The Single Wife : 'Liane Moriarty meets Elin Hilderbrand in an addictive summer read'

by Ella Grey

  “Josh, don’t …” She didn’t want to hear this, yet at the same time she did. These last few weeks she could barely sleep or eat for thinking about it, for thinking about him, and how much she missed him too. And last night had been especially hard, which is why she’d ended up drinking so much. She’d hoped that getting really drunk would numb the pain and the emptiness she felt without him.

  Still, no matter how much she loved him and missed him, Josh had done something unforgivable – Leah had to remember that. There was no going back.

  Her mind firmly set, she decided that she’d listen to what he had to say, but that was it. Definitely.

  Maybe …

  “Look, it’s OK if you don’t want to let me in. But I don’t want to say what I have to say out here. This is between us, just the two of us.”

  Leah sighed. “Come in then,” she said, going inside and expecting him to follow her.

  Josh quietly closed the door behind him. “Happy Birthday, by the way,” he said with a hesitant smile, taking in all her birthday cards on the mantelpiece.

  “Thank you for the flowers.” She indicated the lush bouquet on the coffee table. She’d been all at once annoyed and touched that he’d sent them, touched because he hadn’t forgotten, and annoyed that he’d had the cheek.

  “I wasn’t sure …”

  The two of them sat at opposite ends of the room, Josh in ‘his’ armchair, and Leah curled up on the couch and under the blankets Robin had used only a few hours earlier. They served as some kind of comfort, some kind of barrier if necessary.

  “Leah …” Again, he ran a hand through his hair, as if unsure where to begin. “I don’t really know where to start, so I suppose I’ll just come right out and say it. I know I messed up big-time.”

  She said nothing, assuming that he expected her to agree, to move the conversation along. She wasn’t doing him any favours.

  “That ‘thing’ I did – was one of the lowest moments in my life. I was disgusted with myself for letting you down, for letting myself down, for risking all that we had because I was feeling left out. That’s exactly how I felt, Lee,” he said, when she raised an eyebrow. “I felt left out of everything, thought that you didn’t want me to share all the great things that were going on in your life.” She opened her mouth to say something, but he stopped her. “Before you say anything, yes, I know it was stupid. It was stupid and immature and pathetic but it was the way I felt. I never liked Andrew Clarke, you know that.”

  “I do know that, but I could never understand why. Andrew never did anything to you. Actually, he likes you. He thinks you and I are well suited.”

  “Does he now?” Josh sniffed.

  “Yes, he does,” Leah heard her voice rise an octave, “and I’m not going over this again with you. Don’t you dare try and tell me that you went back to your ex for a night of passion, just because you couldn’t handle your own stupid jealousy.”

  “Lee, calm down, that wasn’t it,” he soothed. “In a way it was jealousy I suppose, but not the kind you think. With one flick of his expensive Mont Blanc pen, Clarke gave you everything you wanted. I couldn’t do that. I’m just my dad’s dogsbody, probably always will be, and as a result I felt threatened, useless, all the stupid things I never thought I’d feel. I felt it was my place to look after you, to support you in your dream. But he came along with his fat bloody chequebook and blew me out of the water.”

  “It wasn’t like that. I approached Andrew for investment. Granted it was a stupid drunken conversation, which at the time I thought wouldn’t amount to anything, but it did. And I’m grateful for that. You said yourself that Elysium is my dream. How could I have turned down that opportunity?”

  “I never expected you to, but I also didn’t expect you to be so gung-ho. You threw yourself into it without a second thought, and all of a sudden it was Andrew this and Andrew that. I felt … threatened.”

  “Threatened? By an old friend who is, incidentally, married to another old friend.”

  “Like I said – it wasn’t like that. I didn’t think there was anything going on between you two, but I couldn’t really express how I felt about it. You threw yourself into setting up the shop and didn’t seem to want me involved in any of it. Instead of telling you how I felt, I just kept niggling you about the business being more important than I was. I know you began to resent me and probably not just for that.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Leah, I know you want a child of your own eventually. Despite what you said about my being enough for you. I know you were affected by Kate’s pregnancy and, despite what you think, I understood how difficult it must have been seeing it all happen for her, all the time knowing that it might never happen for you.

  “That’s not fair. I made that decision long ago and it was our decision. Kate’s pregnancy shook me a little, but that’s because she’s changed, not because I have.”

  “Well, with everything that was going on, I became confused. After a while, I began to wonder what you were doing with me. I couldn’t help you with your business, I couldn’t give you what you wanted. I was a total failure.”

  “Josh, I’m sorry, but this smacks of feeling sorry for yourself.”

  “I know it does. But the thing is, over the last few weeks, I’ve come to realise how stupid I’ve been, and how wrong I was to deny you that.” He sat forward. “Leah, I know you probably can’t even consider it at the moment, but if you could possibly think about having me back, then I’d like to have a baby.”

  She blinked. “What? Are you serious?”

  “Yes, I know it would take a bit of getting used to, but I know you and I could make a go of it and – ”

  Never in a million years did she expect this from him, and despite the fact that Josh was now offering her everything she wanted, offering her the chance to start over, strangely, the idea just saddened her.

  “Josh, you’re delusional. You think that you can just waltz in here, tell me you’re sorry for being unfaithful, but not to worry, sure a child of our own will make it all right. What planet are you on?”

  “I know we’d have some work to do, but – ”

  “Some work? It’s too late, there’s no trust any more. And yes, maybe I did play a part in pushing you away and making you feel inadequate, but that doesn’t mean that you had the right to jump into bed with the first available person.”

  “I know that, but Leah, surely we can work on it? I love you, doesn’t that mean anything?”

  “It didn’t mean much when you were with her, did it?” she said in a broken voice. She turned away, willing away the tears that were threatening.

  Josh moved across to sit beside her on the sofa. “I messed up – I know that, I knew it straight away. I wanted to tell you, but I knew you’d never forgive me and I didn’t want you to think badly of me.” He touched her hand. “I wish I could make you understand how sorry I am.”

  “That doesn’t mean much now.”

  “Don’t you think we could work through it, Lee?” he said, his voice soft and hopeful. “It would be a shame to throw away all that we have.”

  “If we don’t have trust then we have nothing.”

  “But we can work on that, surely? I know it might be hard for you to believe me at the moment, but I know I can do it. I love you more than anyone – you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re my best friend, my life, all the usual clichés but they’re clichés because they’re true. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, even more now that I know what it’s like to be without you. I’m willing to give it a go if you are.” He smiled at Leah then, and amazingly uttered the very words she would have been elated to hear not all that long ago. “Let’s settle down and buy a place of our own – let’s get married and, yes, let’s have kids. We could have a great life, Leah, I know we could. And I’m almost certain that we can get through this. People do, don’t they? If they really love one another, then they can get through anything.�
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  Her head spun. It was so tempting, so tempting just to throw her arms around him and agree that yes, they could do it, and yes, they could have a great life. He was telling her everything she so badly wanted to hear. But she knew in her heart and soul that she just couldn’t forget what he’d done that easily.

  She shook her head, and she could actually feel the tightness in her heart as she said the words.

  “I’m sorry, Josh.” She tried desperately to keep her voice even. “It’s … over.”

  “You don’t really mean that.”

  “I do,” she replied, trying to sound more determined that she felt. “And I’m sorry, but I think you should go.”

  “Please, just give me one more chance. I know we could make it work, I’m sure of it. Just one more chance.”

  “I can’t – it’s too late.” Leah stood up and, legs shaking like jelly, moved across the room and opened the door. She stood back, appealing to him once more to leave. He stared at her, as if unable to believe that she was really serious. “Please,” implored.

  After a long moment, Josh acquiesced. “I’m sorry, Leah. Really I am.”

  “I know.” She refused to meet his gaze, painfully aware that this really was the end. Every inch of her ached with sorrow. “Goodbye, Josh.”

  As much as she still loved him, and as tempting as it was to take him up on all he promised, she knew she just couldn’t do it.

  She couldn’t handle his infidelity, the fact that he had broken her trust. She wasn’t one of those people who could just pick up the pieces and move on. Wasn’t strong enough to be one of those people who could forgive and forget.

  She just wasn’t Olivia.

  54

  That afternoon, in order to take her mind off things, Olivia decided to tidy the garden shed.

  It was a job that was way overdue, and one that she’d been putting off for ages. But as the house was spick and span, the ironing up to date and the shopping done, she couldn’t think of anything else to do besides fret over the situation with Robin, and worry about Adam. Not to mention Matt’s revelation in the car.

  Ellie was at her mother’s; Eva ensuring that Olivia should be free to travel to the hospital in Dublin should Matt need her. She had tried his mobile a number of times since, but it was switched to messages. Despite what they said about no news being good news she didn’t think it was appropriate in this case. Surely Matt would know she’d be on tenterhooks, wondering? At one stage, she’d been so desperate for something concrete, she’d almost called over to Catherine’s. She was in the process of dumping some ancient paintbrushes and tins into a black refuse sack, when the doorbell rang.

  Matt.

  She raced back into the house, forgetting to remove her rubber gloves in her haste to get to the door – and hopefully put herself out of her misery once and for all. Oh she so hoped all would be well with Adam.

  But when she opened the door, Olivia’s world spun on a three-hundred-and-sixty degree axis.

  “Hey,” her visitor said with an uncertain smile.

  She was so stunned it felt like a couple of hours before she could get the words out. “What – what are you doing here?” she whispered, dizzy with shock.

  “I’m sorry, I know I should have called first. But my flight got in around lunchtime and I was really anxious to get here so – ”

  “But what are you doing … here?” she asked again. “What do you want?”

  “What do I want? Olivia, surely it’s obvious … ”

  Somewhere nearby, she heard a car door slam.

  “He’s OK,” Matt’s relieved voice sounded over the air, followed by his footsteps up the path. “It wasn’t meningitis at all, thank goodness – just some kind of reaction to … oh, I’m sorry, excuse me …” His voice trailed off as he approached and he looked at Olivia’s other visitor and smiled apologetically. “Sorry to interrupt.”

  “That’s wonderful news,” She barely heard the sound of her own voice, so strong was the sound of her heartbeat thudding against her ribcage, so intense were the feelings of anxiety, confusion and – and out-and-out panic.

  What on earth was she going to say now?

  She saw that Matt was looking at them both unsurely, obviously waiting for an introduction, or even an explanation as to why she was acting so strangely.

  She tried to clear her throat, and her mind and get a hold on her senses. How - knowing now that Matt had somehow got the wrong end of the stick – was she going to explain this?

  Olivia willed her heart to slow down, willed her nerves to settle a little. She began to speak slowly, hoping to soften the blow. “This is Matt, a good friend,” she said, her voice hoarse and her hands shaking as she made the introduction.

  Then she turned and looked at a smiling Matt.

  “And this is Peter – my husband.”

  55

  Matt visibly paled.

  “What?” he demanded, staring at Olivia, his expression a mixture of shock and confusion, “What the hell …?”

  She scrambled to explain. “I’m sorry, I know you thought otherwise, but I only realised that last night when you said you thought he was –”

  Peter addressed her as if Matt wasn’t even there. “Obviously this is a bad time, so maybe I should – ”

  “Will somebody please explain what the hell is going on here?” Matt grunted. He glared at her. “I thought your husband was dead. You told me your husband was dead!”

  Olivia floundered. She had never seen him so angry, but of course she could completely understand why. “Matt, I never told you that,” she began, her words slow and deliberate, as if she were trying to explain something complicated to a child. Yet at the same time, her heartbeat was galloping. “I never told you anything like that. I know I haven’t been exactly forthcoming about my past but I never, ever said – ”

  “Hold on a damn second. You told me you were a widow, that you’d brought Ellie up on your own, that you didn’t know how you’d have coped without her. You didn’t like to talk about it, you said – it was too painful. No wonder it was bloody painful – yer man was still around!”

  Peter stepped forward. “Hey bud, watch your tone. I’ve no idea who you are but you’ve no right to talk to – ”

  “Peter, please,” Olivia felt as though she’d landed on another planet.

  What was Matt saying? She’d never told him that she was widowed or that Peter was dead – she’d barely said anything at all about him because it was too painful.

  Where on earth had he got that idea? Granted he knew that she was married at least, and that she and Ellie now lived on their own, but how could he have made that huge leap to the notion that Peter was dead?

  She had definitely told him she was separated, hadn’t she? Her head spun as she tried to remember various conversations they’d had about everything, tried to figure out how she might have somehow misled him.

  But in her heart of hearts she knew she hadn’t. Granted, she’d been evasive, but he must have come up with the assumption that she was widowed all by himself.

  Still at that moment, she desperately wished that she hadn’t been so reticent, so unwilling to let him into her confidence. Now it looked as though she’d deliberately misinformed him, although where he’d got the idea that she was a widow when she was to all intents and purposes more … a single wife.

  “Please come inside and let’s talk about this. I don’t know why you thought that, and I never, ever tried to mislead you.” She ran a hand through her hair. What a nightmare. She should have explained all last night, but he was so upset after Catherine’s phone call, she hadn’t had the opportunity and … oh what was she going to do?

  Her thoughts and emotions were so confused just then that she couldn’t think crooked, let alone straight.

  She glanced at her husband and then back to Matt. “We’ve lived apart for years, but haven’t yet divorced and …” She trailed off then. “Is that why you’re here?” she asked Peter, feeling a
n odd combination of relief and disappointment. “About a divorce?”

  “I don’t believe this …” Matt was muttering as he marched back down the path. “I don’t believe what I’m hearing, what I’m seeing. I thought you were special, Olivia, I though you and I had something. But you’re nothing but a liar.”

  “Hey, watch it,” Peter called after his retreating back, but Matt was already in the driver’s seat of the car. He started the Volvo and revved the engine ferociously before driving off.

  Olivia watched him speed out the entrance the main road. Strange she thought absently, that he didn’t go straight to Catherine’s.

  “Olivia,” Peter’s voice brought her sharply back to the here and now. “can I come in? You and I need to talk.”

  She looked at his face then, one so familiar to her, it was as if they’d never been apart.

  Then, with no clue as to what he wanted, Olivia stood back from the doorway and let her husband – the man whose return she’d dreamed about for five long years – into her house, and back into her life.

  56

  She stared into those expressive eyes she had once known and loved so well.

  “I didn’t plan for this to be so out of the blue, believe me,” he began. “I was going to call first – I know I should have called first, but when I landed in Dublin airport this morning, I couldn’t not come straight here.”

  “But what are you doing back in Ireland in the first place? Oh,” she said, the realisation hitting her, “it’s your mum, isn’t it?”

  She knew that Teresa had been unwell, but Olivia had never in her wildest dreams imagined that Peter would come all the way back from Australia just because his mother was feeling out of sorts.

  “Didn’t she tell you she’s suffering from Parkinson’s?” he asked, and instantly she felt like a heel.