit said accusingly, “you were one of the people that started this fire.”

  “Aye, that I was, but I didn’t know what it was that I was after doin’,” Webner answered solemnly. “Got tricked by that damn Huido character.”

  “Oh,” Shrit said.

  “He told us you were after having a barn burning party.”

  “Who would do that?” Gappy said incredulously.

  “That’s what we were after thinking, but that Halfia guy said you’d enjoy it and also said that there’d be snacks and ale.”

  “You do realize how stupid that sounds, right?” Shrit said.

  “Aye, I do now,” Webner answered. “It’s why I’m here to help.”

  Gappy nodded. “That Halfia has got to go.”

  “Aye.”

  “Are you afraid of heights, Webner?” asked Gappy.

  “Prefer depths, but I’ll manage.”

  Eloquen entered the room with the Dwarfs.

  “What about the Ogre?” said Shrit.

  “He’s after helping the mayor,” Webner said.

  Eloquen stepped forward. “The low world has risen to meet the stars in a dance of imbalance and angst; yet strong and stout is the beating of hearts that rhythmically encompass dreams and pride among those of tiny stature.”

  The entire room was looking at Eloquen. Everyone was blinking at him, except for one lone Elf who worked at the wood sanding station, who was wiggling his eyebrows.

  “Right,” Gappy said with a shrug. “Back to work!”

  The machines started up again.

  “I can’t use anyone larger than a Dwarf, so you help Shrit,” Gappy directed Eloquen.

  “Thanks,” Shrit said in a not-so-thankful way.

  “Orcs are a delight to some who …” began Eloquen.

  “Elf,” Shrit warned, “either you talk normal or I’m going to throw you into the fires myself. Got it?”

  “Got it,” Eloquen answered. “What do you want me to do?”

  “You mean you can talk normal?”

  “Depends on your definition of normal,” Eloquen said.

  “What you’re doing right now,” Shrit replied.

  “For my specific Elven community, this is not normal, it’s a butchery of dialect, but I am starting to get that I’m no longer in my community and so I should probably speak like the locals, as they say.”

  “Definitely makes you more rent-worthy at Rent-A-Friend,” Shrit said.

  Gappy laughed, seeing that Shrit had everything in order on his side.

  Tootz walked from station to station, getting all of the Whirligigs out on schedule.

  All that was left was for Gappy to start the process of training the pilots.

  CUFFING THE HALFIA

  Huido had to wait for a few extra minutes for the boys to get their clothes on and meet him at the main entrance, so he acted like he’d just stopped to take a TalkyThingy call.

  “We’s sorry, boss,” Fingernails said as Huido shut the phone. “You was right.”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ hmmm.”

  “So you just expect me to take you lot under my wing again just like that, eh?”

  They all nodded.

  “Fine,” Huido said, realizing that he didn’t have much of a choice, “but things are going to get tougher, see?”

  Nods.

  “No more of this toe-stubbing keeping you out of the game, yeah?”

  Nods.

  “And I’m gonna start hitting each of you in the head with a brick twice a week to toughen you up, got it?”

  Head shakes.

  “It’s either that or you can fend for yourselves,” Huido added.

  “Mummin’ fummin’ I’ll do fummin’ that.”

  “What’s that?” Huido said with a squint.

  “He said he’d do it, boss,” Fingernails answered for Grumbles.

  “Mummin’ fummin’ no, I didn’t.”

  “Good,” Huido said with a sneer. “Now, we’re getting out of town. If anyone don’t want that, you can stay here.”

  He turned and walked out into the night. The glow in the sky had brightened considerably. There wasn’t much time left before Planoontik was up in flames and he wasn’t about to hang around for the festivities, especially since he was fully aware that he was the impetus for the oncoming flames.

  “Hold it right there, Huido.”

  Huido looked down the long set of stairs at the oncoming crowd of people. The mayor was taking up point.

  There were a lot of them and they were carrying brooms, rakes, hammers, and bats. Most of the faces belonged to shopkeepers that he’d extorted over the years, but there was also a mixture of little old ladies brandishing large, angry looking handbags, and they seemed to be limbering up to use them in a not-so-friendly fashion.

  “What’s this all about?” Huido said, trying to keep the fear out of his voice.

  The mayor stepped strongly forward. “This is about you and your lot being arrested.”

  “Is that so?” Huido replied as if what the mayor had just announced was a joke.

  Yes! chorused the crowd.

  “Oh.”

  “We know it was you that orchestrated the fire at Mr. Whirligig’s property,” the mayor said, “and that’s what’s causing the forest to burn now.”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ wasn’t involved,” Grumbles announced.

  Huh? the crowd said with a collective hand to the ear.

  “Mummin’ fummin’ wasn’t involved!”

  “Shut up, Grumbles ...” Huido paused and looked over at his mumbling henchman. “No, wait, yeah, Grumbles is right.”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ I am?”

  “You is,” Huido nodded vigorously before looking back at the mayor. “We ain’t had nothing to do with this, no matter what you think.”

  “Like I said, Huido,” the mayor replied darkly, “we know it was you.”

  “You got no proof of that.”

  And that’s when a towering Ogre stepped through the crowd and said, “Yeah him do. Bizz is the proof.”

  “Never seen that guy before,” declared Huido.

  “You has so,” Bizz stated. “You gave Bizz der job to burn stuff. You say it were a party, but Bizz fink you ain’t tell Bizz der truth.”

  “The stupid Ogre is lying, see?” Huido called out over the rising voice of the crowd.

  “Can Bizz kick him now?” Bizz asked the mayor.

  “Not yet,” the mayor replied with the implication that soon he would indeed allow the Ogre to kick Huido.

  Huido did not like the sound of that, but he held his resolve.

  “You know that the words of one Ogre ain’t enough to do me in, Mayor,” Huido stated, “and those words ain’t likely to be heard when that Ogre is swimming with the fishes.”

  “Bizz don’t know how to swim.”

  “You’ll never catch me, Mayor,” Huido said with a siniste
r laugh. “I’m always one step ahead.”

  The mayor nodded. “You’ve always been a very slippery one indeed.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Unfortunately,” the mayor said with a rising grin, “you made a grievous error this time.”

  “Don’t use dat language around here,” an elderly man called out. “There’s kids around.”

  “What?” the mayor said in response.

  Grumbles grunted. “Mummin’ fummin’ melroon.”

  “Shut up, Grumbles.”

  “Anyway,” the mayor yelled, quieting the crowd that had instantly fallen in to discussing what they thought Grumbles was saying, “you made a huge mistake, Huido.” The crowd parted and the counter guy from Rent-A-Friend walked out, handing a document to the mayor. “You signed your name.”

  “Damn.”

  TRAINING PILOTS

  The Whirligigs were being pieced together as Gappy went over the instructions for flying them. He had retrieved the original Whirligig so that he could show each of the future pilots the actual cockpit and controls and how it all worked. The Dwarfs were a little slower on the uptake than the Gnomes, but they were getting it.

  “Are there any questions?” he called out after completing his quick overview.

  “How will we communicate?” asked Fizzleswitch.

  “Merton has set up a conference call …”

  “Sorry, who?” Fizzleswitch asked.

  “Oh, sorry, you know him as Scrumptious.”

  “Ah.”

  “Anyway, he’ll give you the call-in. Use your TalkyThingy and be sure to bring a headset because it can get pretty loud up there.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Also,” Gappy warned, “do not text while flying. It’s dangerous.” They all nodded. “Any other questions?”

  “Aye,” Webner said. “Why are ye after calling the sticks by such crazy names? Would it be easier to call that one the lifty and that one the turny?”

  Gappy looked over the group. The Gnomes seemed just as confused with the Dwarf’s suggestion as Gappy was.

  “Tell you what, Webner,” Gappy said, “you and your crew may call the items whatever you want as long as you know what they’re for.”

  “Aye.”

  “Okay,” Gappy stated, moving out of the pilot’s chair. “I want each of you to sit in that spot and get a quick feel for things. Your Whirligigs are going to be coming out soon and you need to be ready.”

  As one, they all started crowding into the pilot’s chair.

  “No,” Gappy yelled, “not all at once.”

  He began working with them, one after the other, until they had all gotten through the paces. After each one had done a round, Gappy sent them down to wait in line for their Whirligig.

  Webner got into the seat after the last Gnome had been trained. The Dwarf kept shifting around uncomfortably.

  “This turny thing is poking me viddles,” he said. “It’s driving me nuts!”

  The other Dwarfs laughed at the pun, but it was obvious that Webner didn’t get the joke.

  “You’ll just have to scoot back a little,” Gappy said. “Your Whirligigs won’t be up for another half-hour or better anyway, so I’ll ask them to make the seats larger. For now, just get a feel for things.”

  “Oh, I’m after gettin’ a feel for things, all right,” Webner said to another chorus of giggles. “So I push this down to go up …”

  “No,” Gappy said, “you pull that up to go up.”

  “What sense is that after makin’? I get the left to go left and the right to go right, but everybody knows that when you push down you go up and when you pull up you go down.”

  Gappy gave the Dwarf a look that was a mix between confusion and irritation.

  “You pull up and it goes up,” he stated flatly. “You push down and it goes down. Deal with it.”

  “Aye, aye, sir,” Webner replied, taken aback. “No need to get after me like I’m some wee lad cadet!”

  PUTTING OUT THE FLAMES

  Multiple pilots were already out on routes, using the combination of Gappy’s Whirligig and Shrit’s bucket invention, which he named the Bagg Bucket, after first trying, and failing, to convince everyone that there was nothing wrong with calling it the Shrit Bucket.

  Gappy had taken to the air after all the other Whirligigs had gone out.

  The rains had indeed come, but only as a sprinkle. The main storm system had turned to the west, taking the anticipated downpour with it. Fortunately, it had also taken along the heavy winds. This helped with the flying, but picking up the water was a challenge even without the gusts.

  One of the Dwarfs had dropped his Whirligig straight into the drink while trying.

  “We’ve got a Whirligig down,” Fizzleswitch said into the conference call as Gappy came into the area of the lake. “It’s one of the Dwarfs.”

  “Webner?” Gappy asked.

  “Nay, I’m after being fine,” Webner answered.

  “It’s Caddok,” Fizzleswitch answered. “I’ll pick him up.”

  Gappy watched as Fizzleswitch used his Bagg Bucket to scoop the soggy Dwarf and turned to fly him back to base.

  “Dropping me water,” Webner announced.

  “Right behind you,” said one of the other Gnomes. “Pull up to your left and I’ll drop to the right.”

  “Aye.”

  Gappy lowered his machine down to pick up a batch of water and felt the push of the air coming back at him. Lifting up was sluggish since there was now a hefty payload dangling beneath the craft, but Gappy controlled the flight deftly and headed at the flames in the distance.

  “That’s ten rounds for me,” Webner said. “Got a little blinking gauge thing here that says something about fumes.”

  “That means you need to head back to base to refuel,” Gappy stated.

  “We gotta refuel?” Webner hollered back. “Ye might want to have been after explaining that bit before, ye daft Gnome! If I ain’t looked at that blinkin’ light, I would’ve crashed!”

  “That’s why the light is blinking,” Gappy countered.

  “Aye, s’pose that makes sense. Still, ye have to be after rememberin’ that we ain’t all Gnomes.”

  “Fair enough,” Gappy said. He hit the tree line where the flames were the worst and called out, “Dropping payload.”

  The water rushed from the Bagg Bucket and Gappy felt the Whirligig relax.

  GETTING THEIRS

  The flights continued until morning with the flames finally succumbing to the barrage of water that the Whirligig pilots had doused on the forest throughout the night.

  “We’re done, people,” Gappy said to the conference call. “The fire has been eradicated.”

  All the pilots had landed their Whirligigs on the back lot of Contraptions, LLC and had walked together through the building and out the front door.

  They were met with a crowd of people who were all cheering and applauding their efforts.

  The mayor stepped up onto the steps with them and said, “I believe that I speak for the entire town when I say that we owe each and every one of you our gratitude.”

  Hear, hear!

  “Your willingness to work together and fight for this town’s safety is what Planoontik is all about.”

  Hear, hear!

  “Thank you, one and all.”

  The crowd cheered and whistled as the pilots descended the steps to be lifted up and paraded about the main square. Gappy, Shrit, Tootz, Merton, and the mayor stayed up on the main stoop.

  “Thanks again to all of you,” the mayor said softly “You saved this town from burning.”

  “I don’t know, Mr. Mayor,” Gappy replied while looking over the crowd of happy people. “If I had just stayed back in Hubintegler like all the elders told me to, this would never have happened.”

  “Bah,” said Shrit. “That’s crap, Gappy. This wasn’t your fault. This was the fault of organized crime. Like I always say, the five percent of the population that are no-
gooders always have to screw it up for the ninety-five percent who are honest and hard-working.”

  “Well said,” the mayor stated. “And well true.”

  “Was kind of including politicians in that five percent, Mr. Mayor,” Shrit admitted.

  “Right. Either way, you did a fine job. Even you, Ms. Gibdawdle, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was surprised by that.”

  “I’ll admit that I haven’t exactly been a model citizen in Planoontik,” Tootz replied, “but thanks to the courage of Mr. Whirligig here, I’m planning to improve.”

  “You’ve already made a great start, Ms. Gibdawdle,” Gappy said.

  “Why thank you, kind sir,” she replied with a flowery curtsy.

  “My pleasure, m’lady.” Gappy grandiosely bowed.

  Shrit groaned. “Get a room already.”

  The others laughed until Merton asked, “What happened to the Halfia?”

  “As to that,” said the mayor, pointing over at the side of the building where Huido and his henchmen were being held by a group of police officers and a number of satisfied-looking shopkeepers, “we were contacted by Too Real TV this morning. They’re doing a new reality show called Convicts in the Wild. The network heard about the Whirligigs and they’d like to know if they can rent them and the pilots to drop off these criminals. The pay will be fifty thousand dollars.”

  “Yes!” said Gappy, Shrit, and Tootz in unison.

  The mayor waved over to the officers and they came up the steps with the Halfia in chains. Huido struggled and pulled away, coming over to Gappy.

  “I’ll bet you think you got the better of me, don’t you, Whirligig?”

  “I don’t think that at all, Huido,” Gappy replied. “I know it.”

  “Yeah? Well, maybe you did, but I’ll be back to teach you a lesson at some point.”

  “A word of advice, if I may,” Shrit said kindly.

  “Yeah?” Huido replied with a gulp.

  “Don’t come back to this town. Ever. And don’t come near my friend. Ever. If you do and I find out about it, I will personally take your little blue butt and throw you off a cliff. Got it?”

  Huido gulped again. “Got it.”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ harsh.”